Am I wrong to deny my 65 year old daughter permission to move into my home?

I'd say 65 was time for her to grow up. Do not take her in. Why ruin your own life? She can get help somewhere else. Shocking but many people do not plain for old age. People who need too much help are impossible to help.

No, you are not wrong for denying your daughter moving in. It would be a disservice to her. I think that she should go to grief counseling to deal with the loss. Since she is low income, she may want to consider a program called senior shared housing that in my area is associated with the Y. That would help with household expenses. She may also be eligible for some services through the area agency on Aging. The key is to encourage her independence. I understand being angry at the situation, I don't understand abusiveness. Hold your ground.

The decision is yours with the same rationale applied to any expectation you may have of any of your family to take you in.

BobbieSena, thanks for updating. I'm so sorry your daughter has suffered this latest health crises.

As you've already found, she may 'want' to live with you/ be looked after by you - but will 'need' a different solution.

You are doing a great job working with the social worker to find this. Best of luck.

tHANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR THE KINDNESS AND ADVICE. My daughter was very healthy untill 12 years ago. She had ovarian cancer and extensive chemo which damaged her. She receives $600 a month Social Security disability and has for about10 years. She also receives a social security widows pensionof $1400 am onth;; a total of $2,000 a month. She is receiving $450 a month for 13 months from the residue of a 401K.My SNL had a $10,ooo Life insurance policy which paid for his funeral.My daughter has a home with a $98,000 mortgage balance and a monthly payment of $910 a month.She was recently hospitalized for 3 days. She is now in a rehab dor 17 more days. i am praying and thinking about what to do. My daughter does not seem rational, but is coherent. She wants to live with me, but since she cannot, she wants to go back to her own home. I want to sell her home for a profit of approximately $100,000. I want to try to help her get into assisted living where a nurse can control her meds and where good meals can be prepared for her., etc.I am trying to communicate with a social worker at the rehab to help me and Claire decide what is best for her.This recent hospitalization was because she fell and collapsed. She may have had a stroke.She is now receiving physical therapy twice daily and seems to be improving.She is so happy where she is, but medicare only pays for 17 more days.She still thinks it is terrible that I will not let her live with me.She does not want to give me POA, so I cannot talk to her doctors nor can I sell her house.

There are a lot of things missing from the story but I understand the OP may be grieving and it's hard to write them down. She says her son-in-law died tragically. It could have been something like a car crash or perhaps the stress of caring for his wife the OP's ill and crippled daughter became too much for him. If the mother continued to care for an abusive 65 year old daughter the outcome could be similar. I think the ill and crippled daughter needs help and definitely cannot live with her mother as she seems unable to care for herself. I wonder if the issues are physical, psychological or both?

Can you or your son get in touch with a social worker or district nurse who might be able to suggest something? Your son got her out from under your feet, it's time for him to step up to the plate now and get help for his sister so she won't end up living with you again.

You are not wrong for not allowing your 65 year old daughter to move back into your home. I understand that you were trying to assist her because of her husbands death but it didn't work out so she needs to learn how to make it on her own. Your daughter has already shown you that she will be difficult to deal with, you should believe her and not fall back into the same situation again. It is very kind of your son to step up, otherwise you may have been trapped because she probably wouldn't have left if you would have asked her to. Please enjoy your golden years without the added stress.

Obviously all of our situations are different but my opinion is find her another place to live. In her best interest you need to force her to continue to take care of herself and her home etc. My husband passed away a long time ago and I know the grief but in my case I had kids so I HAD to go to work to support them. In your daughters case it is different. If she moves in with you she will become crippled. I mean that in the sense that if she is allowed to continue to just exist everyday it only will get worse. My mother had my half brother from her 1st marriage. She was overprotective and when her husband left her with nothing but my brothers clothes and his crib she moved in with her mother but it was short lived. My grandma would not allow her to just sit around. So my mom did get on her own but she continued to give to my half brother ALL the time. As a matter of fact he is 71 years old and lived with my mom until her death last year. He never had a job he had no income, he lived in families homes never filled out an application for a car or apartment and he doesn't know how. She is gone and he now at his age has to finally take care of himself. I won't do it because he was and is so abusive and a horrible human being but for some reason my mother kept taking care of him. She crippled him as I said. He cannot do anything for himself. he is incapable of socializing with anyone, he has no friends no real family that will put up with him and he all of sudden has all these medical issues that keep him from working. So if your daughter is in ok health and is not dangerous or thinking about hurting herself or others the best thing you can possibly do is sit her down and tell her the plan. Even if it costs you a little money to keep her on her own. Telling her this is the way its going to be (in a nice way but firm) your a smart woman with a lot to give and you need to get yourself back to a routine. If she refuses then it is a whole different ball game. Make a time limit ask her to find a job and make her be accountable for her paycheck and her expenses. It's a difficult job for a mom to make these decisions but it is in her best interest. She is not that old and has a lot of life left in her I hope. If you allow her to move it it doesn't matter what rules you make it will come down to you paying the bills and her lying around all day doing nothing. Who takes care of you? You have to be in your 80's. Isn't this the time you should be enjoying the golden years ( as my mom would say) you should not have to take on the burden of a 61 year old who has decided it's time to curl up in a ball and let everyone else pity her. Sorry for being so blunt but my brother is a mess it is sad to see a man with NOTHING at all in his life. what a waste. Be safe and remember being a little tough will make her stronger and more self sufficient. Everyone stay safe and healthy through all this craziness ok.

Don’t feel bad because she wanted to bring you down...maybe not intentionally, but you did her a big favor for which she might thank you for a year from now. You are strong & independent & she is not. However, she has one thing on her side...a house...but she cannot afford it. Perhaps your son can help her sell it & downsize to a studio or 1 bedroom apt? Or maybe a 55 & over place. She’s grieving her loss, & she was very dependent on him. So she transferred that dependence on you. Don’t take her back ..maybe she can even rent out a room to get $$$? She has to do background & credit check though. Maybe you can suggest that to her? After reading some other answers, I agree that her going to Social Security office to get Widow’s benefits is a good idea. Also any remaining life insurance? Anyway , good luck & hugs 🤗

I met a guy who said his relative just 'wasn't good at life things'. Could hold a full-time job, pay taxes, remember to pay bills on time, get to appointments, organise their 'life stuff'. It caused all sorts of problems: power getting cut off, car uninsured when crashed, rent unpaid, eviction. Sometimes had a live-in boyfriend to do all the 'life stuff' but when not, round & round the relatives to couch surf.

It wasn't drugs or drink. He didn't know what was the cause - a health condition or cognitive issue.

He felt (after the first stay was unsuccessful like yours) that wasn't the answer. He provided phone numbers to call. Lifeline, social welfare agencies like The Salvation Army & a local church welfare service. He hoped she would call one & get a case manager. One who could start working out how to find the right place for her in the world. Somewhere with support services checking in - somewhere she could be as independant as was possible for her.

Maybe this daughter needs a financial trustee? But maybe more.

At 65 it's young but not unheard of to need AL. The daughter may be relieved not to deal with arranging meals & paying bills. Would get help for care too (ill & crippled was mentioned).

The daughter has to see she needs help & to want to make those calls though.

Imho, she may need a psychiatrist.

Do NOT be a fool and allow her into your home. She will get worse and more demanding and your life - don't do it. Seek out help from professionals to either have her placed somewhere or find a situation where she can live by herself, perhaps in a senior apartment. Do not allow her to come back - you will be sorry. In the meantime, stand up to her and simply and strongly tell her you will not tolerate her negative behavior - no matter what.

She need professional help before she move in with you. There is a possibility that she may turn her anger on you. Give her time to get help and to heal.

Suggest family therapy, with a therapist who understands working with grief, with the two of you. Allowing visits would be the way to begin. You can also visit her in her residence and go out together to help her cut isolation. What used to be meaningful to her before the incident. Her stability needs to be assessed with a therapist who can help her with options. You are not equipped to deal with her alone. She is in crisis and needs to develop a support system. Letting Her just come live with you will allow her to atrophy and destroy you a little at a time.

I don't think you are wrong to deny your daughter permission to continue living with you; you can't afford to pay her way AND your way in life, not to mention that she was becoming too needy & abusive. Nobody should live with abuse of any kind. My question to you is this: What do you think is going on with your DD? She really may not be able to cope on her own and she may indeed need someone to take care of her ie: Assisted Living or managed care of some kind. Can you help her find a medical or psychiatric diagnosis without allowing her to move back in with you? I think she may need her mom right now in some capacity, to help her figure out what exactly is going on in her head. Is it just grief, or a combination of grief and psychiatric issues or early dementia? Duggan's recommendation is excellent to read Elisabeth Kubler-Ross; her books are a salve to a grieving soul. A book might not be enough for your DD right now, but it may give YOU some insight into what's happening.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and some prayers that your daughter gets evaluated and then gets some help.

Your son did you a huge favor. I’m afraid your daughter saw you as an easy mark after she had been there a couple of weeks and believe it or not, she would have taken you down. She will learn to take care of herself and be a grown up now. Sometimes, they have to be pushed out of the nest twice. Don’t allow her to ruin you. I have seen this done before. I feel bad that her husband passed but we all have to pull ourselves up by the boot straps and keep going. She also owes you, her mother, respect. Don’t forget that. Glad your son had the courage and strength to see it soon enough and get her to her own house. According to her age, you must be in your 80’s now. Time for you to have joy and peace. Wishing you the best.

She is grieving so she needs counseling if she cannot or will not move on and get to the acceptance place-- Read On Death and Dying-- Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross.
Perhaps she is experiencing an onslaught of dementia due to poor lifestyle habits and diet. Maybe the home needs to be put up for sale and get her into an assisted living while you can do it while she is more mobile and not eventually bedridden.
Get some help. And get God's Best for her and you.

So many questions and concerns, but as others have said, there are elements missing, making it hard to make suggestions beyond what you have already done.

Without being too specific, as it is none of our business, can you clarify "ill" and "crippled"? Is her bitterness and anger due to making her move back to her own home or was she behaving this way during the temporary stay with you?

If she has medical issues (ill, crippled), there are services that may be provided to help her maintain some "independence".

If her husband's income, and therefore his SS was more, she might qualify for taking widow's benefit (see https://www.aarp.org/retirement/social-security/questions-answers/social-security-spouse-dies/) If she's 65, she is not yet considered to be full retirement age, but perhaps her disabilities might come into play? No way to know unless one of you contacts SS (call a local office, not the main number.)

Given her age and yours, plus the needs and behavioral issues, taking her back into your home would probably be the wrong thing to do. If her bitterness and anger started after you sent her back home, she will need to get over it. There isn't a lot you can do to change that, other than try to be morally supportive. If it started while she was in your home, it might be part of her grief and dismay at losing her husband, esp if he was very attentive and supportive. Becoming "more helpless" and demanding, even abusive could also be part of that. Again, there isn't much you can do to change that - she needs some help with that, but she will have to seek out that help. You could provide her with information about possible services available to her for getting help, both emotionally and physically, but she is most likely going to have to work this out herself. Unless she is cognitively impaired, enough so that living alone and performing ADLs isn't possible, the best you can do is provide information and moral support. If she is still on speaking terms with your son, but not you, perhaps he can play go-between for you.

Hoping she gets the assistance she needs to be able to move forward.

She's going through a rough time and you've already had her removed...good your son is in the picture because I doubt she'll be helping you in the future if you need any. Sounds like you have your favorites and she is not among them; perhaps some unresolved family issues...You have a right to do whatever you wish, and it seems you've already made your decision.

If your daughter is sick to the point that SonIL was taking care of her every need, then being at a home alone is probably not where she needs to be. And financially, can she afford to maintain her home and all of her bills. If you helped her set up automatic payments, then you have some idea of what comes in (the 2K) and what goes out each month. Can she afford to live there? Her income is the same now as when you paid all her bills for 3 months, so that's why I ask if she can afford to continue living in the house.

In hind sight, the very nice funeral money may have been better spent using less for the goodbye and more towards her care, but that is water under the bridge. At your age, you may need to use your money for your own care at any time. Gifting to others will hurt your ability to apply for Medicaid should you run out of savings and need to be in a facility bed. You can be penalized for monthly facility bills equal to the amounts you give away.

It seems clear that your daughter needs assistance and needs to live where she can receive help. It might be time to sit down w/her and show money coming in versus what she owes to explain she can't manage long before she loses her one asset, the house. It might be better to sell out and use the money for assisted living housing. The alternative is that you refinance house to make payment even lower over a longer period of time while rates are low. Maybe siblings can help pay for things she cannot afford - like the house insurance or taxes.

If she can't cope on her own maybe she will have to live with you--but set firm rules and even have her sign an agreement if necessary, and definitely charge her rent. You must set limits and you MUST charge her rent. and yes she will have to help with the household chores.

There is a beginning of this story missing here, which makes it impossible, utterly, to make any comment.
What is the matter with your daughter. I mean in a literal sense. Is she suffering from early dementia, or from some illness that is debilitating or a mental illness of some sort that is diagnosed and treated?
Did your precious son-in-law leave insurance?
If you mean "severely crippled" in the literal sense, then it is clear your daughter will need to live in care. Has she been completely in the care of the son in law throughout life? If so it is unusual that he would leave her unprovided for. You also mention her age. This means that you, yourself, are no longer young. You would be unable to remain her caregiver for any appreciable length of time.
I am so sorry for all this grief for you both.
So many questions here. Hope you can update a bit.
As to mentally, I think she is grieving, firstly. But it is crucial now that she have some autonomy, even if she must live in care.

Dear BobbieSena,
My long deceased mother was an RN and Director of Nursing for a Catholic Rehab Home for many years. My mother and stepfather were very good at teaching us the importance of personal responsibility and what our responsibilities are in life.
An abusive 65 year old child is plenty old enough to be responsible for her own behavior. No you should not put your personal safety in jeopardy by her misbehavior. Now if you feel that she is a danger to herself, perhaps you need to have her put under the supervision of a court appointed Guardian.
One of the lessons learned from my mother was our responsibility to plan for our own futures. Four years ago I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ at the age of 57. While I still had enough together mentally, with the help of Agingcare. I learned a lot of planning tips from other people that posted comments about banking, settling your legal affairs, planning for the type of funeral you may want, driving privileges.
My wife and I were beginning to put together the legal work of estate planning, medical directives, wills, DPOA, etc, about one month in to these plans, was when I received my diagnosis. We laid our legal plans to our adult children, and made sure they understood what was behind in our thinking and about how they should approach planning for their own life events.
I gave up driving privileges back in March without being told I needed to turn my license, Yes, I am dependent on help from my family, but I never put anybody in the position of being taken advantage of. They also realize they have a life of their own and the freedom to go out in to the world and stake their own claims in the world.
I also explained to my DW and children, when it is time for me to go in to MC which I believe I'm still a couple of years away from
needing, I want to be put in a place at least 100 mi from our home. I want it to be inconvenient for them to visit, so they can keep tending to their own families and that my DW can go about living her life as she wishes, as she is 8 yrs younger than me. I've also told the children, they should not interfere with mom is she decides she wants to date, or remarry. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that some of this information has been helpful.
I believe you've done all you need to for a 65 year old child.

Good Luck.

Of course, you have rights. You have a home and have the right to decide who lives there and the rules of the house. May I also remind you that your daughter has her own home and resources. She is responsible for those concerns and may live as she chooses there.

If she is incompetent, then get a doctor to declare her incompetent. Before that visit, have her go see a lawyer to complete her will, powers of attorney (medical and financial), and advanced directive. I would suggest that she gives power to a younger, mentally competent family member - maybe your son.

"...very ill and crippled..." What are her illnesses? What crippled her? I ask because it's important to know if she has always been crippled or if this happened later in her life.

How manageable are her illnesses? For example, if she has diabetes type 2 and is overweight then losing weight will help her control her diabetes. Just an example.

Please look into learned helplessness. She may have depended on her husband for too many things. If she got in and out of the Uber by herself, then she can function enough to maintain mobility and actively participate in life.

Encourage her to join a grief support group, see a geriatrician for a full workup, and talk to her pharmacist about her medications and unwanted side effects (confusion may not be dementia).

She is choosing to wallow in self pity. I understand that you feel for her - she's your daughter - but she is an adult and you need to treat her as one.

Sounds like your son sees things clearly. Maybe you and your son should pay her a visit at her home to see what's going on with her. I would not visit her alone given how "bitter and angry" she is with you.

You have an interesting dynamic here where it is almost a role reversal. Your daughter is grieving a loss and probably panicking about her own future. You are right to feel that you have a choice in this matter. I am assuming you might be 20 years her senior and you have your own responsibilities and worries. You have also assisted her in setting up her finances. That being said, your daughter is very ill and crippled and 65. As her mom, you might encourage her to investigate any and all social programs (including grief counseling) that she may qualify for. Any number of small forms of assistance can add up to a significant ease on her financial situation particularly after the $450/month stops. If, for example, she qualifies for fuel assistance, food stamps, a little in-home housekeeping or personal care, the pressure on her will feel less burdensome. If she truly can't take care of herself, then she may want to see if she qualifies through disability to live in assisted living or a group home. But you do need to protect your physical and financial health. Stay strong.

She may have other health issues like dementia. She needs to be seen by a doctor.

Agree with previous mentions of her returning to home & seeking help for whatever needs she now has due to the loss of her husband ( physical care, financial assist, living arrangements, etc.). Now to her other issues, she may be dealing with depression+/or anxiety. Agree with the grief support group but may need counseling also to help her think clearly about her future & how to deal with it.

My sincere condolences for the loss of your son in law. My first question would be if life insurance contributed for a nice funeral was there any left over to pay some bills to help that $2,000 a month stretch better. No. 2, not to sound morbid but consider there should be at least 30% or better decrease in utilities and food bill. With proper planning, I believe the difference can be livable aside mortgage paid. I feel the relationship was bruised before the tragedy between you and your daughter. For her to become abusive sounds like she may have had that trait prior. In any event, you did the right thing as she being 65, you are obviously a senior yourself... We just don't have the patience for that BS as we age.

I’m terribly sorry for your loss. It sounds like your daughter is grieving too, but not doing so in a healthy way.

She could need medical help and counseling to cope with her grief and get back on her feet. If she is prescribed antidepressant medication to help with her coping, it will take 30 days to take effect.

Be there from a distance unless you can take on more. If she were to move in with you it could become permanent.