I'm afraid my dad's dying, but I have a vacation planned.

Sorry, my return wasn't allowing me to tab down to start a new paragraph thus the lines. Thought it looked better then one giant long paragraph.

What would your dad want you to do when he was younger and healthy? You have planned the trip and it will be a memory with grandma in Chicago. Go! He may pass while you are gone, but that may not be the case either. Some dying wait until noone is there to let go.

You cannot be planning life around his death. You need to live your life. How far will it be to dad if you go? A day trip? A couple of hours? Relieve your guilt. If he is not eating or drinking much he may very well be gone before the trip happens.

I'm sorry to learn of this change in his situation.

It sounds as if your father has lymphedema, based on your description of the swelling. Not that everyone who has this will have the same outcome, but my aunt had this and was frustrated at trying to control it. It is difficult when the skin begins to weep from the retained fluid.

I mention this b/c it could affect his longevity. While my aunt did have treatment, including leg wraps which she said made her look like a hockey player with huge pads on their legs, the treatment wasn't able to control the edema. What we believe happened was that when her legs began weeping, bacteria from the leg wraps, or something ele, entered her system, she became septic, and died the same day she was admitted to the hospital.

I mention this not to frighten, but just to alert you to the possibility that there might be a sudden change in his status.

I am wondering though about the "treatment" of hospice for the edema. It's my understanding that someone in terminal stage wouldn't be given treatment other than palliative care. So perhaps I'm not understanding the whole situation. Do you know if the treatment is actually helping, and if it's hospice's goal to control the edema or just keep it from worsening?

I can only guess at the conflict you must feel. Besides the issue of the planned vacation, would you be taking your adult children and granddaughter to visit your father before he died? If so, perhaps you can add a "leg" to your journey and swing by to visit him before going on vacation. It might give you and those family members a sense of closure.

You could also ask yourself though, if he dies while you're on vacation, will you feel guilty? Can you handle this guilt? Many people could not. I couldn't.

Has there been any indication how long he'll live? Is there any consideration of removing him from hospice and returning him to a rehab or SNF?

If you think that your absence at a critical time might be more than you can handle, now or over time in the future, and/or that you're not available to support your family who are spending a lot of time with him, then I would try to be available. Perhaps you can get a refund on the tickets, or exchange them for future tickets.

I think there are 2 alternatives: spend time with him now and say your goodbyes now, then go on vacation, or reschedule the vacation. My personal feeling would that I'd reschedule. Vacations can be taken at any time, but being with someone's parent during his last days can't. Don't put yourself in a situation that you might regret.

I guess it boils down to which option is more important to you at this critical time in your father's life.

You need to do what you can live with long-term.

Our daughter visited us for a couple of weeks from several states away. Her father enjoyed her visit. Several weeks after she left he went on hospice. She did not return then, nor did she come back for the memorial service. The entire family was perfectly OK with her decisions. I was really glad she had been here when her dad could most enjoy it.

You have recently visited your Dad and did him the great service of helping to find a suitable care center for him. To me, that is perhaps more important than being there the moment he dies. But that is a very personal decision.

I don't know where you live, but I can't imagine that you could simply "swing by" and visit your dad in Texas while you are on your way to Chicago. So I understand that this is an either/or decision.

I don't think there is a "right" answer to this question. Do what seems most appropriate to you ... and then DO NOT second-guess yourself. Make a decision and act accordingly.

My grown kids and granddaughter do not, nor never had had, a relationship with my Dad. My daughter, though I raised her from 5 yrs old, is actually my step daughter. I married her father when she was five and we lived several states away from my parents. My parents were never part of our lives by their choice. They only twice came to visit my husband and I in the 35 yrs we've been married and that was only for a day or so when they were on the way to somewhere else in their RV after they retired. We only went to visit them shortly after we were married. I really only came to know my parents as adults as they got older and sicker...mom died in 2008 and the year proceeding her death I visited her many times to help her through her cancer and was with her when she died. Dad stayed with us for two months right after mom died, then with each brother for two months until he finally decided to settled in Ohio near my older brother. I've been back and forth to Ohio, then to Texas after he got sick and moved in with little brother, so have seen Dad more in the last 8 years after mom's death and then even more after he got sick, then I'd seen him in the 30 years before mom's illness.

It's not that we didn't care about each other as a family before that, it's that we all lived so split up around the Country and weren't much for "getting" together. We talked on the phone at holidays, sent cards back and forth and knew that we were all there for each other if and when the time ever came...and come it did, for both mom and dad. We three kids (Brother in Ohio, Brother in Texas and myself in NW Arkansas) have always been on the same page when it came to helping mom when she got sick and then helping dad.

However, when it comes to my non related family, it's not that they don't care,they just don't know my dad very well. It's only my niece, Dads only natural grandchild (my brother's daughter) who he's known for the last 3 years, and her two young children (his great grands) since he's lived with my brother and sis in law, who actually know and love him well.

That means that asking my step-daughter and husband and my precious granddaughter (the light of my life..the only baby I ever had and who've I helped raise from the day she was born) to give up their vacation that they've been so looking forward to (and who my son in law had to put in for weeks in advance) is not in the works. Which leaves me with the choice, Go with them to Chicago from NW Arkansas and hope that dad doesn't die in Texas while I'm gone so I can share this special trip with my one and only granddaughter, or stay home in case dad should die. There's just no way to visit dad and go to Chicago...they are too far in the opposite direction. I am totally torn and it hurts my heart. I guess I'm just going to have to see what the next couple of weeks bring...

GardenArtist, I think that Hospice is only treating the Edema for Comfort. Dad was complaining of pain on his swollen arm and insisting that he go to the Hospital. They finally took him and they diagnosed a blood clot and called in the Hospice Dr. He's the one who ordered a daily shot for one week to help dissolve the clot and explained it was to help with the pain. They also put him on Lasics to help remove some of the fluid, also for comfort. At least that's what we were told.

The weeping is what I worry about. That means the arm is just not able to get rid of that fluid that is making his arm look like something out of a Popeye cartoon according to my sister in law. It's this that has me worried the most...that and the fact that he's not eating. How long can he live by just eating a few bites here and there. He's even given up drinking coffee and hes always been a coffee addict.

oh, and he was never admitted to the hospital, since he's on Hospice. They are giving him the shots at the AL Facility. He's also not walking now, using the wheelchair to take himself to the bathroom and back to the chair and the bed. That's not good either...the fact that he can't stand to do more then transfer...

Thank you Jeanie...that does help to hear that about your daughter and I'm so glad she was able to visit with her dad before he died.

Thank you Gladmere...for your post from the heart..and to Jeanie and Garden Artist for your thoughtful insites. All your posts have hit home...

Hospice can give you a fairly good idea what time frame you are looking at.
Once someone stops eating and drinking the expected time can be up to 3 weeks, maybe a bit more. It depends on the person. But it could be a lot shorter.
As to what you SHOULD do....only you can make that decision.
What do you think your Dad would want you to do?
What would you want others to do if you were in your Dads place? Would you want them to continue on with vacation or be at your side.?
Will you 1 year, 2 years from now regret that you were not at his side?

You can purchase trip insurance now so that if you do have to change plans it will not cost you the entire amount that it cost for the tickets and reservations.
As wonderful as the Shed, the Field Museum are they will be there for many years. Your Dad won't. (did not mean that to sound like a guilt trip)
If possible talk to your Dad about it and see what insight he has on this dilemma, even talk to your Granddaughter about it and see what she has to say. Out of the mouths of babes as they say....

And I recently had this discussion with a family member of mine. They are planning a trip for mid November and Hospice has given my husband 3 weeks. I asked what I should do...Tell her when she is on her trip that he passed or wait until she comes back? I would not want them to cut the trip short, I also do not want to "ruin" a vacation for the little ones...--I was told that trip insurance will be purchased and if my husband is still here when the date of the trip comes they will cancel the trip.
But all in all this is a personal decision
No one will fault you for whatever decision you make.
Good luck, this is a tough time.

By the way you just have to go to Garfield Park Conservatory, much nicer than Lincoln Park Conservatory and best of all it is FREE! And ya gotta have Deep Dish Pizza.

Dustein You can put Your mind at ease as You and Your two Brothers have done every thing possible for Your Dad, and He's being well cared for now by Hospice. Go and enjoy Your trip with Your Little Grandaughter and make beautiful new memories, as where ever You are You are only a phone call away. There is really nothing that You can do for Your Dad now, so prepare to pack and remember chin up and NO regrets. Have a fabulous time.

I try to live by the saying, I have no regrets. So if you will regret not being there for your father, then put the vacation off. There will be more time for vacations in your life. JMO

My 47 y.o. cousin had terminal cancer. We had a week's vacation planned with our children and my mother. She hadn't been away for a long time. My cousin's mother and mine were very close sisters. He passed two days into our vacation. What to do? My mother flew home but both she and my aunt told us to please give the children their vacation. I had seen him not long before. You've spent quality time with your father. Pray for him and go on your vacation. We never know the hour of death. Please don't feel guilty but treasure the memories that you had and the ones you will make with your granddaughter. You can share stories about your father's life with her, and keep it very special.

I would do what you think is right. No one has the right to judge adult children when they have placed their parent in a safe place where they are cared for.

I would check out travel insurance, just in case. I had traveled with a friend to Europe years ago and my friend's father died and she had to return home after only 3 days into our 10 day trip. She had gotten travel insurance, since her dad was sick when she left, and it paid off.

I can't tell you how many vacations and trips we put off thinking my dad or my FIL would pass while we were gone. As it happened, we were with them both when they died. They were unaware of our presence, and we were glad we were there, but I know had we actually taken the trips--they would have been happy for us.

I'd say go on the trip. It's only a week or so--you cannot live the rest of your life waiting for your dad to die and the "what if" surrounding that. You have done all you can to this point, he's in good hands. Spend this time with family and try to leave the worries behind (do make sure the rest of the family can reach you.)

In 1999, our 2 kids were in high school & our son was graduating in June 2000. We felt it might be our last vacation as a family for a while before they left for college. So in May 1999, we planned & paid for a European vacation for our family set in Feb. 2000. My Dad had been on dialysis for 4 years already, but by July 1999, was in & out of hospital on a monthly basis. I was conflicted & needed to make a decision before December to cancel the vacation in order to be refunded. I decided to cancel since my Dad's health was deteriorating quickly. Well in Feb 2000, it appeared my Dad had improved. No hospitalizations. I know hindsight is 20/20, but due to my decision based on emotional fear & speculation, we lost out on the opportunity to have made unique family memories. It is unrealistic to "plan" & stop our lives just in case death arrives while we are living ours. Canceling our trip had nothing to do with my Dad doing better in February.

Talk

Talk with family members about this. See if they are ok with you going on vacation. You don't want bitter feelings after this is over.

Dustien- my reply is a little late and perhaps you've already made your decision. Well, actually from your first reply after your initial post, I'd say you had already made your decision. Perhaps you are looking for validation that you are making the right choice. From the other replies it seems to be a bit of a mixed bag but with the majority saying "go on vacation". Validation is all well and good and most of us need it from time to time - especially when the decision is a tough one. The problem is - that no matter how many people agree with you - it's really not going to matter when it gets right down to it and you are feeling guilty for whichever route you choose. This decision is yours alone - be sure it's one you can live with.

Dustien, even if you cancel your trip and wait for that phone call, would you be able to get to his bedside in time? When my FIL was dying we got a call that he was given very little time, couple of weeks at the most. With four children in school and my husband working, any trip we planned had to be budgeted as to both time and money (Calif to Utah). If we went while he was still alive we would not be able to turn around a week later and go back for a funeral. Later that night when the phone rang at around 1:00 a.m. we knew that the decision had been made for us. So much for two more weeks.... A few years ago my husband was fortunate to arrive at his mother's bedside less than 24 hours before her death, so she passed through the veil with all three of her offspring at her side. (In her case it was kidney failure, so the doctors were able to pin her imminent death down to days instead of weeks or months.)

My daughter-in-law's great-aunt waited until my DIL's grandma (her sister, with whom she was very close) left on a trip and passed the next day. Years later that same grandma waited until her children and offspring had all visited in the hospital and passed after they left.

There is no predicting a loved one's time of departure, and indeed they may hang onto life until you are absent. There are stories of people leaving the bedside to have dinner and receiving the call that he or she is gone.

Here is my idea: Take pictures and short video clips of your vacation and send them with messages of love daily by phone or email to your brother to show your dad. He will know that you are thinking of him every day. It will also give him an opportunity to see and hear your granddaughter that he otherwise would not have.

This is my experience with my own father's passing. (Didn't want to make that last post any longer than it is!):

My own father with a heart condition was given two to seven years. Try to plan around that prognosis! Although we lived 3000 miles apart I saw him on my annual trip to Florida. We both knew it would be very unlikely that I would be there when he passed, but we enjoyed each other's company when I could spend several weeks there.

In 2004 my three brothers and I were all together with our parents for Thanksgiving for the first time in many years. My husband took the last photo of the six of us together. I never saw him again (my dad, not hubby!) but I cherish the memory of that gathering. He passed the following March while two of my brothers were visiting. I believe that he chose that time to go while my mother had the support of my brothers. (This was while she was still able to care for my father and before she needed to have someone with her 24/7, so she and my father were often alone at home.)

The interesting thing is that, although I had no guilt about not being there---and actually no one was, as he passed quietly in the night---the two brothers who were there did have feelings of guilt and regret. The day before they had asked Dad if he wanted to go out in the boat with them. (My parents lived on an inlet to a bay.) My father, a sea captain and avid fisherman, declined. He was just too weak and, unknown to my brothers at the time, literally on his way out. They lamented that they did not stay at the house to spend all of what turned out to be Dad's last day on earth with him.

An addendum to the above: I had to choose between a quick cross-country trip to view my father's body or make plans for an extended trip after his cremation. The former meant a brief visit, the latter meant I would be able to spend a few weeks visiting and supporting my mother. I chose the latter. I was also able to plan Dad's memorial service later on.

I guess the moral of this story, as well as my previous post, is to spend whatever quality time you can with loved ones while they live---and that includes children and grandchildren!---and don't trust any "plans" around their leaving.

It is difficult when to know or not if you should take that vacation. As for myself, one thing that I would have done differently is to not postphone vacations. That's what I did. I said "there is no way I can take a vacation; what happens if my mother turns ill." I was incorrect!

Too many long posts to read so if this has been said, I apologize. I have friends that had planned a vacation to Hawaii. Her father died during their 2 week vacation. She was told that the funeral home would keep her father until she got home and then she could have the funeral, which they did.

I vote with Sunnygirl. Trip cancellation insurance. Collect a few cool items for Dad to bring back and send pix. Unless the docs and nurses can tell you they think it is really soon, and they usually can, you may not realistically be able to put everything else on hold in your life until then. And dad might not want you to in any event.

OTOH, it really is not an easy call at all. Serously, see what things look like Nov 1. Give yourself options. I was actually working during the weeks my Mom was actually in hospice, and at one point they thought it would be longer and arranged for a longer term residential program they had, and I might have been in your spot exactly. But she got worse pretty quickly right after that and I was blessed with family support to have someone with her all the time...she had said she did not want to die alone and since I had dragged her to live near us in Little Rock after being a Pgh girl all her life to make sure that did not happen, I was bound and determined. With the exception of one night when I was ill and hubby was not feeling so well himself, that we just trusted that it would not be that night.

Bless you for caring and here is a hope and a prayer that things look OK for you to go!

I stopped reading all of the posts. Go on your vacation. You have been there for your dad. Many wait till they are alone and then pass. I truly hope my children would not hang by me and let life's joys pass waiting for me to die when I am already almost there. Especially if I am comfortable or with dementia. Let the people who did not visit before dad was at deaths door feel guilty. We have a similar dilemma coming in December and I am at peace. If mom dies while we are gone, matters will be taken care of when we return. I spend lots of time with her while she is alive and lucid-that's what counts. We will go through this again with my mother in law and I will feel the same way. Go, enjoy. Your daughter and granddaughter are more important than your mother right now.

Do whatever you need to do. If you feel like you can, go on a once in a lifetime with your granddaughter. Get trip insurance in case at the last minute you get call telling you his death is expected in the next few hours. If it is, could you get there in a couple of hours anyway?
There is no way you can know you could be there for his passing anyway. My Aunt who I loved dearly passed so quick I couldn't get there in time and it was only one hour away.
You have done all you can for your dad. Have you talked to him about it? If he is on Hospice he knows he is dying. What are his thoughts?
My husband doesn't want to travel anymore because he is afraid he will die away from home. There is nothing seriously wrong with him. I told him not to worry, if he died, I would have him cremated and bring him home for burial. He still won't go. So I go. I love him, but I only have a few good years left and I am not going to bury myself at home because of what might happen.

If you are flying to Chicago, get travel insurance. That way, you can re-arrange your trip at a moment's notice and at least get your return ticket re-applied.
I appreciate your dilemma. Ten years ago, I felt guilty for taking a planned trip to another country when my husband was having a hard time recuperating from surgery. Today he's still here. Most probably, you will have a wonderful time with your granddaughter and heave a sigh of relief when you get home again that you have this wonderful memory -- and your father is still alive.

It's a tough one, but I would go on the trip. There was a big wedding planned in August, my daughter and I were the only relatives on the groom's side who would be attending. The nursing home called and said my mom (who had dementia) was 'declining' two days before the wedding. She was in no pain, but her breathing was labored, she was not eating, and she was sleeping most of the day and night. They said she could last another week or month, or could die tomorrow. I asked everyone and the consensus was I should go on the trip to the wedding. (and I know my mother would have said the same thing). So I did, and she did pass away just when I had left town. I got to the hotel and my brother told me and my daughter mom had passed away. We had a short cry, decided to not tell the wedding party about it till we were going back in a day or so...My brother did contact my mother's nieces who belonged to her church, they lived out of town but gladly dropped everything and went up to the nursing home to sit at her side, and they weren't there for 20 hours when mom died. I had contacted the funeral home and they said they would pick up the body, nothing would be done on a weekend till we got back home, anyway. .....so, that's my story. If I had stayed with mom, she might have lived for another week. She might have died right away and I would have missed the wedding as it was the weekend. And everyone told me mom would have wanted me to go. I was torn. I called the nursing home before I left, and they said there was no change in her condition. Three hours later, she was just gone, just like that. But my cousins were with her.

My elderly uncle and his wife were gifted with a cruise to Alaska by his children. His wife hesitated because her mother was in a nursing home, and what if she died while they were away?? Mind you, this was a cruise to Alaska for my uncle and his wife's 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. They were well into their 70's and this might be their last big fling! Stay home in case the 97 year old mother died? My uncle said, 'hell, the funeral parlor will refrigerate her in case she goes, we are going on this trip!' And they did. (the wife's mother lived on for another year and a half!)

I think "declining" is a code word for "really soon."

I could not have necessarily done anything different for my dad had I known that, and thank God we had already said all the important things. I was on call but had thrown a box of stuff in the care to drive to Pgh :just in case" and then when he got worse ("declining," said with a certain emphasis) and I got coverage after rounding, I headed out but only got a third of the way there when I got the call he was gone.