Follow
Share

I just spent 10 days in Texas where my father was living with my brother and sis in law. He is suffering from Congestive Heart Failure (CHF), COPD, Diabetes and Liver Failure. He has advanced Edema and three falls and weakness put him into the hospital. I went to help find a facility to place him in, as my bro and sis in law felt they could no longer care for his medical needs at home. We found a very nice place for him, had him moved there from the hospital and, on the advice of the hospital, put him on Hospice. I stayed with him until he was comfortable and he was OK with me going home. It's been two weeks, and he has gotten better since the hospital visit. My brother and sister in law go to see him nearly every day. However, Hospice tells me he's hardly eating and he's drinking very little. His edema is getting worse, his legs are full of fluid and he has an arm that's blown up like a balloon and weeping. Hospice is treating him for advanced edema and for a blood clot in his arm. He say's he's in no pain (hospice is taking care of that too) and that he really likes where he is at and the care he is getting. He has a private room and bathroom with his own little patio. It really is a nice place.


My question is this... I have a vacation planned Nov 2nd through the 8th. I am going with my grown children and 10 yr old granddaughter (her first trip) to one of my favorite places to visit, Chicago's Field Museum of Natural History and the Shed Aquarium and Planetarium on the Lake Michigan Waterfront. We took our daughter there for the first time when she was about my granddaugher's age and I've been looking forward to us taking our only granddaughter there when she was old enough. We have been planning this trip for months and tickets are bought and paid for. I'm worried though, that dad might be at deaths door by that time. What if hospice tells me his death is imminent? Or if I get a call on the way to Chicago? I would absolutely hate not being able to share this trip with my Granddaughter and see her excitement at seeing these great places for the first time. .... I would like to think that dad would tell me to go to Chicago...that I've done what I can do, but I wonder if I could live with the guilt if he dies and I could have been there. It's got me torn up inside, thinking about this. I'd very much appreciate your thoughts...

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

45 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
It is rare that family can be gathered around a deathbed when the end comes. Both of my parents died when no one was there. It's the way I'd rather die, rather being a living demonstration for all. It's the after-death and who is left to have help with grieving that matters. A widowed spouse? Small children? Then someone should be there to hold their hand. It would be far better to have memorial service later when family can schedule a visit. A week or two to help work out finances, clean house or apartment, help a grieving spouse plan what to do next, put flowers on the grave, would be preferable to a quick two day visit when the person dying is not aware of what is happening.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am having the exact same dilemma with my mother. We have an annual ski trip planned that we go on every single year and it is the highlight of our family. Mom is on hospice and not doing great. I will probably decide to stay with her since I am her main person and visit with her every single night. She has dementia pretty badly and would really not understand why am not there. Still I can't help it but to feel really sad and left out.  I've been caring for her for a long time but keep reminding myself that this is the end and there will be other ski trips. If she was in her right mind I am sure she would tell me to go but she is not and lacks that comprehension. So I guess I have come to my decision.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Whoops! Guess I'm a little behind!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I cancelled my Asia trip in April because hospice took over my husbands care and death seemed imminent. Now it's 7 months later and even though I'm glad my husband is better (I think, but that's a whole other story), it has occurred to me that this could go on for years. I want to be there if/when my husband passes but I also know that we can't predict when that will be. I have said what I've needed to say to my husband so many times. He knows how much I love him. He knows what he has meant to me and the difference he has made in my life. He knows how much I'll miss him but that I will be ok. Reading your post has helped me realize how much we need to go on with our lives. Yes, I'm quite sure your father would want you to go and I know my husband wants me to be happy. Give your dad a hug, tell him how much you love him, then go be with that grandbaby. They are what gets us through this.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Dustien - enjoy this time with your Dad. Make special memories with him if you can, and if you ever want to record his own memories for later, make sure you do it now, even if it's in bits and pieces when he recalls something and talks about it. I waited too long with my mom, and now she's gone. There are so many things I want to ask her, and can't. This will be our first holidays without her - I'm dreading them.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Dustien Glad you were able to go on your vacation and that father is still here. My father asked me how children do I have? I told him 4, he said no you have 5. I never thought or treated him like he was a child. He passed away Oct 1st. I will always treasure the time I had with him.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Susan, good analogy...dad's just like our child now and we do care and worry about him just as if it were so. Windytown, I'll be thinking of you and your FIL this Thanksgiving. ;-) I do hope this is a wonderful Thanksgiving for all of us caring for our loved ones.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
That's great news Dustien! Glad you had a great time and dad is still there for you. What a great blessing and respite! Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving with him. My FIL is on hospice and this will be his last Thanksgiving too. Will be thinking of you and all of us in the same boat.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Dustien, I'm glad you were able to take your vacation and return to find Dad still hanging in there. I know it was hard for you. They say caregiving is like having a child to care for all over again, and boy, is that ever true. Just like having a child, if you go on a trip and leave them behind with someone else, all you do is worry about them while you're gone, when you should be enjoying your time away.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Home from Vacation and had a great time! Dad was a good fellow and didn't die on me while I was gone. He even seems to be doing a bit better and is looking forward to Thanksgiving at his Assisted Living facility. We still have regular visits from his Hospice nurse, and still have the multiple health issues, any one of which could take him at any time, but he's not ready yet. He's a tough one. You go dad!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Canary, oh what a hard time that must have been. I'm glad your dad held on for brother though. I hope my dad holds on for me too..

Thanks Rascal12...true that tomorrows are never promised. I will be going...all is planned now. We leave on the afternoon of Nov 2nd and return on the 8th. Just a short trip. Dad's stable for now, so we'll see what happens.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
We had the same type of situation in my family when my father was ill with non-Hodgkins lymphoma years ago, and we were told that he could die at any time. My brother and his family had planned a three-week trip to Europe when they got the news--something very special for them. My father told them to go; he didn't want them to stay. Believe me, their parting was terribly emotional because they realized they probably wouldn't see each other again. As it so happens, Dad did not want to die when they were overseas; he wanted to spare them that. So he got an extra blood transfusion although he wasn't supposed to have any more; he was a doctor and wrote the order himself. That helped him hold on until my brother and his family returned, and, shortly after they returned, he died. It was love all around and so much sadness too. Sometimes life is SO hard.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Please go and have a wonderful memory-making trip with your family. Calling your dad with stories of the days will keep you in touch and let him know you are thinking of him and love him. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Oh thank you all so much. I've talked with my brother and sis in law and they said go as do many of you. I'm 8 hours away from dad as it is, so there's probably no way i could get there in time if they called and said he was dying anyway. I could probably catch a plane from there faster then I could drive from NW Arkansas to NE Texas anyway, so, as things stand now, I'm planning on going to Chicago.

I did buy trip insurance for my train ride, but goofed up on the hotel reservations. I swear it didn't say on booking.com that the hotel couldn't be cancelled until I booked it. I went back and checked so couldn't find it anywhere. So I would lose my portion of the hotel if I didn't take the trip. Bummer... Hopefully though, as many have mentioned, all might go well and dad might very well hang on till well after the trip. He's that ornery sometimes.

I know if I asked dad and he was in his right mind, he'd definitely say to go. He keeps talking about getting better though, so he doesn't know he's in as bad as shape as he really is so I don't want to ask him...

I do very much appreciate all your answers. I've got a week and a day to see how it all goes. I do know that every time the phone rings, I'm expecting bad news...and that's not fun at all. What helps is all of you, and knowing that you're all going through similiar or will be soon enough. Hugs to you all!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Take your vacation. Be sure your father knows what you are doing. I bet he wishes you a great trip.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I think "declining" is a code word for "really soon."

I could not have necessarily done anything different for my dad had I known that, and thank God we had already said all the important things. I was on call but had thrown a box of stuff in the care to drive to Pgh :just in case" and then when he got worse ("declining," said with a certain emphasis) and I got coverage after rounding, I headed out but only got a third of the way there when I got the call he was gone.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My elderly uncle and his wife were gifted with a cruise to Alaska by his children. His wife hesitated because her mother was in a nursing home, and what if she died while they were away?? Mind you, this was a cruise to Alaska for my uncle and his wife's 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. They were well into their 70's and this might be their last big fling! Stay home in case the 97 year old mother died? My uncle said, 'hell, the funeral parlor will refrigerate her in case she goes, we are going on this trip!' And they did. (the wife's mother lived on for another year and a half!)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It's a tough one, but I would go on the trip. There was a big wedding planned in August, my daughter and I were the only relatives on the groom's side who would be attending. The nursing home called and said my mom (who had dementia) was 'declining' two days before the wedding. She was in no pain, but her breathing was labored, she was not eating, and she was sleeping most of the day and night. They said she could last another week or month, or could die tomorrow. I asked everyone and the consensus was I should go on the trip to the wedding. (and I know my mother would have said the same thing). So I did, and she did pass away just when I had left town. I got to the hotel and my brother told me and my daughter mom had passed away. We had a short cry, decided to not tell the wedding party about it till we were going back in a day or so...My brother did contact my mother's nieces who belonged to her church, they lived out of town but gladly dropped everything and went up to the nursing home to sit at her side, and they weren't there for 20 hours when mom died. I had contacted the funeral home and they said they would pick up the body, nothing would be done on a weekend till we got back home, anyway. .....so, that's my story. If I had stayed with mom, she might have lived for another week. She might have died right away and I would have missed the wedding as it was the weekend. And everyone told me mom would have wanted me to go. I was torn. I called the nursing home before I left, and they said there was no change in her condition. Three hours later, she was just gone, just like that. But my cousins were with her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
If you are flying to Chicago, get travel insurance. That way, you can re-arrange your trip at a moment's notice and at least get your return ticket re-applied.
I appreciate your dilemma. Ten years ago, I felt guilty for taking a planned trip to another country when my husband was having a hard time recuperating from surgery. Today he's still here. Most probably, you will have a wonderful time with your granddaughter and heave a sigh of relief when you get home again that you have this wonderful memory -- and your father is still alive.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Do whatever you need to do. If you feel like you can, go on a once in a lifetime with your granddaughter. Get trip insurance in case at the last minute you get call telling you his death is expected in the next few hours. If it is, could you get there in a couple of hours anyway?
There is no way you can know you could be there for his passing anyway. My Aunt who I loved dearly passed so quick I couldn't get there in time and it was only one hour away.
You have done all you can for your dad. Have you talked to him about it? If he is on Hospice he knows he is dying. What are his thoughts?
My husband doesn't want to travel anymore because he is afraid he will die away from home. There is nothing seriously wrong with him. I told him not to worry, if he died, I would have him cremated and bring him home for burial. He still won't go. So I go. I love him, but I only have a few good years left and I am not going to bury myself at home because of what might happen.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I stopped reading all of the posts. Go on your vacation. You have been there for your dad. Many wait till they are alone and then pass. I truly hope my children would not hang by me and let life's joys pass waiting for me to die when I am already almost there. Especially if I am comfortable or with dementia. Let the people who did not visit before dad was at deaths door feel guilty. We have a similar dilemma coming in December and I am at peace. If mom dies while we are gone, matters will be taken care of when we return. I spend lots of time with her while she is alive and lucid-that's what counts. We will go through this again with my mother in law and I will feel the same way. Go, enjoy. Your daughter and granddaughter are more important than your mother right now.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I vote with Sunnygirl. Trip cancellation insurance. Collect a few cool items for Dad to bring back and send pix. Unless the docs and nurses can tell you they think it is really soon, and they usually can, you may not realistically be able to put everything else on hold in your life until then. And dad might not want you to in any event.

OTOH, it really is not an easy call at all. Serously, see what things look like Nov 1. Give yourself options. I was actually working during the weeks my Mom was actually in hospice, and at one point they thought it would be longer and arranged for a longer term residential program they had, and I might have been in your spot exactly. But she got worse pretty quickly right after that and I was blessed with family support to have someone with her all the time...she had said she did not want to die alone and since I had dragged her to live near us in Little Rock after being a Pgh girl all her life to make sure that did not happen, I was bound and determined. With the exception of one night when I was ill and hubby was not feeling so well himself, that we just trusted that it would not be that night.

Bless you for caring and here is a hope and a prayer that things look OK for you to go!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Too many long posts to read so if this has been said, I apologize. I have friends that had planned a vacation to Hawaii. Her father died during their 2 week vacation. She was told that the funeral home would keep her father until she got home and then she could have the funeral, which they did.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
It is difficult when to know or not if you should take that vacation. As for myself, one thing that I would have done differently is to not postphone vacations. That's what I did. I said "there is no way I can take a vacation; what happens if my mother turns ill." I was incorrect!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
This is my experience with my own father's passing. (Didn't want to make that last post any longer than it is!):

My own father with a heart condition was given two to seven years. Try to plan around that prognosis! Although we lived 3000 miles apart I saw him on my annual trip to Florida. We both knew it would be very unlikely that I would be there when he passed, but we enjoyed each other's company when I could spend several weeks there.

In 2004 my three brothers and I were all together with our parents for Thanksgiving for the first time in many years. My husband took the last photo of the six of us together. I never saw him again (my dad, not hubby!) but I cherish the memory of that gathering. He passed the following March while two of my brothers were visiting. I believe that he chose that time to go while my mother had the support of my brothers. (This was while she was still able to care for my father and before she needed to have someone with her 24/7, so she and my father were often alone at home.)

The interesting thing is that, although I had no guilt about not being there---and actually no one was, as he passed quietly in the night---the two brothers who were there did have feelings of guilt and regret. The day before they had asked Dad if he wanted to go out in the boat with them. (My parents lived on an inlet to a bay.) My father, a sea captain and avid fisherman, declined. He was just too weak and, unknown to my brothers at the time, literally on his way out. They lamented that they did not stay at the house to spend all of what turned out to be Dad's last day on earth with him.

An addendum to the above: I had to choose between a quick cross-country trip to view my father's body or make plans for an extended trip after his cremation. The former meant a brief visit, the latter meant I would be able to spend a few weeks visiting and supporting my mother. I chose the latter. I was also able to plan Dad's memorial service later on.

I guess the moral of this story, as well as my previous post, is to spend whatever quality time you can with loved ones while they live---and that includes children and grandchildren!---and don't trust any "plans" around their leaving.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Dustien, even if you cancel your trip and wait for that phone call, would you be able to get to his bedside in time? When my FIL was dying we got a call that he was given very little time, couple of weeks at the most. With four children in school and my husband working, any trip we planned had to be budgeted as to both time and money (Calif to Utah). If we went while he was still alive we would not be able to turn around a week later and go back for a funeral. Later that night when the phone rang at around 1:00 a.m. we knew that the decision had been made for us. So much for two more weeks.... A few years ago my husband was fortunate to arrive at his mother's bedside less than 24 hours before her death, so she passed through the veil with all three of her offspring at her side. (In her case it was kidney failure, so the doctors were able to pin her imminent death down to days instead of weeks or months.)

My daughter-in-law's great-aunt waited until my DIL's grandma (her sister, with whom she was very close) left on a trip and passed the next day. Years later that same grandma waited until her children and offspring had all visited in the hospital and passed after they left.

There is no predicting a loved one's time of departure, and indeed they may hang onto life until you are absent. There are stories of people leaving the bedside to have dinner and receiving the call that he or she is gone.

Here is my idea: Take pictures and short video clips of your vacation and send them with messages of love daily by phone or email to your brother to show your dad. He will know that you are thinking of him every day. It will also give him an opportunity to see and hear your granddaughter that he otherwise would not have.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Dustien- my reply is a little late and perhaps you've already made your decision. Well, actually from your first reply after your initial post, I'd say you had already made your decision. Perhaps you are looking for validation that you are making the right choice. From the other replies it seems to be a bit of a mixed bag but with the majority saying "go on vacation". Validation is all well and good and most of us need it from time to time - especially when the decision is a tough one. The problem is - that no matter how many people agree with you - it's really not going to matter when it gets right down to it and you are feeling guilty for whichever route you choose. This decision is yours alone - be sure it's one you can live with.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Talk with family members about this. See if they are ok with you going on vacation. You don't want bitter feelings after this is over.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Talk
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
In 1999, our 2 kids were in high school & our son was graduating in June 2000. We felt it might be our last vacation as a family for a while before they left for college. So in May 1999, we planned & paid for a European vacation for our family set in Feb. 2000. My Dad had been on dialysis for 4 years already, but by July 1999, was in & out of hospital on a monthly basis. I was conflicted & needed to make a decision before December to cancel the vacation in order to be refunded. I decided to cancel since my Dad's health was deteriorating quickly. Well in Feb 2000, it appeared my Dad had improved. No hospitalizations. I know hindsight is 20/20, but due to my decision based on emotional fear & speculation, we lost out on the opportunity to have made unique family memories. It is unrealistic to "plan" & stop our lives just in case death arrives while we are living ours. Canceling our trip had nothing to do with my Dad doing better in February.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter