@funkygrandma59 and @needhelpwithmom - your notes were saved.
Yes, I've let the nonsense continue because of both fear and guilt. Since the time we spoke, mother has stalked my business.applied on my website as a member.created 25 alias emails.tracked me on united (my trip to Japan was public and she has my DOB and zip).started emailing my work ADMIN account (also on my website).tracked me at a marriott over thanksgiving (knows I would visit my dad and called each one).
Yes, she has nothing better to do than stalk me all day long.
yes, she is truly suffering.
yes, she has refused to accept a phonecall from a doctor.
Yes, she is threatening to harm me and send a million emails until I listen.
Yes, she has said I will be shattered when she dies knowing it was my fault and I didn't try hard enough.
yes, everyone is sick of it.
Yes, my son blocked her emails on my gmail - but then she found the admin and that is harder to block.
yes, my husband and I are still happily married. He doesn't know what to do either.
Yes, my mother is threatening elder abuse and names people she will reach out to.
yes, she subscribed to the NPOs where I am on the board.
Yes, she continues the suicide threats and we have called police 12 times.
So, ready to file the order this week...
But who wants to put their mother in jail?
I wanted her to get a decent home.
She wanted me to sacrifice everything to save her. She wanted a doover in life - not to be a good mother - but to marry rich - have a husband and family or be a movie star. I don't know. But she didn't want my sister -not because my sister wouldn't put up with her - but because my sister was blue color and in the wrong city and couldn't fulfill her fantasy.
yes, I have compassion for her mental illness.
So, what will happen?
There are excellent videos on Youtube on how to Gray Rock a Narc. You might take a look at some of those.
When you meet with your Attorney make sure that they are a Family Law expert in the Jurisdictions where the incidents have happened.
Also you might mention that since you are doing this after 3 years of constant stalking and want a final exit to this you don't mind employing a "total war" or "salt the earth" philosophy to your attorney's approach. They will know what you are needing.
It’s really a wonder of whether it’s a personality disorder or mental illness perhaps blurred because we lowered the bar that all she had to do was see a doctor and we would send her funds. We said we would even arrange for the call and all she had to do was pick up the phone When she is doing nothing but laying in bed all day. She refused everything except my rescue and full devotion to restoring her to a meaningful life where she can travel and meet people.
It sounds like it’s going to get messy and we haven’t want to leave her completely without funds because we are her support. We want to give support from afar, but she won’t accept that. I don’t want her on the street and I don’t want her to go completely crazy although she may already be 90% there.
OCD, it isn't that I don't sympathize with your side of this whole long ongoing trauma, but to suggest you are still a 50% partner in it not by choice but because of "guilt" isn't appropriate.
I don't want to reread all the old posts but I know I will have told you that guilt requires causation out of evil intent.
That isn't the case here.
I am also certain I must have recommended to you Liz Scheier's memoir Never Simple, about her attempts to deal with her mother's mental illness for decades. All to no avail. Her mother died as crazy as ever she was, homeless, in advanced age. You cannot help those who do not wish to be helped. Nor can you act for the mentally ill; the law doesn't allow it.
Really, what you are in the middle of is a sort of self-harming of yourself through bad decision making on your own part.
I would seek help of mental health professional in your area and seek counseling for yourself. I would also suggest that stay away orders would be appropriate now. When your mother disobeys said restraining orders she will be addressed by the POLICE, not by you.
That will be done through an attorney and the court system.
A forum of strangers is unlikely to be of much help to you. We can listen. We can say "Oh, dear, we are so sorry all this is still going on. But we, as you, are helpless in this.
Just a postscript here, because I think you haven't been on the Forum for some time, if you aren't aware that NeedsHelp is no longer on the Forum. That I know of, none of the regulars know why, but she was undergoing medical treatment at the time she disappeared off our page.
As to what will happen? Your question to us? Given your mom's level of mental illness probably quite a lot unless she dies first. And I think you can count on expecting the unexpected. You have dealt with this for a long time now to the best of your ability. My advice is always to move about 1,000 miles away from this sort of thing, because it is without an answer and without a solution. It's end is always as it's beginning and it's daily on-goingness--a crucible.
I am so sorry for your pain.
My life is really great with my husband and son and my business and health.
I'm quite happy most of the time, but this is just something that is always in the back of my mind.
When she applied on my website, I thought that crossed a line. When she paged me at the HNL airport - I thought this has to be it. Then when she found me in Phoenix...my dad with dementia was still able to understand "she has nothing better to do."
I guess I can't understand it. We would buy her a house. She could still travel. We would help her. But she won't take a step. That is what I cannot get my mind around. Who wouldn't be willing to speak to a doctor for $100,000?
Where I am I missing on this? Is it that I'm expecting rationale behavior from an irrational person
And yes, I've been wary of the unexpected every day. That is the issue. I've always known she was vindictive, a spy, and after wealth/men. I also knew this would happen eventually - but never imagined to this extent.
IF you decide to take out a restraining order, and IF mom gets arrested, are YOU prepared to go ahead with prosecution? Don't point a weapon at someone if you're not fully prepared to use it, otherwise it's likely to end up being used against you.
Sorry, but given your past history with mom, any order you MAY finally decide to file against mom will not help, because you are so enmeshed in this dynamic with your mother you can't see your way clear. Otherwise, you would have pressed charges years ago. Unless you are sure you will 1) call the police if she violates said order and 2) agree to cooperate with prosecution of the crime of violating said order, whatever that prosecution might entail, don't bother yourself. If you're not willing to follow through to the end, then that restraining order isn't worth the cost of the ink to print it.
We will call police if she violates the order - but not sure what happens next. Hoping they would force her to get help.
A middle ground is to file a Cease and Desist - which will likely not do anything either but perhaps serve as a deterrent to her reaching out to my work.
You are right - too enmeshed in her sad story that "I'm supposed to understand mother was troubled, want her to be happy, want to give her hugs and kisses, and recognize what she needs and how my not helping and welcoming her destroyed her."
While I do know that I had a PTSD response that did not invite her here - and set a boundary for self-preservation - I know I've given her a thousand chances. My husband and son have been kind enough to take the burden off of me telling me they won't allow it.
Now I'm in self-preservation mode.
Good advice - much appreciated.
The answer is that probably no one wants their mother in jail but what's the alternative? Abusing is never okay. Personally, I wouldn't hesitate to do whatever is necessary to keep her from contacting everyone and anyone and to keep my sanity. Ive had experience with someone who's a narcissist and you will never win at anything. They're always right and nothing you do will change that. They just want to inflict whatever drama they can on you. Get her put away and become invisible to her!! If you don't respond or acknowledge her in any way it will keep her from getting what she wants.