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Living with my elderly parent has taken its toll on me. I have become a very angry person because of it. Talk therapy does not work for me. I tried prozac and it didn't help either.

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a quaalude and a quart of beer .
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Texasgal Nov 5, 2019
Funny but true...a sense of humor is a must in this care taking world!
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HanaLee - The only medication for burn out in your case is time away from your mother. You need to either move out or have regular breaks from her. You have to cut way back on the amount of time you spend with your mom or else you will reach a dangerous point mentally.

Do you work outside the home? Are there other family members who can step in for you? Can your mother afford a caregiver?

My Alzheimer's mother lived with me for two years, and I was close to going off a cliff. Finally, I moved her out. Now, I see her a few hours a day and some days that is too much. I know what you mean about becoming an angry person. That was me back then and I still lose it with her sometimes even now.
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DizzyBritches Nov 2, 2019
I didn’t visit my husband every day in rehab because I ended up getting angry at his apparent attitude of non-compliance re: diet/walking/etc. I started thinking “what am I doing here? I’m not helping.”

A few breaks helped me realize that I have no control over what my husband chooses to do, and things have been a lot smoother. I give him his meds, assist him with things he needs assistance with. Other than that, it’s not in my hands.
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If you absolutely hate caring for your parent, have you considered nursing home placement? You really are better off doing that.

Believe me you are living the "good old days" because they are only going to get worse. Just wait until they get bedridden and you have to put them on a strict bowel schedule, and changing their diapers multiple times daily. After a bowel movement they will even put their hands in it and smear it all over the place. The stool also get into their vagina so that has to be cleaned out very well or they will get an infection UTI. Try doing that to your own parent. Nobody else is going to do it and even if you hire a CNA they won't do a good job cleaning her. UTIs can be very nasty and a very common cause of infections and death.

This is only the tip of the iceberg.
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ExhaustedPiper Nov 5, 2019
See I read stuff like this and I think NO WAY. My mom will be placed long before I deal with what you just described.
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I believe there are some things that medicine cannot fix, such as care giver burnout. Maybe Xanax for occasional anxiety could help, but that is just a temporary answer, as I'm sure you know.

Sometimes the only way to remedy such a situation is to find other living arrangements for your mother, such as Assisted Living. In the meantime, are you taking enough time for yourself? Perhaps getting your mom into respite for a week so you can take a vacation would help. Can you sign yourself up for yoga classes or other relaxing activities like meditation could help you with the inner turmoil and anger you're feeling. I will tell you, I could NEVER live in the same house with my mother, under ANY circumstances, it would just be too much for me to handle. If you've reached that point, it's okay to cry uncle and say ENOUGH.

Best of luck!
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DizzyBritches Nov 2, 2019
Yoga is great!
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Hi HannaLee, i wish there was a silver bullet for caregiver burnout but unfortunately there's nothing but pills for depression and anxiety. The burnout is real and if you keep going ignoring what you need to do to help yourself, you could end up like me. I was in the mental behavioral unit of my local hospital for 7 days. At least the therapists there offered resources for the caregiver like attending a caregiver support group, resources for relieving stress through exercise and meditation. The psych doc tried different medications on me while i was there. It's not a good place to be for they will not allow you to go home until they believe you are stabilized. I did find when i got home, i took more short breaks and would go outside and walk for 10 minutes or more. Sometimes even the smallest change can make a big difference in how you see things. I now attend an Emotions Anonymous support group for those of us living with unsolved circumstances and following a 12 step recovery program which helps rewire your thinking from negative thoughts to more positive and hopeful thoughts. It's nice because you have others there to support you. Aside from all of the above i hired a caregiver to relieve me 1 or 2 days a week so i can participate in these outside activities. I've also have found it helpful to just get my mother out of the house during the week. I take her in her night gown boots and a jacket for cooler weather and drive around town for a couple of hours. We stop and i get out and buy her icecream at a local farmer's market. If you have a hobby, you can relieve tension by.doing whatever it is you enjoy while your LO is napping or watching tv. These are some of the tools I've used over the years and have found them to all be helpful for staving off the blues. Good luck to you.
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I hope you come back and give some more details. That way you will get better answers to help you figure out what to do. For example, do you live in your mother's home or does she live in your home? (maybe it's your dad, not sure)

My mom lives next door to me and I can barely take it. Under NO circumstances will I ever move her IN with me. I don't even want her next door anymore. I completely understand your anger. It's like your entire life gets hijacked. This is not sustainable long term, imo. Look ahead as to how you will END this situation in the best possible way for yourself and your mother. Her elder care is NOT your responsibility no matter how badly you were brainwashed into thinking it was your responsibility.

I tried counseling and anti-depressants too. It doesn't change the situation. My counselor once asked me: "Do you have anyone that you trust that will tell you when enough is enough?" She was talking about my health and well being. I'm trying to drive home the fact that you are NOT responsible for your mother's elder care, you need to take care of yourself, and when you are angry all the time, depressed, trying everything you can to just survive it's time to look ahead and change things.

To answer your original question. No, there are no good long term meds to make these feelings go away. Not in my experience anyway. A Xanax or glass of wine will help when your about to crack but that's not a long term solution.

I hope you come back. I know how bad this sucks and you are not alone. You will get good advice here, and hopefully figure out a plan of change.
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annemculver Nov 5, 2019
I like your answer. I realize we can’t make our elderly parents’ life for them. But we owe them some care & consideration that does NOT interfere with our lives, which must come first.AND it must be shared by all siblings OR other relatives and professionals. It should never be s burden for one person to bear!
Love yes, enslavement no!!
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I am not sure that there is a pill that will help you. Perhaps the answer is to move out and have your parents hire caretakers or they go into AL.

Sounds like so many others you in a burnout situation, don't give up you for them..there are other options.
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It is time to stop living with your elderly parent when you need to drug yourself just to get through your life. Sorry, but this isn't right, and it won't help. Your body will adjust to the drugs and need more. How can you take care of an elderly person drugged? Anti-depressants aren't working for you and other things will knock you out of commission. Easier said than done, but it is now ruining your mental health and well-being. I would suggest mindfulness training and doing the meditation exercises but how are you to do that when you are working 24/7.
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I speak from years of experience having been in your shoes. No matter how much of a saint and an angel a caretaker is, they will always be subject to abuse and bad behavior by their "patients", no matter who they are or what the relationship is. It is worse if they are mental - nearly impossible to deal with them. I have learned too late, the hard way, I do not care WHY they do what they do, if they are causing me harm and difficulties and having great negative impacts on my life and my health, there are two options only. One, you get very tough (no more Mr./Mrs. Nice Guy to them). You tell them you will not under any circumstances tolerate what they are doing and saying and they will stop at once. Scare them, do whatever it takes - force them to stop. If they can't or won't, think of YOU first - you deserve that much - find a way to place them so you are not harmed for the rest of your life and have a chance to live in peace. They don't deserve you. Place them - and do it now. If you don't, they will slowly destroy you with guilt, anger, health failures, etc., broken families. Do NOT allow them to get away with it. Pills and counseling are not going to make you feel better if they have this behavior.
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sandy1955 Nov 5, 2019
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There is no shame in placing your parent in AL or a LTC facility.  They have 24 hr staff, you don't.  Who is going to take care of your parent if you are broken.  I'm not going to sugar coat things...the legwork is painful...trying to find the right place and getting all of the finances in order, but your sanity and physical health are priceless.  Just do it.  Become the daughter again HanaLee and let the professionals do the care giving.
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