Am I wrong to deny my 65 year old daughter permission to move into my home?

You have got a taste of what it would be like if she was living with you full time. I would enquirer about getting a carer in for her. Does she not have any children herself ???? Over here in Ireland they do a thing with the bank where you can live in your house for very little mortgage until you pass away and then your house goes to the bank. I personnaly think she has to start fending for herself.

You say your concern is how she can cope on her own. Not to be cruel but she better figure it out because chances are you will either die first or need care at some point. And then what? She should not depend on you. Something isn’t right if she became angry and bitter towards you. But even if she hadn’t you would do her no favors by not letting her stand on her own.
I don’t know how old her husband was but can she claim his social security if it is higher than her $2000? You might check into Section 8 housing for low income seniors. Paying nearly half for her housing is a lot. Can she be in a grief support group? Maybe ther is one online during Covid? Or she needs an antidepressant too?

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I suggest that your daughter seek counseling or join a support group that can help her with her emotions and specifically anger through this challenging time for her. The group support could be best since they can provide great resources and teach her to live independently. Losing a spouse can paralyze some people because of grief and fear. She needs outside, professional support specializing in loss of spouse.
Also, you did the right thing by sending her home. You supported her and guided her through the first phase. Now she must do it! You can’t do it for her.
You can encourage, you can suggest, but she must be the one to take her first step.

Maybe it is time to put her somewhere else for mor ecare. It is not your responsibily if you don't want it. You have done ienough. Ask your son to help in that to maybe make some calls. Or have her move some place she can afford.

That's fantastic you were able to move her back into her home. I our relationship started to become unhealthy and your health is a priority. Don't let her come back. Ask your son to check in on her. You can also look into a care worker for her who can come to the house for house keeping and errands. You have to maintain boundaries for your health and sanity.

What you’re going thru is living hell; I’m so sorry. But even normal roles reverse sometimes: you must put your wellbeing & mental health first. You must draw lines in the sand. Direct her to those agencies that can help her, let her know you want the best for her, but don’t get sucked into her internal strife. A terrible conflict for a Mom - you sound like you’re strong: STAY strong! And may Divine Providence come to the needs of you both right now!

Oh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your SIL, and for what is happening in your family. I do agree she should not live with you, but please do not pay for her expenses. You may be propping up something that is a financial dead end. Without her husband, who will maintain the home? Pay the property taxes? Make repairs? It would be good if she could (at some point) see the wisdom in transitioning to IL in a care community that has continuity of care (from IL to AL to LTC to MC to hospice). Who is her PoA? You may need to consider that she may have a UTI (which causes cognitive and behavioral symptoms) or she has early onset ALZ or has some mental illness/depression. I realize you can't help someone who won't help themselves, but maintaining a thread of a relationship (with healthy boundaries) may allow her to be helped in the future. She can't afford the house. It would be good to know how much equity is in it, as selling it and downsizing may be her best strategy. Not sure how long ago she lost her husband, maybe she's still grieving and no one can say how long that takes, but she can't stop living. As a parent, I understand how hard it is to stand by and watch her implode. I'm hoping she will call you for appropriate help when she's ready. May you have peace in your heart as you wait in standby mode.

You are correct in keeping her out of your home.

I am sorry that she is being angry and bitter towards you, people that don't do anything productive seem to be like that no matter what you do for them.

Just love her and pray that she starts taking responsibility for herself, that is the only way her problems will ever get solved, not by tearing you apart.

Very ill and crippled - what's actually the matter with her?

I'm very to read that her husband died. Had he been her primary caregiver for long?

You have been shown what the future would be if you allowed daughter move in. SIL must have done everything since it seems she has no idea how to handle money.

It always surprised me that people have mortgages at 65 and older. Has your daughter checked to see if husband paid for Mortgage insurance? This would pay the balance of the mortgage off. Then the question is, can she afford to keep it up. Hopefully, she has some equity in the home and selling it she would make some profit. She could then find a 55 and up apartment. They are usually handicapped accessable. Some have activities. Common areas to meet other people. She needs to make a life for herself.

Your County Office of Aging should be able to help her with resources. Maybe even someone to help her learn to budget. Your County probably has a Disabilities Dept. She may get help there. There is help with utilities.

I am assuming you are in your mid 80s. Seem to be an independent person and can still do for yourself. But none of us knows when it will be our time. Your daughter needs to do for herself now. She can't be allowed to rely on others. We really don't help people by doing everything for them.

I had a friend who she and her hubby have passed. Nice people but they never taught their girls how to be independent. Which surprised me, because GF was a juvenile diabetic and had always had health problems. I would have thought the girls would have been taught to help more. But Mom felt she could do it all. This was OK till she turned 50 and had a massive heart attack and it was downhill from there. Well, neither girl has done all that well. The one actually lost the parents home. So she did her girls no favors. Do your daughter a favor and show her how to be independent. 😊

She may need some grief counseling to learn to live on her own and manage her home. Is she physically capable of taking care of herself? She's young for assisted living, but I have seen several people her age or even younger needing care facilities. If you feel she may not be capable of managing, you and your son could look into care facilities. But of course you are correct to not have her in your care any longer.

My gosh, this is the exact opposite of what we usually see here. It's usually the child dealing with the parent not wanting to move out.

And your daughter is 65...it seems like it wouldn't be realistic for you to continue to take care of her.

She's 65, it's about time she learns to live on her own - in the long term it is better for both of you.