Am I terrible for not wanting to see my father in his last days?

Sorry for your loss, glad you were able to help out, during the move to North Carolina.
That mattered and saying goodbye over the phone was perfectly fine.
Hugs to you and may peace of mind restore your spirit~

Thank you for your responses. Dad passed on Sunday. In the arms of his wife. I made my choice and did not go. I may not have made it in time anyway. But I did say goodbye to him on the phone. If I had gone he probably wouldn't have known I was there. I only chose the moment I did to say goodbye because he was semi lucid. He couldn't talk, but he could hear me. He moaned at every comment I made. And I am pretty sure he was trying to tell me he loved me. And in the end, I have no regrets. Me not being there for his final breath does not make me love him any less. And I know he knows that.

I don’t know if I would want people to see me die. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love my family. I love them dearly. I absolutely do not want a wake. I have never liked viewing a deceased person, no matter who they were. I avoided it like the plague.

I attend funerals out of respect and to comfort family members but I do not wish to remember anyone dead in a casket. I realize this is very personal and that everyone feels differently.

I also feel it is a huge waste of money. I would rather the money to be spent elsewhere, such as donations for medical research. That would be meaningful to me. Having a wake means nothing to me. I am definitely going to be cremated.

I live in an elderly home and will spend time with someone who is dying if they want company. I find it sad that even people who were very popular have friends that disappear toward the end. Of course it is easier for me because they are not my father or mother. I think it is a beautiful thing to do as they are still part of the community. Sometimes their family who can't always be there have thanked me because they knew it made their loved one feel better. I don't go to funerals so much and I would rather hold someone's hand as they depart than see anyone lying in a coffin. They don't look like themselves usually. I don't want anyone looking at me when I'm dead and I don't want any funeral. I'd rather they had a party because I'd like to see them happy. Or I will leave money to my children and grandchildren to go to Disney World in memory of me. I don't care if anyone is with me at the end and I wouldn't want to see anyone sad about my departure.
One more thing for you- what about his wife? Could you be of help or comfort to her? That might be nice. If you can be with him he can feel the love you have for him and if anything has been left unsaid that would be the time.
I am sad that in this day and age people are so uncomfortable with death and don't want to be near the dying and yet they will go to the funeral afterwards. Of course it is okay to cry and mourn afterwards as much as you need to because you will miss him in your life. If you can be there at the end be cheerful and talk about the good memories you have and how glad you got him for your father.

We are taught that their spirit, or soul, lingers with the body for three days before "ascending." Your spirit and his can be near each other if you are there when he passes. And you can remember the good parts of your relationship--the special moments--and thank him for those and for the care he had in raising you. It doesn't matter what he physically looks like when he passes, it's the soul that is important.

This is something you are really going to have to think about. Is there any reason why you would feel guilty if you don't go? How was your relationship with him before this? If you have told him how much you love him and he knows, that is what counts. Don't let anyone tell you that you should feel guilty. Would it be less painful for you to call him on the phone?

I just want to share this with you: I was a total "daddy's girl" I loved my dad so much that I am still grieving after 10 1/2 years. My father was buried in Los Angeles and I live in Las Vegas. I arranged his funeral, but I did not attend. I have no guilt and no bad feelings about not attending. I knew if I went I would be seriously messed up for the rest of my life. The last thing I wanted to see was my father being buried. This was my own decision and I know that it was the right one.

I hope you find peace.

That is a tough question. To see him might give him. A bit of cheer. Have you called your step wife to see what she thinks. Also you need to think about how you would feel if something happenedwithout seeing him. You can call the nurses that care for him to.

I speak from experience. It is very likely you will regret it if you don't go, and that may be very hurtful, especially as you get older yourself. Try. Death is part of life.

This is so hard and such a personal choice.
I was so young when my Dad passed (only 19). Far too immature to grasp that I would actually lose him. I do regret that I did not make it in time to be with him - hold his hands and just let him know how much I loved him. That was 30 years ago.
But with that said - everyone has their own way on what is the best way to say goodbye. If you think being with your dad is something that is important to him and will make his last days or moments more peaceful - then consider what you can bring to those moments. Goodbyes and grief are hard - but I know I want to be surrounded by those whom I love the most - more so because I think I want my loved ones to have each other to grieve with - comfort each other and hopefully even laugh together while sharing amazing memories.
Whatever you choose will be difficult - I wish you peace of finding what is best for yourself 🙏🏼

thats a tough decision. i was told one time that when you see someone at a funeral that is how you will always remember them.......not necessarily so. How does your stepmother feel about you maybe not wanting to be there? however, does she have a support system when the time comes when he passes? how will she be, will she feel abandoned by his family? Not saying that your feelings don't count, but I would rather see someone while they are still living (maybe not look or be the same before the disease took over), but at least "they" know you are there with them and the won't feel alone. I would ask God or whomever you believe in for guidance to help you thru this process, but don't wait too long to make the decision on something you might regret........you can talk to someone while they are living and in a coma or whatever, but they won't hear you once they are gone. wishing you luck.

First, I’m sorry to hear about dad and will pray for you and your family.

Pixar’s Inside Out is about emotions and our reactions to them or in this case, a child named Riley. Joy is the highlighted emotion. She really wants Riley to be happy all the time. Joy never wants Sadness to interfere in anyway. But Joy is missing the big picture.

We experience sadness so we can appreciate the happy memories more. In the end when Riley admitted moving was a hardship her parents embraced her with love.

Go to your dad and embrace him with your love. This is your chance one last time to give him your unconditional love. Though this is a sad time your sadness will hopefully help you appreciate the joy in your memories.

I wish you well in your decision. It’s a personal one but you know in your heart what you need to do.

This is a very personal decision. Your father knows that you love him. You have been with him throughout your life and when he and your stepmom needed you the most.

I love that you aren’t judging your brother for how he feels. He certainly isn’t the first person to feel this way, nor are you. Many people have felt like you do and I applaud you for being honest about your feelings.

There are hospice nurses who see this situation all the time and I have always heard them say that it is truly a personal choice and that no one should be unfairly judged if they can’t or don’t wish to be there at the very end.

I did more for my parents than any of my siblings. Mom lived with us for 15 years after my father died. I took care of daddy before he died. I was with both of them for countless hours. Was I there at their precise moment of death? No, I wasn’t. Do I agonize over it or regret it? Absolutely not. I will be honest, like you, I did not want to see my parents die. I loved them very much. I know that you love your dad. This has nothing to do with a lack of love. It does not mean that you are selfish either, so please do what is best for you. Your dad is well aware of your love. Remember him as you choose to.

For people who wish to be there at the end, I support them as well. I have one brother who was with my dad at the end. I have one brother who was with my mom, my other brother did not wish to be there. I was the very last person to see my oldest brother in hospice before he died. He died the second that I walked out of the room. My brother’s hospice nurse told me that some people want to die alone and others want someone with them. Plus, none of us know what the exact time of death. If a patient wants someone to be with them, then a nurse or caregiver will be right there at their side. They will also call clergy if he desires.

I wish you peace as you face the loss of your precious father. Take care.

This is about your dad not you. Unless he told you specifically not to come to his deathbed I think he might appreciate you being there to help him move to the next level. I am sure you will not like the physical being you see but, as time goes on after he leaves, you will only remember the strong loving parent he always was. I think you will regret not being there. In any event it is your decision and I wish you well.

If possible, at least go to see him one more time. You don't have to stay for his passing (unless it just happens to coincide with your last trip there.) I should think it would be a comfort to him to have you see him one last time. Say all you need to say or just hold on while you are there.

It would also possibly be a comfort for his wife to have you there. If she has family in NC, then she won't be alone, but if she doesn't and they just moved there, she will have no one.

One thing I could agree with my mother on was having a wake. THAT isn't how I want to remember someone. Mom would say if someone can't come see me when I'm alive, don't bother when I'm dead!

Sadly no one suggested going to the funerals for my grandmother's, only the wakes. I made it as far as the parking lot for dad's mother. I made it into the building for my mother's mother. She had lived with us part time and we shared some good times - that's how I wanted to remember her (and I still do), but I did glimpse her in the coffin passing by the room. UGH. My cousins were sitting where I sat down and said "Didn't she look good?" Double UGH! My thoughts were no, didn't she look dead. I wish I hadn't had that glimpse! But, if I could've shared one last visit with her before she passed, that would've been okay with me.

Sadly this virus robbed me of any "quality" visits with mom. I tried once with an outside visit, but it was hot (they had canopies set up), and we had to stay 6' apart with masks on. I don't know if she knew it was me, with the mask (eyesight not the greatest) and her hearing was shot, so.... I tried again when they set up a space for indoor visits, but it was after her first stroke, and still with the 6' apart and masks. I still wish I'd taken the mask down and got closer to her. Prior to that visit, a staff member took a pic of me when I dropped off supplies and showed mom. She wanted to know why I wouldn't come in. :-( I was allowed to be with her after the second stroke. She wasn't talking, but seemed to be pleased to see me (I did pull the mask down) - not sure who she thought I was, but I was there. YB came later and stayed overnight. I came back when he went home and was with her at the end. Other than my first visit with her, she was pretty much out of it, sleeping. Hopefully she knew I was there.

The final decision is really up to you. I do understand not wanting to remember him the way he might be now, but does that outweigh any regret you might have in not being there for him? If you think it would be a comfort for him to see you, it might be worth going, to be there before he passes. You won't get another chance at it. It is a hard decision, but I would lean towards giving him one last chance to see YOU and have reassurance from you that all will be okay.

I’m sorry you and your dad are going through this, such a tough road. I lost me dad last summer and though it was beyond hard I’m so glad I got to spend time with him during the dying process. I have no regrets that I was there and can’t imagine that you would. Sometimes what we do for others has hidden blessing for us as well

There was once a Jack Lemon movie in which he played an elderly man who was getting slower and frailer. When a younger relative expressed impatience with something Lemon's character was slow to do, Jack Lemon patiently said, "It's not a crime to grow old."

I often think of that line when someone who is frail or sick is unable to do something. Or, in your father's case, someone who is phasing out of this life. He should not be punished or rejected for being ill. You sound like you love him a lot, so try to accept his condition as he is at the end. These memories will not block out your lifetime of happier times and images of your father.

This isn’t about you, but if you go it will be the best thing for you in the end.

Get on that plane and get there to support your dad, his wife, and anyone else who is there. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a good relationship. This is your last chance to be there for him, forever.

If you don’t go, regret will tear you apart.

Imho, that is a very personal decision. As I am not you, I cannot tell you whether you should go to see him or not. Best of luck. Pancreatic cancer is a horrid disease.

While I would never deem tell you what to do, if it were me, I'd go.
Take yourself out of the equation: what would bless your Dad the most?
I know if I was transitioning, I think I'd love to feel the loving hand & presence of a loved one holding mine & encouraging me as I go.

Whatever "shell" of the person you're seeing, know that really isn't him at all.

We are way more than our shell.

Years ago, when attending my sister's funeral in another state (we had not seen her for a while), I almost freaked out at the thought of seeing her in the casket. Never had a panic attack, but I imagine I was close.
My brother took me aside and said, "You know, that really isn't our sister."
Meaning, she is Infinitesimally WAY more than the physical picture I may see.
Well, of COURSE she was! We all are!
That instantly snapped me out of my mesmerism, and I was able to continue.

Hope this helps!

Sometimes we just want those last memories of a loved one to be the best ones, not ones with suffering, pain, or agony. Perhaps you can do phone calls with him to prevent having to see him at his worst.

see your father- this is about him and you don't want him to think he was deserted at the end. You will feel better in the long rum. Also let him know how you feel about him and your times together. Hearing is the last thing to go and he will hear you,

This is a very personal decision. I can tell you that I bore my dad a lot of resentment. I cared for him before he passed and I feel like it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

You've been there for his appointments and care. He trusts you. You would give him great comfort. He will be on palliative care and medicated to manage his pain.

I suspect that you fear dying as many of us do. But death is a part of life as much as being born. The comfort your presence gives him during his transition to whatever is next is like the comfort one gives a newborn transitioning into this physical life. Love him enough to not be afraid. His wife is a nurse so managing the physical aspects will be lovingly monitored.

I found being present for my father's death transformative. It actually made me less fearful.

Blessons. No matter what you choose, you have already done well for your father.

I didn’t want to see my father go through his suffering and wasting away either but since my mother is late 90’s and my only sibling had little contact, my choice was to be his home caretaker until his final moments alive. There was little outside help, I had no experience at the time; I had a year being vigilant 24/7 hours, little sleep and it nearly killed me. Yes, I would do it all over again ( I am doing it again right now with my mother). Now, I do have more outside help during the day so I can get a chance to get more rest
Currently I still am on call more than half of each 24 hour day. I would feel very guilty if I did not give this constant help as it is something that I feel I must do for them by being there for them. Yes, they they look very different and not in a good way at all. This is freakin life, step up to the plate and start swinging. You cannot stick your head in the sand and pretend the situation doesn’t exist. Put yourself mentally in your fathers shoes for a moment ( there is a fair chance you may be in them someday yourself)-he is suffering, maybe scared, knows he will die…if you can be present at the end stages and through the end of life, it will help him so much to get through his final weeks and days. I’m not talking about a quick visit. Put your life on the back burner and donut for him and your mom. How terrible to be dying or diseased and your children avoid or abandon you. I realize it is extremely unpleasant for you but he really needs you now more than any other time of his life. It will help you as well in many ways you cannot envision right now. Take charge of this event and be there for him. In addition, You may have the opportunity to help him by being his advocate for additional pain relief meds if you see he goes through any horrendous pain when the professionals don’t realize it if it comes on fast. Please help him, his time of need is now.

I was able to do a window visit at Hospice with my dad… it was hard to talk to him through a window, but I know he heard me. I still cherish this opportunity. He died 24 hours later.

Love sees and remembers those times you hold dear to your heart. In time, all those wonderful memories flood back. I know as a parent, I would be devastated if you hadn't come.

I live 1500 miles from my brother who is in hospice. The nurses have told me they would notify me of changes that he is getting closer to dying so I can get there before he passes. One caveat though is that younger patients (my brother is 65) can suddenly pass with little lingering. I hope that doesn’t happen as I have every intention of being with my niece when he passes. One of the greatest fears about death for some people is that of dying alone.

When I worked as a CNA on an oncology unit I was around dying patients. I came to see death as a sacred moment, and I don’t want to miss this with my brother.

Some family members envision a sort of kumbaya experience where everyone in the family comes together when a LO dies, but it’s an expectation that needs to be released. Some people can’t bring themselves to be there. Ultimately it’s about the LO dying, not one’s personal fears. Not saying it’s easy …

You will remember him from his lifetime with you not the final days. Be with him to help him leave. He may not be with it for a long spell, but many people have clarity at the end. Be there for him. Your step mother has no choice in the matter. I'm sure she doesn't like seeing him this way either. No one wants to Be there for her, too.

My youngest brother passed last July. It was the 2nd hardest thing I ever did - hold his hand as he slipped away from me. I remember that time with each detail, however I also remember how close we were. The first hardest, was telling my dad it was ok to let go well over 40 years ago. It was more important to me that both of them knew I was with them at the end.

I saw my dad the day before he died from cancer. He was very thin and looked nothing like my dad. He died while I was at work, so I wasn't with him at the time of death. But, I don't remember him as he was the day before he died. I remember him as the healthy, funny, smart man he was before he got sick. I hope this helps you.

And when my mother was dying, I spent every moment with her but at the end she was in the hospital and I was on my way to see her. Moments before I took the elevator, she passed away - this horror and hurt will never leave me - I wasn't there when she really needed me - at the end. God forgive me.