3 years of NPD harassment continues, what happens when I file a stalking order against mother?

One of the hardest days of my life was going with my aunt to get an IVC on my mom. My aunt called it "surreal" and it sure was. Mom was stalking me to the point I was having nightmares she was going to kill me. Mom began being violent to her neighbors and thankfully the county listened and picked her up and did a psych eval. Sadly, they decided she was a harmless old woman and sent her home. She took two people hostage with a knife and assaulted a police officer. She was taken in again (IVC) and they did a psych eval and she ended up in a facility thankfully. She gets three square meals a day and I can visit as often or as few times as I want each year. She does have internet, but is unable to contact me as she does not have my email address (I have a new one) or phone number (I disconnected my home phone). We took away her cell phone and tablet. She watches Youtube and complains to staff instead of stalking me anymore. So, yes, please, please get the authorities involved for your own peace of mind. I would not want to live through the stalking years ever again for any amount of money.

To Dawn88. Good information. I've got to tap out here because this whole thing is giving me a headache.

When you file a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) application in your County's Superior Courthouse, you wait 2-3 days for the Judge to sign it. You make your contact demands very specific (no stalking you, no emails, phone calls, no contact with Husband, his work or colleagues). I'd even request Mom be 5150'd (due to her many suicide threats) and her contact tools (cellphone, I-Pad) be turned in to the police.

If the application you submit is done concisely and properly, a Judge will sign it and a Preliminary Hearing scheduled within 2 wks. Mom must be served a copy 10 days before the Hearing, so hire a Process Server for $50 to serve her. During those 2 wks. Mom is not allowed to contact you whatsoever. If she does, you take a Screenshot and print copies for the hearing.

You (or your lawyer) must attend the Hearing or WILL LOOSE. Mom must attend or loose. A "no-show" at a hearing automatically looses. There is a 10 minute hearing, the Judge asks you both a few questions, such as, "Why do you pay for Mom's hotel?" ("I want her to live in a safe place.") or asks Mom, "Why are you stalking her so relentlessly?" ("Because I want a hug.") Judge takes 5 minutes to decide and grant the Permanent Order for up to 3 years. Judge will clearly see Mom is crazy, and grant your Order, plus included stipulations, such as Mom be 5150'd for full psychiatric/medical evaluation. She may be taken from Court directly to a local hospital for evaluation and proper medication. The authorities don't take suicide threats lightly. Mom is also a clear danger to herself and others, the criteria the Judge bases his decisions on. Hopefully Mom gets put in a hospital facility for a full mental/medical evaluation fairly quickly.
You each get a signed copy of the Order before leaving Court.

Get 10 copies made of your Order, to provide to local police offices, hotel manager, doctors, colleagues, or anyone else she uses to contact you. Carry a copy in your purse and car at all times.

Mom will be dumb enough to violate it within days, unless she is put in hospital for evaluation. Thus you call police (non emergency line) to report her. They will pay Mom a visit and warn her if she violates again, she will be arrested. One warning, next contact she makes, she will be arrested. You will be called, of course.

You DO NOT go bail her out! Mom will be released in 24 hrs, anyway, and go back to her hotel by Uber. County jails will not hold crazy senior women. DO NOT send any more money to the hotel, which will put you in violation of your own Order! Mom can get YOU arrested for funding her lifestyle.

If you are that obsessed or weak, you will loose. Wasting the Court's time with your drama will not work in your favor. Either do what you legally should, or end up screwed. Mom would be thrilled to turn the tables on her weak, wealthy daughter. It's fun for her to torture you for "attention" (aka money) right? Block Mom's emails, calls, stick to your Order, since if you do not, you will be seen as "mentally challenged" and not taken seriously anymore.

Otherwise, enjoy the cat and mouse game you play with Mom, pretending to actually "care" about this spoiled wacko you call your Mother. You obviously enjoy the high drama, since you are FUNDING IT.

Where is Mom's income (Social Security)? Hopefully if Mom gets 5150'd, while her medical evaluation is underway, you can find a Social Worker at said hospital to help get her placed in Memory Care. Refuse to fund her hotel, she can apply for Medicaid. Mom will be safe, fed and her meds supervised by 24/7 trained medical staff. She won't be allowed WiFi tools, or to leave the facility. If she doesn't have money stashed, she can't buy a phone or I-Pad to stalk you.
STOP allowing her to financially blackmail you!

Mom will be placed according to her mental/medical status (by the State as Guardian) with daily attention by staff. She won't get her luxury hotel or free house. She doesn't deserve any of it anyway.

I have skimmed your responses. I remember your previous posts. We can sympathize with you but IMO you have really done nothing to solve your problem.

You get a RO. As said, that means Mom can't contact you and you don't respond to her. Pretty sure when you posted 3 years ago you were told to stop doing what you were doing, helping her, spending money on her. Offering to buy her a house. Your Mom is mentally ill. To get her off your back you must go NO Contact. No paying for her hotel room. No trying to buy her a house. No phone. You tell the hotel manager when you plan to no longer pay for her room. He then calls APS and tells them he has a vulnerable senior with no money to pay him. Then the State takes over her care.

You are just going in circles. You will never please your Mom. She doesn't even know what she wants, she is mentally ill. You can no longer be her option. You need to go cold turkey. Just stop the money train. YOU OWE HER NOTHING!

"...what happens after I file a stalking order against mother?"

What did the attorney tell you would happen? Or have you not asked an attorney this question?

"What happens" varies by state, so not sure why you are asking it to non-attorneys on this anonymous global forum with no accountability for "wrong" answers or bad advice.

Or, are you asking "what happens" regarding her behavior and her reaction if you file the order?

None of us can answer this, not even you. This is why you need to move forward with legal action since it's your only recourse to protect you *and your family* (and possibly other victims) from her.

I hope that you understand that most of us here, trying to give you advice, are children of narcissists as well. We know. My mother was the most wonderful woman ever....to other people. We suffered physical and emotional abuse....after she died during covid...I knew I would need therapy to make sense of my people pleasing ways that I learned in order to survive. Recommending that someone get therapy is not meant to be an insult ...rather, it's meant to be a gift to yourself where someone finally gives you permission to stand up for yourself and to walk away from someone who is broken and wants to break you too. There has been a lot of sincere, heartfelt advice here. I don't think honestly that we can offer much more other than to encourage you to give the gift of therapy to yourself so that you can see this situation with a changed perspective.

Getting a restraining order is more compassionate than you think even though it may seem harsh. It's compassionate for you and your family. Please take printed copies of your emails sent from your mother to court as proof of the harassment. Don't say to the judge that your mother is a narcissist. You are not qualified to make a diagnosis. For now, just document her behavior and hand over the evidence to the judge. Next time she contacts you, call the police and that's only after you filed a restraining order if you are granted one. You feel guilty if you don't comply to your mother's demands, so you would compensate by providing the tools needed to keep her life going. This is financial coercion and emotional blackmail.

Question for you, why do you keep supporting her? You pay for the wifi, and she uses it to harass you. You are also footing the bill for her hotel services.

If she gets arrested for harassing you, the judge may force her into some type of therapy. Worst case scenario, she ends up in a half house and is forced into treatment.

Remember your mother has been training you your whole life how to treat her. You are the only one who can break the pattern, not her. She will not change. You are looking for a solution that does not exist. You are continuing to be her puppet and emotional punching bag as long as you are supporting her. You can’t reason with or expect a rational response from someone who is mentally ill. Yes, you can stop supporting her and let social services step in. You enable her abusive behavior by supporting her. You gave her the iPad she uses to stalk and harass you. You are paying for the WiFi access she uses by paying for her hotel. Seek help for yourself and try to figure why you can’t let go of someone who treats you like garbage. You don’t deserve it.

Which do you want more: (1) to not be stalked and harassed; or (2) to maintain your image and self-image as a person who is "too compassionate" to stop giving money to the person who is stalking and harassing you. If you ever want the first thing more than you want the second thing, you'll be able to do what is within your control to try to stop the stalking and harassment.

“ I still can’t understand why she simply can’t accept a phone call from a counselor and chooses to threaten me instead “. OP’s words .

Because Mom doesn’t want to talk to a counselor . Mom doesn’t want to make changes . She’s a sick narcissist . She does not think she needs to make changes . She sees you as being disobedient . I know this , I had a narcissist for a mother . They do not understand why they can’t have their way most of the time . And the rest of the time they just plain refuse to make changes .
You can’t get someone like this to make changes . Therapy rarely helps a severe narcissist
So your mother’s actions should have consequences , which could either be jail or homelessness.

Why do you keep asking what to do when you aren’t going to do anything?!

You are complaining that the two options given here are crappy options: jail or shut her out of your life completely (and stop supporting her completely). Well unfortunately there are ONLY crappy options left. She won’t change and you won’t get a different outcome. People are suggesting therapy for you because the only thing you have the power to change is yourself. Accepting that there are no not crappy solutions for your mom is what you really need help with. That is the unfortunate truth.

You said 'i just want my mother to be a normal person and be happy".
Your mother is a narcissist....that isn't going to change. You must change. I think most everyone here is familiar with being the child of a narcissist. Old age, dementia, etc., make it worse. Threats of suicide, threats in general abound. Do whatever you can to seek counseling for yourself and do not engage with your mother. Unless you want to continue like this. She is playing you and playing with you.

If she had to work to pay her own expenses, she wouldn’t have all day to harass you. My dogs, left alone, almost dug a hole through my floor because they had all day to work on it.

You need to stop enabling her to harass you.

Oh and I would have no problem putting her in jail. Good luck.

It doesn't matter how often she contacts you, or how. Just ignore her every single time. Permanently. Done, It really couldn't be simpler.

OCD, your behavior is akin to a couple other posters, Lisa and bb for short. Lisa could not accept that her brother poa was running the ship his way so we got all this info on his money coming from the sil and how they run a horse farm on the side. Bb, who was more recently here, stated a belief that a California court would criminally charge him if he wasn’t sitting with mom three times a day to feed her his home cooked food, so he was willing to let his wife and kids leave him.

Well, you know, as if.

As if any judge in sf is going to assume you need a restraining order when your ongoing intent is to subsidize her 13000/mo hotel bills let alone her other expenses. You think a judge is gonna Empathize with you pulling down the cudgel of a ro when they hear about you doing this? AS IF just as much as bb trying to convince us that some california superior court could convict him if he didn’t show up three times a day to provide mom with homemade food.

As if you’ll get sfpd to remove her if she does show up. She could pitch a tent in front of your building anytime which is why you’re paying her 13000 to live elsewhere while she stalks you with this threat. Me myself and personally, i let her do her crazy aunt Halacha routine in the tent. I would get it over with, but I’m not you.

As mother and daughter, there is normally no need for a financial agreement like separation or divorce. But here, there is. You are subsidizing her over 160k on the hotel alone to stalk ya

The other best solution is go get some therapy to center yourself. It's hard to see the forest for the trees. If more than one or two people say something you should take it more seriously and listen. You have to cut her off for however long it takes and let someone else handle the communication. Maybe your husband.
Where there's a will...........

A lot of these comments are not valid.
But literally she wrote again "Do I have to try to destroy you to get you to help me?"

I didn't want her on the street.
I did want a different answer.
But this is horrific. And it isn't the first time.

And to blocking - you've never met my mother.
There are a thousand ways to contact someone and she will find every one of them.

As I read the many suggestions I felt as if no one could suggest anything that suited you. Lots of wise people out there though!
I'm not a psychiatrist but have experienced and am experiencing a situation with a Narcissist. After a year of trying to help him it became CRYSTAL CLEAR that nothing a person does or says is correct, helpful, or any use. We cut the person off completely. Didn't send money anymore when given a sob story etc.
Took us a year but we decided on
NO CONTACT no matter how many times they call or try to contact you!!! They t h r i v e, THRIVE, and did I say THRIVE, off any response verbal, positive, or negative!!! Don't feed the beast! LET IT GO lest you like the suffering!
He lost interest when we cut him off. Now he contacts other people.
Contact is crack for them! Just don't contact, do nothing else.

I’ve been wondering how you were doing and I’m very sad to see nothing has changed. Good luck.

Does she have a computer or a cell phone? Stop paying for the cell phone to start. She doesn't need a computer. Take this all away. If she is living in a hotel, she can call for emergency help if needed.

How is she eating? Are you sending her money or is it all room service? Threaten to take this away. And then follow through if she won't stop.

And please seek mental health support for yourself. The real answer is to stop supporting her. I'd be surprised if you can take out a restraining order on someone you are financially supporting, and I assume contacting periodically to coordinate this support.

New thought ,
At this point do you even know that it’s really your mother all on her own demanding the money from you ? Or are you being catfished?
Is Mom actually alive and still capable of doing all this on her own ? Or does she now have an “ accomplice “ who saw a way to get money ?

She’s been in this hotel for ages. Many people come and go including employees . Maybe someone saw an elderly woman looking for attention , who now “ helps “ her to stalk you .

There are a few options in this case.

Welbutrin is good for depression and has an off label use for OCD.

People have used Luvox which is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor for OCD for a few decades at least, and many have good results.

The best one in my opinion which has helped in hoarding cases is called clomipramine and it is an older tricyclic antidepressant. I am not a medical professional, just someone that has had a lot of experience with OCD and other types of anxiety related disorders including hoarding.

Many times people with your condition don't end up with the right medicine because not everyone is experienced with OCD. Often times they try to put you on an SSRI and hope for the best, the theory being that reducing the anxiety will prevent OCD symptoms from flaring. I have never found this to be the case, hence why you will see so many untreated OCD patients all over and you'll hear professionals describe OCD as very hard to treat. It is challenging, yes, but it is not impossible. You can be helped.

Yes, these suggestions are for you. I've read a lot of your postings and the people's responses. I can tell you that your behavior is absolutely indicative of untreated OCD and anxiety running wild and that you will never fix this with talk therapy. You need serious medication intervention in order to break you out of this loop in your mind. The worst part is that if you were to solve your problem with your mom, you would just find another thing to obsess over compulsively, just as the name suggests. OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder. I understand that there was some sort of Asian piety thrown in there, and perhaps Jewish guilt. These things are irrelevant to the main concern which is to break yourself out of these thought loops. You can't think yourself out of them, nor talk yourself out of them either. I can tell you've had some sort of therapeutic intervention because it seems like someone advised you to have things run through your husband. That is fine if you then don't obsess to or over him, which you are. And that can't be helped until you get some of the proper medication.

This is not your fault, and if you could stop this you would. No reasonable speaking to you or amount of thinking will ever get through to you. You understand this isn't about where your mom lives, and I think intellectually you understand that this is unhealthy but you can't stop. This is because you need medical help for OCD and I really hope you get it.

Don't just go to any dr, you are in San Francisco and you are well off or you would not have a house there. Look around for specialists in OCD and walk in with the names of the medicines I told you. Say you heard from someone who had success with these and you want medical pros to help you. Tell them yes, you want Cognitive Behavior Therapy as well, once you are started on the right medications. It may take some time to get on the right cocktail but you will be much happier when you finally get it right. This has completely taken over your life. It makes no sense to the other people on this board and they think you're doing this for attention. They don't understand that this is a loop in your head that you can never break on your own.

Explain to the doctor that you are obsessing over your mother but it's not about her, she is simply something that is triggering your EXTREME anxiety and you can't stop but you want to stop. I will tell you that you will be able to take care of your mother in an appropriate manner when your own condition is taken care of, and it will all take less time and energy than what you are doing now. I wish you good luck and good health. Again, not a medical professional, just someone who sees your struggle and is telling you what has worked for many people I've known with this same situation.

You have legit issues with your mom's treatment of you and I am sure there is the hope for her love but the main problem is untreated OCD.

I'm sorry about your difficult situation. We can't tell you what will happen because we don't know what your mom will do if you seek a restraining order or a cease and desist order, and we don't know what you will do in response to whatever your mom does.

This is the answer ,
You can’t force your mother to get help . Cut her off totally and file a restraining order . But you have to follow through . You can not back pedal. This is a case where you walk away and leave it up to God . Cutting ties is hard but possible.

The problem is you want a different answer where Mom gets help , is happy and in a nice house and traveling . That is not going to happen .

My husband had a coworker whose son never got over survivor guilt . He was a passenger in his friend’s car . His friend was driving , and died when the car crashed . The survivor ended up mentally breaking down just after finishing college He became homeless , refused help . His mother lost touch with him , even hired a PI to find him . She ended up having to stop looking and “ leave it up to God “.

Your mother will not change . Leave it up to God .

Was none of the past advice given to you of your liking?

Why are you back here posting when *you know* the answer?

You've been circling the drain around this drama trying to keep it alive on this forum.

Why?

Stop wasting our time.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/2-years-no-solutions-npdbpd-mother-will-starve-herself-to-death-and-die-488339.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/narcissistic-personality-disorder-is-real-nothing-left-to-do-constantly-called-a-murderer-484131.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/request-for-ongoing-support-of-narcissist-mother-who-threatens-calls-emails-nonstop-for-years-483581.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/estranged-mother-threats-and-harassment-any-advice-478495.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/misery-manipulation-and-threats-continue-any-advice-477574.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mothers-constant-misery-is-destructive-she-wont-live-anywhere-any-advice-476776.htm

"...who wants to put their mother in jail?"

You. You should.

Very small help suggestion here (relative to the huge problem!), but you should be able to block her IP address from your website, either by a very narrow range of IP addresses, or a broader range if necessary, assuming your business doesn’t need contact with her immediate neighborhood. If your site is built using Wordpress, look for a plugin called “Wordfence.” Basic function is free, but probably worth it for the control even if you upgrade to paid use.

If your site is built on some other platform, ask the hosting service for similar controls.

Your website shouldn’t be a vulnerability in your life and business, but an asset.

All I can say is OMG....you really are still wrapped up in your mentally ills mother nonsense after all these years, and letting it control your life. That is so beyond sad that someone would intentionally choose to live like that and yet you do.
I don't think there is anything any of us can say at this point to make you make better choices for yourself and your marriage(I'm actually shocked that you're still married to be honest) as this has been going on for far too long, so I will just say that anyone that would continue to put up with all of this ridiculous nonsense from their mother must themselves suffer from mental illness as well.