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My grandma has been in a nursing home since a hospital stay last September. She initially went for rehab, but it was determined by myself and her care team that it wasn't safe for her to return home due to cognitive issues and falling/safety awareness. Because of covid, the nursing facility was closed to the public until recently. For the first few months she was there, we talked on the phone occasionally, but it was only ever for her to tell me her latest delusion (usually someone had stolen something that was never there in the first place). After around Christmas she continued to decline mentally and stopped charging her cell phone. I continued to check on her via nursing home staff. Now that she has been vaccinated and I can go visit again, I just don't want to. I feel like a terrible person. We have never had a close relationship. Before my parents passed away I maybe saw her twice a year even though we live in the same town. I have spent the last almost three years dealing with family stuff, first my dad passing unexpectedly, then my mom being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 3 months later, being the sole caregiver for my mom who moved in with my husband and I, my mom passing away, cleaning out and selling their homes which was a massive undertaking especially as an only child, and then becoming caregiver for my grandma. I feel selfish, but I'm tired of living my life for everyone else and feeling like I'm just biding time until she passes away.

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You were never close so for heavens sake do not feel guilty or bad. I doubt she has any idea you are not visiting. You have gone above and beyond to take care of things - too much for one person. If you want to go for a half hour or so, go. If not, take care of yourself and find a way to have some peace and joy. You deserve it.
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Grandmothers need a familiar face, especially now.
You might feel worse after she passes, because you didn’t go.
#GoldenRule applies
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Don't be hard on yourself. My father passes in 2020 (NOT COVID), my mother just recently went into NH due to different health issues and can't stay home alone. she agreed time to go into NH......so now mainly me (brother helps some) and hubby taking care of getting stuff cleaned out of house/ready to sell. And with our NH only allowing window visits, I have only been in 3 times since middle of April. Just too busy but I do call her 2 times a week. IF your grandmother does have mental decline, she may not remember the last time you were in to visit. if you only feel comfortable doing it 1 time a month, then do that. you can call the home to find out how she is doing, etc. It sounds harsh but I too am ready for all the stuff to be handled so I don't have to take care of my place and work on getting another one ready to sell......what to do with all the furniture that people don't want but yet too good to just throw away. I wish you luck......but take some time for YOU and when you are ready to visit, then do it on your terms for what you are comfortable with.
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You are not a bad person for not wanting to visit... and I can only imagine what your life has been like for the past 3 years... it's a lot for anyone much less a young 30 year old.

Is there enough money to hire a personal caregiver to come visit a few hours every so many days? Or sometimes hospice (if she is on hospice) will provide volunteer companions. If you can get her on hospice I would do that because it is someone overseeing the facility and making sure more than one agency is responsible.

Most likely she will stop remembering who you are soon enough and she will stop realizing how often or not often you come visit. I love the idea of pulling someone else into the room to have a conversation with. And you don't have to stay long, just make sure the staff knows you are there and talk to them about any care issue you saw.. it will keep them aware ofwhat's happening. You also could put a camera in her room and believe me, even if you never watch it.. they do make sure not do to anything bad on camera.

I would try to do frequent enough visits that you don't feel guilty... this isn't just for your grandma, it's to honor your parents who would want you to do this in their stead. Don't do so much that you resent it... give yourself a respite for a few weeks and then see what you can do without resentment.

You don't have to stay long... 30 minutes or even less is enough.

Good luck and bless you. I wish there were more young adults who carried the responsibility as gracefully as you have. But take care of you too!
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Imho, you are NOT a selfish individual. You were a STELLAR caregiver to your father and then your mother. You require respite from visiting your grandmother.
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I completely sympathize with your feelings. It sounds like there’s a battle between what you truly want and what your conscience is telling you. I have a suggestion, try to figure out a way to schedule a visit, almost mechanically, like getting a tuneup for your car. Put it into that category mentally. I would suggest once a month, but this is really important: find a friend to go with you. It doesn’t need to be someone that your grandmother knew; it could be one of the volunteer staff from the nursing home, or another person who is willing to help you out this way. That person will be your support. Bring some flowers. And have a light conversation with your friend there as well as check in with your grandmother and and let her know that you’re there, you care for her, and that you will be back for another visit another time. Ask her if she needs anything.

Keep it simple and try to be peaceful. I don’t know if you are a spiritual person, but if so, I would ask God to take care of that visit for me and let his spirit speak while I mostly just listen.
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Grandma doesn't have anyone so you should go visit at least once a month.

Old people in Senior Homes that don't have visitors don't get taken care of as well as the ones who get visitors.
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I am curious why you saw your grandma only 1 or 2 times a year. I am guessing it was like that all the while you were growing up. Was there a problem between her and your parents? Something that you may never have known about? I only ask because it would have been on your mom or dad, not sure if this is a paternal or maternal grandma, to see their parent a bit more often than 1 or 2 times a year.
You have no "obligation" to see her.
You can, if you are listed on her HIPAA forms, ask about how she is doing. You can ask the staff if she needs anything.

You are not a terrible person. There is a reason why the relationship is what it is and you will probably never find out why.
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As others said, you are not a bad person for feeling this way after your previous tenure of caring for your parents and your relationship with your grandma. However, I think for the benefit of YOUR peace of mind, an occasional visit, maybe two or three times in a year, would help you feel more comfortable mentally.
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You should visit her. Period.
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Hi ☺️. Just do the best you can. You’ve been through a lot. I’m an only child who is caregiver to my very elderly parents as well, so I get it. This is a very rough situation you’ve been through, and yet are STILL going through. Be kind to yourself. Do your best with your grandmother. They don’t have to be long visits. And as one of my favorite Aunts used to tell me: this too shall pass. Hand in there, you’re a human being and none of us is perfect. We do our best. God bless you.
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You are NOT a BAD person, please believe me im caring for my MIL . she is mean SELFISH. and mean RACIST. its all I can do to visit her take her out for a meal cuz she refuses to eat at home.I also work and have a family, IM trying to be a supportive WIFE fo DEAR husband who has NO one to help/ his sisters lay all the rsponsibility on him and my kids and .Me / she has a caregiver who is constantly texting me what to do , she is paid very well but often goes home when the going gets rough ,Hang in there you are HUMAN .and even the sweetest people can only take so much . if you can go do something you enjoy and take care of yourself first . then you can give a LITTLE of your time, I feel like i want the LORD to TAKE HER , because its KILLING me and my family , we canot live ONE day without thinking about HER. im so over whelemed
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Sometimes I wonder about the intensity of our feelings throughout our lifetime. As teens we feel everything so deeply! Oh my gosh, that first heartbreak!

As time goes by, we learn how to process our emotions better. Or simply, don’t feel as intensely.

Seniors often cry because they are so moved by a circumstance. I saw my husband’s grandfather do this often. He would just be staring at the family during a holiday dinner and just break down in tears. Tears of joy would pour out of him. Then the hugs came. Maybe it was reflecting back on issues or maybe it was a realization that there wasn’t much time left.

Once I asked him, “Why are you crying?” His response was, “Because I am so happy.”

Then there are other people that were miserable their entire lives! Getting older for them wasn’t more emotional. They were mean younger and mean now. People who were nice younger, generally stay nice. I find our ‘core’ personality doesn’t change much.
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My husband’s grandmother was a selfish, hateful, woman who most likely had a mental illness. She had one daughter, my sweet mother in law, who generously cared for her. She had three grandchildren. They all despised her.

My grandmother in law was extremely wealthy. She refused to go to an assisted living facility, so my mother in law hired private caregivers around the clock for her. She paid them plenty, so they wouldn’t quit! She eventually ended up in the hospital where absolutely no one went to see her. She had alienated everyone so badly that she spent her final days completely alone. It’s incredibly sad when a person is this cruel. What goes around, comes around.

No one should force themselves to visit or care for a cruel person.
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If you never had a close relationship with your grandmother at any time in your life and only saw her twice a year in spite of living in the same town, that's on her not you.
Why should a person feel obligated to visit someone in a nursing home who is pretty much just an acquaintance to them?
You have no reason to feel like a terrible and guilty person for not spending time in a nursing home listening to a delusional elderly person that you hardly know complain about everyone stealing from them.
If you still feel like a terrible person visit her twice a year. That's what she gave you.
No one should expect more then they were willing to give themselves.
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I doubt that a 30-minute visit would be "living your life for everyone else."

Make the effort to visit once a week or so. I think you can do that much.
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BurntCaregiver May 2021
MJ1929,

Why should she make the effort to visit once a week?
Her grandmother who lives in the same town as her granddaughter didn't make an effort to see her more than twice a year her entire life.
The grandmother doesn't deserve more than that from her granddaughter because that's all she was willing to give herself.
So now she's elderly, bored, and lonely in a nursing home and wants company? The granddaughter she saw twice a year isn't the person who should be doing it.
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Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. I did actually go visit today for about 15 minutes. The visit was ok and she seems to be doing well and in good spirits. She has no clue she is in the nursing home, which may be for the best. Our visit ended with her asking about things she thinks we're stolen (this has been an ongoing theme and and subject of our only calls in the time she has been in the facility) which were never there with her to start with. I know the hospitalization, dementia, infections, etc have all exacerbated the delusions. I told her I would look into her concerns and excused myself telling her I had to go pick up some lunch for my husband. It definitely won't be a daily visit but maybe every other week or weekly could be doable.
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BurntCaregiver May 2021
hfry15,
Good for you. It was nice of you to go and visit her in the nursing home. You're a good person and god bless you.
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I’m sorry for the losses you’ve had. I’m a firm believer that every nursing home resident needs some one or several someones looking in on them and their care. Actual eyes on them. You’re not a terrible person for not wanting to do this. There was never a time I visited my mother in the nursing home that I enjoyed it. But I know that her care was good, in part because the staff saw her as someone that was cared about, her family showed up regularly. It’s human nature that when people see you care, they care more. There’s nothing saying the visits must be long or super involved. If you can’t make this advocate be you, I hope you’ll find someone to do it for you. Nursing home neglect doesn’t have nearly as much of a chance when family or their surrogates are there. I wish you both peace
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hfry15 May 2021
Thanks for you response. I understand the need to have someone check in. This isn't my first dealing with a ltf. My maternal grandmother and mother were both in the same facility a few weeks and a few days respectively before their passing. Unfortunately not only am I am only child, but so were both of my parents so there really is no one else.
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I remember once talking to someone about grandparents. They couldn't wrap their heads around the antagonism I have (had?) towards some of mine. I told him "you know, not everyone has warm and fuzzy grandparents." He was floored.

I can tell you, that if either of my grandmothers was in a facility, I can't envision visiting either one of them...my mom's mom was a difficult person to get along with, and my dad's mom was just plain evil.

Just because you are related to them by blood, that does not elevate them to the level of "family". And you have nothing to feel bad about.
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hfry15 May 2021
That is exactly how I describe her to people when they seemed amazed that I'm not overly involved in everything regarding her life, health, etc. She is not my "warm and fuzzy" grandma.
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I'm really glad I had 2 children because being an only child is a huge burden I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm an only myself, and I've always hated everything about it, but now even more so with a 94 y/o demented mother living nearby for the past 10 years and nobody to help me bear the load. I dealt with my father and his brain tumor for a long time, then he passed in 2015, and my mother has been declining ever since, living in Memory Care and causing me a LOT of stress & heartache.

My condolences on the loss of your mother and father, and all you've been through the past few years. You are suffering from what's known, I believe, as 'compassion fatigue' after all that's gone on. Google it. It's real and it's worse than burnout, too.

Do whatever you feel you must do for YOURSELF now. The thing about advanced dementia is that your grandmother likely won't remember your visit anyway, yet you can wind up suffering the after effects of it for weeks. Post traumatic stress is REAL and many of us suffer from it after years of care giving and watching loved ones die painful deaths. Seeing your grandmother in a debilitated state may be the straw that breaks the camels back for YOU, you just don't know. The 'one too many' thing that tips you over into PTSD and then what?

If you feel the need to call her once in a while, go ahead and do so. Otherwise, just check on her status with the nursing staff and leave it at that.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with your life.
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hfry15 May 2021
I have never heard of compassion fatigue, just googled it and it just hit the nail on the head! Definitely going to talk to my therapist about it. Thank you!
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You and grandma were never close. No need to be now. And she probably won't miss you. You just talked on the phone "occasionally" and she wasn't particularly interested in what was happening in YOUR life (which was plenty!)
She might wish she had more company, but it doesn't need to be you. You have enough to deal with. No need to feel guilty. You are a kind and and caring person, but just take care of YOURSELF for now.
As an only child, it may end up being your responsibility to handle some end-of-life issues for her. Do what you need to, be considerate, but don't feel obligated to act out a relationship that you never really had with her.
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hfry,

There is no ‘right or wrong’ way to feel. My neighbor was extremely close to her grandfather.

When he was dying her mom asked if she wished to see him before he died. She told her mom, “No, I want to remember grandpa as he was, not at death’s door.” Her mom respected her wishes and her grandfather completely understood.

Do what you need to do for you.

You are not being selfish, nor are you a terrible person.
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You aren’t “a terrible person” for taking good care of yourself, and your feelings of being last in line behind “everyone else” is certainly pretty understandable.

Could you consider taking a “caregiving leave of absence”, and then consider following up with some casual brief visits, sending a greeting card or two, contacting social services to see if someone could give her a phone or iPad if you were to call at a specified time during her day?

I thought I’d go bonkers when my mom was placed, and I too was a “lonely only”, and my PCP asked me if I’d considered reframing my situation with her. Ultimately, that actually worked. After I got to know the staff, help with some of the activities, chat with some of the more cognitively intact residents, the task became less onerous and more personally rewarding to me.

Three unrelieved years of sorrows and obligation is a long time. Take a little break, figure out some easy interim strategies, give it a shot. Really, you’ve paid your dues, but maybe you can come up with something to do enough to please Grandma and give yourself a bit of a boost too.
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