A very sensitive question, what does a caregiver do about sex?

When your mind is ready your hand is ready. :-)

My husband became impotent when I was in my mid 50’s. We found other ways. Now he is incontinent and mostly bedridden. Sex has been a no-go for many years. I love him very much. I just do without. Have you spoken to your wife’s doctor about this?

Sometimes viagra works for women too. However, this is probably the last thing she has on her mind. If she has dementia, she might not know it’s you & think she’s being raped. Just kiss her, caress her & tell her you love her. Do loving things...& always be sensitive.

Well, you can either deal with the situation you are facing with your beloved wife of 45 years, or you can go out and find a friend with benefits. There doesn't seem to be another answer, or anything WE here can tell you that would make it okay to go with choice #2. That would be a choice you would have to make and live with. If you feel justified in doing so, then go for it. If not, then do what CaregiverL suggests; kiss her, caress her and tell her you love her. Who knows? She may respond to you in a sexual way as a result of your affection one of these days!

Love is the main thing in a long term relationship, anyway, right? Sex is fun and everything, but the loving affection is what takes up the rest of the 23-1/2 hours in the day.

Best of luck!

Men in general have a much higher sex drive than women. That's why mostly men pay prostitutes for sex.

Paddy - you're in a difficult situation. What does your wife say when you discuss the subject with her? Is she able physically to engage in sex? Is she willing to talk to a sexologist?

Paddy,
I don't have any practical tips to offer, but I also won't offer judgement. To each his own, and who am I to judge? None of us asked for this journey and we are each finding our own way. You have obviously had an admirable relationship. 45 years is a marriage to be proud of. You recognized the sensitivity of this topic, and I can guarantee you that you are not the only one who has felt this way. Those brave enough to ask it on this site before have recieved a lot of opinions. Only you will be able to make this decision for yourself. Having to make constant, impactful caregiving decisions is hard enough without having to deal with the judgement from others.

Just my opinion....

I am in the same situation as you except I'm the one that can't have sex because of medical issues. Me and my husband have a very unique relationship. We've had an open marriage and relationship since we've met. Although with the way my medical issues are, he hasn't chosen to find anyone else, because he's worried about me and knows what his priority is - but he does have the permission to find someone. There are a few rules of course, but if it saves your marriage, then having a friend with benefits is not a bad idea. That's just my opinion and I know a lot of people won't agree with me and my lifestyle but when you love someone and you can find just one thing that keeps you with the one you truly love, I say talk to her about it...she might surprise you.

There is another option, not sure if available in the US yet. There are now very sophisticated sex robots that look and feel very realistic, and can even talk, too. I've seen some news articles that they are available in Japan and some other countries. I'm sure you can find more info on the internet. These sex robots are gaining popularity and acceptance, especially among single men.

Paddy, the way I look at this, what if the tables were turned, and you were the one who had the health problems, and your wife was taking care of you. Would you want her going out with other men? Just food for thought.

Oprah used to have a sex therapist on her afternoon show back in the day.
Dr. Laura Berman.
You might google her name and find helpful information.

Have you actually discussed this with her neurologist? Does she express her love with you in other ways?
Have you been told by a physician that sex would be dangerous for her?
Have you discussed this frankly with your wife? If she is depressed herself that alone may be reducing her desire to participate.
If you are making the assumptions you’ve mentioned without medical input, your doing yourself a disservice. And may be doing your wife a disservice too.
Get medical input. You may not be able to find the answers that you want, but you may be surprised to find other things you can do.
Just for starters, the idea that men are more sexually interested than women is by no means a fact.

Good luck with your research, and hoping you find some helpful information.

My husband travels to China periodically. His company has a manufacturing plant there. It is a fascinating place. Their lifestyle is very interesting.

It does make you wonder what will become common in the future. I am pretty sure the sex robots are fairly expensive. If they become mass produced the price will come down.

Your wife is very ill and no longer able to participate in sex. You need to think beyond your own physical needs now and think with your head and ask yourself why are you so sexually pre-occupied. You sound like you are addicted to sex and need a lot of it. You sound like you are on the verge of finding a sexual partner and you are wanting affirmation to go ahead. Sorry, I think that's a revolting idea! Have you ever considered you are a sex addict? Your anger bothers me.. as it shows me you are not thinking straight. What to do with your raging sexual appetite... Maybe talk to your doctor? Definitely seek counselling too. Maybe look into Sex Addicts Anonymous for group support. You can't recover from whatever ailes you with MORE SEX!!! You will just make your life 1000 times worse if you go and get it somewhere else. Wake up!

You need to figure out why your sexual intimacy needs are so unusually high, rather than trying to satiate the desire. Addictive behaviors are never satiated anyway, only ever temporarily satisfied. Investigate what genuine need is being masked by compulsive sex addiction.

BTW, I'm 50 year old male.

Dear Paddy, I can understand that your dear wife is not really concerned about sex, and I don’t think there is much point in talking about it. It isn’t about logic. Most women (and most of us on this site are women) really do have a lower sex drive than men at this age, but still care about making their man happy. That very often means going through with the act, even if it’s not actually top of my/her list. I’m not sure why you think you might physically hurt her. I’d suggest that you just take the initiative. Use a lot of vaginal lubricant on both of you, lie on your sides, get yourself good and ready, and at the end see how far you can get – even if it doesn’t count as penetration, it will still be real physical intimacy. Then have a special treat ready for both of you, even if it’s only a warm wash and soft towel followed by special icecream, so that there is a little celebration for both of you. Tell her how happy she has made you. Don’t cry, please, and don’t take any notice of some of the nasty comments.

PS If you click on Care Topics on the top RHS of the screen, you get an alphabet. Click on S (for sex), and then scroll down until you hit S for Sex. There are 6 articles, 32 questions and 3 discussions – and I hope they are more helpful than what you’ve got here!

My answer will be the unpopular one, but I am realistic. You sound like you just have a stong healthy sex drive. I don't think you are addicted to sex; I do think that you miss having that closeness wirh your wife.

Look sex does not only help and is important is a relationship, but it is also very important to our physical and emotional over all health.

Sex is very different with men vs woman. With men it can be just physical, but with woman the brain will release a hormone that will make a woman cling to a man; however this is not always the case.

I for one think if you can get this part of your life under control (satify) then you could take care of your wife and yourself better.

Whether you use a sex robot or find a "friend with benfits" you are going to feel bad about yourself. Don't!!! Couples who have sex twice a week have fewer heart attacks, are less depression, have strong muscles and bones and even are mentally sharper than those who don't!

Maybe find someone who you could have a little fun with once or twice a month with...no string attach and make sure you are totally up front that you love your wife and have no plans on leaving her...oh you might want to see what the wife thinks of this idea before you make any plans...if she is capable! Talk to your wife's Dr.

I do know couples that have done this and it worked out for them; I also know of couples who ended up in diverse...think long and hard about this...this decision can cost you everything!

Good luck!

I think it would be a really good idea if you and your wife went to marriage counseling together, it doesn't need to be a sexual health Dr, just a 3rd part where you can discuss your feelings openly and in a controlled environment, and allow your both of feelings to be heard, without putting undue pressure on one another, and that way she will hear that this is not an unusual situation at all, but a very common one, and the counselor will help the both of you come up with some ideas of how to achieve mutual understanding and satisfaction in this situation.

BTW, as a long married woman myself, I believe that married couples often get "out of sync" in their sex live due to a whole host of reasons, ie; stress, depression, CAREGIVING, sleep issues, dissatisfaction, cheating, hormones and menopause, health issues, Prostate problems, and a Million More! In fact most long term couples reach a crossroads over this at some point in their marriage, you are being proactive in looking into this, being extremely sensitive about it, and that is Admirable in my book! Good luck, I hope you find some good answers in this, and do share, as we all would be lying if we said that we haven't come up against this problem ourselves, and we all learn from one another, and especially on this topic, which we all have/will face at some point.

Please don't listen to answers that don't help you in any way! On a forum such as this, it is very hard to truly feel and understand the Written word, without the emotions behind the words. It is a great topic and one that needs discussion.

Paddy, what you're feeling is so natural. I think you already know all the options here. Only you have the answer that will work for yourself. If you need someone to say having an affair is an acceptable solution, you're the only one that knows whether you can live with that or not. I have dear friends who are in a serious relationship as his wife has been in the non-communicative stage of Alzheimer's for years. Yes, he suffers from guilt, but also has something to look forward to. He's a WONDERFUL caregiver to his wife, going beyond anything I can imagine being able to do! But his wife will never recover. So he allows himself to live as much as possible. If you choose to go outside of your marriage for intimacy, my one caution would be to never, ever let your wife know. If you feel guilty, you must bear it alone. Confessing to your wife will not benefit either of you. I wish you the very best whatever you decide.

gmnpxl-best solution.

gmnpxl-best solution....there are many times over a long marriage when we had to take things "into our own hands" so to speak. Sounds like it's that time for you.

If you have someone in mind who would be willing to participate in a free "friends with benefits", there could be some unanticipated, undiscussed complications of attachment and commitment.

Look, I'll make this simple so it doesn't get misconstrued.

Male sexual libido when quite high can be intense. I presume though you are a decent moral man and know that sex with your wife is out of the question given the circumstances, as is being unfaithful. So given this difficult life situation your only option is to channel that energy into personal development.

There may be many ways to go about helping your situation, and talking to a professional will help you both to get your feelings out on the table to discuss them, without bringing emotions into it. There could be careful positions, and lots of ways to bring the intimacy you so miss back into your life that you haven't thought about yet.

I don't believe that you are a sex addict, not by anything you mentioned here anyway, you just miss that special bonding moments that many people face when illness gets in the way, and it does go both ways.

Maybe your wife doesn't truly understand just how much you miss your bonding time, or maybe things get misconstrued when you do talk about it because of your sadness, your anger or your fear of hurting her or her feelings, I know that you don't want to make her feel guilty about it, and this is where a non biased counselor will be of some help, listening to both sides and giving you some exercises, homework to help you to come up with ideas on how to mutually improve your sexual relationship.

Sex therapists do recommend sex workers in certain situations. May be an option in this case. I wouldn’t keep it a secret. I would discuss it with your wife.

You would feel guilty. She would feel rejected and hurt, possibly angry if she found out.

This would be a ‘safe’ option because they are tested.

It is the best answer yet mymomisold problem solved!!! Best of both worlds!!

You are not alone! I am a 61 yo woman with an extremely high sex drive. I need more than my 78 yo hubby can give or could give even 10 years ago so we stopped having sex back then. To be honest, I would rather have none than have what was pushed on me...I have remained faithful for our 38 years of marriage, but lately since our relationship has changed to me being more of his caregiver and him becoming more possessive and controlling, my need to have outside companionship and yes, sex, stays on my mind. So how at 61 do I meet new people and...am I still desirable to the opposite sex? I have even went so far as to talk to my son and daughter about this to see what judgements I would be facing from them. Theirs are the only judgments I really care about. I cant talk to him about it, mainly because I dont want to hurt his feelings...but his physical weaknesses and my lack of sexual desire for him doesnt define our love and lifetime commitment for each other. I now find myself back in social situations, by myself, that increase my ability to find a friend with benefits and am dealing with the guilt of even thinking about it...but it would be so nice to be able to go to a show with a companion that isnt blind and could share the experience, or take me out dancing before I lose my knees (I already get shots in them for arthritis)., or to take me out to dinner without me having to feed him. Some times I wonder if because he went blind, did I? Or because he in impotent, am I? Or am I still allowed to enjoy what life has to offer? or am I supposed to die when he does? I totally understand and its tough to face the emotional sadness that comes from losing little bits and pieces of a deep love like we shared with our partners. I look at myself and my situation, and tell myself that I am desirable and a good catch. For one, Im not looking for a permanent relationship, I don’t want to bear no ones babies, I have my own income and assets, own my own home and car, I am highly educated and have been very successful in my life. I have my own life and responsibilities, so I would not be a needy, whining, clingy girlfriend. I am a mature woman with needs that are unfulfilled. Sometimes you have to take a good look at who you are and build yourself up to realize that your life is still worth living and maybe you can become desirable to another. Good luck...if you lived close we could go take in dinner and a movie...lol

This is such a "touchy" subject as you can see by everyone's responses.  There is a wide range of sexual "need" in people ranging from non existent... to wanting it  daily.  You have to do what you can live with.  I don't know if you are a religious man or not, but I doubt you are going to find a church that says it's ok.  Not sure why I felt the need to point that out but...  There are others who have chimed into this site with a similar dilemma.  There was a woman was 23 yrs younger than her husband and was lonely because her husband was now 88 and she was his caregiver and the intimacy and companionship that she had with him as husband and wife were gone.  She was only 65 and still had a lot of life to live.  Too bad the two of you can't connect...situationally it looks like it would be a good match.

Reading replies on here saying it is okay to cheat on your wife is sad. If you’ve been married this long and still love your wife, find a hobby and like one said, you still have a right hand. You are wanting to abandon her because of sex at this stage?? I don’t mean you want to leave her but having sex with another woman while claiming to love your wife so much is still cheating and what would your wife think? Would you want her doing what you want to do? I would not cheat on my husband now for anything out of respect and 40 years of marriage. I am not reprimanding you. Just feel really bad for your wife because she is suffering more than your libido.

1. Take matters in hand as it were. Laying next to your wife while doing this could help her be part of it, if she wants to. You have to be willing to ask and accept her answer.
2. If that doesn't cut it, talk to your wife about what to do. You've been married 45 yrs. I would not be the least surprised that she might say something on the order of "Just don't tell me", meaning you find a professional sex worker and think of it like a doctors appointment. Not a lover. A sex worker. Big difference.

I don't believe you are asking for ways to get your wife interested because, from what you have described, her neurological disease has interfered with her libido. Have you asked your wife how she would feel if you sought the services of a reputable and "professional" woman? I would not get a "friend with benefits" because your wife will feel like you are cheating on her rather than just getting your physical needs met.