Am I wrong to deny my 65 year old daughter permission to move into my home?

She's 65, it's about time she learns to live on her own - in the long term it is better for both of you.

My gosh, this is the exact opposite of what we usually see here. It's usually the child dealing with the parent not wanting to move out.

And your daughter is 65...it seems like it wouldn't be realistic for you to continue to take care of her.

She may need some grief counseling to learn to live on her own and manage her home. Is she physically capable of taking care of herself? She's young for assisted living, but I have seen several people her age or even younger needing care facilities. If you feel she may not be capable of managing, you and your son could look into care facilities. But of course you are correct to not have her in your care any longer.

You have been shown what the future would be if you allowed daughter move in. SIL must have done everything since it seems she has no idea how to handle money.

It always surprised me that people have mortgages at 65 and older. Has your daughter checked to see if husband paid for Mortgage insurance? This would pay the balance of the mortgage off. Then the question is, can she afford to keep it up. Hopefully, she has some equity in the home and selling it she would make some profit. She could then find a 55 and up apartment. They are usually handicapped accessable. Some have activities. Common areas to meet other people. She needs to make a life for herself.

Your County Office of Aging should be able to help her with resources. Maybe even someone to help her learn to budget. Your County probably has a Disabilities Dept. She may get help there. There is help with utilities.

I am assuming you are in your mid 80s. Seem to be an independent person and can still do for yourself. But none of us knows when it will be our time. Your daughter needs to do for herself now. She can't be allowed to rely on others. We really don't help people by doing everything for them.

I had a friend who she and her hubby have passed. Nice people but they never taught their girls how to be independent. Which surprised me, because GF was a juvenile diabetic and had always had health problems. I would have thought the girls would have been taught to help more. But Mom felt she could do it all. This was OK till she turned 50 and had a massive heart attack and it was downhill from there. Well, neither girl has done all that well. The one actually lost the parents home. So she did her girls no favors. Do your daughter a favor and show her how to be independent. 😊

Very ill and crippled - what's actually the matter with her?

I'm very to read that her husband died. Had he been her primary caregiver for long?

You are correct in keeping her out of your home.

I am sorry that she is being angry and bitter towards you, people that don't do anything productive seem to be like that no matter what you do for them.

Just love her and pray that she starts taking responsibility for herself, that is the only way her problems will ever get solved, not by tearing you apart.

Oh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your SIL, and for what is happening in your family. I do agree she should not live with you, but please do not pay for her expenses. You may be propping up something that is a financial dead end. Without her husband, who will maintain the home? Pay the property taxes? Make repairs? It would be good if she could (at some point) see the wisdom in transitioning to IL in a care community that has continuity of care (from IL to AL to LTC to MC to hospice). Who is her PoA? You may need to consider that she may have a UTI (which causes cognitive and behavioral symptoms) or she has early onset ALZ or has some mental illness/depression. I realize you can't help someone who won't help themselves, but maintaining a thread of a relationship (with healthy boundaries) may allow her to be helped in the future. She can't afford the house. It would be good to know how much equity is in it, as selling it and downsizing may be her best strategy. Not sure how long ago she lost her husband, maybe she's still grieving and no one can say how long that takes, but she can't stop living. As a parent, I understand how hard it is to stand by and watch her implode. I'm hoping she will call you for appropriate help when she's ready. May you have peace in your heart as you wait in standby mode.

What you’re going thru is living hell; I’m so sorry. But even normal roles reverse sometimes: you must put your wellbeing & mental health first. You must draw lines in the sand. Direct her to those agencies that can help her, let her know you want the best for her, but don’t get sucked into her internal strife. A terrible conflict for a Mom - you sound like you’re strong: STAY strong! And may Divine Providence come to the needs of you both right now!

That's fantastic you were able to move her back into her home. I our relationship started to become unhealthy and your health is a priority. Don't let her come back. Ask your son to check in on her. You can also look into a care worker for her who can come to the house for house keeping and errands. You have to maintain boundaries for your health and sanity.

Maybe it is time to put her somewhere else for mor ecare. It is not your responsibily if you don't want it. You have done ienough. Ask your son to help in that to maybe make some calls. Or have her move some place she can afford.

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I suggest that your daughter seek counseling or join a support group that can help her with her emotions and specifically anger through this challenging time for her. The group support could be best since they can provide great resources and teach her to live independently. Losing a spouse can paralyze some people because of grief and fear. She needs outside, professional support specializing in loss of spouse.
Also, you did the right thing by sending her home. You supported her and guided her through the first phase. Now she must do it! You can’t do it for her.
You can encourage, you can suggest, but she must be the one to take her first step.

You say your concern is how she can cope on her own. Not to be cruel but she better figure it out because chances are you will either die first or need care at some point. And then what? She should not depend on you. Something isn’t right if she became angry and bitter towards you. But even if she hadn’t you would do her no favors by not letting her stand on her own.
I don’t know how old her husband was but can she claim his social security if it is higher than her $2000? You might check into Section 8 housing for low income seniors. Paying nearly half for her housing is a lot. Can she be in a grief support group? Maybe ther is one online during Covid? Or she needs an antidepressant too?

You have got a taste of what it would be like if she was living with you full time. I would enquirer about getting a carer in for her. Does she not have any children herself ???? Over here in Ireland they do a thing with the bank where you can live in your house for very little mortgage until you pass away and then your house goes to the bank. I personnaly think she has to start fending for herself.

I’m terribly sorry for your loss. It sounds like your daughter is grieving too, but not doing so in a healthy way.

She could need medical help and counseling to cope with her grief and get back on her feet. If she is prescribed antidepressant medication to help with her coping, it will take 30 days to take effect.

Be there from a distance unless you can take on more. If she were to move in with you it could become permanent.

My sincere condolences for the loss of your son in law. My first question would be if life insurance contributed for a nice funeral was there any left over to pay some bills to help that $2,000 a month stretch better. No. 2, not to sound morbid but consider there should be at least 30% or better decrease in utilities and food bill. With proper planning, I believe the difference can be livable aside mortgage paid. I feel the relationship was bruised before the tragedy between you and your daughter. For her to become abusive sounds like she may have had that trait prior. In any event, you did the right thing as she being 65, you are obviously a senior yourself... We just don't have the patience for that BS as we age.

Agree with previous mentions of her returning to home & seeking help for whatever needs she now has due to the loss of her husband ( physical care, financial assist, living arrangements, etc.). Now to her other issues, she may be dealing with depression+/or anxiety. Agree with the grief support group but may need counseling also to help her think clearly about her future & how to deal with it.

She may have other health issues like dementia. She needs to be seen by a doctor.

You have an interesting dynamic here where it is almost a role reversal. Your daughter is grieving a loss and probably panicking about her own future. You are right to feel that you have a choice in this matter. I am assuming you might be 20 years her senior and you have your own responsibilities and worries. You have also assisted her in setting up her finances. That being said, your daughter is very ill and crippled and 65. As her mom, you might encourage her to investigate any and all social programs (including grief counseling) that she may qualify for. Any number of small forms of assistance can add up to a significant ease on her financial situation particularly after the $450/month stops. If, for example, she qualifies for fuel assistance, food stamps, a little in-home housekeeping or personal care, the pressure on her will feel less burdensome. If she truly can't take care of herself, then she may want to see if she qualifies through disability to live in assisted living or a group home. But you do need to protect your physical and financial health. Stay strong.

"...very ill and crippled..." What are her illnesses? What crippled her? I ask because it's important to know if she has always been crippled or if this happened later in her life.

How manageable are her illnesses? For example, if she has diabetes type 2 and is overweight then losing weight will help her control her diabetes. Just an example.

Please look into learned helplessness. She may have depended on her husband for too many things. If she got in and out of the Uber by herself, then she can function enough to maintain mobility and actively participate in life.

Encourage her to join a grief support group, see a geriatrician for a full workup, and talk to her pharmacist about her medications and unwanted side effects (confusion may not be dementia).

She is choosing to wallow in self pity. I understand that you feel for her - she's your daughter - but she is an adult and you need to treat her as one.

Sounds like your son sees things clearly. Maybe you and your son should pay her a visit at her home to see what's going on with her. I would not visit her alone given how "bitter and angry" she is with you.

Of course, you have rights. You have a home and have the right to decide who lives there and the rules of the house. May I also remind you that your daughter has her own home and resources. She is responsible for those concerns and may live as she chooses there.

If she is incompetent, then get a doctor to declare her incompetent. Before that visit, have her go see a lawyer to complete her will, powers of attorney (medical and financial), and advanced directive. I would suggest that she gives power to a younger, mentally competent family member - maybe your son.

Dear BobbieSena,
My long deceased mother was an RN and Director of Nursing for a Catholic Rehab Home for many years. My mother and stepfather were very good at teaching us the importance of personal responsibility and what our responsibilities are in life.
An abusive 65 year old child is plenty old enough to be responsible for her own behavior. No you should not put your personal safety in jeopardy by her misbehavior. Now if you feel that she is a danger to herself, perhaps you need to have her put under the supervision of a court appointed Guardian.
One of the lessons learned from my mother was our responsibility to plan for our own futures. Four years ago I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ at the age of 57. While I still had enough together mentally, with the help of Agingcare. I learned a lot of planning tips from other people that posted comments about banking, settling your legal affairs, planning for the type of funeral you may want, driving privileges.
My wife and I were beginning to put together the legal work of estate planning, medical directives, wills, DPOA, etc, about one month in to these plans, was when I received my diagnosis. We laid our legal plans to our adult children, and made sure they understood what was behind in our thinking and about how they should approach planning for their own life events.
I gave up driving privileges back in March without being told I needed to turn my license, Yes, I am dependent on help from my family, but I never put anybody in the position of being taken advantage of. They also realize they have a life of their own and the freedom to go out in to the world and stake their own claims in the world.
I also explained to my DW and children, when it is time for me to go in to MC which I believe I'm still a couple of years away from
needing, I want to be put in a place at least 100 mi from our home. I want it to be inconvenient for them to visit, so they can keep tending to their own families and that my DW can go about living her life as she wishes, as she is 8 yrs younger than me. I've also told the children, they should not interfere with mom is she decides she wants to date, or remarry. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that some of this information has been helpful.
I believe you've done all you need to for a 65 year old child.

Good Luck.

There is a beginning of this story missing here, which makes it impossible, utterly, to make any comment.
What is the matter with your daughter. I mean in a literal sense. Is she suffering from early dementia, or from some illness that is debilitating or a mental illness of some sort that is diagnosed and treated?
Did your precious son-in-law leave insurance?
If you mean "severely crippled" in the literal sense, then it is clear your daughter will need to live in care. Has she been completely in the care of the son in law throughout life? If so it is unusual that he would leave her unprovided for. You also mention her age. This means that you, yourself, are no longer young. You would be unable to remain her caregiver for any appreciable length of time.
I am so sorry for all this grief for you both.
So many questions here. Hope you can update a bit.
As to mentally, I think she is grieving, firstly. But it is crucial now that she have some autonomy, even if she must live in care.

If she can't cope on her own maybe she will have to live with you--but set firm rules and even have her sign an agreement if necessary, and definitely charge her rent. You must set limits and you MUST charge her rent. and yes she will have to help with the household chores.

If your daughter is sick to the point that SonIL was taking care of her every need, then being at a home alone is probably not where she needs to be. And financially, can she afford to maintain her home and all of her bills. If you helped her set up automatic payments, then you have some idea of what comes in (the 2K) and what goes out each month. Can she afford to live there? Her income is the same now as when you paid all her bills for 3 months, so that's why I ask if she can afford to continue living in the house.

In hind sight, the very nice funeral money may have been better spent using less for the goodbye and more towards her care, but that is water under the bridge. At your age, you may need to use your money for your own care at any time. Gifting to others will hurt your ability to apply for Medicaid should you run out of savings and need to be in a facility bed. You can be penalized for monthly facility bills equal to the amounts you give away.

It seems clear that your daughter needs assistance and needs to live where she can receive help. It might be time to sit down w/her and show money coming in versus what she owes to explain she can't manage long before she loses her one asset, the house. It might be better to sell out and use the money for assisted living housing. The alternative is that you refinance house to make payment even lower over a longer period of time while rates are low. Maybe siblings can help pay for things she cannot afford - like the house insurance or taxes.

She's going through a rough time and you've already had her removed...good your son is in the picture because I doubt she'll be helping you in the future if you need any. Sounds like you have your favorites and she is not among them; perhaps some unresolved family issues...You have a right to do whatever you wish, and it seems you've already made your decision.

So many questions and concerns, but as others have said, there are elements missing, making it hard to make suggestions beyond what you have already done.

Without being too specific, as it is none of our business, can you clarify "ill" and "crippled"? Is her bitterness and anger due to making her move back to her own home or was she behaving this way during the temporary stay with you?

If she has medical issues (ill, crippled), there are services that may be provided to help her maintain some "independence".

If her husband's income, and therefore his SS was more, she might qualify for taking widow's benefit (see https://www.aarp.org/retirement/social-security/questions-answers/social-security-spouse-dies/) If she's 65, she is not yet considered to be full retirement age, but perhaps her disabilities might come into play? No way to know unless one of you contacts SS (call a local office, not the main number.)

Given her age and yours, plus the needs and behavioral issues, taking her back into your home would probably be the wrong thing to do. If her bitterness and anger started after you sent her back home, she will need to get over it. There isn't a lot you can do to change that, other than try to be morally supportive. If it started while she was in your home, it might be part of her grief and dismay at losing her husband, esp if he was very attentive and supportive. Becoming "more helpless" and demanding, even abusive could also be part of that. Again, there isn't much you can do to change that - she needs some help with that, but she will have to seek out that help. You could provide her with information about possible services available to her for getting help, both emotionally and physically, but she is most likely going to have to work this out herself. Unless she is cognitively impaired, enough so that living alone and performing ADLs isn't possible, the best you can do is provide information and moral support. If she is still on speaking terms with your son, but not you, perhaps he can play go-between for you.

Hoping she gets the assistance she needs to be able to move forward.

She is grieving so she needs counseling if she cannot or will not move on and get to the acceptance place-- Read On Death and Dying-- Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross.
Perhaps she is experiencing an onslaught of dementia due to poor lifestyle habits and diet. Maybe the home needs to be put up for sale and get her into an assisted living while you can do it while she is more mobile and not eventually bedridden.
Get some help. And get God's Best for her and you.

Your son did you a huge favor. I’m afraid your daughter saw you as an easy mark after she had been there a couple of weeks and believe it or not, she would have taken you down. She will learn to take care of herself and be a grown up now. Sometimes, they have to be pushed out of the nest twice. Don’t allow her to ruin you. I have seen this done before. I feel bad that her husband passed but we all have to pull ourselves up by the boot straps and keep going. She also owes you, her mother, respect. Don’t forget that. Glad your son had the courage and strength to see it soon enough and get her to her own house. According to her age, you must be in your 80’s now. Time for you to have joy and peace. Wishing you the best.

I don't think you are wrong to deny your daughter permission to continue living with you; you can't afford to pay her way AND your way in life, not to mention that she was becoming too needy & abusive. Nobody should live with abuse of any kind. My question to you is this: What do you think is going on with your DD? She really may not be able to cope on her own and she may indeed need someone to take care of her ie: Assisted Living or managed care of some kind. Can you help her find a medical or psychiatric diagnosis without allowing her to move back in with you? I think she may need her mom right now in some capacity, to help her figure out what exactly is going on in her head. Is it just grief, or a combination of grief and psychiatric issues or early dementia? Duggan's recommendation is excellent to read Elisabeth Kubler-Ross; her books are a salve to a grieving soul. A book might not be enough for your DD right now, but it may give YOU some insight into what's happening.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and some prayers that your daughter gets evaluated and then gets some help.

Suggest family therapy, with a therapist who understands working with grief, with the two of you. Allowing visits would be the way to begin. You can also visit her in her residence and go out together to help her cut isolation. What used to be meaningful to her before the incident. Her stability needs to be assessed with a therapist who can help her with options. You are not equipped to deal with her alone. She is in crisis and needs to develop a support system. Letting Her just come live with you will allow her to atrophy and destroy you a little at a time.