Follow
Share

It would be fine if he hadn't had several minor strokes in recent years, is struggling with undiagnosed cognitive decline (which is obvious to my brother and I, but his doctor seems to think that so long as he knows who the current president is, he's fine -- this year he wired thousands of $$ off to China in a scam, is unable to pay bills or do his taxes, gets lost driving, and is often depressed), has diabetes, mobility, and gastric issues... He's living in an assisted living facility because he hoards and couldn't care for his house any longer. I found grandnephews who will gladly drive and go along for the road trip, but dad refuses. He's planning to leave in 48 hours and doesn't want anyone getting in the way. My brother has Power of Attorney and is considering taking dad's keys until he agrees to take someone with him. We want dad to enjoy what time he has, and he loves road trips. But we don't want to see him get hurt or even worse, hurt anyone else. The assisted living staff say that unless he demonstrates an inability to make the trip or gets into an accident or harms himself or anyone else, there's nothing that can be done. He's extremely stubborn and is used to being the boss. Unfortunately, his reasoning seems to be impaired on top of these qualities, and he's already angry that we're objecting to his trip. ps - We do have a tracking device on his phone. Last year during a similar trip, I spent hours talking him out of wrong turns and directing him to motels where I had decided for him, since he isn't interested/able to make arrangements himself and can't seem to operate his GPS anymore or use maps in his phone. He's starting to have a hard time just using the phone at all anymore. *Sigh.* Any suggestions?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I send you empathy!

Thank goodness you care - about his safety, and others on the road.

It sounds very dangerous. He could kill someone. Please continue doing all you can to stop him from driving, going on that road trip alone. He shouldn’t be driving at all. It’s really irresponsible/immoral of him to risk other people’s lives on the road.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

His dignity of choice vs your feelings of duty of care..

I expect he will keep his driving until he really can't. If it does go bad, you will know he did what he loved.. until he couldn't.

I would have a FIRM chat with Dad. Advise him with honesty about your concerns. Discuss safety & his emergency plans. Add;
- I advise you strongly to get your car mechanically fit for a trip.
- I advise you strongly to get YOURself a fitness checkup too. (This being the Neuro Eval).
- explain this time you will not be giving directions. If he wants to go, he must be independent, including map reading or using GPS.
- Add you will alert Police if he is lost to enable him to be returned home.

Then IF he does go, don't save him. Hold to your word.

When he calls for directions you alert the Police to go get your poor confused Father.

Are you ready for this level of Tough Love?

Then be his support. 😓💙
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
poodledoodle Nov 2022
“His dignity of choice vs your feelings of duty of care..”

Not dignity of choice.

Choosing to maybe kill someone (or disable them for life) (or psychologically traumatize someone in a potential accident) is not dignity of choice.

OP’s father is acting immorally by being OK with risking other people’s lives.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
What a difficult situation and frustrating since you are trying to stop dad from doing something foolish and potentially dangerous and no one will help you.

Do you have keys to his car? If you do I would sneak over to AL after dark and disable the car so it is not drivable then do not help him get it fixed. It's sneaky but you have to protect him and others.

If you dont have keys maybe slashing his tires would work. He cant drive if he can't drive. Just make sure there are no cameras at the AL or hide your face/identity and go after dark.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
ventingisback Nov 2022
Good advice! Disabling the car is the right thing to do! Or “lose” the keys.

One little mistake while driving, and your father might harm someone for life. Some innocent, unfortunate person driving on the road at the same time as your father.
(3)
Report
Your brother has POA. So what if it isn't activated?

Common sense says that for the sake of his safety and that of the public, you stop him by disabling his car. You pull spark plugs wires, fuses, and maybe run his battery dead while you're at it -- whatever you need to do to keep this from happening. If you've done three things to disable the car, that'd be pretty tough to diagnose with a quick trip from the AAA and should buy you some time.

The last thing I'd worry about is the legality of preventing this trip from happening. Who's going to get arrested over disabling his car?

The first problem is that he's got undiagnosed dementia. The second is that he's in AL, not Memory Care, and the third is that he still has a car in his possession.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This is a HORRIBLE idea. It doesn't sound like he should be driving at all! Never mind this crazy cross country trip.

Do NOT give him any help in this endeavor. NONE.

Is the POA activated, if it needs to be? If so, your brother has a responsibility to do the right thing and not let your father endanger innocent people. It's hard and dad will be mad, like my mom was when we stopped allowing her to drive. It's OK, she got over it.

His regular doctor is NOT the one to determine if he is OK or not. Get him for a neuro eval or something like that to really find out if he has issues.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
sp19690 Nov 2022
No time for any of that he is leaving in 2 days.
(1)
Report
Just Google elderly driver kills while driving to see how these selfish seniors do damage to innocent people because they refuse to accept reality. Legal avenues are going to take too long since he is going in 2 days. You needs to take action now to disable and make that care undrivable.

Sometimes we have to do things to protect others because the law is screwed up. You would feel worse if he goes and kills someone while driving or seriously injured someone.

Do what you have to do and be a hero. This is your chance to do the right thing. Will you?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

The FIRST time he calls from the road, call 911 and send them to his location.

Have the police accompany him back to the AL.

AND arrange a thorough cognitive assessment.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I agree with Barb. There is not much you can do unless/until he is declared incompetent.
He has a Cell Phone. Can you track it? or can you track the car using the GPS?
Unfortunately often "we" have to wait until some catastrophic event forces/enables a change. Hopefully the catastrophic event does not involve others or a fatality of the family member
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You speak of undiagnosed cognitive decline. It is important to have it diagnosed, and sadly, you may be looking at issues of placement and guardianship. These are really poor decisions. You need to keep a careful diary. If he fights guardianship that is medically necessary you will need that. Ultimately, if he is undiagnosed it will be difficult to control his actions. My brother did not stop driving until a very bad accident hospitalized him and he was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia. He could not deny facts at that point and we worked together to make it as good as we could.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If you can't stop him ahead of time, maybe call the police as soon as he leaves and explain the situation. They might be able to pick him up if they spot his unsafe driving or if he has a malfunctioning brake light. You could make sure it's malfunctioning, for that matter. That would stop him for a while. These seniors who don't drive safely are one of the reasons I don't want to be on the highway. Have I ever mentioned my friend from dance class whose husband insisted on driving them on a road trip and crashed into a highway abutment only a half hour from home? Months of therapy for her crushed leg, and I never saw her at dance class again. She didn't walk around the neighborhood anymore, either. Too much pain. Clearly his fault because he shouldn't have been driving and got confused.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter