A friend's husband abandoned her years ago. He called her to say he has lung cancer and asked her to pick him up from the airport. Advice?

Have to ask why no divorce..but that is water under the bridge.
When it comes to discharging him both your friend and her sister HAVE to say that they can not care for him. He is not their responsibility. If they are asked to pick him they are to refuse.
I hope your friend did not sign any paperwork indicating that she is responsible in any way for this man.
It will be up to the Social Worker to find a facility for him and work on getting Medicaid started if he already does not have Medicaid.

If they are still legally married, then she should get herself to a divorce attorney ASAP and begin proceedings to formally dissolve the marriage. It should be fairly easy if he abandoned her, most states have a divorce provision for that very thing. Hopefully they haven't been continuing to file their taxes together all this time, which might muddy the financial waters, so to speak...

If she lives under her sister's roof, then that's pretty easy, considering it's not her home in which to invite him, and her sister certainly has no legal obligation to take him in.

Where has he been living all of this time? That's his legal residence, not with his estranged wife. Her mistake was to allow him to come to live with her and her sister in the first place, even for the short term; it has put the idea in his head that she's willing to take him back and nurse him through his illness.

Any calls she gets regarding his future care should just be answered with a simple "He does not live here, he lives (his address); he only stayed with me a short while to coordinate his hospital stay. I don't know what his plans for his after care is; we have been separated for (XXX) years and I have no plans to get back together with him to undertake his care."

But the divorce should go through, to keep any creditors from being able to attach any debt he incurs from his caretaking as "marital debt."

Abuser is not living there and she is not responsible for him. Don't let his mail come to your house either it could establish residency.

Yas she needs to file for divorce based on abandonment. Might be able to get one of those non profit lawyers to do it for free.

Even if the OP and sister both call the hospital to say not to discharge him to her house, it still seems like he would be capable of getting himself an Uber and show up there, since he is of sound mind. I don't know what happens next, but I would not allow him into the house. Refer him to a weekly rate hotel or call a charity or contact social services for advice and after that stop answering his calls. I would actually call social services right away to see what the options are, if any, so that you are not blind-sided and having to make decisions in a panic.

If sister gets any mail with his name on it, she should not open it, but write "Not living at this address, return to sender" and put it back in the mailbox. Wishing you much wisdom and success in getting a final divorce.

Personally I think this situation calls for contacting a divorce attorney immediately for initial advice specifically regarding the discharge, even if she has to pay for it. This would be the most air-tight pathway forward.

I would recommend telling your friend to call him and tell him to not come back to her sisters, he is not welcome as he has overstayed his VISIT.

Then if he shows up at the door to tell him that he is not welcome and he is trespassing and needs to leave now. If he doesn't call the police.

Hopefully, she has been filling taxes that reflect their separated status. This will be her proof that they were not cohabiting as husband and wife and in fact were separated.

Tell her that she is no longer his doormat and she should not lay down for his abuse. So what he has cancer. He didn't care about her well-being all these years. He walked away from any rights to her help in his hour of need. This is what social services was created for.

Sister needs to be the one to inform the Social Worker now that the man cannot return to her home. Explaining he was a guest and has worn out his welcome. That she is caring for a sister and refuses to care for a virtual stranger. Tell them not to allow them to intimidate her. Its Sisters home and not your friends. The Social Worker can call Social Services and get him a room at a motel until further accommodations can be found for him. He will get vouchers for food. If he needs home care it can be done at the motel room. If he goes to rehab, they need to do a "safe discharge". If needed, he can become a ward of the State. Tell your friend to except no responsibility for him. He left her high and dry without a backward glance. She is not obligated to care for him. To me their marriage ended when he walked out of the door. She just should have just done something about it legally years ago. Even now she may want to put an ad in the paper saying she cannot be held legally responsible for any debts he incurs.

I suggest she consult with a lawyer. She may not even need the husbands signature to divorce him since he walked out on her. If money is a problem, then call Office of Aging and see if they have a number for Legal Aid.

Tell friend and Sister do not allow him into the house. If he has personal property there, pack it up and drop it off at the hospital or rehab. Have a receipt ready "I ______ have dropped off all personal belongings to ________ Hospital/rehab for _________ on this date _______. Sign and then have the person receiving the pkg/suitcase sign too. Make sure his name is on the box or tag on his suitcase and a room # if possible.

I personally would not have picked him up. I would have said sorry.
They did a good deed and now maybe punished for it. Your friend owed him nothing.

How does a van one is living in become uninhabitable? Genuinely curious.

I'd be touching base ASAP with hospital staff/discharge person to make the situation known, and if funds are available would definitely invest in the opinion of a certified elder law attorney. As much as I have been unhappy with some of the care we've received via hospice, it might be a helpful resource. I suspect it is possible that he is feeling frightened and alone and wants what little comes close to being his "family" to be around. wishing all the best....

The more I think about this situation, the more concerned I am growing, not so much about your friend, but about your friend's sister, who will be the REAL loser if your friend agrees to allow her ex to move in during his convalescence: because if your friend is not in good health - as you mentioned - then it's going to become her sister's s**t-show when she ends up having to take care of BOTH of them, especially once he HAS established residency and refuses to leave.

Your friend has to have NOTHING more to do with this man; not even make phone calls on his behalf, because each thing that she does for him just further cements it in everyone's minds that she is willing to take on responsibility for his care taking. If not for her sake, then for her sister's!

Catch a Taxi Mate!

To wherewhere you like.
I won't be picking you up.
You can't come to my place.
Number blocked.
End of.

Harsh but fair.

If he begins pushing her, or harassing her to accommodate him, she can request that a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) be issued by the local Circuit Court.  She should also file for divorce, and ask for  permanent restraining order.   That'll keep him away, as he could be subject to police removal if he violates the order.

Her sister also has a right to refuse him to move in.    If he does push the issue of moving in, she too could file for injunctive relief.  

IMHO, injunctions are the most thorough and legal way to keep him away from the sisters.

Are they actually divorced? If not then she's his next of kin. Either way though she's not responsible to be his caregiver or provide him with a place to live. She lives at her sister's house and the sister has no obligation to him.
If your friend and her sister are letting him stay with them, that's their choice. If they tolerate him being verbally abusive, once again their choice. Neither of them have to do anything for the guy.
If it was me, I wouldn't even have picked him up at the airport.

If they are not married or are legally divorced and she had not co signed a loan for him she has no responsibilities for any debts he incurs. Her sister doesn't have to let him stay her home. In fact, even all the particulars in this case she should not have him stay in her residence.

If I were your friend, I would contact the social worker at the hospital and advise them he can not be discharged to her sister's residence. If they think they will try (as has occasionally occurred) to drop him off, advise them that two calls will be made one to the police depart and the other to the local news station.

Personally, I would have run like a track star the other way and would never have allowed him back but that is me. I don't like getting burned twice.

It seems they're still married and depending upon state rules there could possibly be some legal issues. Other than that this plain and simple is NOT her concern and his phone calls should be ignored. First and foremost how can she bring someone into a home that is not hers? Secondly, how can she care for someone when she's elderly and ailing herself. The answer is absolutely NO! He needs to call his family members and/or whoever he's spent his life with when he abandoned her. Also get the divorce that should have happened years ago so she can be free of all legal obligations providing there are any at this point. Or give power of attorney to someone who cares and she needs to take care of herself in the time she has left. However, my best answer to any and everyone is always: DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO because ultimately that is what you're going to do. Be blessed.

ITRR,

You are right. If the abandoned wife and SIL start asking questions with social workers that's admitting to having taken some responsibility for him. They shouldn't do it. Once social workers and social services get a bit like that between their teeth, they'll use all the tactics available to them to make these people take him back.
They will promise all kinds of help and support which no one ever gets. They will even make threats about them having a legal responsibility to care for him and how they can get in trouble if they don't.
It's all a big crock and these women should not go asking around with social workers.

Simple remedy. Assume no responsibility. He is not allowed to use your address or phone and turn responsibility over to hospital social worker.

Give him a link to AirBNB website or the number for Social Services.
Don’t answer his calls and don’t open the door.
Straight up narcissist, who needs it?

I’d tell him, I’ve arranged a member from our local church to come pick you up and take where you have arranged. I’m living with a relative and do not have the ability to accommodate your housing needs. I’m sorry you are going through a bad time. End!

Don't.

She should keep her distance, not answer any calls from him.
Probably see a lawyer advised by the lawyer thinks she could be tied to any of his current/future debts. Maybe officially disolve the marriage or be advised if the length of time can support that.
The guy has no one because he is abusive and now he has to live with his consequences. Harsh but he was harsh. She has a heart and he will take from her again. These situations never go well. The sooner she cuts communication in all ways the better.

Rugh away, your friend needs to let him know that under no circumstances will he be able to come there and he will have to go to a Nursing Home.

Also, I would call the Hospital and tell them that he has no one to care for him and she is not able to and tell the Hospital to make arrangements for a Nursing Home for him.

In my state of FL, before a discharge from the hospital, there is a social worker that helps with discharge arrangements, such as returning home or going to a rehab/nursing facility. I think most hospitals have social workers but you may need to ask. If you have this service too, I'd tell the friend that she needs to let the social worker know that he has nowhere to go upon discharge. The social worker can find him a placement at a nursing facility or rehab facility. Since they're estranged, she shouldn't be responsible for him.

She has no legal responsibility to care for him and should not take any. She should not take him in to live with her and since it is her sister’s home he has no rights to live there. She should consult with a lawyer about protecting herself financially since she is still married to thus jerk and consider pursuing a divorce ASAP since he abandoned the marriage.

“Click”.

She tells the facility where he is now - she cannot and will not take care of him and that is it. Under no circumstances, no matter what, should she take this man or do anything for him. He made his bed - what happens now is HIS problem.

did they ever get divorced? all she has to say is "sorry" but I can't do anything at this time and you will have to find someone else to take care of you. She also needs to let the hospital know that he CANNOT come to where she is living because it is not her place nor can she handle him. Does he have other family that would take care of him.....if not, then the hospital will have to find some NH to take him. She should contact an elder attorney for some advice as to how to protect herself, especially IF they never divorced. wishing her luck.

Just a thought, he did not consider his wedding vows when he left her high and dry. So I don't see where any agency should feel she owes him anything now, years later.

I really see no problem here. Just say NO. Love it when they are sick and maybe dying and they think the ex should care for them. I have seen many a spouse walk away when things get tough. The law doesn't tell them they have to come back and care for the sick spouse. So I don't see why anyone in their right mind would expect an estranged spouse to do anything.

Do not respond. Don’t let hospital know who she is.
She does need to file something stating their “relationship”.

The hospital and his doctors probably already have her contact information from the appointments she's been taking him to. So saying, "Don't let the hospital know who she is" is a moot point. Is she legally divorced from him? If not, she is his legal spouse and MAY be "financially" responsible for him. If I were her, I'd be consulting a divorce attorney forthwith.

At this point, wolflover451 response is correct. She should contact the social worker/ discharge coordinator at the hospital ASAP, explain her situation and tell them she cannot care for him under any circumstances. She should feel NO guilt whatsoever for an abuser who abandoned her. Why she agreed to "pick him up from the airport" in the first place is beyond me. HER sister (with whom she lives) states she is "not willing to let him stay in her home." Case closed. Inform the hospital of that and they will have to find other arrangements for him as he cannot safely be discharged if he cannot care for himself. If he can care for himself, then it's up to him to find a place to stay. Does he have family members on his side? If he's abusive, I doubt they want anything to do with him either. Again, she should consult with a divorce attorney. She should have done that years before when he abandoned her.

Your friend should have some confidential meetings with social services worker at the hospital her husband is at. She should make it clear that he abandoned her and that he is responsible for his debts. She should also let social work know that he will not be coming into her and her sister's home. The social services department will work to find him a place to stay - most likely a rehab/nursing facility that takes Medicaid clients. Social services will him apply for Medicaid.

Most of all - your friend should see a lawyer to make sure she will be free of any responsibilities to her estranged husband - legal separation and/or divorce.