I am 65 and have been married to my wife for 45 years. We always had a very good sex life. She now has a neurological disease that has completely taken away her sex drive and has made her so physically frail that sex would actually cause me fear of seriously hurting her. I am so sad and depressed because this disease has robbed me of my partner and my lover. I am still in good health and good shape and still have a strong desire for physical intimacy. I have talked about this with her and it usually just ends with me in tears because in the end she just has no desire any longer which takes away from any enjoyment I would get if anything ever would happen. I have read articles that say snuggle more, hold hands or other types of activities for physical closeness. But to be blunt, I need good old fashioned sex and I'm so depressed and even angry after being celibate for so long. How do I get past this? I cannot imagine living the rest of my life this way and yet there is no way out. I have been faithful for our entire marriage but now sometimes wish I could find a "friend with benefits". That's how fed up I'm getting. My wife is still the love of my life and I'm just so torn. Something has to give somewhere. I can't be the only one with this problem so if anyone has any advice please share it with me.
Which I did, while working full time. I never wanted to be a caregiver again. Two years after he passed away my guy got sick. There are many similarities in caring for a spouse and a parent. Both are stressful and hard. But, when caring for my father I had an outlet of my guy. We dated and had sex, laughed, enjoyed each other. The physical task of caring for my father was much greater, but I have struggled with the emotional with my guy more because it has robbed so much of what my life should be. Those outlets have disappeared and been replaced by a man that I barely know due to his anger (at least this year, the first couple years he was too ill do deal with the emotional aspects of what he was going through).
These are two very different types of care giving and take different tolls on you. At least in my experience.
I stand by my statement that taking care of a spouse is uniquely different and it is clear that those who propose that it is not have no clue of what you speak.
I am sorry to have trouble the waters it is clear to me now that this board has been taken over by a click that that suffers no different view.
Just another example of the true rudeness that is so prevalent in today's society.
You can hardly go to a movie anymore that people talk through it or text and so on. I see little difference between that and what is going on here.
There was talk about striking a nerve I see and raise you your replies. Read your own with an open mind because there is plenty there to see.
It usually doesn’t serve people well to either jump to conclusions or be judgmental and insulting. You’re reading more into the situation than it is. Is there a reason why you have taken things so personally? Just wondering.
If you don’t like the forum no one is forcing you to stay. Take a break if you desire or leave all together.
If you do want a forum to speak with we are here. We can all treat each other with respect and live in harmony even if we don’t agree with each other on everything. That’s actually impossible for everyone to agree on all topics. Sometimes two people can’t even decide what to have for dinner!
People have different points of view and that’s perfectly fine. There is no one size fits all.
I am going to politely ask that you go back and read your own posts with an open mind. I think you may be surprised how you are coming across to others.
I have had 3 affairs with various results. The first was good, but with a guy that wanted a girlfriend, when he found one, we stopped. This was a good set up. We liked each other as people, sex was good, and was the only expectation.
The second was a psycho, that pretty much cured me for 1 1/2 years, was not anywhere worth the trouble. This is where I say be careful with you who have one with. The ending (my decision) was very messy in fact he reached out to my guy about 3 months later and tried to cause issues. This was a major problem for me because one of the main things I never want to do is hurt my guy. The third, I just started about a month ago. It is a person that I know, knows the situation. They stated their interest in doing so several months ago, but it took me quite awhile to make up my mind on it. So far, so good. For me it provides a release. Both physical, but also mental. Something positive to look forward to. To make you feel human again.
I know many feel this type of thing is taboo, but I just feel that we are human and do that best that we can with what we are given. What are the alternatives? Not have an affair and be asexual forever? No thanks. Leave my guy? Well, where would he go? He can't work, can't dress himself, can't take himself to his billion doctor appointments, doesn't have family to care for him...Nope. So, I choose option #3. We just do the best we can do...
Thanks for this honest response. I am quite sure many people have had affairs because they have been in a situation like you. They just aren’t talking about it. There is no reason for them to. They are smart to keep their mouth shut!
You had an affair for what you considered a valid reason for you. Do you really need anyone to approve? No, you don’t.
Did you want to hurt your guy? Absolutely not. Does it have the potential for hurting someone. Sure, that’s why people don’t tell unless they are consumed with guilt. Sometimes others tell if they know. I would never tell a spouse of someone if I knew of an affair. It’s not my business. I wouldn’t want to hurt someone and I don’t know their personal life. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, right?
You’re being as smart as you can be. There are always risks. I am glad you found someone if you are being fulfilled and have found some joy.
I wish you well.
PaddyDaddy
Oct 1, 2019
I want to thank everyone who has posted an answer to my post. Every one gave me something to consider. I will attempt to give a broad answer to some of the topics that were brought up. First the friend with benefits. I don't know how I would react if I went this route but if I did it would almost certainly be best if the lady was in my same predicament so we both would understand why we were doing what we were doing. But I certainly am not ruling this option out. The taking matters into my own hands. Believe me, it's starting to get old. Nothing replaces the human touch,sharing with another. That's what I miss so much, the sharing and being desired. And am I a sex addict? This made me chuckle because for 40 years that was our little private joke, I always told her she was my one addiction and I would never be able to kick the habit and she would giggle and smile a smug little smile loving the fact that I was addicted to her. And yes, we have discussed this and her honest feeling is that she doesn't want to think of me with another woman but she feels badly for my situation, so she's kind of in an emotional tug of war too. This is not easy for anyone.
So thank you to everyone for understanding that even at my age I still desire physical love and miss closeness and sharing that goes with it. I'm just a normal nice guy who is trying to find a way to deal with something that most people would rather not talk about.
Helpful Answer (23)
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You are obviously a very angry man who needs lots of help with the issues you are facing. I am sorry for your pain and anguish, but please do not take your problems out on US.
WE will be here for years to come. Best of luck to you finding peace on your journey.
Someone resurrected an older thread that the OP had already stepped away from.
The thread just hung around without the original poster. The synopsis basically is that many people have suggested to the OP to seek comfort but to use discretion. A few do not morally agree and cautioned the OP to remain faithful to his wife.
The OP loved his wife and was struggling and was seeking out help. He is most likely more confused than ever with the array of responses or he has someone and isn’t telling or decided to remain true. Your guess is as good as mine. I don’t have a clue, nor is it any of my business.
If you care to share we are happy to hear your take on the topic.
As to the OP being missing I myself have asked question and if he is like me you patiently wait for answer and then follow up with questions.
Considering the reception his question received I wouldn'd blame him if he never came back.
I have never seen such a total lack of help and empathy on a help group toward a fellow member who is clearly in the midst of a heart wrenching situation and is asking for help in my life. He would have received better had he been thrown into a den of hyenas with a steak tied around his neck.
I see a short future for this group as with so many attempts to create a useful forum this group too will eventually be taken over by a handful of members as their on personal sandbox make the forum useless for all but the click members.
How do you follow the subject being discussed when the thread is being used a a message chat board window?
Maybe someone could suggest that a chit chat board be added to the forum.
I am pointing this out not to make people mad but to stop the de-legitimize of questions asked, answers given and the OP's intent and search for answers with such unrelated chit chat.
They poke and push and needle and prod until they get us to BLOW up, and then they've won and can play The Victim again, and we are the Bad Guys. My mother did that exact thing to me a few weeks ago and I wound up yelling at her too. Poor thing that she is, huh? My DH has invented a code word which he will speak now when things are heading south. The rule is when he says the Code Word, I immediately shut up and then we leave. That way, WE win because she doesnt get me to BLOW up! Yay. Exhausting b.s. especially at 62 years old huh?
I enjoy reading your posts as well. I get your situation with your mom and gambling. I know an elderly woman who does what your mom does. She’s not quite as old as your mom. Her daughter is just about my age. She lives in the upstairs unit of her daughter’s condo. This woman lives to gamble. If anyone ask her to do anything else she says no but let me tell you, if someone mentions gambling she’s ready to go!
I am friends with her daughter. Her daughter has given up on her. She’s so nasty to her daughter and would have everyone believe that her daughter doesn’t care about her. Her daughter has been very generous with her. She cooks for her. She takes her shopping. She takes her to her doctor appointments and so forth. She’s smart enough not to let her move in the downstairs unit with her. Her mom is lucky and can manage going up and down the stairs.
The mother will spend the whole day and night in the casino. Once I told the mom to go to the senior center because some of the people play cards for fun, they have lunch, do crafts, etc. she responded by saying she did not want to be around those boring old people! She’s 80 herself. She thinks she is 21! Oh, and if she wins, like a fool she plays it back or acts like a show off and gives a lot of it away. She thinks these people in the casino are her ‘friends.’ They only want her money. It’s sad.
I would consider looking outside the marriage, but if you decide to do that there’s a lot you have to think about - not the least of which whether you can handle the potential emotional baggage that may come with scratching an itch.
You know how you meant what you said. That is what is most important. You can try to explain if you like but no one sees facial expressions or hears the tone of a voice so misunderstandings occur at times. Some people just aren’t open to a different point of view. I love reading your posts.
Your posts and everyone’s posts are important. We can live in harmony. I say live and let live as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else. Some people get an impression in their mind of who they think a person is and no matter what is said they most likely won’t change their mind. Others realize. Good for them. We have all misunderstood and have been misunderstood.
Sometimes people have to agree to disagree and respect people who think or feel differently than they do. I would be bored to tears if all of my friends were a clone of myself.
My husband and I are polar opposites in many ways but we agree on what is important to us. That’s all that matters. We actually balance each other and we are never bored. Variety is the spice of life! We don’t insult each other for having a different view. Do we get on each other’s nerves sometimes? You bet! Don’t all husbands and wives? We are no different in that regard.
Same with friends. I know their strengths and weaknesses and they know mine. My best friend is just like my husband!
There is no way in hell she will let me load her dishwasher. Hahaha. Every dish has to be lined up perfectly! Just like my engineer husband! Best friend is an accountant! That is just how they are. Very organized with loading a dishwasher!
Me? Eh, as long as dishes are loaded and get clean, so what? I’m carefree, definitely more chill about the dishwasher than they are.
When I am at her house I will help her serve drinks, food, anything but the freakin dishwasher! LOL.
She felt like everyone was born to be a caregiver to their parents or spouse. I told her that not everyone felt like they were born to be a caregiver. Yeah, it was an interesting post, for sure.
But that's the way it is, funny how people completely understand the loneliness of a person whose life mate jumps up and runs out on them, but can be so ugly about it when your life mate's body and mind does such leaving you with a battered, often sick and empty shell.
You have spend years together and most of what you have done, experienced and made of that life which you shared equally both good and bad and you made it through because of that mutual support.
Your spouse was your safe harbor when the storms of life came howling and now that that port is closed you have nowhere to go and no place to seek shelter.
I also go back to a point I have made over and over again spouse care-giving has completely different dynamic. Funny how people like to point out marriage vows and such to support their ridge view, but completely ignore that vast portions of the framework that makes a marriage stand and work have been ripped away.
If a neighbor's house has half of it ripped away by a storm do you expect him to live in it? If he repairs it it most likely it is not going to look the same or he may have to tear it down and completely rebuild, do you berate him for the changes he is force to make?
Finally if you lose your Mom or Dad yes it is hard, but to 'lose' your spouse you've lost part of yourself and only a someone who is or has been married can ever understand that.
I agree that it is harder losing somebody while they are living rather than through death or even divorce. But it is equally to see a parent or a child who used to be happy and dynamic turn into a bedridden shell.
It must also be difficult having to take on caring duties when for decades you thought it was something other people did. From childhood I saw female relatives give up their lives to care for elders. These are the women who got me into line when my own parents got sick and made sure I was there to do what was right. I am still here now 30 something years later trying to do what's right in between getting through college years ago and now trying to hold down a job and manage day to day life. Or what is life as I know it. Those who have been married and have or had intimate relationships might not think my existence is a life. I did get to do some dating but every one of them bailed when they saw the extent of my family duties. All they wanted was a good time.
You talk about a spouse being a safe haven. Well some people have to deal with things alone all their lives because they never had a chance to meet a partner or spouse and find a safe haven. Would you prefer that sort of life than a married life where a partner gets sick in later years?
Between people mocking and condemning the OP, and the one guy calling others names because they offer suggestions he doesn't agree with....
...I don't need to waste my time reading angry posts.
Paddy, do what you want. You don't need anyone's permission, agreement or approval, and no one needs to know what you choose to do.
I am sorry but taking care of your mom, dad or even a child is granted the same hard selfless and often thankless work, but it is not the same experience as those of us who take care of a spouse. Caring for for a spouse any way you look at has dynamics that are completely different.
You have NEVER experienced the intimacy between a man and a woman and especially that between spouses that have been together for decades! You have no idea what the loss of that intimacy does to people. Your attempts to comment on a subject that you are clearly completely ignorant of are making you look like heartless idiots you are.
This is one reason why if I saw a friend’s spouse with someone else I would not tell the person anything. I don’t know their personal arrangement with each other and it is none of my business. I don’t have an interest in knowing those personal details. That is between them only as far as I am concerned.
Plus people always want to kill the messenger. You could end up losing a good friend. I know some people would want to know and want someone to tell them. I realize some people would feel obligated to tell their friend. I just don’t think that I could. To each his own.
In this case, I realize the OP does not say his spouse has instructed him to do so. Still, it’s none of my business so I would not judge. Also I have not walked in his shoes to know how it feels.
If someone feels that they could never do this to a spouse. I understand that too. I admire people who are true to their convictions.
Or if a person would not want to know if someone has been unfaithful I get that too. Some of my friends have confided in me that they would rather not know if their spouse cheated. Another reason I would not tell! It’s complicated. It’s not as black and white as some people make it out to be.
If a spouse finds out and forgives them. Who the hell am I to feel differently about them? If they are forgiven by the person that they hurt that’s what counts for the most. I can’t judge like that. Just let it go.
Being lonely is real. Regardless of being married or not the OP is very lonely. Being lonely can lead to depression too.
I don’t think I would marry again either if my husband died. Boyfriend would be different. I agree.
My friend who divorced after many years said that she is not about to marry again because she did not want to be anyone’s caregiver. She is 70. She says she wouldn’t dream of taking care of an old man! She doesn’t even date.
She is so funny though. I just love laughing with her. She’s a retired nurse. She’s always talking about the good looking doctors that worked at the hospital. She has NEVER looked her age!
One day she was talking about her grown son. The doctor said to her, “You don’t look like you are old enough to have a son that age.” She responded by telling him that she had him as a teenager, that she was young and these things happen and so forth. It was a lie! She didn’t even marry until after she graduated college. She did not want the handsome doctor to know her age! She cracks me up! Her nurse friends in the operating room thought she was crazy! They asked her why she would say those things. She is so vain! She’s just so quirky too. She said to her fellow nurses, “Oh, just let me have fun! What do I care if he thinks I had my son as a teenager. He thinks I am years younger than I actually am!”
She wasn’t a caregiver to her parents. Unfortunately her mom died unexpectedly, her father kind of lost his mind after her mom died.
He became sick and she and her sister decided to place him in a facility. They both were raising children and had full time jobs.
To each his own. Some people fall in love at an advanced age and are happy to marry again. I don’t think it would be for me. My friend would never marry again! She says once around the track is enough for her! LOL