Follow
Share

It would be fine if he hadn't had several minor strokes in recent years, is struggling with undiagnosed cognitive decline (which is obvious to my brother and I, but his doctor seems to think that so long as he knows who the current president is, he's fine -- this year he wired thousands of $$ off to China in a scam, is unable to pay bills or do his taxes, gets lost driving, and is often depressed), has diabetes, mobility, and gastric issues... He's living in an assisted living facility because he hoards and couldn't care for his house any longer. I found grandnephews who will gladly drive and go along for the road trip, but dad refuses. He's planning to leave in 48 hours and doesn't want anyone getting in the way. My brother has Power of Attorney and is considering taking dad's keys until he agrees to take someone with him. We want dad to enjoy what time he has, and he loves road trips. But we don't want to see him get hurt or even worse, hurt anyone else. The assisted living staff say that unless he demonstrates an inability to make the trip or gets into an accident or harms himself or anyone else, there's nothing that can be done. He's extremely stubborn and is used to being the boss. Unfortunately, his reasoning seems to be impaired on top of these qualities, and he's already angry that we're objecting to his trip. ps - We do have a tracking device on his phone. Last year during a similar trip, I spent hours talking him out of wrong turns and directing him to motels where I had decided for him, since he isn't interested/able to make arrangements himself and can't seem to operate his GPS anymore or use maps in his phone. He's starting to have a hard time just using the phone at all anymore. *Sigh.* Any suggestions?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I send you empathy!

Thank goodness you care - about his safety, and others on the road.

It sounds very dangerous. He could kill someone. Please continue doing all you can to stop him from driving, going on that road trip alone. He shouldn’t be driving at all. It’s really irresponsible/immoral of him to risk other people’s lives on the road.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Not sure what you can do legally to stop him going.

Look, if you are interested in getting your dad a proper workup for his cognitive issues, you don't rely on a primary care doctor. He needs to be seen by a neuropsychologist (think 3-6 hours of paper and pencil testing) and a geriatric psychiatrist to assess his mental health.

Maybe just stop fighting with him and he'll realize he no longer has the planning capacity to make this trip.

Has he made hotel reservations along the way?

Does he have current maps? A GPS system in his car? Is his car registration up to date and has it been checked by a mechanic recently?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

What a difficult situation and frustrating since you are trying to stop dad from doing something foolish and potentially dangerous and no one will help you.

Do you have keys to his car? If you do I would sneak over to AL after dark and disable the car so it is not drivable then do not help him get it fixed. It's sneaky but you have to protect him and others.

If you dont have keys maybe slashing his tires would work. He cant drive if he can't drive. Just make sure there are no cameras at the AL or hide your face/identity and go after dark.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
ventingisback Nov 2022
Good advice! Disabling the car is the right thing to do! Or “lose” the keys.

One little mistake while driving, and your father might harm someone for life. Some innocent, unfortunate person driving on the road at the same time as your father.
(3)
Report
I agree with Barb. There is not much you can do unless/until he is declared incompetent.
He has a Cell Phone. Can you track it? or can you track the car using the GPS?
Unfortunately often "we" have to wait until some catastrophic event forces/enables a change. Hopefully the catastrophic event does not involve others or a fatality of the family member
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Where exactly did he want to go?

The"mistake" was his going last year and you helping him out; that may have given him the impression that you'll do that again this time around. As long as he is of that mindset, he'll probably no biggie making this trip again.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You speak of undiagnosed cognitive decline. It is important to have it diagnosed, and sadly, you may be looking at issues of placement and guardianship. These are really poor decisions. You need to keep a careful diary. If he fights guardianship that is medically necessary you will need that. Ultimately, if he is undiagnosed it will be difficult to control his actions. My brother did not stop driving until a very bad accident hospitalized him and he was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia. He could not deny facts at that point and we worked together to make it as good as we could.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Check to find out if your state has a law whereby he can be detained involuntarily in order to assess mental health. Then do it. In Florida it’s called the Baker Act.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

His dignity of choice vs your feelings of duty of care..

I expect he will keep his driving until he really can't. If it does go bad, you will know he did what he loved.. until he couldn't.

I would have a FIRM chat with Dad. Advise him with honesty about your concerns. Discuss safety & his emergency plans. Add;
- I advise you strongly to get your car mechanically fit for a trip.
- I advise you strongly to get YOURself a fitness checkup too. (This being the Neuro Eval).
- explain this time you will not be giving directions. If he wants to go, he must be independent, including map reading or using GPS.
- Add you will alert Police if he is lost to enable him to be returned home.

Then IF he does go, don't save him. Hold to your word.

When he calls for directions you alert the Police to go get your poor confused Father.

Are you ready for this level of Tough Love?

Then be his support. 😓💙
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
poodledoodle Nov 2022
“His dignity of choice vs your feelings of duty of care..”

Not dignity of choice.

Choosing to maybe kill someone (or disable them for life) (or psychologically traumatize someone in a potential accident) is not dignity of choice.

OP’s father is acting immorally by being OK with risking other people’s lives.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
This is a HORRIBLE idea. It doesn't sound like he should be driving at all! Never mind this crazy cross country trip.

Do NOT give him any help in this endeavor. NONE.

Is the POA activated, if it needs to be? If so, your brother has a responsibility to do the right thing and not let your father endanger innocent people. It's hard and dad will be mad, like my mom was when we stopped allowing her to drive. It's OK, she got over it.

His regular doctor is NOT the one to determine if he is OK or not. Get him for a neuro eval or something like that to really find out if he has issues.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
sp19690 Nov 2022
No time for any of that he is leaving in 2 days.
(1)
Report
Just Google elderly driver kills while driving to see how these selfish seniors do damage to innocent people because they refuse to accept reality. Legal avenues are going to take too long since he is going in 2 days. You needs to take action now to disable and make that care undrivable.

Sometimes we have to do things to protect others because the law is screwed up. You would feel worse if he goes and kills someone while driving or seriously injured someone.

Do what you have to do and be a hero. This is your chance to do the right thing. Will you?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

If you can't stop him ahead of time, maybe call the police as soon as he leaves and explain the situation. They might be able to pick him up if they spot his unsafe driving or if he has a malfunctioning brake light. You could make sure it's malfunctioning, for that matter. That would stop him for a while. These seniors who don't drive safely are one of the reasons I don't want to be on the highway. Have I ever mentioned my friend from dance class whose husband insisted on driving them on a road trip and crashed into a highway abutment only a half hour from home? Months of therapy for her crushed leg, and I never saw her at dance class again. She didn't walk around the neighborhood anymore, either. Too much pain. Clearly his fault because he shouldn't have been driving and got confused.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Your brother has POA. So what if it isn't activated?

Common sense says that for the sake of his safety and that of the public, you stop him by disabling his car. You pull spark plugs wires, fuses, and maybe run his battery dead while you're at it -- whatever you need to do to keep this from happening. If you've done three things to disable the car, that'd be pretty tough to diagnose with a quick trip from the AAA and should buy you some time.

The last thing I'd worry about is the legality of preventing this trip from happening. Who's going to get arrested over disabling his car?

The first problem is that he's got undiagnosed dementia. The second is that he's in AL, not Memory Care, and the third is that he still has a car in his possession.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

OMG - there are so many Red Flags with what you described - I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Really, it doesn't matter that he's "used to being the boss." And as you said, "if you want your dad to enjoy what time he has" - then you'll do whatever it takes to make sure he is accompanied for his trip. We all have to face different times in life when we're not able to do certain things...that's the reality of life. And if he wound up hurting/killing himself or someone on the road, then what?

So, he likes road trips? That's nice. Well, then he'll need to accept that his plans need to be modified. He has shown many instances of poor judgment - that's enough not to put him behind the wheel by himself - so much could go wrong. In fact, it would be really irresponsible of you and your brother to not do whatever you can to take the appropriate safety measures. Enough with trying to ease into this or doing this delicately ...or he'll be gone and on the road by then.

Regarding my own father driving (who also is extremely stubborn and loves to drive - and is brutally tough), I stood firm - didn't provide any leeway - and enforced what needed to be done - that's all.

Your brother, as the POA, needs to take a stand - he needs to do More than "consider" taking his keys unless someone can accompany him. Dealing with your father driving to and from a road trip is like asking for a problem, as is. You both need to stand firm and make whatever arrangements you can.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

One way to ‘disable the car’ without getting inside it, could be to go around in the night and prop a sharp nail in from of each front tire and behind each back tire (depending on how it is driven away from the park). When the car rolls forward or backward, the nail should puncture the tire. Dad won’t get too far, and he may find that sorting it out shows him his own limitations. And ‘naughty boys’ who aren’t related can be blamed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Cover999 Nov 2022
One way is to take away the car, if he protests, then tough cookies.
(2)
Report
See 3 more replies
If he has any care for the environment, even with cognitive issues, that could be used to take away the car.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Riverdale Nov 2022
If you mean the general public I understand what you are saying but not clear about what you mean by the environment.
(1)
Report
Say car needs repairs. & take keys away.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It is no longer about what your dad wants, especially when he is putting both himself and others in danger. There is nothing in your posts that indicates he is competent in any way to do a road trip on his own. I would even question his ability to drive locally. Allowing him to think this is even an option or putting his desires above all else is a disaster waiting to happen.

Take away his keys and disable the car. Don't even try and reason. If he wants to go on the trip, get him to see a dr. who can verify he is competent to complete this type of trip on his own.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

The FIRST time he calls from the road, call 911 and send them to his location.

Have the police accompany him back to the AL.

AND arrange a thorough cognitive assessment.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

A week after this post, I’m curious to know what happened.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
againx100 Nov 2022
me too!
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Anyone remember that supportive OP who's in-laws wanted one last summer in their cabin?

It was going to take some super-enabling.. The dutiful son planned to drive something like 14hrs round trip.. To drop off, set them up with power, food etc, fly home, then return in a week or so. 😫

The folks couldn't drive, do stairs, order food..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Fawnby Nov 2022
I wasn't here then. Did they die there? Did he die there? Boy, people get crazy ideas. My dad had dementia, and when I arrived at his house one day to help the caregivers, they'd hatched a plan to rent an RV, and one of the caregivers to drive it 75+ miles to a big city where one of his favorite singers was putting on a show. Two other caregivers were going too. Dad had a catheter, was fecally incontinent, and was in hospice care dying of cancer. Oh, and his mistress (he was still married to mom) was planning to join them. I put a stop to it and ruined all the fun.
(2)
Report
Take keys away… which is worse fallout / anger for that or a tragedy in the making….
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Please note that Brightly, who wrote the original question, never came back to answer after the question was written back on Nov 11th.

And no other AgingCare questions/discussion were asked by Brightly.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter