Am I terrible for not wanting to see my father in his last days?

Here is my take - having gone through the same. You love your father and you will always remember the good times. Now he is going and it is nearly impossible to see him as he is now. At this time, you must put YOUR feelings aside. Assuming he is still aware of what is going on around him, the greatest love and thanks you could give him is to be there for him. It is heartbreaking but it would be worse for him if you were not with him. When we finally leave we want our loved ones nearby. It is not easy but given time and the good relationship you apparently had, time heals a lot and eventually the good memories will shine through all of them. Please, if you can, be with him or you may regret it later once he is gone. I know (I went through something like this years ago and was never able to forgive myself NOT being present in the final moments).

A few questions may help you clarify what is "best" for you:

Is dad "with it" - that he knows who is with him and who isn't?
If he is aware, then seeing him is to affirm the love and relationship you have now, not his inevitable death.

Can you afford to take the time off?
If your finances are tight or other obligations make it too difficult to go to him, consider other ways of "visiting": phone calls, video chats...

What is "helpful and/or kind" for dad and his wife?
Being "the better person" is always about meeting needs of others. What is most helpful for each of them? Sometimes, it is your presence and other times it might be more practical "gifts:" a delivered meal, cleaning the house, buying groceries...

To me, it doesn’t matter that YOU don’t want to remember him in his failing physical state. What matters is that you are there for him. How would you like it if people abandoned you when you were sick and ready to die? I would much rather remember for the rest of my life that I had supported and comforted my father during his last days. (Just being there will be “comfort.” Don’t think you necessarily have to say anything in particular to comfort him.) Do whatever you have to do to go. You will be soooo sorry if you don’t.

Excuse my earlier typo. I did not catch it, but, of course, I meant "What would your father like" (not "gather!" )

You can do this. You can tell your father you love him and thank him for doing a good job of raising and protecting his family.

It would be nice for your father if your brother could also get over his fear, but you can only deal with your own actions. This is a sad and uncomfortable time, but it is part of growing up, no matter what our age.

No, you're not terrible, however, I'll bet if you don't go years from now you'll have regret and sadness you didn't spend more time and consider that I bet he'd give anything to see you. I really think you should go say goodbye and tell him how much you love him. DO it now and don't wait time is precious.

Go. Spend as much time with him as you can. There is nothing for loving than the closeness you will have with him in those last days.
I helped my mother take care of my father the last year of his life. I was always a daddy’s girl and at first I stayed away. I was angry. Angry and afraid. Once gone I would have no family left ( my mother and I never got along. Out of my 56 years on earth my mother and I only spoke for maybe 20 of it). I selfishly knew he would not pass without me therefor I took myself out of the equation. After receiving a call that he was in his last days I went to be with him. I stayed by his side for the next 5 months. I won’t lie- it was very very hard to watch him fade in front of me and I was still angry but the moments we shared were the best. I was there when he took his last breath. Just as he was when I took my first. I didn’t think I would be able to honor his DNR but I did. I believe that the only thing that made his transition easier was that I was there with him and he knew I would take care of my mother like I promised.
For me it was a privilege to be by his side in his final moments.
if you do not find a way to make this process a good one for both you and your father you will not have good memories because you will feel guilty about not being there. I’m sure in your life your father has gone through a few uncomfortable things with you out of love.
I know some about the regret of not being there because I also lost my mother to Covid in January. Exactly 1 year after loosing my father. As usual my mother and I weren’t speaking and she was hospitalized. She would not let them call me. But when it was time to pull the plug they called me for permission. It was very traumatic for me to learn that my mother was not going to live and I was the one who had to do it. For 30 years we did not speak ( off and on) and I have had more panic attacks wanting to call her than I ever believed I would.
ultimately it is your decision. Just know you have to live with that regret that you will never have the chance to fix. You may hate seeing your father so sick but you won’t ever hate yourself for not seeing him. That’s just my opinion

You are not "terrible" but I would think long and hard about it and also talk more about it with your brother. This is about fear and your discomfort with the sadness and not really about the memories of how he used to be. You'll still have those memories along with the memory that you did everything you could to support him and your step mother.

I lost my mom in my early 20's and I didn't do a whole lot to help her or be there for her... Yes, I visited her in her last days at the hospital but I happened to be out of the room when she died. My sister has that memory of being with her but I do not. Somehow I think fate or God meant for me to not be in the room but I'm glad she wasn't alone... although she was in a coma so probably it didn't matter.

Whatever you decide, be sure you do enough so that you have no regrets. And remember this is about your whole family holding each other up through it... including your step mother. You don't get a "do over" for this, so do your best.

I don't think ur terrible. Ur honest about your challenges, worries, fears, and that only happens in courageous, strong, good ppl. If you go, it will be a gift to your dad. Maybe the last thing you do for him(😓ouch, im sorry), and it may turn out to be a kindness to yourself. I've never heard anyone say that they wish they didn't remember someone that way,but I have heard lots of ppl express what u feel now. I did. You will make the right choice for ur situation. Be at peace with your loving, good self. I'm sorry this is. (((Take care)))

I lost my mother a year ago this past March. I couldn’t imagine not being there with her. I held her hand and felt her fleeting pulse beat until it was gone and she took her last feeble breath. I’m so very thankful for those last few weeks I spent by her bedside. I’ve witnessed loved ones holding on waiting for a specific someone to say goodbye. Trust me. Go. Spend what little time he has left sharing memories, talking to him, reading to him, etc. Your love for your father is greater than your fear or aversion to seeing him suffer. Praying God will give you the strength you need. 🙏

Barbara Karnes RN. “Gone from my sight” booklet. Many more.
Unfortunately our society has done little to help us experience and understand end of life. It’s a precious time for the dying and the living.

This one really sits on you, hard. Most people have aversion to seeing beloved ones in misery, and, in my opinion, also talks of personal strength of character. I know from first my own experience of dealing with cancer, how quickly some people disappeared in fast abandonment, and who showed up true blue. The wife that is a nurse , has a stressful and difficult situation and could use unconditional support. Just because she's a nurse, doesn't mean she isn't a human under major stress with a dying husband. Your position of "wanting to remember him" on your terms, is selfish... and since you are responsible for yourself and your well being, the choice is yours, and yours to live with for the rest of your life. And, you can feel good that you did step up to the plate when he was recovering from surgery. May you make a decision that will allow you a clear conscience and loving memories.

Go see him, the good memories will replace the bad and it will bring him comfort to see you there.

What would your gather like? You might not like seeing your father in these last days, but these memories will fade in favor of happier memories.
If you can gear up for a final visit, it will meaningful for your father and you will be glad you did it.

Just an opinion so you do what you need to do. If it were me, I would suck up my discomfort and fear of seeing him in discomfort and go. Life is not pretty and, unfortunately neither is death. You don't have to be there at the moment of his death but a goodbye will help you and him.

Maybe it’s worth thinking more about the fear you have in seeing him. Do you think you cannot bear it? It will be painful and sorrowful but you (we) are stronger than that. Pain and sorrow are part of life, and loss is the payment for love. Not just for your father’s sake, but for your sake - consider not running away from what you fear but accept it as a natural part of living, of being human.

Sounds like you really love your dad. So sorry this is happening to you. GO..... see your father. Hold his hand, kiss his forehead, whisper in his ear. This isn't about you and how u want to remember...it's about him. I was there with my sister every single day at the end as she lay dying from cancer and when she took her last breath. Its the toughest and most loving thing someone can do for another. I felt that her children who weren't there were being selfish. Also...I'm sure his wife would appreciate your support at this time also. Go see your father.

My last in-person visit with my father was in February 2020. Then we had Covid and everything shut down with no visits. In May he fell and had to go to rehab but due to Covid, not his usual one. While in Rehab I did do a Skype visit with him but he really didn't understand that it was me live, he thought it was a picture of me. Then he caught Covid in rehab. It caused him to have a heart attack and he was moved to long-term care. For the most part, he was unresponsive. I did another Skype visit with him. If someone yelled his name loud enough he would briefly open his eyes. They did offer to allow me an in-person visit but I didn't see the point. He really wouldn't know I was there and I would be exposing myself to Covid despite using protective gear. I didn't want to risk bringing that back home to my husband and I would have had to quarantine from work and I didn't have the type of job I could just walk away from. And as the OP said, it is hard to see someone who was so full of life looking like this now.

I may have a little regret for not going in person but then I realize he would have not known I was even there. I can live with my decision.

I can tell you it is not easy to sit there and watch someone die.

If they were loving towards you though it is one of the most loving things you can do. Take old photo's and reminisce with him.

The most pitiful experience is to die alone.

Then you will go home and cry your eyes out.

In the long run however you will be glad you did.

I still am after many decades.

On the opposite side of the coin there are those who just cannot do it. They cannot even visit someone when they are sick. It is too upsetting for them to experience.

I am praying for you to make the right choice. If you decide to visit him let me know and if you need a shoulder to cry on I am here for you.

Who better to sit and listen to you and offer advice then someone who has walked that trail many times before.

For me it was made even more difficult because when I turned a teenager someone close to me died each year until I was nineteen. So I had to go through puberty, go through watching my a different loved one die every year, move off of the farm to the city with no friends and my dad became a Jehovahs Witness so they were trying to brain wash me into joining their cult.

I am praying for you.

Yes. This is not about you. It is about your father. There should be no question, your father needs you more than ever. It is too bad you find this uncomfortable to be around your father because he is dying. Some day you will be dying. How would you feel if you were ignored by your loved ones. Love is NOT conditional. Actually reading your question brings sadness to my eyes for your father. Put aside your need to protect yourself emotionally or whatever, and think about your father's needs especially in his last, painful days. I would imagine also you will not be attending his funeral since you would not want to remember him this way also. I pray God will change your heart. You really don't need confirmation not to see your father in order to justify your feelings. Right now you should be feeling an overwhelming need to be with your dying father. I guess I am being passionate about my answer because there is no way on God's green earth, anything would keep me away from my dying parents or loved ones.

I truly believe this is a decision only you can make. You know the weight of the options in your own family. Being with my parents in their last moments was right for me (and for them), and I will never forget it nor regret it. Trust your instincts. Wishing you peace.

You will remember him as he was through pictures and stories and rather than thinking of him this way. I smile when I think of my Dad and almost never think of what he looked like in his dying days. My opinion is than you may be afraid of the grief seeing him this way brings but this won’t remain the only memory. I also think you will seriously regret not saying goodbye.

This is obviously a very personal decision, and I wouldn't presume to tell anyone else what to do. I can tell you, though, that I was at my father's side when he passed away last year, and hard as it was, I haven't regretted it at all. In fact, looking back, my main emotion is gratitude that I could be there for him, for my mom and for myself. I certainly have memories of the day he died, but because of the way it played out -- he was lucid till the end, and able to tell us that he loved us -- the memories are more of the emotions of the day as opposed to actual images of his final moments. And those are very much balanced out by years of other memories of my dad being ... well, my dad. Being there felt like closure to me, a way to give back to him for all the years he gave to me, and it's helped me through the grief. But I know it's a tough decision, and you're the expert on what's best for you and your family. Please take care of yourself and do what's best for you.

My mother died in unpleasant circumstances and I found her body. That image is burned into my brain and makes me grimace every time I think of it. My FIL died of cancer and I saw him in his last days, it was awful and it's also how I remember him, despite how lovely he was as a person. Whilst it was a chance for us to say goodbye, I wished I hadn't gone because that is now my strongest memory of him. I wished that I had only spoken to him instead of seeing him. I *didn't* see my father when he was dying as I knew that would give me another unpleasant mental image to carry, and I do not regret that decision. But, I should add that my father and I didn't have a close relationship, so that was probably a factor which made the decision easier. It is not true or fair to state that you will automatically regret not being there at the end, because it depends on many factors including your own personality (how well you handle the unavoidable consequences of hard decisions), the nature of the relationship you've had with that person, and the circumstances surrounding their death.

I understand how you feel. I thought I wouldn't be able to be with my mom when she passed because I was so close to her, and I was her caregiver for the last 8 years. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally. But when the time was getting close last April, my sister and I decided to send her to the hospice house from the hospital. She was suffering with pain and gasping for breath. I stayed away the first night and then the nurse called me the next day and said she didn't think my mom would make it through the next few hours. I pushed my fears aside and I told my daughter to meet me there at the hospice house (she's 24). When we arrived i realized this is where I needed to be. Yes my mom looked very sick, but she was still my mom and I didn't want her to be scared. My sister and her daughter and me and my daughter all stayed with her for several hours. We held her hand and washed her face and arms in warm lavender water. I played her favorite love songs and told her I loved her. We told her we would be ok and that it was ok for her to go. She took her last breath at 6:07 pm on April 15th 2021. I'm so thankful I put aside my worries and thought about how she felt instead. I would have regretted not going forever.

Would he like to see you? And would his wife need help and support?

My father died of Pancreatic cancer at age 68. From the diagnosis to his death was only 6 weeks.  My mother didn’t drive and the cancer prevented Dad from driving. I drove 200 miles each way two or three times a week to help my parents, and drive Dad the 150-mile round trip to his oncologist.  Being able to spend those final weeks with him was precious to me, and I’m sure it was a special for him too. Though he had lost a lot of weight, he was still the same man who raised me, and we were able to have last conversations, hugs and smiles. I have no regrets.
My sister lived further away, but had made plans to fly in. Unfortunately, she arrived about an hour after he died. She has regrets that she missed out sharing some final moments with him. 
I remember Dad all the years before his illness. When I look at the old photos, I don’t think of him when he was dying but of when he was living. As a parent myself, I would be terribly hurt if my daughters refused to visit me in my last days because they didn’t want to remember me that way.
Everyone is different, and I suppose it would depend on how close you are with your Dad. If you don’t care about his feelings then stay away, but I think you will regret that. Wishing you and your family best wishes during this difficult time.

The question should be What does your father want? You have a lifetime of memories with your dad and this will only be one of them . . . whether you go see him or not.

If you do decide to visit, it might be helpful to focus on little things you can do for him or his caretakers that will be helpful. I focus on my mother’s supplies, and make sure her room is tidy and clean. I ask staff if there is anything that they need for her care. I keep moving so I don’t sink.

PUT yourself in his shoes, would you want your child to come and visit you if you were dying?
I think at this times, you should do whatever is best for your Dad, to make his passing as easy as possible.
I also think it's a selfish cop out fir your brother to not go and see his dad by saying I'd rather remember him the way he was.
How would either of ya'll like it if the situation wreversed and it was you dying and your Dad just blew you off saying oh, I'd rather just remember how they were.
You would feel Awful and Sad.
Of course, if asked, your Dad would probably say oh honey, I understand.

Understand this, if you love him like you say you do,, you'll forget about your own feelings and go see your dying father, he may look different on the outside,, but his feelings on the inside is the same..

You will regret it fir ever if you make that easy way out selfish decision to not go and say your last good bye.

You should tell your brother the same thing.

One last thing, if you and your brother don't go see your dying father, Don't Bother To Go To His Funeral!

Going to his funeral would just be for show tho ya'll will say out of Respect but it's more to make yourself feel better and for closure.

You didn't show either Respect or Closure to your Dad if all you did was stay away and not see him in the end of his life.

Praters you and your brother both make the right decision fir your Dad, Not for yourself.

You won't "remember" him this way after it's over. You will remember all of your time together. This part of his journey should also be filled with those who love him. On the balance, wouldn't you regret NOT being there over being there?