My grandma has been in a nursing home since a hospital stay last September. She initially went for rehab, but it was determined by myself and her care team that it wasn't safe for her to return home due to cognitive issues and falling/safety awareness. Because of covid, the nursing facility was closed to the public until recently. For the first few months she was there, we talked on the phone occasionally, but it was only ever for her to tell me her latest delusion (usually someone had stolen something that was never there in the first place). After around Christmas she continued to decline mentally and stopped charging her cell phone. I continued to check on her via nursing home staff. Now that she has been vaccinated and I can go visit again, I just don't want to. I feel like a terrible person. We have never had a close relationship. Before my parents passed away I maybe saw her twice a year even though we live in the same town. I have spent the last almost three years dealing with family stuff, first my dad passing unexpectedly, then my mom being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 3 months later, being the sole caregiver for my mom who moved in with my husband and I, my mom passing away, cleaning out and selling their homes which was a massive undertaking especially as an only child, and then becoming caregiver for my grandma. I feel selfish, but I'm tired of living my life for everyone else and feeling like I'm just biding time until she passes away.
Could you consider taking a “caregiving leave of absence”, and then consider following up with some casual brief visits, sending a greeting card or two, contacting social services to see if someone could give her a phone or iPad if you were to call at a specified time during her day?
I thought I’d go bonkers when my mom was placed, and I too was a “lonely only”, and my PCP asked me if I’d considered reframing my situation with her. Ultimately, that actually worked. After I got to know the staff, help with some of the activities, chat with some of the more cognitively intact residents, the task became less onerous and more personally rewarding to me.
Three unrelieved years of sorrows and obligation is a long time. Take a little break, figure out some easy interim strategies, give it a shot. Really, you’ve paid your dues, but maybe you can come up with something to do enough to please Grandma and give yourself a bit of a boost too.
There is no ‘right or wrong’ way to feel. My neighbor was extremely close to her grandfather.
When he was dying her mom asked if she wished to see him before he died. She told her mom, “No, I want to remember grandpa as he was, not at death’s door.” Her mom respected her wishes and her grandfather completely understood.
Do what you need to do for you.
You are not being selfish, nor are you a terrible person.
She might wish she had more company, but it doesn't need to be you. You have enough to deal with. No need to feel guilty. You are a kind and and caring person, but just take care of YOURSELF for now.
As an only child, it may end up being your responsibility to handle some end-of-life issues for her. Do what you need to, be considerate, but don't feel obligated to act out a relationship that you never really had with her.
My condolences on the loss of your mother and father, and all you've been through the past few years. You are suffering from what's known, I believe, as 'compassion fatigue' after all that's gone on. Google it. It's real and it's worse than burnout, too.
Do whatever you feel you must do for YOURSELF now. The thing about advanced dementia is that your grandmother likely won't remember your visit anyway, yet you can wind up suffering the after effects of it for weeks. Post traumatic stress is REAL and many of us suffer from it after years of care giving and watching loved ones die painful deaths. Seeing your grandmother in a debilitated state may be the straw that breaks the camels back for YOU, you just don't know. The 'one too many' thing that tips you over into PTSD and then what?
If you feel the need to call her once in a while, go ahead and do so. Otherwise, just check on her status with the nursing staff and leave it at that.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with your life.
I can tell you, that if either of my grandmothers was in a facility, I can't envision visiting either one of them...my mom's mom was a difficult person to get along with, and my dad's mom was just plain evil.
Just because you are related to them by blood, that does not elevate them to the level of "family". And you have nothing to feel bad about.
Good for you. It was nice of you to go and visit her in the nursing home. You're a good person and god bless you.
Make the effort to visit once a week or so. I think you can do that much.
Why should she make the effort to visit once a week?
Her grandmother who lives in the same town as her granddaughter didn't make an effort to see her more than twice a year her entire life.
The grandmother doesn't deserve more than that from her granddaughter because that's all she was willing to give herself.
So now she's elderly, bored, and lonely in a nursing home and wants company? The granddaughter she saw twice a year isn't the person who should be doing it.
Why should a person feel obligated to visit someone in a nursing home who is pretty much just an acquaintance to them?
You have no reason to feel like a terrible and guilty person for not spending time in a nursing home listening to a delusional elderly person that you hardly know complain about everyone stealing from them.
If you still feel like a terrible person visit her twice a year. That's what she gave you.
No one should expect more then they were willing to give themselves.
My grandmother in law was extremely wealthy. She refused to go to an assisted living facility, so my mother in law hired private caregivers around the clock for her. She paid them plenty, so they wouldn’t quit! She eventually ended up in the hospital where absolutely no one went to see her. She had alienated everyone so badly that she spent her final days completely alone. It’s incredibly sad when a person is this cruel. What goes around, comes around.
No one should force themselves to visit or care for a cruel person.
As time goes by, we learn how to process our emotions better. Or simply, don’t feel as intensely.
Seniors often cry because they are so moved by a circumstance. I saw my husband’s grandfather do this often. He would just be staring at the family during a holiday dinner and just break down in tears. Tears of joy would pour out of him. Then the hugs came. Maybe it was reflecting back on issues or maybe it was a realization that there wasn’t much time left.
Once I asked him, “Why are you crying?” His response was, “Because I am so happy.”
Then there are other people that were miserable their entire lives! Getting older for them wasn’t more emotional. They were mean younger and mean now. People who were nice younger, generally stay nice. I find our ‘core’ personality doesn’t change much.
You have no "obligation" to see her.
You can, if you are listed on her HIPAA forms, ask about how she is doing. You can ask the staff if she needs anything.
You are not a terrible person. There is a reason why the relationship is what it is and you will probably never find out why.
Old people in Senior Homes that don't have visitors don't get taken care of as well as the ones who get visitors.
Keep it simple and try to be peaceful. I don’t know if you are a spiritual person, but if so, I would ask God to take care of that visit for me and let his spirit speak while I mostly just listen.
Is there enough money to hire a personal caregiver to come visit a few hours every so many days? Or sometimes hospice (if she is on hospice) will provide volunteer companions. If you can get her on hospice I would do that because it is someone overseeing the facility and making sure more than one agency is responsible.
Most likely she will stop remembering who you are soon enough and she will stop realizing how often or not often you come visit. I love the idea of pulling someone else into the room to have a conversation with. And you don't have to stay long, just make sure the staff knows you are there and talk to them about any care issue you saw.. it will keep them aware ofwhat's happening. You also could put a camera in her room and believe me, even if you never watch it.. they do make sure not do to anything bad on camera.
I would try to do frequent enough visits that you don't feel guilty... this isn't just for your grandma, it's to honor your parents who would want you to do this in their stead. Don't do so much that you resent it... give yourself a respite for a few weeks and then see what you can do without resentment.
You don't have to stay long... 30 minutes or even less is enough.
Good luck and bless you. I wish there were more young adults who carried the responsibility as gracefully as you have. But take care of you too!
You might feel worse after she passes, because you didn’t go.
#GoldenRule applies