After the tragic death of my precious son in law, I brought my very ill and crippled daughter into my home for 3 weeks. I wanted to comfort and help her temporarily. She was at first very sweet and loving though of course sad and grieving. She surprised me by how helpless and dependent and confused she was. I helped her arrange automatic deposit for her tiny 445o a month temporary income. My son in law's life insurance paid for his very nice funeral. My daughters income to my dismay totaled only $2,000 social security + the $450 for 13 months and then only $2,000. She has a mortgage payment of $910 a month. I arranged for automatic deduction of mortgage and utilities, etc. from her checking account. I, in the meantime paid her mortgage, utilities, and groceries for 3 months. My income is only $3100 a month so I could not continue that. She began to gradually become more and more helpless and yet demanding and even very abusive. My son called uber and had her removed from my home and transported back to her own home. All her deposits and payments are automatic now. I will not allow her back into my home. However, I am concerned she cannot cope on her own. She is very bitter and angry with me.

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You have been shown what the future would be if you allowed daughter move in. SIL must have done everything since it seems she has no idea how to handle money.

It always surprised me that people have mortgages at 65 and older. Has your daughter checked to see if husband paid for Mortgage insurance? This would pay the balance of the mortgage off. Then the question is, can she afford to keep it up. Hopefully, she has some equity in the home and selling it she would make some profit. She could then find a 55 and up apartment. They are usually handicapped accessable. Some have activities. Common areas to meet other people. She needs to make a life for herself.

Your County Office of Aging should be able to help her with resources. Maybe even someone to help her learn to budget. Your County probably has a Disabilities Dept. She may get help there. There is help with utilities.

I am assuming you are in your mid 80s. Seem to be an independent person and can still do for yourself. But none of us knows when it will be our time. Your daughter needs to do for herself now. She can't be allowed to rely on others. We really don't help people by doing everything for them.

I had a friend who she and her hubby have passed. Nice people but they never taught their girls how to be independent. Which surprised me, because GF was a juvenile diabetic and had always had health problems. I would have thought the girls would have been taught to help more. But Mom felt she could do it all. This was OK till she turned 50 and had a massive heart attack and it was downhill from there. Well, neither girl has done all that well. The one actually lost the parents home. So she did her girls no favors. Do your daughter a favor and show her how to be independent. 😊
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Mysteryshopper Jun 2020
One addition to your comment on Mortgage Insurance. Sometimes, those policies don't pay off the balance of the loan. Sometimes the policy only makes the monthly payment for a specified time period and under certain conditions. It depends on what type of policy was signed and paid for. I agree we don't even know if there is a policy like that in play here, but if it's determined that there is one, it may or may not be the goldmine that she thinks it is. Based on what OP provided here, I highly doubt if she can truly keep the house anyway.
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She may need some grief counseling to learn to live on her own and manage her home. Is she physically capable of taking care of herself? She's young for assisted living, but I have seen several people her age or even younger needing care facilities. If you feel she may not be capable of managing, you and your son could look into care facilities. But of course you are correct to not have her in your care any longer.
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Oh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your SIL, and for what is happening in your family. I do agree she should not live with you, but please do not pay for her expenses. You may be propping up something that is a financial dead end. Without her husband, who will maintain the home? Pay the property taxes? Make repairs? It would be good if she could (at some point) see the wisdom in transitioning to IL in a care community that has continuity of care (from IL to AL to LTC to MC to hospice). Who is her PoA? You may need to consider that she may have a UTI (which causes cognitive and behavioral symptoms) or she has early onset ALZ or has some mental illness/depression. I realize you can't help someone who won't help themselves, but maintaining a thread of a relationship (with healthy boundaries) may allow her to be helped in the future. She can't afford the house. It would be good to know how much equity is in it, as selling it and downsizing may be her best strategy. Not sure how long ago she lost her husband, maybe she's still grieving and no one can say how long that takes, but she can't stop living. As a parent, I understand how hard it is to stand by and watch her implode. I'm hoping she will call you for appropriate help when she's ready. May you have peace in your heart as you wait in standby mode.
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You are correct in keeping her out of your home.

I am sorry that she is being angry and bitter towards you, people that don't do anything productive seem to be like that no matter what you do for them.

Just love her and pray that she starts taking responsibility for herself, that is the only way her problems will ever get solved, not by tearing you apart.
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Dear BobbieSena,
My long deceased mother was an RN and Director of Nursing for a Catholic Rehab Home for many years. My mother and stepfather were very good at teaching us the importance of personal responsibility and what our responsibilities are in life.
An abusive 65 year old child is plenty old enough to be responsible for her own behavior. No you should not put your personal safety in jeopardy by her misbehavior. Now if you feel that she is a danger to herself, perhaps you need to have her put under the supervision of a court appointed Guardian.
One of the lessons learned from my mother was our responsibility to plan for our own futures. Four years ago I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ at the age of 57. While I still had enough together mentally, with the help of Agingcare. I learned a lot of planning tips from other people that posted comments about banking, settling your legal affairs, planning for the type of funeral you may want, driving privileges.
My wife and I were beginning to put together the legal work of estate planning, medical directives, wills, DPOA, etc, about one month in to these plans, was when I received my diagnosis. We laid our legal plans to our adult children, and made sure they understood what was behind in our thinking and about how they should approach planning for their own life events.
I gave up driving privileges back in March without being told I needed to turn my license, Yes, I am dependent on help from my family, but I never put anybody in the position of being taken advantage of. They also realize they have a life of their own and the freedom to go out in to the world and stake their own claims in the world.
I also explained to my DW and children, when it is time for me to go in to MC which I believe I'm still a couple of years away from
needing, I want to be put in a place at least 100 mi from our home. I want it to be inconvenient for them to visit, so they can keep tending to their own families and that my DW can go about living her life as she wishes, as she is 8 yrs younger than me. I've also told the children, they should not interfere with mom is she decides she wants to date, or remarry. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that some of this information has been helpful.
I believe you've done all you need to for a 65 year old child.

Good Luck.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2020
Hi John. Good to hear from you.

You have such a blessed attitude and spirit. You are a pleasure.
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My gosh, this is the exact opposite of what we usually see here. It's usually the child dealing with the parent not wanting to move out.

And your daughter is seems like it wouldn't be realistic for you to continue to take care of her.
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She's 65, it's about time she learns to live on her own - in the long term it is better for both of you.
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You say your concern is how she can cope on her own. Not to be cruel but she better figure it out because chances are you will either die first or need care at some point. And then what? She should not depend on you. Something isn’t right if she became angry and bitter towards you. But even if she hadn’t you would do her no favors by not letting her stand on her own.
I don’t know how old her husband was but can she claim his social security if it is higher than her $2000? You might check into Section 8 housing for low income seniors. Paying nearly half for her housing is a lot. Can she be in a grief support group? Maybe ther is one online during Covid? Or she needs an antidepressant too?
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You have got a taste of what it would be like if she was living with you full time. I would enquirer about getting a carer in for her. Does she not have any children herself ???? Over here in Ireland they do a thing with the bank where you can live in your house for very little mortgage until you pass away and then your house goes to the bank. I personnaly think she has to start fending for herself.
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There is a beginning of this story missing here, which makes it impossible, utterly, to make any comment.
What is the matter with your daughter. I mean in a literal sense. Is she suffering from early dementia, or from some illness that is debilitating or a mental illness of some sort that is diagnosed and treated?
Did your precious son-in-law leave insurance?
If you mean "severely crippled" in the literal sense, then it is clear your daughter will need to live in care. Has she been completely in the care of the son in law throughout life? If so it is unusual that he would leave her unprovided for. You also mention her age. This means that you, yourself, are no longer young. You would be unable to remain her caregiver for any appreciable length of time.
I am so sorry for all this grief for you both.
So many questions here. Hope you can update a bit.
As to mentally, I think she is grieving, firstly. But it is crucial now that she have some autonomy, even if she must live in care.
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