I'm afraid my dad's dying, but I have a vacation planned.

I can't tell you how many vacations and trips we put off thinking my dad or my FIL would pass while we were gone. As it happened, we were with them both when they died. They were unaware of our presence, and we were glad we were there, but I know had we actually taken the trips--they would have been happy for us.

I'd say go on the trip. It's only a week or so--you cannot live the rest of your life waiting for your dad to die and the "what if" surrounding that. You have done all you can to this point, he's in good hands. Spend this time with family and try to leave the worries behind (do make sure the rest of the family can reach you.)

I would do what you think is right. No one has the right to judge adult children when they have placed their parent in a safe place where they are cared for.

I would check out travel insurance, just in case. I had traveled with a friend to Europe years ago and my friend's father died and she had to return home after only 3 days into our 10 day trip. She had gotten travel insurance, since her dad was sick when she left, and it paid off.

My 47 y.o. cousin had terminal cancer. We had a week's vacation planned with our children and my mother. She hadn't been away for a long time. My cousin's mother and mine were very close sisters. He passed two days into our vacation. What to do? My mother flew home but both she and my aunt told us to please give the children their vacation. I had seen him not long before. You've spent quality time with your father. Pray for him and go on your vacation. We never know the hour of death. Please don't feel guilty but treasure the memories that you had and the ones you will make with your granddaughter. You can share stories about your father's life with her, and keep it very special.

I try to live by the saying, I have no regrets. So if you will regret not being there for your father, then put the vacation off. There will be more time for vacations in your life. JMO

Dustein You can put Your mind at ease as You and Your two Brothers have done every thing possible for Your Dad, and He's being well cared for now by Hospice. Go and enjoy Your trip with Your Little Grandaughter and make beautiful new memories, as where ever You are You are only a phone call away. There is really nothing that You can do for Your Dad now, so prepare to pack and remember chin up and NO regrets. Have a fabulous time.

Hospice can give you a fairly good idea what time frame you are looking at.
Once someone stops eating and drinking the expected time can be up to 3 weeks, maybe a bit more. It depends on the person. But it could be a lot shorter.
As to what you SHOULD do....only you can make that decision.
What do you think your Dad would want you to do?
What would you want others to do if you were in your Dads place? Would you want them to continue on with vacation or be at your side.?
Will you 1 year, 2 years from now regret that you were not at his side?

You can purchase trip insurance now so that if you do have to change plans it will not cost you the entire amount that it cost for the tickets and reservations.
As wonderful as the Shed, the Field Museum are they will be there for many years. Your Dad won't. (did not mean that to sound like a guilt trip)
If possible talk to your Dad about it and see what insight he has on this dilemma, even talk to your Granddaughter about it and see what she has to say. Out of the mouths of babes as they say....

And I recently had this discussion with a family member of mine. They are planning a trip for mid November and Hospice has given my husband 3 weeks. I asked what I should do...Tell her when she is on her trip that he passed or wait until she comes back? I would not want them to cut the trip short, I also do not want to "ruin" a vacation for the little ones...--I was told that trip insurance will be purchased and if my husband is still here when the date of the trip comes they will cancel the trip.
But all in all this is a personal decision
No one will fault you for whatever decision you make.
Good luck, this is a tough time.

By the way you just have to go to Garfield Park Conservatory, much nicer than Lincoln Park Conservatory and best of all it is FREE! And ya gotta have Deep Dish Pizza.

Thank you Gladmere...for your post from the heart..and to Jeanie and Garden Artist for your thoughtful insites. All your posts have hit home...

Thank you Jeanie...that does help to hear that about your daughter and I'm so glad she was able to visit with her dad before he died.

oh, and he was never admitted to the hospital, since he's on Hospice. They are giving him the shots at the AL Facility. He's also not walking now, using the wheelchair to take himself to the bathroom and back to the chair and the bed. That's not good either...the fact that he can't stand to do more then transfer...

GardenArtist, I think that Hospice is only treating the Edema for Comfort. Dad was complaining of pain on his swollen arm and insisting that he go to the Hospital. They finally took him and they diagnosed a blood clot and called in the Hospice Dr. He's the one who ordered a daily shot for one week to help dissolve the clot and explained it was to help with the pain. They also put him on Lasics to help remove some of the fluid, also for comfort. At least that's what we were told.

The weeping is what I worry about. That means the arm is just not able to get rid of that fluid that is making his arm look like something out of a Popeye cartoon according to my sister in law. It's this that has me worried the most...that and the fact that he's not eating. How long can he live by just eating a few bites here and there. He's even given up drinking coffee and hes always been a coffee addict.

My grown kids and granddaughter do not, nor never had had, a relationship with my Dad. My daughter, though I raised her from 5 yrs old, is actually my step daughter. I married her father when she was five and we lived several states away from my parents. My parents were never part of our lives by their choice. They only twice came to visit my husband and I in the 35 yrs we've been married and that was only for a day or so when they were on the way to somewhere else in their RV after they retired. We only went to visit them shortly after we were married. I really only came to know my parents as adults as they got older and sicker...mom died in 2008 and the year proceeding her death I visited her many times to help her through her cancer and was with her when she died. Dad stayed with us for two months right after mom died, then with each brother for two months until he finally decided to settled in Ohio near my older brother. I've been back and forth to Ohio, then to Texas after he got sick and moved in with little brother, so have seen Dad more in the last 8 years after mom's death and then even more after he got sick, then I'd seen him in the 30 years before mom's illness.

It's not that we didn't care about each other as a family before that, it's that we all lived so split up around the Country and weren't much for "getting" together. We talked on the phone at holidays, sent cards back and forth and knew that we were all there for each other if and when the time ever came...and come it did, for both mom and dad. We three kids (Brother in Ohio, Brother in Texas and myself in NW Arkansas) have always been on the same page when it came to helping mom when she got sick and then helping dad.

However, when it comes to my non related family, it's not that they don't care,they just don't know my dad very well. It's only my niece, Dads only natural grandchild (my brother's daughter) who he's known for the last 3 years, and her two young children (his great grands) since he's lived with my brother and sis in law, who actually know and love him well.

That means that asking my step-daughter and husband and my precious granddaughter (the light of my life..the only baby I ever had and who've I helped raise from the day she was born) to give up their vacation that they've been so looking forward to (and who my son in law had to put in for weeks in advance) is not in the works. Which leaves me with the choice, Go with them to Chicago from NW Arkansas and hope that dad doesn't die in Texas while I'm gone so I can share this special trip with my one and only granddaughter, or stay home in case dad should die. There's just no way to visit dad and go to Chicago...they are too far in the opposite direction. I am totally torn and it hurts my heart. I guess I'm just going to have to see what the next couple of weeks bring...

You need to do what you can live with long-term.

Our daughter visited us for a couple of weeks from several states away. Her father enjoyed her visit. Several weeks after she left he went on hospice. She did not return then, nor did she come back for the memorial service. The entire family was perfectly OK with her decisions. I was really glad she had been here when her dad could most enjoy it.

You have recently visited your Dad and did him the great service of helping to find a suitable care center for him. To me, that is perhaps more important than being there the moment he dies. But that is a very personal decision.

I don't know where you live, but I can't imagine that you could simply "swing by" and visit your dad in Texas while you are on your way to Chicago. So I understand that this is an either/or decision.

I don't think there is a "right" answer to this question. Do what seems most appropriate to you ... and then DO NOT second-guess yourself. Make a decision and act accordingly.

I'm sorry to learn of this change in his situation.

It sounds as if your father has lymphedema, based on your description of the swelling. Not that everyone who has this will have the same outcome, but my aunt had this and was frustrated at trying to control it. It is difficult when the skin begins to weep from the retained fluid.

I mention this b/c it could affect his longevity. While my aunt did have treatment, including leg wraps which she said made her look like a hockey player with huge pads on their legs, the treatment wasn't able to control the edema. What we believe happened was that when her legs began weeping, bacteria from the leg wraps, or something ele, entered her system, she became septic, and died the same day she was admitted to the hospital.

I mention this not to frighten, but just to alert you to the possibility that there might be a sudden change in his status.

I am wondering though about the "treatment" of hospice for the edema. It's my understanding that someone in terminal stage wouldn't be given treatment other than palliative care. So perhaps I'm not understanding the whole situation. Do you know if the treatment is actually helping, and if it's hospice's goal to control the edema or just keep it from worsening?

I can only guess at the conflict you must feel. Besides the issue of the planned vacation, would you be taking your adult children and granddaughter to visit your father before he died? If so, perhaps you can add a "leg" to your journey and swing by to visit him before going on vacation. It might give you and those family members a sense of closure.

You could also ask yourself though, if he dies while you're on vacation, will you feel guilty? Can you handle this guilt? Many people could not. I couldn't.

Has there been any indication how long he'll live? Is there any consideration of removing him from hospice and returning him to a rehab or SNF?

If you think that your absence at a critical time might be more than you can handle, now or over time in the future, and/or that you're not available to support your family who are spending a lot of time with him, then I would try to be available. Perhaps you can get a refund on the tickets, or exchange them for future tickets.

I think there are 2 alternatives: spend time with him now and say your goodbyes now, then go on vacation, or reschedule the vacation. My personal feeling would that I'd reschedule. Vacations can be taken at any time, but being with someone's parent during his last days can't. Don't put yourself in a situation that you might regret.

I guess it boils down to which option is more important to you at this critical time in your father's life.

What would your dad want you to do when he was younger and healthy? You have planned the trip and it will be a memory with grandma in Chicago. Go! He may pass while you are gone, but that may not be the case either. Some dying wait until noone is there to let go.

You cannot be planning life around his death. You need to live your life. How far will it be to dad if you go? A day trip? A couple of hours? Relieve your guilt. If he is not eating or drinking much he may very well be gone before the trip happens.

Sorry, my return wasn't allowing me to tab down to start a new paragraph thus the lines. Thought it looked better then one giant long paragraph.