Living with my elderly parent has taken its toll on me. I have become a very angry person because of it. Talk therapy does not work for me. I tried prozac and it didn't help either.
You are an adult and adults sometimes have to make difficult decisions and choices like leaving a bad relationship, quitting a dead-end job, and moving away from their parents. No pill can fix your problem.
At best, a pill is a temporary fix while you get together a real plan for yourself that includes treating yourself with love and kindness and recognizing that you deserve to have a life.
Your situation is unsustainable. If you think the anger is going to get better by popping a pill, you are kidding yourself. First, you take "just one" Xanax. Then two. Eventually, you find yourself needing one every few hours just to get through your day. Does that sound healthy?
I have walked in your shoes. I enabled my in-laws to live alone for years longer than I should have. The more I helped them, the more they "needed" help. Enabling is disabling. I burned out. I got sick. It took me more than one *year* to get my health back. I was angry and no amount of talking helped. This forum - and the good people on it - helped me establish healthy boundaries with my in-laws.
Caregivers often die before the people for whom they are caring die. You matter. You have options.
"Caregivers often die before the people for whom they are caring die." Or very soon after! I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed this.
I have/had relatives who completely burned out taking care of 2 parents who desperately needed to be in a NH.
Very shortly after the deaths of the parents (within months) one daughter died of cancer. Within months of her death, the other developed dementia, which is now severe. Her daughter is now her live-in caregiver, making the same mistake she made with her parents.
1 - stay away from alcohol hard to do as a caregiver 2 - vitamin c and b 3 - soup and lots of it has a very uplifting effect for me at least 4 - pamper yourself with whatever makes you happy that won’t hurt you 5 - Sometimes the best pill I found is the one my favorite comic/actor took, Robin Williams, the F___itall pill do a google search don’t want to offend anyone here so look it up :)
hope this helps and try to take care of yourself I know it’s hard.
A daily walk in the sunshine does wonders. A "happy light" (google it) in the house can help during depressing winter months. A glass of wine in the evenings. Tempting as it may be, try to stay away from the hard liquor.
At a minimum, you need your own room, painted and decorated your way, as a haven away from the person for whom you are care giving. Sometimes this is difficult to achieve if you live with a parent who HOARDS and whose house is a disaster. If you intend to continue being there, make that sanctuary room happen.
XenaJada, that is a very sad story about your relatives!!!
Why wasn't it that the two parents weren't in a NH? Was it a case of "not a facility for MY parents!"? Or...? And now the cycle is perpetuated.
Meds and therapy and breaks and exercise, etc. all may help, but surely not enough to counteract all the damage done by relentless 24/7 caregiving of an elder with many issues. Changing that situation, either by having the caregiver or the elder(s) move out is often the only thing that will help the situation.
Likely the parents were not in a NH because of promises made to the parents of "We will NEVER put you in a NH!"
The father developed severe dementia, yet his body remained strong and healthy. Every single evening, he would sundown and become VERY combative with the family, fighting with them, punching them, etc.! He frequently escaped during the night. The mother eventually developed dementia as well. Guess what. They finally got sick enough that they ended up in a NH, but only for about a month each before passing.
My parents both in their 80's and still sane and mobile are aware that *Dementia to the point of roaming, combativeness, or slinging and smearing poop everywhere will get them sent to a NH. *Becoming an invalid will get them sent to a NH. *Being in a wheelchair and UNABLE to assist in their own transfer from the WC to a bed or chair will get them sent to a NH.
I do not know HOW in the world some people take care of an elderly parent who is an invalid or who has dementia and stays up screaming or playing in their feces and smearing it all over the house daily. I've read stories here of this very thing. I cannot even comprehend dealing with this every. single. day.
Your only obligation as a caregiver is to ensure your loved one is clean, fed and safe. I've seen elderly people fed, bathed, sitting comfortably in their favorite chair with a blanket, snack, remote, water, etc. and still bi+ching to high heaven, constantly wanting more and more and more attention.
One thing I see live-in family members do for their elderly parent is enable bad behavior to the point of becoming an indentured servant. Sometimes it is a slowly creeping thing, but I've seen it get to the point that the elderly person wants the caregiver to be at their beck and call 24/7, even doing things the elderly person could do for him/herself. Frequently they will have you running your butt off if you let them. Things I witnessed my grandmother say to my mom.
"Stop what you are doing and get me some ice for my water! I only want ONE cube!" "Come scratch my back! I cannot reach it with this back scratcher thing." "Come rub my feet!" "Come sit and talk to me! I'm tired of watching TV. "I want to go to the store with you. I need a few things and I want to get out of this house!" (this usually would involve multiple bathroom stops with adult diaper changes and very often a blowout which would end the entire trip) "When are you going to fix me some lunch?" (asked exactly one hour after eating a large breakfast)
Before you resort to medications, would you be willing to try non pharmaceutical interventions first? Is your situation such that you can take a break from caregiving? Maybe attend a caregiver support group, a massage, dinner out with friends, coffee? How about setting time apart each day for you and you alone? Depending your financial status, how about a vacation? Anger/ irritability (more so irritability) is one of the symptoms of depression. If you have not had a visit with your primary care physician is in order. Counseling as well. I feel so bad for you. Good luck. One last thought, do you have any family who can assist you and allow you some respite? Facilities also offer respite care but it is an out of pocket expense.
I do get massages and take care of myself. But it is a short-term fix. I could use a month-long vacation and have means to do so, but cannot leave her and there is no one to take care of her. My brother checked out on her about a month ago. I planned a short-term vacation in Sept. but she wasn't too keen on being home alone. I don't feel I have depression, but maybe I do. I was on Prozac and I didn't find much difference, except I slept more. I may try another med and I will tell my doc what I want cuz she doesn't know a whole heck of a lot. I do my own research. Thanks for the suggestions and concern though.
My Dr. prescribed A low dose of Paxil, it took the edge off and helped me cope better! I love the natural suggestions but sometimes you just need a little extra help!
Thank you everyone for your comments. My mother's wrist is healing and hopefully she will go back to the way she was (which was more independent) as times goes on. Actually she is doing more things on her own now. But I am still hiring an aide (long-term) to come in 3 times a week and will increase the days if I feel it necessary. That should help immensely. However, that does not change my long-standing (now ingrained) anger. Yes, meditation, yoga--which I hate, and all other things are fine and dandy, but I feel I need some medicinal help (probably short-term) to take the edge off and keep me more calm while I work on controlling my impatience and anger through other means.
My father passed away 5 months ago, and I am still (as is she) dealing with that loss. I cry almost daily when I think of him. It is still hard to believe he is gone. He was sick for 5 years, but did well until the last 6 months of his life. I took care of him in those last months and was happy to do so, but it was very stressful and worrisome for me, especially when he was in and out of the hospital. I have had other losses as well (my beloved pet and a long-lost love) so these past few years have been really hard for me. So, with all of it I am sad (at times) and super stressed out. That, is why I want to try meds cuz I just can't do it on my own anymore.
Ugh, the veritable sh*t storm. Although my current one is not as bad, there is one going on for me. As I told my son, the first one hits, okay, regroup, pull up socks make a new plan and move on... then comes the next and the next annnnd the next... it reaches a point where there is no way to regroup, socks have ripped open and no plan will work. SIGH
Rather than spew the details of my storms (this is about you not me), I will only say I feel you, I really do. There is still a wee bit of hope left in me that these storms will pass and I can get past all this. Kind of like the little tiny spark left in the NeverEnding Story when the Nothing destroys everything, and Bastian restores their world with it. In his case it required making wishes. If wishes were horses... yeah, right. In our case, we have to baby that spark and work it back into a nice warming glow and rebuild everything ourselves!
Wishing you all the best and hope that you too can find a safe port out of the storms and rekindle that little spark into a new life.
I have depression due to being a caregiver for my father. I was on Lexapro and Wellbutrin but the effects tend to wear off and for some reason it made me clench my jaw during sleeping.
I take St. John's Wort 300mg 3 times a day along with Siberian ginseng (Siberian Eleuthero) after reading a medical study that this works as well as the antidepressants. You have to take it at least a month to see effects. It seems to work where I am not so fast to anger and not so sad. It also helps me sleep regularly and have nice dreams. In addition, I also take small breaks to get a manicure or pedicure or go out to my favorite place to eat on bad days. It also helps to talk/vent every once in awhile. Hope this helps.
You have reached your human limitations. I will bet, if you have a decent therapist that you have been told that. You are not a Saint, but a human being. All the ativan, all the xanax, all the antidepressants in the world will not change what is indeed a fact. You have reached the end of your rope and your mind is trying with all its power to tell you that. You can now go into addiction (doctors give ativan out like candies, or you can try liquor), or you can recognize that Saints end their lives shot full of arrows, and eternity being prayed to for favors. Not a good job description, as I like to say. Please recognize your human limitations, go into survival mode and protect yourself. You owe yourself a life. You owe your parent love; you will continue to provide that when your parent is in placement. I am so sorry for this grief and pain. I hope you will update us. But no one can help you now, but yourself. Certainly meds are not the answer.
At best, a pill is a temporary fix while you get together a real plan for yourself that includes treating yourself with love and kindness and recognizing that you deserve to have a life.
Your situation is unsustainable. If you think the anger is going to get better by popping a pill, you are kidding yourself. First, you take "just one" Xanax. Then two. Eventually, you find yourself needing one every few hours just to get through your day. Does that sound healthy?
I have walked in your shoes. I enabled my in-laws to live alone for years longer than I should have. The more I helped them, the more they "needed" help. Enabling is disabling. I burned out. I got sick. It took me more than one *year* to get my health back. I was angry and no amount of talking helped. This forum - and the good people on it - helped me establish healthy boundaries with my in-laws.
Caregivers often die before the people for whom they are caring die. You matter. You have options.
Or very soon after!
I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed this.
I have/had relatives who completely burned out taking care of 2 parents who desperately needed to be in a NH.
Very shortly after the deaths of the parents (within months) one daughter died of cancer. Within months of her death, the other developed dementia, which is now severe. Her daughter is now her live-in caregiver, making the same mistake she made with her parents.
2 - vitamin c and b
3 - soup and lots of it has a very uplifting effect for me at least
4 - pamper yourself with whatever makes you happy that won’t hurt you
5 - Sometimes the best pill I found is the one my favorite comic/actor took, Robin Williams, the F___itall pill do a google search don’t want to offend anyone here so look it up :)
hope this helps and try to take care of yourself I know it’s hard.
A "happy light" (google it) in the house can help during depressing winter months.
A glass of wine in the evenings. Tempting as it may be, try to stay away from the hard liquor.
At a minimum, you need your own room, painted and decorated your way, as a haven away from the person for whom you are care giving. Sometimes this is difficult to achieve if you live with a parent who HOARDS and whose house is a disaster. If you intend to continue being there, make that sanctuary room happen.
Why wasn't it that the two parents weren't in a NH? Was it a case of "not a facility for MY parents!"? Or...? And now the cycle is perpetuated.
Meds and therapy and breaks and exercise, etc. all may help, but surely not enough to counteract all the damage done by relentless 24/7 caregiving of an elder with many issues. Changing that situation, either by having the caregiver or the elder(s) move out is often the only thing that will help the situation.
The father developed severe dementia, yet his body remained strong and healthy. Every single evening, he would sundown and become VERY combative with the family, fighting with them, punching them, etc.! He frequently escaped during the night. The mother eventually developed dementia as well. Guess what. They finally got sick enough that they ended up in a NH, but only for about a month each before passing.
My parents both in their 80's and still sane and mobile are aware that
*Dementia to the point of roaming, combativeness, or slinging and smearing poop everywhere will get them sent to a NH.
*Becoming an invalid will get them sent to a NH.
*Being in a wheelchair and UNABLE to assist in their own transfer from the WC to a bed or chair will get them sent to a NH.
I do not know HOW in the world some people take care of an elderly parent who is an invalid or who has dementia and stays up screaming or playing in their feces and smearing it all over the house daily. I've read stories here of this very thing. I cannot even comprehend dealing with this every. single. day.
One thing I see live-in family members do for their elderly parent is enable bad behavior to the point of becoming an indentured servant. Sometimes it is a slowly creeping thing, but I've seen it get to the point that the elderly person wants the caregiver to be at their beck and call 24/7, even doing things the elderly person could do for him/herself. Frequently they will have you running your butt off if you let them. Things I witnessed my grandmother say to my mom.
"Stop what you are doing and get me some ice for my water! I only want ONE cube!"
"Come scratch my back! I cannot reach it with this back scratcher thing."
"Come rub my feet!"
"Come sit and talk to me! I'm tired of watching TV.
"I want to go to the store with you. I need a few things and I want to get out of this house!" (this usually would involve multiple bathroom stops with adult diaper changes and very often a blowout which would end the entire trip)
"When are you going to fix me some lunch?" (asked exactly one hour after eating a large breakfast)
My father passed away 5 months ago, and I am still (as is she) dealing with that loss. I cry almost daily when I think of him. It is still hard to believe he is gone. He was sick for 5 years, but did well until the last 6 months of his life. I took care of him in those last months and was happy to do so, but it was very stressful and worrisome for me, especially when he was in and out of the hospital. I have had other losses as well (my beloved pet and a long-lost love) so these past few years have been really hard for me. So, with all of it I am sad (at times) and super stressed out. That, is why I want to try meds cuz I just can't do it on my own anymore.
Rather than spew the details of my storms (this is about you not me), I will only say I feel you, I really do. There is still a wee bit of hope left in me that these storms will pass and I can get past all this. Kind of like the little tiny spark left in the NeverEnding Story when the Nothing destroys everything, and Bastian restores their world with it. In his case it required making wishes. If wishes were horses... yeah, right. In our case, we have to baby that spark and work it back into a nice warming glow and rebuild everything ourselves!
Wishing you all the best and hope that you too can find a safe port out of the storms and rekindle that little spark into a new life.
I take St. John's Wort 300mg 3 times a day along with Siberian ginseng (Siberian Eleuthero) after reading a medical study that this works as well as the antidepressants. You have to take it at least a month to see effects. It seems to work where I am not so fast to anger and not so sad. It also helps me sleep regularly and have nice dreams. In addition, I also take small breaks to get a manicure or pedicure or go out to my favorite place to eat on bad days. It also helps to talk/vent every once in awhile. Hope this helps.
Please recognize your human limitations, go into survival mode and protect yourself. You owe yourself a life. You owe your parent love; you will continue to provide that when your parent is in placement.
I am so sorry for this grief and pain. I hope you will update us. But no one can help you now, but yourself. Certainly meds are not the answer.