Living with my elderly parent has taken its toll on me. I have become a very angry person because of it. Talk therapy does not work for me. I tried prozac and it didn't help either.
I believe there are some things that medicine cannot fix, such as care giver burnout. Maybe Xanax for occasional anxiety could help, but that is just a temporary answer, as I'm sure you know.
Sometimes the only way to remedy such a situation is to find other living arrangements for your mother, such as Assisted Living. In the meantime, are you taking enough time for yourself? Perhaps getting your mom into respite for a week so you can take a vacation would help. Can you sign yourself up for yoga classes or other relaxing activities like meditation could help you with the inner turmoil and anger you're feeling. I will tell you, I could NEVER live in the same house with my mother, under ANY circumstances, it would just be too much for me to handle. If you've reached that point, it's okay to cry uncle and say ENOUGH.
HanaLee - The only medication for burn out in your case is time away from your mother. You need to either move out or have regular breaks from her. You have to cut way back on the amount of time you spend with your mom or else you will reach a dangerous point mentally.
Do you work outside the home? Are there other family members who can step in for you? Can your mother afford a caregiver?
My Alzheimer's mother lived with me for two years, and I was close to going off a cliff. Finally, I moved her out. Now, I see her a few hours a day and some days that is too much. I know what you mean about becoming an angry person. That was me back then and I still lose it with her sometimes even now.
I didn’t visit my husband every day in rehab because I ended up getting angry at his apparent attitude of non-compliance re: diet/walking/etc. I started thinking “what am I doing here? I’m not helping.”
A few breaks helped me realize that I have no control over what my husband chooses to do, and things have been a lot smoother. I give him his meds, assist him with things he needs assistance with. Other than that, it’s not in my hands.
HanaLee (nice name!), I have popped pills for decades, and I don’t think they make one for burnout. The only things I can think of would just gork you out, and that not only isn’t safe, it can be ferociously addictive in a short time. A sedative may work in the short term but after a while you need more for the same effect, and it really doesn’t teach you the coping skills that help you deal with “bad feelings.”
Not all therapists will click with you. Most of mine were meh, but occasionally there was a gem. You may want to check out therapists who use mindfulness therapy and/or cognitive-behavioral therapy. Those seem to work well for managing feelings that seem to be overwhelming at times.
I take Abilify, but as an adjunct to Lexapro, an antidepressant I’ve taken for years. The combo works well for me and I really don’t know what people was being prescribed now. Depression is pretty unique to the person; I have depressed close relatives who can’t tolerate Lexapro, but they find relief from something that didn't work for me. We’re all unique in some ways.
You’re smart to be concerned by the change in your mood.
TL;DR While the right therapist might help you better handle the things that make you angry, you do likely need a break from the caretaker role. You’re only human.
I hope you come back and give some more details. That way you will get better answers to help you figure out what to do. For example, do you live in your mother's home or does she live in your home? (maybe it's your dad, not sure)
My mom lives next door to me and I can barely take it. Under NO circumstances will I ever move her IN with me. I don't even want her next door anymore. I completely understand your anger. It's like your entire life gets hijacked. This is not sustainable long term, imo. Look ahead as to how you will END this situation in the best possible way for yourself and your mother. Her elder care is NOT your responsibility no matter how badly you were brainwashed into thinking it was your responsibility.
I tried counseling and anti-depressants too. It doesn't change the situation. My counselor once asked me: "Do you have anyone that you trust that will tell you when enough is enough?" She was talking about my health and well being. I'm trying to drive home the fact that you are NOT responsible for your mother's elder care, you need to take care of yourself, and when you are angry all the time, depressed, trying everything you can to just survive it's time to look ahead and change things.
To answer your original question. No, there are no good long term meds to make these feelings go away. Not in my experience anyway. A Xanax or glass of wine will help when your about to crack but that's not a long term solution.
I hope you come back. I know how bad this sucks and you are not alone. You will get good advice here, and hopefully figure out a plan of change.
I like your answer. I realize we can’t make our elderly parents’ life for them. But we owe them some care & consideration that does NOT interfere with our lives, which must come first.AND it must be shared by all siblings OR other relatives and professionals. It should never be s burden for one person to bear! Love yes, enslavement no!!
Hi HannaLee, i wish there was a silver bullet for caregiver burnout but unfortunately there's nothing but pills for depression and anxiety. The burnout is real and if you keep going ignoring what you need to do to help yourself, you could end up like me. I was in the mental behavioral unit of my local hospital for 7 days. At least the therapists there offered resources for the caregiver like attending a caregiver support group, resources for relieving stress through exercise and meditation. The psych doc tried different medications on me while i was there. It's not a good place to be for they will not allow you to go home until they believe you are stabilized. I did find when i got home, i took more short breaks and would go outside and walk for 10 minutes or more. Sometimes even the smallest change can make a big difference in how you see things. I now attend an Emotions Anonymous support group for those of us living with unsolved circumstances and following a 12 step recovery program which helps rewire your thinking from negative thoughts to more positive and hopeful thoughts. It's nice because you have others there to support you. Aside from all of the above i hired a caregiver to relieve me 1 or 2 days a week so i can participate in these outside activities. I've also have found it helpful to just get my mother out of the house during the week. I take her in her night gown boots and a jacket for cooler weather and drive around town for a couple of hours. We stop and i get out and buy her icecream at a local farmer's market. If you have a hobby, you can relieve tension by.doing whatever it is you enjoy while your LO is napping or watching tv. These are some of the tools I've used over the years and have found them to all be helpful for staving off the blues. Good luck to you.
I have had good results with Buspar, and anti anxiety drug. My doctor had me split the dosage to morning and evening. It made all the difference and I began feeling better within just a couple of days.
I was given Buspar many years ago; and it made me feel like a zombie, expressionless..... medications are very personalized and may work for one and not another. Unfortunately, it truly is a trial and error. But I hope the OP does not give up on trying another medication to help alleviate her moods.
BUT, I totally agree that a medication is not "the answer", and it may be that she needs to change things around by placing her parent in a facility and "being there" for herself first now. It truly is a huge burden being a caregiver and no medication will fix that.
Personally I wouldn't be looking for meds but a change in diet...i know sounds crazy but it really works. Google beating stress anxiety & burnout by eating right foods....its changed my life & much quicker than waiting for meds to kick in. Good luck! X
I should have mentioned- I lost a great deal of weight in 2013, and have maintained, but my over all eating plan has become more careless than is good for me.
For the last 4 days, I have eaten squeaky clean, and it amazes me how much better I feel. I also need to be FIERCE about my posture. Although my weight has stayed the same, I have developed a nasty case of the dread “STRESS GUT”. My poor belly resembles Santa’s, and I can’t wait for it to be gone.
I trust that as I keep at it, I can get rid of it.
My fond thoughts to all of us who face caregiver’s life with each step we take.
If you absolutely hate caring for your parent, have you considered nursing home placement? You really are better off doing that.
Believe me you are living the "good old days" because they are only going to get worse. Just wait until they get bedridden and you have to put them on a strict bowel schedule, and changing their diapers multiple times daily. After a bowel movement they will even put their hands in it and smear it all over the place. The stool also get into their vagina so that has to be cleaned out very well or they will get an infection UTI. Try doing that to your own parent. Nobody else is going to do it and even if you hire a CNA they won't do a good job cleaning her. UTIs can be very nasty and a very common cause of infections and death.
I would ask a psychiatrist regarding this matter: All medications, along with people are different: what may work for someone else, may not work for others. You may have to go through numerous medications before you find the right one. I have been on medication since I was 21, I have been there and done that. I have been on my current meds since I was 24, the Psychiatrist has had to increase the dosage a few times. So far, it's been working well for me.
I also agree with the others on here: You need to take control of the situation and place the relative in a assisted living or nursing home situation. That will help with the burnout and anxiety.
I use INOSITOL. If you google it, you will find that it is gently and mildly soothing with very few or no side effects. Read the info and advise about dosage. You may need to take several pills to get relief.
I understand that it does not work for everyone, but it is a major help for me.
CBD oil perhaps? I have friends that take it and sleep great, feel more relaxed and calm. Get away for how ever long you can. And your mom sounds like she might be ready to be moved into a nursing home. Do not feel like you can do it all - and you need some time to live your life and not feel guilty about it.
I'm not sure what you are experiencing but whatever she has - it will only get worse. If she falls then it's a whole new ballgame. I'd start looking now for a place that can take her. Good luck to you!
Taking care of someone else is hard work. But it doesn't have to be at the expense of another's person's ability to thrive. There is no easy and quick answer to disciplining ourselves to make time for self-care. Drugs come with side effects. Regular exercise, eating clean, regular meditation, and figuring out what facilitates peace and calm in our minds and bodies is what makes the difference between burnout and thriving. There are other therapies that help with anger management besides talking, especially bodywork, but even a simple regular walk in nature can help burn off resentment and begin to restore adrenal health. It may also help you more creatively problem solve additional help caring for your parent. Best wishes!
It is time to stop living with your elderly parent when you need to drug yourself just to get through your life. Sorry, but this isn't right, and it won't help. Your body will adjust to the drugs and need more. How can you take care of an elderly person drugged? Anti-depressants aren't working for you and other things will knock you out of commission. Easier said than done, but it is now ruining your mental health and well-being. I would suggest mindfulness training and doing the meditation exercises but how are you to do that when you are working 24/7.
There is no shame in placing your parent in AL or a LTC facility. They have 24 hr staff, you don't. Who is going to take care of your parent if you are broken. I'm not going to sugar coat things...the legwork is painful...trying to find the right place and getting all of the finances in order, but your sanity and physical health are priceless. Just do it. Become the daughter again HanaLee and let the professionals do the care giving.
Ask yourself why you are angry? Is it being on call 24/7? Is it loss of activities with friends without your parent? Do you feel that their life has become more important than your life?
However you answer, it is time to change the scenario. Get more breaks/help or create living spaces and blocks of time so you have "time off." You may find balancing "care time" with more "off time" to nurture yourself will help the anger subside.
You need respite care or permanent placement for your parent. You are probably angry b/c you are stuck in this situation. You need to get unstuck. Drugs to calm you down would only be a temporary and superficial solution.
If you are able to get out, look for a Caregiver Support group where you can share your frustrations and anger with others. It is reassuring to find out you are not alone in having these feelings and people in the group might have some good ideas for you.
In the meantime, begin looking right now for Adult Day Care or Short or Long Term placement for your parent. You are not going to be a decent caregiver if you get angrier and angrier.
Oh I Know just how you feel. I started seeing a psychiatrist6 weeks ago. She comes to the house for 60-90 min every week. Talking has helped and she's found a few issues that I didn't even notice. So that; seeing a shrink Will help. Now, that takes care of some of the mental issues of caregiver burnout but there's the physical aspect that needs addressing. To help with the anger part of it; and I'm pissed at myself for not seeing it sooner; we started to take a 15 min during our session when Mom starts to impose or flip her the bird behind her back. Those weekly walks around the block have turned into an every other day exercise that I do when Mom gets on my last nerve. Now here's what I do to combine both aspects before I go to sleep: music & reading. I love my science fiction and I love the music that has been composed for those type of movies. About an hour before bed, I lay down on the couch, put on my headphones and bring up on YouTube a 45-60 min loop of Astral/Space music and start reading one of my science fiction novels. At the end of that chapter, I drink a bottle of Dream Water, then continue reading. As soon as I start to have trouble holding up the book; I go to bed. It works at least once a week now. I can actually sleep for 4 hours straight and wake up feeling relaxed. Everday is another day to try some new piece of advice you get on here. Some work and some don't but Don't give up. Every little bit helps you and in turn, also helps when you're with your parent by being able to take a little more before it start to get to you. Little steps. GOD Bless You and your family.
There is another relaxing thing to do that my daughter recently shared with me... on Netflix is a music/nature video series called moving art... that's a good way to start before the actual bedtime routine...... on youtube there are also 10 hr reels of different kinds of sounds that may help... for me, it's the outside crickets and frogs nighttime sounds
I speak from years of experience having been in your shoes. No matter how much of a saint and an angel a caretaker is, they will always be subject to abuse and bad behavior by their "patients", no matter who they are or what the relationship is. It is worse if they are mental - nearly impossible to deal with them. I have learned too late, the hard way, I do not care WHY they do what they do, if they are causing me harm and difficulties and having great negative impacts on my life and my health, there are two options only. One, you get very tough (no more Mr./Mrs. Nice Guy to them). You tell them you will not under any circumstances tolerate what they are doing and saying and they will stop at once. Scare them, do whatever it takes - force them to stop. If they can't or won't, think of YOU first - you deserve that much - find a way to place them so you are not harmed for the rest of your life and have a chance to live in peace. They don't deserve you. Place them - and do it now. If you don't, they will slowly destroy you with guilt, anger, health failures, etc., broken families. Do NOT allow them to get away with it. Pills and counseling are not going to make you feel better if they have this behavior.
Lexapro has always worked great for me. However, I am one of those rare people that gains weight even on a small dosage of Lexapro. So my doctor has now prescribed Prozac...again, a small dosage. Everyone is different! I am hoping Prozac works without the side effects I had from Lexapro. Different strokes for different folks! I wish you all the best. Ours is a very hard road. Sometimes we need some extra "help." Find what works for YOU.
Did the therapist ever recommend moving your mother to a place where other people could care for her in 8 hour shifts? You clearly need your own life a part from her.
After a year of taking care of my bed-ridden (paralyzed from stroke) mother at home, while working full-time and attending school full-time, in addition to the months in rehab when I visited daily, and the two years prior that I took her to church, shopping, the doctor, and my son's house every week, today she has been moved to a hospice center. Her request. She didn't feel she was getting enough care and attention at home. I won't argue that, but neither of my local siblings even asked "why is this happening?" or "can we make it better?" And not once did my mother say "this must be hard for you." I pray (apparently not enough), meditate, yoga, and during the summer was able to hike and bike some, when classes were out. The physical activity made a huge difference. What really fueled my rage was feeling like the siblings didn't care about me, especially my brother. No one ever asked about school or my mental health or my life at all. Never even bought me a pizza. I'm so glad it's over, I will sleep in my own bed tonight. I will always hold caregivers in my heart. You all have my respect, even those of you (especially those of you) who are finding it really really difficult and yell and cure and persevere regardless. Please be good to yourselves. Hugs.
Absolutely. Counseling and anti depressants. Speak to a psychiatrist, perhaps one who specializes in senior depression, and explain your situation. It may take several attempts to find something that works for you, so don’t give up right away. Also immediate help may not happen. And pills definitely won’t change your loved one’s diminishing health, put that and a support group definitely can change how you feel about it. This site is a great source of that support. it’s not like you have to admit that you are having personal or mental problems. Your situation is situational and will pass with your LO’s passing. I don’t mean to sound harsh but our culture really doesn’t have proper ways to discuss dead or anything involved with death. So my apologies there. Good luck and hopefully I can live with my own words.
There's no magic pill for burnout, regardless of the cause. A benzodiazepine can help you sleep at night, but that's not a good long-term solution.
I'd recommend two things. 1. Change your living arrangement. Dealing with elderly parents is tough enough when you don't live with them. But having your own space is critical in keeping your sanity. 2. Do something to take care of yourself. Walk, jog, knit, read, go to a movie, whatever you need to do. Sometimes just a few hours away makes a big difference.
I agree with others that medication really isn't the answer. Moving out or moving the person in question out will help, but it will still take time and effort on your part to get beyond the anger. It is normal to have anger, but it is also self-destructive to not deal with it and get beyond it. Anger at whatever the situation is will not change it. Use the energy devoted to the anger on something positive - making a plan, getting out, getting a break. Hopefully moving yourself or her is an option, because it likely won't get better under the circumstances. We don't know what her circumstances are, so it is hard to offer anything more concrete.
If she has no assets or limited funds, but needs help with care, you need to seek help from someone as to how to get her placed somewhere - perhaps her doctor's office can suggest where to start? If she's capable of remaining in her own home, but needs some assistance, then move yourself out and find ways to bring any help she might need to her.
Like lealonnie1, I knew living with my mother was not going to work, for many reasons. I still developed frustration and anger with brothers (didn't help nearly enough with all the other issues, clearing out her place, cleaning it and scheduling or doing repairs, then getting it ready for sale - 1.5 hr drive each way for me, took good part of my time, effort and money for over a year and a half, while managing everything else for her care/finances at the same time - could write a book!
I finally realized that this anger was only hurting me, not them. The only way to deal with my anger at my brothers was to start an email to each, explaining it all in regards to their behavior and lack of help/understanding, modifying it from time to time and then just letting it sit there in the draft folder. It was a catharsis of sorts - let me safely and calmly get it all out and stash it, without the repercussions I knew would follow. These were left there about a year and a half ago.
I still get miffed at YB and his laissez-faire attitude (he thinks because mom is in a facility it is all taken care of, I just write a check!) Have had no contact with OB in over a year (would have been even longer, but had to communicate - text/email only - about how to handle the cap gains we had to report - all funds were put into her trust for her care, but it was reported as cap gains for us.) He physically man-handled me when he was last here, so he is not welcome in my existence or presence! Thankfully he lives 2 days drive away and can't deal with even visiting mom (dementia), so not likely to see him! When I do feel that anger start to boil, I might vent a bit, but kiss them off and move on to other more pleasant things.
Do come back and give what details you can, it might help us provide more guidance. Do come here to vent, it can help. Some therapists haven't experienced any of this first hand, so they really don't understand. It might help to try a different therapist, but do inquire about their qualifications - find one that HAS been on this road!
Many of us here have been in your shoes or at least some very similar shoes and we DO understand!
Sometimes the only way to remedy such a situation is to find other living arrangements for your mother, such as Assisted Living. In the meantime, are you taking enough time for yourself? Perhaps getting your mom into respite for a week so you can take a vacation would help. Can you sign yourself up for yoga classes or other relaxing activities like meditation could help you with the inner turmoil and anger you're feeling. I will tell you, I could NEVER live in the same house with my mother, under ANY circumstances, it would just be too much for me to handle. If you've reached that point, it's okay to cry uncle and say ENOUGH.
Best of luck!
Sounds like so many others you in a burnout situation, don't give up you for them..there are other options.
Do you work outside the home? Are there other family members who can step in for you? Can your mother afford a caregiver?
My Alzheimer's mother lived with me for two years, and I was close to going off a cliff. Finally, I moved her out. Now, I see her a few hours a day and some days that is too much. I know what you mean about becoming an angry person. That was me back then and I still lose it with her sometimes even now.
A few breaks helped me realize that I have no control over what my husband chooses to do, and things have been a lot smoother. I give him his meds, assist him with things he needs assistance with. Other than that, it’s not in my hands.
Not all therapists will click with you. Most of mine were meh, but occasionally there was a gem. You may want to check out therapists who use mindfulness therapy and/or cognitive-behavioral therapy. Those seem to work well for managing feelings that seem to be overwhelming at times.
I take Abilify, but as an adjunct to Lexapro, an antidepressant I’ve taken for years. The combo works well for me and I really don’t know what people was being prescribed now. Depression is pretty unique to the person; I have depressed close relatives who can’t tolerate Lexapro, but they find relief from something that didn't work for me. We’re all unique in some ways.
You’re smart to be concerned by the change in your mood.
TL;DR While the right therapist might help you better handle the things that make you angry, you do likely need a break from the caretaker role. You’re only human.
My mom lives next door to me and I can barely take it. Under NO circumstances will I ever move her IN with me. I don't even want her next door anymore. I completely understand your anger. It's like your entire life gets hijacked. This is not sustainable long term, imo. Look ahead as to how you will END this situation in the best possible way for yourself and your mother. Her elder care is NOT your responsibility no matter how badly you were brainwashed into thinking it was your responsibility.
I tried counseling and anti-depressants too. It doesn't change the situation. My counselor once asked me: "Do you have anyone that you trust that will tell you when enough is enough?" She was talking about my health and well being. I'm trying to drive home the fact that you are NOT responsible for your mother's elder care, you need to take care of yourself, and when you are angry all the time, depressed, trying everything you can to just survive it's time to look ahead and change things.
To answer your original question. No, there are no good long term meds to make these feelings go away. Not in my experience anyway. A Xanax or glass of wine will help when your about to crack but that's not a long term solution.
I hope you come back. I know how bad this sucks and you are not alone. You will get good advice here, and hopefully figure out a plan of change.
Love yes, enslavement no!!
DON'T TAKE BENZOS!
THEY ARE TO ADDICTIVE.
Benzos & alcohol are a big no no!
You'll get a DUI.
BUT, I totally agree that a medication is not "the answer", and it may be that she needs to change things around by placing her parent in a facility and "being there" for herself first now. It truly is a huge burden being a caregiver and no medication will fix that.
For the last 4 days, I have eaten squeaky clean, and it amazes me how much better I feel. I also need to be FIERCE about my posture. Although my weight has stayed the same, I have developed a nasty case of the dread “STRESS GUT”. My poor belly resembles Santa’s, and I can’t wait for it to be gone.
I trust that as I keep at it, I can get rid of it.
My fond thoughts to all of us who face caregiver’s life with each step we take.
Believe me you are living the "good old days" because they are only going to get worse. Just wait until they get bedridden and you have to put them on a strict bowel schedule, and changing their diapers multiple times daily. After a bowel movement they will even put their hands in it and smear it all over the place. The stool also get into their vagina so that has to be cleaned out very well or they will get an infection UTI. Try doing that to your own parent. Nobody else is going to do it and even if you hire a CNA they won't do a good job cleaning her. UTIs can be very nasty and a very common cause of infections and death.
This is only the tip of the iceberg.
I also agree with the others on here: You need to take control of the situation and place the relative in a assisted living or nursing home situation. That will help with the burnout and anxiety.
Best wishes and good luck to you.
I understand that it does not work for everyone, but it is a major help for me.
Thinking of you.......
I'm not sure what you are experiencing but whatever she has - it will only get worse. If she falls then it's a whole new ballgame. I'd start looking now for a place that can take her. Good luck to you!
However you answer, it is time to change the scenario. Get more breaks/help or create living spaces and blocks of time so you have "time off." You may find balancing "care time" with more "off time" to nurture yourself will help the anger subside.
If you are able to get out, look for a Caregiver Support group where you can share your frustrations and anger with others. It is reassuring to find out you are not alone in having these feelings and people in the group might have some good ideas for you.
In the meantime, begin looking right now for Adult Day Care or Short or Long Term placement for your parent. You are not going to be a decent caregiver if you get angrier and angrier.
What is Ashwahgandha??? How has that helped you..physically or mentally or both.
it’s not like you have to admit that you are having personal or mental problems. Your situation is situational and will pass with your LO’s passing. I don’t mean to sound harsh but our culture really doesn’t have proper ways to discuss dead or anything involved with death. So my apologies there.
Good luck and hopefully I can live with my own words.
I'd recommend two things. 1. Change your living arrangement. Dealing with elderly parents is tough enough when you don't live with them. But having your own space is critical in keeping your sanity. 2. Do something to take care of yourself. Walk, jog, knit, read, go to a movie, whatever you need to do. Sometimes just a few hours away makes a big difference.
If she has no assets or limited funds, but needs help with care, you need to seek help from someone as to how to get her placed somewhere - perhaps her doctor's office can suggest where to start? If she's capable of remaining in her own home, but needs some assistance, then move yourself out and find ways to bring any help she might need to her.
Like lealonnie1, I knew living with my mother was not going to work, for many reasons. I still developed frustration and anger with brothers (didn't help nearly enough with all the other issues, clearing out her place, cleaning it and scheduling or doing repairs, then getting it ready for sale - 1.5 hr drive each way for me, took good part of my time, effort and money for over a year and a half, while managing everything else for her care/finances at the same time - could write a book!
I finally realized that this anger was only hurting me, not them. The only way to deal with my anger at my brothers was to start an email to each, explaining it all in regards to their behavior and lack of help/understanding, modifying it from time to time and then just letting it sit there in the draft folder. It was a catharsis of sorts - let me safely and calmly get it all out and stash it, without the repercussions I knew would follow. These were left there about a year and a half ago.
I still get miffed at YB and his laissez-faire attitude (he thinks because mom is in a facility it is all taken care of, I just write a check!) Have had no contact with OB in over a year (would have been even longer, but had to communicate - text/email only - about how to handle the cap gains we had to report - all funds were put into her trust for her care, but it was reported as cap gains for us.) He physically man-handled me when he was last here, so he is not welcome in my existence or presence! Thankfully he lives 2 days drive away and can't deal with even visiting mom (dementia), so not likely to see him! When I do feel that anger start to boil, I might vent a bit, but kiss them off and move on to other more pleasant things.
Do come back and give what details you can, it might help us provide more guidance.
Do come here to vent, it can help.
Some therapists haven't experienced any of this first hand, so they really don't understand. It might help to try a different therapist, but do inquire about their qualifications - find one that HAS been on this road!
Many of us here have been in your shoes or at least some very similar shoes and we DO understand!