A friend's husband abandoned her years ago. He called her to say he has lung cancer and asked her to pick him up from the airport. Advice?

Bless you, for trying to help your friend out of a situation she should never have put herself in. Are they still married? In some states that makes her the responsible party, especially if he's put his address the same as hers. She should immediately go to the business office at the hospital, tell everyone possible that she is NOT responsible for ANY bills what-so-ever, that will be associated with him. Stress to everyone she will not accept any mail - don't matter what kind- that is delivered anywhere with his name on it. Especially her home address. If possible, try like hell to get this in writing - even if she has to write it out herself. Hospitals have notaries on staff, so get it notarized, handwritten or not. Then call his next of kin, cousin, sister, SOMEONE, to pick him up. DO NOT LET HIM RETURN TO HER HOME.m

I think what you have done for him so far by letting him settle temporarily is more than enough. I hope if he has been released from the hospital that you did not allow him back in your sister's home. It is sad he has no one but the best thing for all concerned is to refuse to pick him up at the hospital. The hospital will have to find a home to take him. If he truly has nothing, he should be covered by Medicaid and his Social Security in most any state. After he is settled and if he behaves with your friend on visits, you could choose to continue visiting and perhaps do some little things for him. That would be a great kindness considering how he has treated your friend in the past. God bless and let us know how it turns out. Take care!

Yes, this post is now over 2 weeks old. Would be nice to know what decision was made.

Since the OP has not returned, I think we need to stop posting to this thread.

The poster has not come back to update.

If she is not divorced, she needs to do that as soon as possible. That would protect her from financial responsibility. I see two different issues here..1) financial responsibility and 2) moral responsibility/obligation. The laws in your state should tell her her financial obligation with him - if she is still married…and her own sense of moral obligation toward caring for him should guide her on whether she wants to care for him during his illness. I personally would divorce ASAP and he would be on his own…as he has been apparently for years.

She contacts the hospital and tells caseworker/social worker there that he will need to be placed in NH if he meets that criteria by dr order. She can explain her sister allowed him to stay at her home for a short while, but he can not return there. Or have the sister call the hospital. Hospital needs to know his previous home was a van. Hosp and doctor need to help 'their' patient with the living arrangement for him when released from hospital - the can start with rehab to get the paperwork going for nh care. Wife/exwife can just get out gracefully by saying she doesnt even have a home of her own - relies on a sister - so unable to offer any shelter to the guy.

If he has any children or relatives at all - contact all of them and let them know he needs some help. You can give that contact info to the hosp and dr, as well. If hospital happens to call her/her sister when time for discharge, you tell them to call other family members because he has no residence with her.

I would just hang up. Or say "you've got the wrong number". I'm suddenly feeling a little better about my ex. That's at least one thing he didn't do to me.

Find your friend a therapist!

Regardless of what she decides to do, she will need therapy.

If she decides to take him back, she needs to set the condition that he attends couples therapy.

If she never divorced, she also needs an attorney. Death is expensive in America and she may be responsible for the medical bills as his wife.

This will be hard no matter what.
It might be unspeakable hard.
Help her build the network she will need to get her thru it

Please come back and tell us how this works out. You just got to love the nerve of some people. TG my ex didn't turn to my daughter for help. She probably would have given it even though he never had anything to do with her. He died alone, his choice. My friend's ex was different. He called their daughter after years of estrangement wanting to have a relationship, saying he was dying. Daughter's reaction, Oh Well.

Refuse to accept him when it comes to his being discharged. Hand the problem to the State, and make the hospital deal with it. He is nothing to do with your friend or her sister and they should put the responsibility onto the State.

Yes, definitely talk with the lawyer ASAP. Abandonment used to be a cause for a divorce if he was gone for seven years or more?

Imho, the answer is very clear as this man is STILL abusive to your friend; she does not have to pick him up from the airport - or any other place.

She may have had compassion for him as a human being but is smart enough to know that he can’t come back to live with her.

People take taxis or Ubers if no one is there to pick them up. Let’s hope he doesn’t return to her house. I totally agree with NotGoodEnough and Geaton. She needs to speak with her divorce attorney ASAP!

What a sad situation for her to be in.

Leave him where he is and don't pick him up. Use caller ID and don't answer calls from him. No is a good word to practice too if he dose manage to contact her. As for being responsible for his debt I don't know. Other's will have to answer that. Maybe she should get a fast divorce so more cost can be added on?

Your friend should have some confidential meetings with social services worker at the hospital her husband is at. She should make it clear that he abandoned her and that he is responsible for his debts. She should also let social work know that he will not be coming into her and her sister's home. The social services department will work to find him a place to stay - most likely a rehab/nursing facility that takes Medicaid clients. Social services will him apply for Medicaid.

Most of all - your friend should see a lawyer to make sure she will be free of any responsibilities to her estranged husband - legal separation and/or divorce.

The hospital and his doctors probably already have her contact information from the appointments she's been taking him to. So saying, "Don't let the hospital know who she is" is a moot point. Is she legally divorced from him? If not, she is his legal spouse and MAY be "financially" responsible for him. If I were her, I'd be consulting a divorce attorney forthwith.

At this point, wolflover451 response is correct. She should contact the social worker/ discharge coordinator at the hospital ASAP, explain her situation and tell them she cannot care for him under any circumstances. She should feel NO guilt whatsoever for an abuser who abandoned her. Why she agreed to "pick him up from the airport" in the first place is beyond me. HER sister (with whom she lives) states she is "not willing to let him stay in her home." Case closed. Inform the hospital of that and they will have to find other arrangements for him as he cannot safely be discharged if he cannot care for himself. If he can care for himself, then it's up to him to find a place to stay. Does he have family members on his side? If he's abusive, I doubt they want anything to do with him either. Again, she should consult with a divorce attorney. She should have done that years before when he abandoned her.

Do not respond. Don’t let hospital know who she is.
She does need to file something stating their “relationship”.

Just a thought, he did not consider his wedding vows when he left her high and dry. So I don't see where any agency should feel she owes him anything now, years later.

I really see no problem here. Just say NO. Love it when they are sick and maybe dying and they think the ex should care for them. I have seen many a spouse walk away when things get tough. The law doesn't tell them they have to come back and care for the sick spouse. So I don't see why anyone in their right mind would expect an estranged spouse to do anything.

did they ever get divorced? all she has to say is "sorry" but I can't do anything at this time and you will have to find someone else to take care of you. She also needs to let the hospital know that he CANNOT come to where she is living because it is not her place nor can she handle him. Does he have other family that would take care of him.....if not, then the hospital will have to find some NH to take him. She should contact an elder attorney for some advice as to how to protect herself, especially IF they never divorced. wishing her luck.

She tells the facility where he is now - she cannot and will not take care of him and that is it. Under no circumstances, no matter what, should she take this man or do anything for him. He made his bed - what happens now is HIS problem.

“Click”.

She has no legal responsibility to care for him and should not take any. She should not take him in to live with her and since it is her sister’s home he has no rights to live there. She should consult with a lawyer about protecting herself financially since she is still married to thus jerk and consider pursuing a divorce ASAP since he abandoned the marriage.

In my state of FL, before a discharge from the hospital, there is a social worker that helps with discharge arrangements, such as returning home or going to a rehab/nursing facility. I think most hospitals have social workers but you may need to ask. If you have this service too, I'd tell the friend that she needs to let the social worker know that he has nowhere to go upon discharge. The social worker can find him a placement at a nursing facility or rehab facility. Since they're estranged, she shouldn't be responsible for him.

Rugh away, your friend needs to let him know that under no circumstances will he be able to come there and he will have to go to a Nursing Home.

Also, I would call the Hospital and tell them that he has no one to care for him and she is not able to and tell the Hospital to make arrangements for a Nursing Home for him.

She should keep her distance, not answer any calls from him.
Probably see a lawyer advised by the lawyer thinks she could be tied to any of his current/future debts. Maybe officially disolve the marriage or be advised if the length of time can support that.
The guy has no one because he is abusive and now he has to live with his consequences. Harsh but he was harsh. She has a heart and he will take from her again. These situations never go well. The sooner she cuts communication in all ways the better.

Don't.

I’d tell him, I’ve arranged a member from our local church to come pick you up and take where you have arranged. I’m living with a relative and do not have the ability to accommodate your housing needs. I’m sorry you are going through a bad time. End!

Give him a link to AirBNB website or the number for Social Services.
Don’t answer his calls and don’t open the door.
Straight up narcissist, who needs it?

Simple remedy. Assume no responsibility. He is not allowed to use your address or phone and turn responsibility over to hospital social worker.

ITRR,

You are right. If the abandoned wife and SIL start asking questions with social workers that's admitting to having taken some responsibility for him. They shouldn't do it. Once social workers and social services get a bit like that between their teeth, they'll use all the tactics available to them to make these people take him back.
They will promise all kinds of help and support which no one ever gets. They will even make threats about them having a legal responsibility to care for him and how they can get in trouble if they don't.
It's all a big crock and these women should not go asking around with social workers.