My brother and I live with our Mom (81). I'm afraid of him and can't trust him. What can I do?

Don't draw mother into this more than she has to be. She is taking path of least resistance; probably overwhelmed, might even have dementia. You may have to get her signature on legal documents, but don't draw her into the fray.

OK, from legal standpoint as far as I understand, what you share with your own ATTNY is "privileged information". In other words, you can share with your own ATTNY what may not be "admissible" in court. You are not going to court, but rather asking someone who has been hired to be on your side to be an effective advocate for you. If he happens to tell a judge, who CAN issue a restraining order, that in his opinion you are honest, (having seen what he has just seen-privileged), the judge is probably going to trust him based on reputation and the fact he knows the ATTNY isn't stupid. Admissible in court, maybe not. Enough to compel legal council to ask for help on your behalf, probably. There is a reason your gut is churning, after the number of years you have likely already dealt with the entire situation in quiet. If you leave, being the real care giver, your Mamma suffers, and you can't do that, and I would not either. The abuser has to go. Stand your ground, and DO NOT let him make you leave your Mom in a bad place, or hurt either one of you. It's the last time you will likely have to "suck it up" to protect Mom and yourself. Stay strong and get it over with. I will remember you in my prayers at bed tonight.

Let me clarify. I did not read that mom was abusive; also scared - maybe... She's 81. Mom doesn't need to know about the PI. And if an arrest can be arranged, mom needs these documents drawn up anyway. By explaining that they will be required for hospitalizations, etc. surely, mom would rather appoint daughter over son to make healthcare and other decisions for her.

Daughter doesn't need mom's consent to get a Restraining Order against the brother if the RO is for the daughter, not the mom. But since they reside at the same address.....

samlamW ... llamalover...OMG...so right, but as 97yearoldmom wrote...mother is abusive also, she's always taken it...she ALLOWS HIM to abuse her daugher because she is broken down...and just looks the other way!!! Horrible for daughter that has a mother that has allowed this to go on all this time!!! OMG...so sorry for daughter...hope there is a way out of this...hope some type of legal action could help them...but unless the mother states that they are afraid and being abused...there is probably NOTHING the daughter can do...unless the mother is deemed incompetent!! PLEASE KEEP POSTING THE OUTCOME...COULD HELP ALL CARETAKERS IN THIS POSITION! Hang in there honey!!

I should have added - with legal authority, you can then get a Restraining Order and have him arrested if he shows up again.

Dear Randy - you have some options, but they aren't easy or pretty. As others have indicated, you and your mom need to separate from your brother asap. And you need to do so without endangering yourself with his retribution. I don't like the idea of you guys being run out of the residence so he can take it over.

You asked about a background check. You can have a background check done by a private investigator. The PI can also follow your brother to his next drug buy/connection. After the 'buy' has been completed, the PI can notify the police. If a PI calls to report drug activity - the police will come out immediately and arrest him and confiscate his vehicle; all without you being involved. If he has any 'priors' that will keep him away long enough for you to possibly (if your mom is cooperative) have an attorney draw up Conservatorship and Attorney-In-Fact, papers naming you as Conservator and representative for your mom. Good luck.

Expect your brother to die from alcohol poisoning, but that's not your problem. YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR MOTHER FROM THIS ABUSIVE MAN! Find out if your state has a judiciary case search. If so, get on it and look for his "track record, " because most likely he has one.

He's an abusive alcoholic. You and your mother have to get away from him for your own safety.

Hi Randy
Your brother sounds like a text book bully.
Your brother's stealing puts him in the physical category and your mothers passive behavior might actually place her in the secondary bully role. ( based on the info you provided). He's already threatened you that he is going to implicate you in something to cause you harm. As others have written here, it's time for you to take action for you and your mother to be free of his tyranny. You wanted to know about his record, perhaps your local police department can help you. At least they would have a record of your concern should the problem escalate. Would the exwife add her concern for you and your mothers safety ? Two people expressing concern might be more effective. Don't know what health problems your mother has but if asked, she might side with your brother. Fifteen years is a long time. I'm sure it is hard for you to see brother come in and take over and for mother to allow it. You need legal advice. Good luck.

Yah...Nanny Cam...GREAT IDEA!! It might not hold up in court, but it CAN'T hurt evidence!

Nanny-cam is great idea but I would talk to a lawyer and police first.

My brother stole the legal papers...I am POA, the Trust...and I had nothing to prove this because I didn't have the attorney's name, and he was my brother's friend!! Make sure he doesn't do the same!

Have you tried applying for sole guardianship of your mother? I'm not sure how it works. It goes through probate court. Keep a written record of all his abuses, verbal, stealing, etc. Email them to yourself in an email account your brother can't know about.

Place a hidden nanny cam or voice recording devise in a main room, turn it on next time he's drunk and getting verbally abusive. Take it quick to an Attorney, get a restraining order. Ask for a Sheriff's help getting him and his main belongings out of the house. He can go to a shelter, you on the other hand are trapped.

I sure don't want to read about yet another double homicide if he would go that far when he's drunk. Trust your gut.

RandyCandy, there appears to be a number of issues at play here - your safety, your mother's safety, alcohol and maybe drug abuse - do you suspect he is using cocaine - that can cause him to be violent and explain theft to sustain his habit? There is also physical and psychological abuse - not just emotional but psychological in the form of controlling yours and your mother's behaviour through fear. You also have elder (including financial) abuse and theft. Not surprising you are experiencing real fear based on a genuine threat to you and your mother's safety. As an abuser who uses alcohol and possibly drugs, his behaviours will only get worse. I would highly recommend getting you and your mother out of that situation as safely as you can. This may require a brief stay at a women's shelter with police escort and a peace bond or restraining order against your brother (I believe the peace bond is the strongest). Talk to a police officer (non-emergency) and explain your situation, or go to a justice of the peace or sherrif and explain why you need the peace bond/restraining order. With regards to a criminal reference check, the only people privy to that are employers. Act now, but do not give him any indication what you are doing. Store up some money and necessities and make sure you take all your I.D. and other important cards with you. Once you are in a shelter you can then make plans for your mother (the emergency situation may even facilitate the process, if that's what you want).

Be safe, and God be with you!

You've been living with your mother as her caregiver for 15 years. At what point did your brother come into the household, and in what circumstances? Has he always lived with her, did he move back, what happened?

Call APS in your area or the police.

This sounds horrible. It also sounds like you have no control or a POA. Does your brother have the POA...He said HE IS IN CONTROL. Wow that is awful. I would get out and like others have said, get your mom out of there NOW. If she owns the house, the State will help you with payments until you sell the house and then collect. That sounds to me to be the best solution. You will feel horrible if he does something to your mom and you could have stopped it by placing her somewhere else.

You can check with an elder law attorney to discuss your options. If you mother is competent to make decisions then it is up to her to determine who can live in her house and who she supports (financially and emotionally). If you had Power of Attorney then you might have more options. You may want to call you State Aging Division (which can go by a lot of names) and discuss whether he may be legally guilty of elder abuse. Any change you make is likely to be met by ugly actions on the part of your brother. You cannot control him or change him. You are responsible for taking care of you. If moving out is the best option for you then you may need to take that step even over the objections of your brother and mother.

Have you called the Area Agency on Aging? A social worker?

All above are correct but, still, you need back up. Hide your stuff. You and your mom need to get out. Sell the house.

I am going to save you a lot of bs your mom should js tr go to a nursing home you have done your best and went beyondwith out you she would have been there now you ddon't need to care for a addicted brother and a sick mom what not only ois I'll in body but mind letting him use you the house and taking things if you could have stopped him by even getting ss and police to get a order to keep him away she would resent you and he may hurt you and her don't say anything tell the ssshe has to be put in a home as you can't do it with all the trouble she lets happen then your free to visit her and helpher there just before you do tthis start acting sick and go toa doctor he will tell you to put her away as the stress on you is not good and the home will not let him visit while drunk ss will tell you how to care for her finance or if none or not much the court will decided money I pray is not the reason you have put up with the bs till now so if you love her and you love your self you will put her in a place she will be safe he will not mean to hurt you but he will a drunk is not in control of his life so why are you letting him controlled your life and your mom s cut the cord

Unless you can move out on your own and place your mom in a nursing home I can't see anything getting any better. Your brother has it made living at home with mom since he has no rent or mortgage to worry about and he has two women he can boss around and exert his control over. He has it great living there.

He won't move so in order to change your living situation it's going to have to be you who makes a change.

You can call the police the next time he steals from you but that's liable to make your situation worse and your brother probably won't get into any trouble anyway. Hide your valuables or put a lock on your door.