My brother and I live with our Mom (81). I'm afraid of him and can't trust him. What can I do?

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I've been her caregiver for the last 15 years. She enables my brother. He drinks, steals and threatens. He does nothing to participate in anything pays no rent. He threatens me , and I feel he has done other terrible things . How do I find out background checks or find a way to investigate this after before he could possibly harm me or my mother ? any ideas. My mom avoids the topic and we argue constantly due to him emotional and mentally abusing me and mom , but mostly me and he loves it when we do argue. he also gets aggressive when he drinks . Openly he has told me he wants me to be arrested , he wants me to mess up " f"""" - up was his actual words. I have caught him in my bedroom stealing , and recently found out he was abusive physically with his ex wife. I feel he is dangerous and don't want him living with my mom and me . Just the other night he was in a mood and told me in an undertone " he was in control " I'm afraid of him and he plays it off later as if nothing happened. I cant trust him .What can I do ?

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Don't draw mother into this more than she has to be. She is taking path of least resistance; probably overwhelmed, might even have dementia. You may have to get her signature on legal documents, but don't draw her into the fray.
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OK, from legal standpoint as far as I understand, what you share with your own ATTNY is "privileged information". In other words, you can share with your own ATTNY what may not be "admissible" in court. You are not going to court, but rather asking someone who has been hired to be on your side to be an effective advocate for you. If he happens to tell a judge, who CAN issue a restraining order, that in his opinion you are honest, (having seen what he has just seen-privileged), the judge is probably going to trust him based on reputation and the fact he knows the ATTNY isn't stupid. Admissible in court, maybe not. Enough to compel legal council to ask for help on your behalf, probably. There is a reason your gut is churning, after the number of years you have likely already dealt with the entire situation in quiet. If you leave, being the real care giver, your Mamma suffers, and you can't do that, and I would not either. The abuser has to go. Stand your ground, and DO NOT let him make you leave your Mom in a bad place, or hurt either one of you. It's the last time you will likely have to "suck it up" to protect Mom and yourself. Stay strong and get it over with. I will remember you in my prayers at bed tonight.
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Let me clarify. I did not read that mom was abusive; also scared - maybe... She's 81. Mom doesn't need to know about the PI. And if an arrest can be arranged, mom needs these documents drawn up anyway. By explaining that they will be required for hospitalizations, etc. surely, mom would rather appoint daughter over son to make healthcare and other decisions for her.

Daughter doesn't need mom's consent to get a Restraining Order against the brother if the RO is for the daughter, not the mom. But since they reside at the same address.....
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samlamW ... llamalover...OMG...so right, but as 97yearoldmom wrote...mother is abusive also, she's always taken it...she ALLOWS HIM to abuse her daugher because she is broken down...and just looks the other way!!! Horrible for daughter that has a mother that has allowed this to go on all this time!!! OMG...so sorry for daughter...hope there is a way out of this...hope some type of legal action could help them...but unless the mother states that they are afraid and being abused...there is probably NOTHING the daughter can do...unless the mother is deemed incompetent!! PLEASE KEEP POSTING THE OUTCOME...COULD HELP ALL CARETAKERS IN THIS POSITION! Hang in there honey!!
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I should have added - with legal authority, you can then get a Restraining Order and have him arrested if he shows up again.
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Dear Randy - you have some options, but they aren't easy or pretty. As others have indicated, you and your mom need to separate from your brother asap. And you need to do so without endangering yourself with his retribution. I don't like the idea of you guys being run out of the residence so he can take it over.

You asked about a background check. You can have a background check done by a private investigator. The PI can also follow your brother to his next drug buy/connection. After the 'buy' has been completed, the PI can notify the police. If a PI calls to report drug activity - the police will come out immediately and arrest him and confiscate his vehicle; all without you being involved. If he has any 'priors' that will keep him away long enough for you to possibly (if your mom is cooperative) have an attorney draw up Conservatorship and Attorney-In-Fact, papers naming you as Conservator and representative for your mom. Good luck.
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Expect your brother to die from alcohol poisoning, but that's not your problem. YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR MOTHER FROM THIS ABUSIVE MAN! Find out if your state has a judiciary case search. If so, get on it and look for his "track record, " because most likely he has one.
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He's an abusive alcoholic. You and your mother have to get away from him for your own safety.
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Hi Randy
Your brother sounds like a text book bully.
Your brother's stealing puts him in the physical category and your mothers passive behavior might actually place her in the secondary bully role. ( based on the info you provided). He's already threatened you that he is going to implicate you in something to cause you harm. As others have written here, it's time for you to take action for you and your mother to be free of his tyranny. You wanted to know about his record, perhaps your local police department can help you. At least they would have a record of your concern should the problem escalate. Would the exwife add her concern for you and your mothers safety ? Two people expressing concern might be more effective. Don't know what health problems your mother has but if asked, she might side with your brother. Fifteen years is a long time. I'm sure it is hard for you to see brother come in and take over and for mother to allow it. You need legal advice. Good luck.
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Yah...Nanny Cam...GREAT IDEA!! It might not hold up in court, but it CAN'T hurt evidence!
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