Am I terrible for not wanting to see my father in his last days?

If you care enough to ask then you're not terrible.

Stay strong.

Only you can make that hard choice. What are his wishes? That might help you decide.

Only you have to live with whatever decision you make, but I will say that if you decide not to go, please make sure that you at least call your father, and let him know how much you love him and tell him what he has meant to you, as once he's gone you will never be able to tell him. And that for sure will give you some regrets.

I can tell you from personal experience with my husband, who had an excruciatingly painful 6 week dying process back in Sept. 2020, that I too thought that since I was here with him 24/7, that that was all I would think of and remember when I thought of him after his death. Initially I did, but thankfully over time, I can now look back and remember him and the life we shared in a positive light.

So do what your heart is telling you to do, as you can never go wrong if you follow your heart. God bless you.

You've done so much for your dad already, so don't ask if you're 'terrible' for questioning whether or not to see him in person in his last days. You've been a wonderful daughter to him and THAT is what counts; not whether you see him right before he passes away. I think we place too much importance on things like that, personally, because death is only a rebirth of sorts into a new form of life. You will see your dad again when it's your time to transition. Saying goodbye to him over the phone and "I will see you again" is sufficient, especially if you're going to be haunted forever by the memory of his final moments.

When my father was passing, I knew it would be in the wee hours of the morning, so I left his room at the ALF and went home precisely because I did NOT want to witness him taking his last breath. I don't know what purpose that would have served, really. I was with him for a great amount of time prior, and that was hard enough. I can now remember him laughing and enjoying a meal at my house instead of struggling to breathe, which was my goal all along.

Wishing you peace and comfort at this difficult time in your life. Sending you a hug, too.

You don't have to go, especially if you call him on the phone to say goodbye. I don't know what your relationship is with your step-mother - will she have support when your dad dies. Would she appreciate your presence?

Again it is your decision - I was present when my MIL breathed her last breath - when I remember her - I remember her from the brief few years I shared with her.

I wasn't present when my father died. He'd been on hospice for about 6 months. He just quietly went to sleep. The hospice nurse had called to give me an up date just 2 days earlier saying he was still feisty and trying to climb out of his wheelchair - while we knew death could come at any time - it still took my by surprise. While I remember dad in SN - what I remember most are good times.

May you be blessed with grace, peace and love.

If it was me, I'd go. The "sight" of him in his final days will quickly fade from your mind. I was with my dad throughout his final weeks, but yes, he looked terrible when he died. I was sure I'd never get that sight out of my head, but I couldn't conjure it up just a month later. I remember my healthy dad, not my dying one.

My dad and I had so many wonderful conversations in those last days, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. He didn't become unconscious until the day before he died.

I'm sure he'd want to see you and hold your hand if you could bring yourself to do it, but if all you can bear is to Facetime, so be it. Just don't paralyze yourself with fear over death itself. It's a natural conclusion to life. We aren't very pretty when we first arrive on this earth either, but our parents didn't turn away from our scrunched up faces and pointed heads then. :-)

Before my dad passed away the family was with him. It was so sad to see him take his last breath, but I am glad I was with him during his final days. He was quite comfortable and peaceful the last days of his life. I held his hand throughout the night before he passed and it was so special to me. I feel contentment knowing we were there to give him support when he needed us most. I feel blessed I was able to say goodbye to my wonderful father.
Only you can make that decision. My thoughts and prayers are sent to both you and your dad.

My mom passed over 6 yrs ago. She had CHF and was sent to hospice.
She was on many meds for a heart condition, thyroid, etc. They withheld all and let her pass naturally. It took about 3 days. I got a call in the am that she passed away. I picked up my dad and we went to see her. She looked like something had sucked the life/breath out of her body. And her skin looked plastic. I don't know any other way to describe it. And that memory is stuck in my head forever now.
So if you'd rather remember your dad how he is now, don't go.
My prayers are with you and your dad.

Go see your father.

Go see your father. It would be as much for him as for yourself.

Go see your father. I promise you that you will not regret it.

I have been where you are. I made the choice to see my father after much consideration.

Thank God I did because after he died I had the peace of knowing We both said goodbye (without having to actually say it).

And yet, all my memories are of the times when he was young and healthy. My mind brings me only the good memories.

The way our minds work, well, I believe this will certainly be true for you,too.

Do yourself the kindness of booking the flight.

I would go. For your dad if nothing else. I am sure he'd want you there. It's not easy but try. But you may have regrets later. This may be the last chance you get to be with him on this side of things. So sorry. I know how hard it is and how much it hurts.

You won’t regret being with your dad as he leaves this world. It’s not easy but you will find peace and comfort by being there. It’s never easy but if it’s possible to be there it would be best for you both.

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad but can only say if I was in your situation I would want to see him regardless as you don’t want to live with regrets I lost my dad suddenly to a brain haemorrhage when I was 5 and didn’t get to see him before he died and can always remember it don’t live with regrets take care

Being with your dad in his last days is way of honoring who he is in total. He is spirit not a body only. If it were me, I say yes, go and also be with your step mom. Do not worry that this one visit will erase your memories of how he used to be. Our society wants death to be sterilized. But death is normal.

My mom died in hospice at 64 from brain cancer. I lived two states away and was in a new job teaching when she died and I could not be with her to say goodbye which I regret. My dad died last summer in a NH and they only let me see him as he lay comatose near death. So I never got to see him alive again. But I talked to him anyway and told him what I wanted him to hear.
Go, talk to him, pray over him if you do that, say the 23rd psalm, or just hold his hand. You will NEVER regret doing a kind act and it will be good for you and him.
You however must honor your feelings too. Feelings are just what they are, neither good or bad. So you shouldn’t judge yourself as terrible if you don’t go. So if you don’t go, just be sure that sits well with you.

Many years ago my grandmother died in a nursing home, alone. It was evident she was failing (she had dementia, and if all the pieces were put together, it would seem an aide or employee with access to her used dry ice to attempt to cut off the wedding rings that were impossible to remove due to arthritis etc. I suspect a stroke may have taken place she was so upset, her hand was grossly swollen /blistered. My mother and I went to be with her. I still harbor the guilt that I wasn't with her and she died alone when I was convinced to go out with other family for pizza. SO years after that, when my beloved uncle, (grandma's son) was in the hospital having had a heart attack, I stayed through the night, day whatever and I was with him, when he passed. Nothing can take away our love or memories of who and how they were, and they have already changed some due to the illness. You will not regret being with him for the time you spent as he recovered and may come to even cherish those times. No one can make this decision for you, but if your work/family/financial status allows you to be with him, I would go to be with him. You won't have a chance to do it again, and if you are close at all, I would suspect he will be very grateful to have you there. My uncle, may he rest in peace, married at 65 for the first time to a woman he would later find was a selfish rich witch. The day after he was gone she made sure to transfer his frequent flyer miles to her own account. I'm sure he had no interest in her being there beside him as much as he would want those he was closest to....Wishing you comfort and peace with whatever decision you make. Just be aware that the if the end is approaching, that if you wait too long, your arrival may be too late. Literally. Planes get delayed, there is traffic, life happens and goes on even in the midst of such serious situations. Take good care....

If you don't see him during his last days, and know you were able--you will regret that. Because when they die, that's it. They are gone forever. Once dead...too late.

Everyone has their own feelings about death. For me personally, I have been present for grandparents last minutes, a beloved uncles last minutes, and my own dear mother. Our whole family actually was there for all of them. And there is something inherently comforting as you are there with your loved one, touching them as their time gets closer and closer. Please believe me and others when they say that you will forget how your dad looks now. You will only remember him as he was his whole life. I know that when it is my time, I hope that my family will continue our caring "rituals" and be with me. I truly believe that I will know they are there and I am not alone. God bless you...

When I think about dying, I would like my family around me, holding my hands.

I’m sorry you’re losing your father. Pancreatic cancer is silent and fast. I also lost my brother this way. I flew from California to the hospital inNew Jersey. He was also in his early 70s; still practicing law. I am old now but I still remember how happy and surprised he was to see me and I am so thankful that I went and visited him because it was the last time.

Dear smorris77,
What does "I love him very much," mean?
Do you love him enough to put aside your needs for the sake of his needs?
If he can hear you, go tell him all the things you want him to hear. In person.
You won't regret being kind in his final moments.

You won't "remember" him this way after it's over. You will remember all of your time together. This part of his journey should also be filled with those who love him. On the balance, wouldn't you regret NOT being there over being there?

PUT yourself in his shoes, would you want your child to come and visit you if you were dying?
I think at this times, you should do whatever is best for your Dad, to make his passing as easy as possible.
I also think it's a selfish cop out fir your brother to not go and see his dad by saying I'd rather remember him the way he was.
How would either of ya'll like it if the situation wreversed and it was you dying and your Dad just blew you off saying oh, I'd rather just remember how they were.
You would feel Awful and Sad.
Of course, if asked, your Dad would probably say oh honey, I understand.

Understand this, if you love him like you say you do,, you'll forget about your own feelings and go see your dying father, he may look different on the outside,, but his feelings on the inside is the same..

You will regret it fir ever if you make that easy way out selfish decision to not go and say your last good bye.

You should tell your brother the same thing.

One last thing, if you and your brother don't go see your dying father, Don't Bother To Go To His Funeral!

Going to his funeral would just be for show tho ya'll will say out of Respect but it's more to make yourself feel better and for closure.

You didn't show either Respect or Closure to your Dad if all you did was stay away and not see him in the end of his life.

Praters you and your brother both make the right decision fir your Dad, Not for yourself.

If you do decide to visit, it might be helpful to focus on little things you can do for him or his caretakers that will be helpful. I focus on my mother’s supplies, and make sure her room is tidy and clean. I ask staff if there is anything that they need for her care. I keep moving so I don’t sink.

The question should be What does your father want? You have a lifetime of memories with your dad and this will only be one of them . . . whether you go see him or not.

My father died of Pancreatic cancer at age 68. From the diagnosis to his death was only 6 weeks.  My mother didn’t drive and the cancer prevented Dad from driving. I drove 200 miles each way two or three times a week to help my parents, and drive Dad the 150-mile round trip to his oncologist.  Being able to spend those final weeks with him was precious to me, and I’m sure it was a special for him too. Though he had lost a lot of weight, he was still the same man who raised me, and we were able to have last conversations, hugs and smiles. I have no regrets.
My sister lived further away, but had made plans to fly in. Unfortunately, she arrived about an hour after he died. She has regrets that she missed out sharing some final moments with him. 
I remember Dad all the years before his illness. When I look at the old photos, I don’t think of him when he was dying but of when he was living. As a parent myself, I would be terribly hurt if my daughters refused to visit me in my last days because they didn’t want to remember me that way.
Everyone is different, and I suppose it would depend on how close you are with your Dad. If you don’t care about his feelings then stay away, but I think you will regret that. Wishing you and your family best wishes during this difficult time.

Would he like to see you? And would his wife need help and support?

I understand how you feel. I thought I wouldn't be able to be with my mom when she passed because I was so close to her, and I was her caregiver for the last 8 years. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally. But when the time was getting close last April, my sister and I decided to send her to the hospice house from the hospital. She was suffering with pain and gasping for breath. I stayed away the first night and then the nurse called me the next day and said she didn't think my mom would make it through the next few hours. I pushed my fears aside and I told my daughter to meet me there at the hospice house (she's 24). When we arrived i realized this is where I needed to be. Yes my mom looked very sick, but she was still my mom and I didn't want her to be scared. My sister and her daughter and me and my daughter all stayed with her for several hours. We held her hand and washed her face and arms in warm lavender water. I played her favorite love songs and told her I loved her. We told her we would be ok and that it was ok for her to go. She took her last breath at 6:07 pm on April 15th 2021. I'm so thankful I put aside my worries and thought about how she felt instead. I would have regretted not going forever.

My mother died in unpleasant circumstances and I found her body. That image is burned into my brain and makes me grimace every time I think of it. My FIL died of cancer and I saw him in his last days, it was awful and it's also how I remember him, despite how lovely he was as a person. Whilst it was a chance for us to say goodbye, I wished I hadn't gone because that is now my strongest memory of him. I wished that I had only spoken to him instead of seeing him. I *didn't* see my father when he was dying as I knew that would give me another unpleasant mental image to carry, and I do not regret that decision. But, I should add that my father and I didn't have a close relationship, so that was probably a factor which made the decision easier. It is not true or fair to state that you will automatically regret not being there at the end, because it depends on many factors including your own personality (how well you handle the unavoidable consequences of hard decisions), the nature of the relationship you've had with that person, and the circumstances surrounding their death.

This is obviously a very personal decision, and I wouldn't presume to tell anyone else what to do. I can tell you, though, that I was at my father's side when he passed away last year, and hard as it was, I haven't regretted it at all. In fact, looking back, my main emotion is gratitude that I could be there for him, for my mom and for myself. I certainly have memories of the day he died, but because of the way it played out -- he was lucid till the end, and able to tell us that he loved us -- the memories are more of the emotions of the day as opposed to actual images of his final moments. And those are very much balanced out by years of other memories of my dad being ... well, my dad. Being there felt like closure to me, a way to give back to him for all the years he gave to me, and it's helped me through the grief. But I know it's a tough decision, and you're the expert on what's best for you and your family. Please take care of yourself and do what's best for you.