A very sensitive question, what does a caregiver do about sex?

wow you poor pathetic man - you have needs - they are going unfulfilled / reminds me of the 18 year old males who used to say the same thing - nothing ever changes even when your poor dear wife is barely there.

I sat here for a long time before saying anything. I think people who have not walked in the shoes of a person who has a spouse who is in a nursing home with Dementia shouldn’t give advice. Because if you haven’t you don’t understand and you certainly don’t know what you would do. I get very lonely and miss the life I once had. I hate his disease.

I am in the same boat. My husband had a stroke 5 years ago, was able to eventually walk and stay by himself until Oct last year. He now has stroke related dementia. I have had to place him in a nursing facility. Most of the time he doesn’t recognize me, certainly has no memory of anything of the past or our life together. When I visit there is no conversation or interaction. I placed him in hospice care about a month ago. He has had an addiction to porn our whole married life. He retired from a big company about 10 years ago. After 3 years informed me all our retirement was gone, he let his $800,000 life insurance policy go and left me owing over $50,000 in federal income tax among tons of other unpaid bills. All I had was my income and his SS to live on. When I finally got him approved for Medicaid they are taking all of his SS and $200 a month of my income for his care. I’m a Christian, been faithful our entire 45 yrs of marriage but I’m lonely and the depression of all this is killing me. Not sure where I stand or what’s right or wrong anymore. How am I supposed to feel???

I have found what we really seek is intimacy.
I have pd for10 years .It hasn't dulled my desire .Attitude can always adjust regardless the handicap.
The answer is what the average person would do if they were you.

I feel sorrow every time I read a post like this because I know what's coming. A lot of what you read in response is going to be "holier than thou" social rhetoric. For a supposedly "progressive society" we are very straight laced when it comes to anything sexual. American society is immensely fond of martyrs. We adore a "tragic romance". We love those "hallmark" moments of intense sacrificial love. The "till death do us part" chants ring loudly on sites like this. Heck, in some states adultery is still illegal and in virtually all states it can figure into divorce petitions in a negative way. On the other hand, it can also be illegal to have sexual relations of any kind with a spouse who is mentally unable to consent soooo LOL yeah, you simply can't win for losing.
What does a caregiver do about sex? A few do without sex entirely, some find a "friend with benefits", some just masturbate. Most don't talk about it, avoid the answer, or flat out lie about it in order to avoid harsh judgments. I hope you find your way through this maze of care-giving. In all my life I've never met that mythical sainted caregiving spouse everyone talks about. They seem to be everywhere online but in real life every care-giver I know is struggling with one issue or another. Hang in there! Bless you.

elainesc dont judge other people. Just because its not right for you doesn't mean its not right for someone else. Go to church and pray.

Understand the passages of life.
Sometimes, all your needs cannot be met, except by yourself.

Bringing in another partner can get you in a lot of trouble, when the female bonds to you, doesn't want to end it, and persuades you to leave your wife. It is not all about you.

I am going to say the following. When people become "anti-sex", it could be for any number of reasons, medical, physical, emotional, etc. If that happens, I do not believe the cuddling, and nice words, etc. are going to accomplish anything much. It may actually push them further away - so just be kind and pleasant and loving. However, as to your needs, keep your mouth shut and do whatever you personally can do to satisfy your needs - mechanical or with an outside partner. Just do it discreetly and don't let anyone know under any circumstances - then you may find some peace that you need. There are "partners" out there who would welcome this opportunity with no strings attached. Think of yourself first because no one else will.

You know how a few of us early in this conversation got a little carried away when someone mentioned sex doll and I said to get a sex robot.

I was listening to a program on artificial intelligence recently and it totally blows me away. So freakin fascinating! It’s already here and it will get more and more sophisticated. Get used to it. We will eventually have robots as caregivers too. Robots already do surgeries.

Think about the Chinese engineer who designed a robot to be his wife for a moment. He had a lovely wedding with friends and family. He takes her out to dinner. He programmed her to say a few phrases so she won’t get on his nerves by taking too much. He can have sex with her. She doesn’t go shopping and spend any money.
He is going to update her to do housekeeping chores! Wow! No divorce ever in his future, just reprogramming.

MaryKathleen,
damm ,
call me .. im kinkier than a labradoodle .

I get where your coming from. Lack of Sex from your partner/ spouse can ruin the relationship...It did for me...so I left my wife after 15 yrs...but 26 years later i have nothing to show for it..so dont go looking for a "friend with benefits"...Try offering different ideas..have you taken her to see her doctor?
Try the cuddle time ..touching caressing..kissing..through-out the day..every day...build up the romance..see if that lights a fire.You'll regret it if you look elsewhere...remember one day...the physical will be no more..but the emotional will remain.

Hi Paddy Daddy, Even with the sad circumstances, I have to say your post warmed my heart and gave me hope. Warmed my heart because you care enough for your partner to try to make things work, and gave me hope because I’m not much younger than you, and hope my sex life will go on for many years to come. I would suggest three things: 1) talk to your wife about trying some different things to make the thought of sex enjoyable for her (from a special meal with conversation and laughs, to a new lubricant that will help her comfort during sex. 2) take it slow and easy and stop if you have to, but you both may be too caught up on how fragile she is, when if you take your time, you’ll be fine 3) try what I call the lazy doggie position (basically doggie, but laying on your sides in a spooning position with her top leg raised a bit. There’s no pressure or exertion for either partner this way.) My best to you and your wife.

I have been pondering this question for a while....
First and most important ..What YOU decide to do is YOUR decision no one has a right to know your business.
Now the crux of the matter. Guilt.
IF you do seek a partner or "friends with benefits" will you feel guilty? When your wife does die will you continue the relationship you have started, or will this truly be a "benefit" relationship and not so much friend? (If that is the case there are ways you can pay for the "benefit" portion with NO emotional entanglement.

If your wife were in a facility and she did have the desire to begin a relationship with a fellow resident how would you feel? Would you feel betrayed? angry?

There are many cases in facilities where residents do become physical.
Being physical is extremely important.
Just the act of hugging, cuddling releases endorphins that make you feel better.

I completely understand the feelings.
My husband was ill for 12 years, he would hold my hand, he would kiss me good night, good by, hello but it was a kiss that was not like the kisses he gave me before. There was no physical contact, he would not hug, when he was verbal he would not say "I love you" and the last 5 years or so he was pretty much non verbal.
Did I miss what we had before ..you bet and I still do.
Did I ever consider a "friends with benefits" arrangement, no.
I have a friend that has and she does not regret it. I think the only thing that does hurt is she will not divorce her husband but she and her partner accept this. (her husband is now aware of the "FWB" situation)

I have not read all the responses to this or the replies to them just enough to know that this is a pretty raw subject and there seems to be no fence sitting when it comes to this topic. Might be one of the reasons so few bring it up.

So bottom line as far as I am concerned.
This is your business.
Do what is right for you
Do not feel guilty about the choice you make, and don't let someone make you feel guilty.
If you feel the need to talk to someone about this ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist.

By the way if you do decide to have a "FWB" moment protect yourself. And get tested periodically

I am there in the same situation. My wife of 30 years is repeatedly in the hospital or rehab. I have been her caregiver during her illness through many bouts the longest be for now was a year. When she was well our sex life was most enjoyable and sometimes I thought for our age outstanding. I managed to fairly easily weather the various illness caused droughts with no real problems. Now its been 4 years and it is certain there will be no repreve.

As I see it a spouse has three choices.
1. Divorce and throw them to the wolves.
2. Put on a robe and cowl learn abstinence.
3. Find and understand maybe even a knowledgeable and experienced partner and have any arrangement.

For me #1 is repugnant and I refuse to even consider it.
Number 2 will cause resentment eventually and most likely reduce the quality of my caregiving.
Number 3 means lots of guilt and discomfort and even possible disappointment and shame. But that's on me I will only have myself to blame cause me mostly to feel I need to make sure my caregiving is the best.

To paraphrase Spock: "I have a responsibility to my marriage to my wife. I am what I am, and If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.

I would focus on helping her and being the best partner for her. Seems sex would be the last thing on your mind right now. Sheesh.

PaddyDaddy,

Thank you for your courage in bringing up this topic. I am a bit surprised by the levels of judgment in several responses. You may be familiar with the term polyamory. This refers to the practice of consciously exploring non-monogamous relationships. In a circumstance like yours, this may be valuable to look into. There are multiple websites and various groups that provide the opportunity to openly and honestly discuss these perspectives. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex drive at age 65 (or 70 or 75 for that matter). As we age and continue to take care of our health, sexual desire is simply a normal aspect of who we are as human beings (in spite of the guilt, shame and condemnation often associated with it). From my perspective, since the deepest, most unconditional love involves placing the other's needs first, it seems a perfectly viable and loving alternative for your spouse to honor your needs and for you to find an intimate partner. It takes nothing away from your existing relationship; you obviously are deeply devoted to your wife; and, this option allows you to fulfill a legitimate need. Of course, I don't know the nature of your and your spouse's history, beliefs about sexuality, religious perspectives, and so forth. I know that I plan to have this discussion with my own partner, and fully expect that we will come to an agreement that, should either one of us become incapable of physical intimacy, that the other partner would be free to fill this need in a healthy and honest way. I wish you the best in this challenging situation, and hope that you will be able to remain unimpacted by the harsh judgements of those who would project their morality, insecurities and shame on you.

I want to thank everyone who has posted an answer to my post. Every one gave me something to consider. I will attempt to give a broad answer to some of the topics that were brought up. First the friend with benefits. I don't know how I would react if I went this route but if I did it would almost certainly be best if the lady was in my same predicament so we both would understand why we were doing what we were doing. But I certainly am not ruling this option out. The taking matters into my own hands. Believe me, it's starting to get old. Nothing replaces the human touch,sharing with another. That's what I miss so much, the sharing and being desired. And am I a sex addict? This made me chuckle because for 40 years that was our little private joke, I always told her she was my one addiction and I would never be able to kick the habit and she would giggle and smile a smug little smile loving the fact that I was addicted to her. And yes, we have discussed this and her honest feeling is that she doesn't want to think of me with another woman but she feels badly for my situation, so she's kind of in an emotional tug of war too. This is not easy for anyone.

So thank you to everyone for understanding that even at my age I still desire physical love and miss closeness and sharing that goes with it. I'm just a normal nice guy who is trying to find a way to deal with something that most people would rather not talk about.

Dear Paddy, Please don't let the Debbie Downers distress you. A hobby or a church or anything else can't take the place of physical need. I know. My husband can't perform anymore and his disease prevents him from even satisfying me in any way. I too feel the need every day. Sometimes, on a warm, sunny, afternoon when the morning's work is done I would love to have an "Afternoon Delight" and take a well earned nap. It doesn't happen for me either anymore. "Taking care of yourself" isn't the same as feeling loving hands and a warm body against you.

You asked a good question, I hope you can find YOUR answer, not someone elses. What does your wife say? If she wants to make love to you, perhaps her OBGYN can help with some ideas. As one writer put it, have you talked to her doctor about this? Maybe she isn't as delicate as you think her to be. Side by side love can be very wonderful.

If she isn't willing or physically able to accommodate you, you do have a problem. Could you have a "Friend with Benefits" and keep it to yourself? Your wife should not know. It will just harm your marriage. Can you do it without being emotionally entangled? Only you know the answer. If you do go this route, I strongly urge both of you to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases before deepening your friendship.

My heart goes out to you, and remember, you are not alone out there.

I know just how you feel.
find another in the same boat.
None of us our saints sinners or martyrs
Have fun

I am writing from the patients perspective and have addressed this issue in the past. I was diagnosed close to 3 1/2 yrs ago with Early onset Alz at the age of 57, as my DW and I had just undertaken the job of Estate Planning. My DW is 8 yrs younger than I am. We put everything in a Trust in my DW's name, I gave up ownership rights to all of our money and property, Medical Directives, DPOA, Pour Over Wills, funeral arrangements etc. We laid out the entire plan before our adult children, our youngest child is 12 yrs old. The Trust has its third birthday this week. No provisions have

I've explained to my DW that when the time comes for me to be put in Memory Care, I want to be placed 100 miles from where we live. I don't want her nor our children to feel they have to spend everyday visiting me. I want it to be inconvenient for them, so they'll be able to get on with their own lives. I won't know any differently. I've watched both a maternal uncle and my stepfather die from ALZ. I also told the children, let mom get on with life, find a friend with benefits who she can enjoy time with, like we have for the 25yrs we've been married and dating. I have declined significantly in the last 6 mos.
I still continue to do what I am able to do for the family, and the list is getting shorter. I want my DW and family to continue enjoying life and not look back, life is for the living. Life has been good to us, we've practiced our faith and practiced it since we began dating. We've had a great marriage, I don't want her to spend the rest of her life being lonely, she has a lot to offer another man. Why shouldn't she feel free to make a new life for herself.

Elaine,

I admire your conviction and your holding true to your beliefs. I really do. We are merely pointing out that there are going to be different opinions expressed. We are all entitled to our own opinions.

We can’t always agree. Geeeez, it is hard enough for people to agree on simple issues let alone complex issues like the OP has.

I just want to say that I hope we haven’t made you feel ‘singled out or picked on.’ I would never want you to feel that way.

It’s certainly acceptable for any of us to debate an issue. Sometimes in the end we have to agree to disagree.

When I met my 'soon to be' husband, he was 63 and in the same boat you're in and the same boat I'm now in.

He turned himself off and was faithful the last how many years.

When my DH turned 93 and started being afraid of having a heart attack, I did the same and turned myself off. Now he's gone and I don't know how to find another willing partner. I'm only 67 but I have no allusions to marriage, I'm just horny and don't want to buy a "BOB" (battery operated boyfriend) - so I can relate, even if I have no advice.

A well-meaning widower put me into "widow-lust" but he has no desire to take care of my needs. It is a quandary. Pity we don't live closer, lol, but I don't condone adultery even if I wouldn't mind being the other woman.

I'm 81. My wife has Alz. We've been married 56 years. Men of my age still have sexual needs periodically. I'm sure it's true of women also. I personally don't
condone extramarital affairs, even in this situation. If you do, fine. Let's be honest -
what's left? Unless you have the ability to totally control those desires the answer is self gratification. I don't like it and you may feel it's being unfaithful. Got a better solution? It's a struggle. One day I'll answer to God for it and He will be the judge, no one else. In the mean time I'll just try to minimize the need, pray and love my wife of whom I'm the sole caregiver.

Anyone whose too prudish to even try seeing things from this caregiver's perspective, please read this from poster's profile:
"I am 65 in good health. My wife has been diagnosed with ataxia, a degenerative neurological disease. She has great difficulty getting around even with a walker and needs help with bathroom, bedtime and meal time. I’ve pretty much lost my wife and partner and now have a roommate that takes almost all of my time. I was 19 when we got married and love her very much and I am glad I’m able to care for her. But it’s still so hard to not have a life any longer, especially since she’s only 63 and knowing this will be my life for the rest of my life. This is even harder mentally and emotionally than it is physically. I get depressed missing the things we did together. And our sex life doesn’t exist any longer due to her physical problems and her emotional lack of desire. I’m still healthy with a desire for sexual activity. A couple of her sisters try to give me a break if I ask but their lives are just as busy as everyone else’s so I feel guilty when I get to the breaking point and ask for some time off. We have 2 wonderful daughters but neither are able to help much because they’re out of state with busy jobs ( one is a doctor and the other is a high level staff member to a member of congress). Finances are not a problem at this time fortunately, but with the prices of in house care they could become a problem eventually if it comes to that. I feel guilty if I try to do something for myself and she’s stuck at home even if just for a short time. Grocery shopping has become almost something to look forward to. I do all household chores in addition to yard work and home maintenance so I’m burning the candle at both ends. I live sleep deprived."

These people on here talking about “sex workers” are trying to dress up the oldest profession in the world....prostitutes! If you pay “em, they are prostitutes. Simple as that. Don’t lower yourself to that level.

Elaine -
Cheating is dishonest i.e. done behind someone's back. I asked poster if he asked his wife the question. I did not suggest he be dishonest.

Im in your situation and i know just how you feel. My husband is in a nursing home with end stage dementia. I joined a support group and became friends with a man whose wife was also in a nursing home completely mentally incapacitated. We were both lonely. We became friends and eventually w/benefits. We are both devoted to our spouses but enjoy each other socially and sexually. His wife is still his first priority and that’s fine with me. We each must do whatever it takes to get by.

I don't believe you are asking for ways to get your wife interested because, from what you have described, her neurological disease has interfered with her libido. Have you asked your wife how she would feel if you sought the services of a reputable and "professional" woman? I would not get a "friend with benefits" because your wife will feel like you are cheating on her rather than just getting your physical needs met.

1. Take matters in hand as it were. Laying next to your wife while doing this could help her be part of it, if she wants to. You have to be willing to ask and accept her answer.
2. If that doesn't cut it, talk to your wife about what to do. You've been married 45 yrs. I would not be the least surprised that she might say something on the order of "Just don't tell me", meaning you find a professional sex worker and think of it like a doctors appointment. Not a lover. A sex worker. Big difference.

Reading replies on here saying it is okay to cheat on your wife is sad. If you’ve been married this long and still love your wife, find a hobby and like one said, you still have a right hand. You are wanting to abandon her because of sex at this stage?? I don’t mean you want to leave her but having sex with another woman while claiming to love your wife so much is still cheating and what would your wife think? Would you want her doing what you want to do? I would not cheat on my husband now for anything out of respect and 40 years of marriage. I am not reprimanding you. Just feel really bad for your wife because she is suffering more than your libido.