Am I terrible for not wanting to see my father in his last days?

You will remember him as he was through pictures and stories and rather than thinking of him this way. I smile when I think of my Dad and almost never think of what he looked like in his dying days. My opinion is than you may be afraid of the grief seeing him this way brings but this won’t remain the only memory. I also think you will seriously regret not saying goodbye.

I truly believe this is a decision only you can make. You know the weight of the options in your own family. Being with my parents in their last moments was right for me (and for them), and I will never forget it nor regret it. Trust your instincts. Wishing you peace.

Yes. This is not about you. It is about your father. There should be no question, your father needs you more than ever. It is too bad you find this uncomfortable to be around your father because he is dying. Some day you will be dying. How would you feel if you were ignored by your loved ones. Love is NOT conditional. Actually reading your question brings sadness to my eyes for your father. Put aside your need to protect yourself emotionally or whatever, and think about your father's needs especially in his last, painful days. I would imagine also you will not be attending his funeral since you would not want to remember him this way also. I pray God will change your heart. You really don't need confirmation not to see your father in order to justify your feelings. Right now you should be feeling an overwhelming need to be with your dying father. I guess I am being passionate about my answer because there is no way on God's green earth, anything would keep me away from my dying parents or loved ones.

I can tell you it is not easy to sit there and watch someone die.

If they were loving towards you though it is one of the most loving things you can do. Take old photo's and reminisce with him.

The most pitiful experience is to die alone.

Then you will go home and cry your eyes out.

In the long run however you will be glad you did.

I still am after many decades.

On the opposite side of the coin there are those who just cannot do it. They cannot even visit someone when they are sick. It is too upsetting for them to experience.

I am praying for you to make the right choice. If you decide to visit him let me know and if you need a shoulder to cry on I am here for you.

Who better to sit and listen to you and offer advice then someone who has walked that trail many times before.

For me it was made even more difficult because when I turned a teenager someone close to me died each year until I was nineteen. So I had to go through puberty, go through watching my a different loved one die every year, move off of the farm to the city with no friends and my dad became a Jehovahs Witness so they were trying to brain wash me into joining their cult.

I am praying for you.

My last in-person visit with my father was in February 2020. Then we had Covid and everything shut down with no visits. In May he fell and had to go to rehab but due to Covid, not his usual one. While in Rehab I did do a Skype visit with him but he really didn't understand that it was me live, he thought it was a picture of me. Then he caught Covid in rehab. It caused him to have a heart attack and he was moved to long-term care. For the most part, he was unresponsive. I did another Skype visit with him. If someone yelled his name loud enough he would briefly open his eyes. They did offer to allow me an in-person visit but I didn't see the point. He really wouldn't know I was there and I would be exposing myself to Covid despite using protective gear. I didn't want to risk bringing that back home to my husband and I would have had to quarantine from work and I didn't have the type of job I could just walk away from. And as the OP said, it is hard to see someone who was so full of life looking like this now.

I may have a little regret for not going in person but then I realize he would have not known I was even there. I can live with my decision.

Sounds like you really love your dad. So sorry this is happening to you. GO..... see your father. Hold his hand, kiss his forehead, whisper in his ear. This isn't about you and how u want to remember...it's about him. I was there with my sister every single day at the end as she lay dying from cancer and when she took her last breath. Its the toughest and most loving thing someone can do for another. I felt that her children who weren't there were being selfish. Also...I'm sure his wife would appreciate your support at this time also. Go see your father.

Maybe it’s worth thinking more about the fear you have in seeing him. Do you think you cannot bear it? It will be painful and sorrowful but you (we) are stronger than that. Pain and sorrow are part of life, and loss is the payment for love. Not just for your father’s sake, but for your sake - consider not running away from what you fear but accept it as a natural part of living, of being human.

Just an opinion so you do what you need to do. If it were me, I would suck up my discomfort and fear of seeing him in discomfort and go. Life is not pretty and, unfortunately neither is death. You don't have to be there at the moment of his death but a goodbye will help you and him.

What would your gather like? You might not like seeing your father in these last days, but these memories will fade in favor of happier memories.
If you can gear up for a final visit, it will meaningful for your father and you will be glad you did it.

Go see him, the good memories will replace the bad and it will bring him comfort to see you there.

This one really sits on you, hard. Most people have aversion to seeing beloved ones in misery, and, in my opinion, also talks of personal strength of character. I know from first my own experience of dealing with cancer, how quickly some people disappeared in fast abandonment, and who showed up true blue. The wife that is a nurse , has a stressful and difficult situation and could use unconditional support. Just because she's a nurse, doesn't mean she isn't a human under major stress with a dying husband. Your position of "wanting to remember him" on your terms, is selfish... and since you are responsible for yourself and your well being, the choice is yours, and yours to live with for the rest of your life. And, you can feel good that you did step up to the plate when he was recovering from surgery. May you make a decision that will allow you a clear conscience and loving memories.

Barbara Karnes RN. “Gone from my sight” booklet. Many more.
Unfortunately our society has done little to help us experience and understand end of life. It’s a precious time for the dying and the living.

I lost my mother a year ago this past March. I couldn’t imagine not being there with her. I held her hand and felt her fleeting pulse beat until it was gone and she took her last feeble breath. I’m so very thankful for those last few weeks I spent by her bedside. I’ve witnessed loved ones holding on waiting for a specific someone to say goodbye. Trust me. Go. Spend what little time he has left sharing memories, talking to him, reading to him, etc. Your love for your father is greater than your fear or aversion to seeing him suffer. Praying God will give you the strength you need. 🙏

I don't think ur terrible. Ur honest about your challenges, worries, fears, and that only happens in courageous, strong, good ppl. If you go, it will be a gift to your dad. Maybe the last thing you do for him(😓ouch, im sorry), and it may turn out to be a kindness to yourself. I've never heard anyone say that they wish they didn't remember someone that way,but I have heard lots of ppl express what u feel now. I did. You will make the right choice for ur situation. Be at peace with your loving, good self. I'm sorry this is. (((Take care)))

You are not "terrible" but I would think long and hard about it and also talk more about it with your brother. This is about fear and your discomfort with the sadness and not really about the memories of how he used to be. You'll still have those memories along with the memory that you did everything you could to support him and your step mother.

I lost my mom in my early 20's and I didn't do a whole lot to help her or be there for her... Yes, I visited her in her last days at the hospital but I happened to be out of the room when she died. My sister has that memory of being with her but I do not. Somehow I think fate or God meant for me to not be in the room but I'm glad she wasn't alone... although she was in a coma so probably it didn't matter.

Whatever you decide, be sure you do enough so that you have no regrets. And remember this is about your whole family holding each other up through it... including your step mother. You don't get a "do over" for this, so do your best.

Go. Spend as much time with him as you can. There is nothing for loving than the closeness you will have with him in those last days.
I helped my mother take care of my father the last year of his life. I was always a daddy’s girl and at first I stayed away. I was angry. Angry and afraid. Once gone I would have no family left ( my mother and I never got along. Out of my 56 years on earth my mother and I only spoke for maybe 20 of it). I selfishly knew he would not pass without me therefor I took myself out of the equation. After receiving a call that he was in his last days I went to be with him. I stayed by his side for the next 5 months. I won’t lie- it was very very hard to watch him fade in front of me and I was still angry but the moments we shared were the best. I was there when he took his last breath. Just as he was when I took my first. I didn’t think I would be able to honor his DNR but I did. I believe that the only thing that made his transition easier was that I was there with him and he knew I would take care of my mother like I promised.
For me it was a privilege to be by his side in his final moments.
if you do not find a way to make this process a good one for both you and your father you will not have good memories because you will feel guilty about not being there. I’m sure in your life your father has gone through a few uncomfortable things with you out of love.
I know some about the regret of not being there because I also lost my mother to Covid in January. Exactly 1 year after loosing my father. As usual my mother and I weren’t speaking and she was hospitalized. She would not let them call me. But when it was time to pull the plug they called me for permission. It was very traumatic for me to learn that my mother was not going to live and I was the one who had to do it. For 30 years we did not speak ( off and on) and I have had more panic attacks wanting to call her than I ever believed I would.
ultimately it is your decision. Just know you have to live with that regret that you will never have the chance to fix. You may hate seeing your father so sick but you won’t ever hate yourself for not seeing him. That’s just my opinion

No, you're not terrible, however, I'll bet if you don't go years from now you'll have regret and sadness you didn't spend more time and consider that I bet he'd give anything to see you. I really think you should go say goodbye and tell him how much you love him. DO it now and don't wait time is precious.

Excuse my earlier typo. I did not catch it, but, of course, I meant "What would your father like" (not "gather!" )

You can do this. You can tell your father you love him and thank him for doing a good job of raising and protecting his family.

It would be nice for your father if your brother could also get over his fear, but you can only deal with your own actions. This is a sad and uncomfortable time, but it is part of growing up, no matter what our age.

To me, it doesn’t matter that YOU don’t want to remember him in his failing physical state. What matters is that you are there for him. How would you like it if people abandoned you when you were sick and ready to die? I would much rather remember for the rest of my life that I had supported and comforted my father during his last days. (Just being there will be “comfort.” Don’t think you necessarily have to say anything in particular to comfort him.) Do whatever you have to do to go. You will be soooo sorry if you don’t.

A few questions may help you clarify what is "best" for you:

Is dad "with it" - that he knows who is with him and who isn't?
If he is aware, then seeing him is to affirm the love and relationship you have now, not his inevitable death.

Can you afford to take the time off?
If your finances are tight or other obligations make it too difficult to go to him, consider other ways of "visiting": phone calls, video chats...

What is "helpful and/or kind" for dad and his wife?
Being "the better person" is always about meeting needs of others. What is most helpful for each of them? Sometimes, it is your presence and other times it might be more practical "gifts:" a delivered meal, cleaning the house, buying groceries...

Here is my take - having gone through the same. You love your father and you will always remember the good times. Now he is going and it is nearly impossible to see him as he is now. At this time, you must put YOUR feelings aside. Assuming he is still aware of what is going on around him, the greatest love and thanks you could give him is to be there for him. It is heartbreaking but it would be worse for him if you were not with him. When we finally leave we want our loved ones nearby. It is not easy but given time and the good relationship you apparently had, time heals a lot and eventually the good memories will shine through all of them. Please, if you can, be with him or you may regret it later once he is gone. I know (I went through something like this years ago and was never able to forgive myself NOT being present in the final moments).

And when my mother was dying, I spent every moment with her but at the end she was in the hospital and I was on my way to see her. Moments before I took the elevator, she passed away - this horror and hurt will never leave me - I wasn't there when she really needed me - at the end. God forgive me.

I saw my dad the day before he died from cancer. He was very thin and looked nothing like my dad. He died while I was at work, so I wasn't with him at the time of death. But, I don't remember him as he was the day before he died. I remember him as the healthy, funny, smart man he was before he got sick. I hope this helps you.

You will remember him from his lifetime with you not the final days. Be with him to help him leave. He may not be with it for a long spell, but many people have clarity at the end. Be there for him. Your step mother has no choice in the matter. I'm sure she doesn't like seeing him this way either. No one wants to Be there for her, too.

My youngest brother passed last July. It was the 2nd hardest thing I ever did - hold his hand as he slipped away from me. I remember that time with each detail, however I also remember how close we were. The first hardest, was telling my dad it was ok to let go well over 40 years ago. It was more important to me that both of them knew I was with them at the end.

I live 1500 miles from my brother who is in hospice. The nurses have told me they would notify me of changes that he is getting closer to dying so I can get there before he passes. One caveat though is that younger patients (my brother is 65) can suddenly pass with little lingering. I hope that doesn’t happen as I have every intention of being with my niece when he passes. One of the greatest fears about death for some people is that of dying alone.

When I worked as a CNA on an oncology unit I was around dying patients. I came to see death as a sacred moment, and I don’t want to miss this with my brother.

Some family members envision a sort of kumbaya experience where everyone in the family comes together when a LO dies, but it’s an expectation that needs to be released. Some people can’t bring themselves to be there. Ultimately it’s about the LO dying, not one’s personal fears. Not saying it’s easy …

Love sees and remembers those times you hold dear to your heart. In time, all those wonderful memories flood back. I know as a parent, I would be devastated if you hadn't come.

I was able to do a window visit at Hospice with my dad… it was hard to talk to him through a window, but I know he heard me. I still cherish this opportunity. He died 24 hours later.

I didn’t want to see my father go through his suffering and wasting away either but since my mother is late 90’s and my only sibling had little contact, my choice was to be his home caretaker until his final moments alive. There was little outside help, I had no experience at the time; I had a year being vigilant 24/7 hours, little sleep and it nearly killed me. Yes, I would do it all over again ( I am doing it again right now with my mother). Now, I do have more outside help during the day so I can get a chance to get more rest
Currently I still am on call more than half of each 24 hour day. I would feel very guilty if I did not give this constant help as it is something that I feel I must do for them by being there for them. Yes, they they look very different and not in a good way at all. This is freakin life, step up to the plate and start swinging. You cannot stick your head in the sand and pretend the situation doesn’t exist. Put yourself mentally in your fathers shoes for a moment ( there is a fair chance you may be in them someday yourself)-he is suffering, maybe scared, knows he will die…if you can be present at the end stages and through the end of life, it will help him so much to get through his final weeks and days. I’m not talking about a quick visit. Put your life on the back burner and donut for him and your mom. How terrible to be dying or diseased and your children avoid or abandon you. I realize it is extremely unpleasant for you but he really needs you now more than any other time of his life. It will help you as well in many ways you cannot envision right now. Take charge of this event and be there for him. In addition, You may have the opportunity to help him by being his advocate for additional pain relief meds if you see he goes through any horrendous pain when the professionals don’t realize it if it comes on fast. Please help him, his time of need is now.

You've been there for his appointments and care. He trusts you. You would give him great comfort. He will be on palliative care and medicated to manage his pain.

I suspect that you fear dying as many of us do. But death is a part of life as much as being born. The comfort your presence gives him during his transition to whatever is next is like the comfort one gives a newborn transitioning into this physical life. Love him enough to not be afraid. His wife is a nurse so managing the physical aspects will be lovingly monitored.

I found being present for my father's death transformative. It actually made me less fearful.

Blessons. No matter what you choose, you have already done well for your father.

This is a very personal decision. I can tell you that I bore my dad a lot of resentment. I cared for him before he passed and I feel like it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.