@funkygrandma59 and @needhelpwithmom - your notes were saved.
Yes, I've let the nonsense continue because of both fear and guilt. Since the time we spoke, mother has stalked my business.applied on my website as a member.created 25 alias emails.tracked me on united (my trip to Japan was public and she has my DOB and zip).started emailing my work ADMIN account (also on my website).tracked me at a marriott over thanksgiving (knows I would visit my dad and called each one).
Yes, she has nothing better to do than stalk me all day long.
yes, she is truly suffering.
yes, she has refused to accept a phonecall from a doctor.
Yes, she is threatening to harm me and send a million emails until I listen.
Yes, she has said I will be shattered when she dies knowing it was my fault and I didn't try hard enough.
yes, everyone is sick of it.
Yes, my son blocked her emails on my gmail - but then she found the admin and that is harder to block.
yes, my husband and I are still happily married. He doesn't know what to do either.
Yes, my mother is threatening elder abuse and names people she will reach out to.
yes, she subscribed to the NPOs where I am on the board.
Yes, she continues the suicide threats and we have called police 12 times.
So, ready to file the order this week...
But who wants to put their mother in jail?
I wanted her to get a decent home.
She wanted me to sacrifice everything to save her. She wanted a doover in life - not to be a good mother - but to marry rich - have a husband and family or be a movie star. I don't know. But she didn't want my sister -not because my sister wouldn't put up with her - but because my sister was blue color and in the wrong city and couldn't fulfill her fantasy.
yes, I have compassion for her mental illness.
So, what will happen?
You. You should.
I didn’t include above that the threats to come out here are then followed with how much money I owe her and send me money - and I mean a lot - she says $750,000 is about the number. Because I owe her for my life.
I've spoken to a Lawyer, researched where to file, have a draft, considering cease and desist. The fact that I haven't done anything yet, doesn't mean I won't - it means it has not been clear yet which is the best path for my sanity and how much worse it could get.
I don't think there is anything any of us can say at this point to make you make better choices for yourself and your marriage(I'm actually shocked that you're still married to be honest) as this has been going on for far too long, so I will just say that anyone that would continue to put up with all of this ridiculous nonsense from their mother must themselves suffer from mental illness as well.
I would like your suggestion on the right course of action as both my husband (25+ years) are at a loss. We go back and forth on an order,
I was literally paged in the HNL airport and spoke with United who found her call to them when they gave her my private information.
Cutting ties is NOT possible. I have built my business and am living my life, but this issue continues daily in new forms.
If it is so obvious - please tell me the right answer.
Why are you back here posting when *you know* the answer?
You've been circling the drain around this drama trying to keep it alive on this forum.
Why?
Stop wasting our time.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/2-years-no-solutions-npdbpd-mother-will-starve-herself-to-death-and-die-488339.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/narcissistic-personality-disorder-is-real-nothing-left-to-do-constantly-called-a-murderer-484131.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/request-for-ongoing-support-of-narcissist-mother-who-threatens-calls-emails-nonstop-for-years-483581.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/estranged-mother-threats-and-harassment-any-advice-478495.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/misery-manipulation-and-threats-continue-any-advice-477574.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mothers-constant-misery-is-destructive-she-wont-live-anywhere-any-advice-476776.htm
if you have a helpful answer, then give it because if it was that easy we would have done something.
get counseling.
that won’t stop my mother from emailing and stalking and threatening Or escalating.
File an order
That won’t do anything but escalate.
just deal with it and continue on
okay - that’s what we do.
but the cease and desist is also an option.
OCD, it isn't that I don't sympathize with your side of this whole long ongoing trauma, but to suggest you are still a 50% partner in it not by choice but because of "guilt" isn't appropriate.
I don't want to reread all the old posts but I know I will have told you that guilt requires causation out of evil intent.
That isn't the case here.
I am also certain I must have recommended to you Liz Scheier's memoir Never Simple, about her attempts to deal with her mother's mental illness for decades. All to no avail. Her mother died as crazy as ever she was, homeless, in advanced age. You cannot help those who do not wish to be helped. Nor can you act for the mentally ill; the law doesn't allow it.
Really, what you are in the middle of is a sort of self-harming of yourself through bad decision making on your own part.
I would seek help of mental health professional in your area and seek counseling for yourself. I would also suggest that stay away orders would be appropriate now. When your mother disobeys said restraining orders she will be addressed by the POLICE, not by you.
That will be done through an attorney and the court system.
A forum of strangers is unlikely to be of much help to you. We can listen. We can say "Oh, dear, we are so sorry all this is still going on. But we, as you, are helpless in this.
Just a postscript here, because I think you haven't been on the Forum for some time, if you aren't aware that NeedsHelp is no longer on the Forum. That I know of, none of the regulars know why, but she was undergoing medical treatment at the time she disappeared off our page.
As to what will happen? Your question to us? Given your mom's level of mental illness probably quite a lot unless she dies first. And I think you can count on expecting the unexpected. You have dealt with this for a long time now to the best of your ability. My advice is always to move about 1,000 miles away from this sort of thing, because it is without an answer and without a solution. It's end is always as it's beginning and it's daily on-goingness--a crucible.
I am so sorry for your pain.
My life is really great with my husband and son and my business and health.
I'm quite happy most of the time, but this is just something that is always in the back of my mind.
When she applied on my website, I thought that crossed a line. When she paged me at the HNL airport - I thought this has to be it. Then when she found me in Phoenix...my dad with dementia was still able to understand "she has nothing better to do."
I guess I can't understand it. We would buy her a house. She could still travel. We would help her. But she won't take a step. That is what I cannot get my mind around. Who wouldn't be willing to speak to a doctor for $100,000?
Where I am I missing on this? Is it that I'm expecting rationale behavior from an irrational person
And yes, I've been wary of the unexpected every day. That is the issue. I've always known she was vindictive, a spy, and after wealth/men. I also knew this would happen eventually - but never imagined to this extent.
You need to stop enabling her to harass you.
If the application you submit is done concisely and properly, a Judge will sign it and a Preliminary Hearing scheduled within 2 wks. Mom must be served a copy 10 days before the Hearing, so hire a Process Server for $50 to serve her. During those 2 wks. Mom is not allowed to contact you whatsoever. If she does, you take a Screenshot and print copies for the hearing.
You (or your lawyer) must attend the Hearing or WILL LOOSE. Mom must attend or loose. A "no-show" at a hearing automatically looses. There is a 10 minute hearing, the Judge asks you both a few questions, such as, "Why do you pay for Mom's hotel?" ("I want her to live in a safe place.") or asks Mom, "Why are you stalking her so relentlessly?" ("Because I want a hug.") Judge takes 5 minutes to decide and grant the Permanent Order for up to 3 years. Judge will clearly see Mom is crazy, and grant your Order, plus included stipulations, such as Mom be 5150'd for full psychiatric/medical evaluation. She may be taken from Court directly to a local hospital for evaluation and proper medication. The authorities don't take suicide threats lightly. Mom is also a clear danger to herself and others, the criteria the Judge bases his decisions on. Hopefully Mom gets put in a hospital facility for a full mental/medical evaluation fairly quickly.
You each get a signed copy of the Order before leaving Court.
Get 10 copies made of your Order, to provide to local police offices, hotel manager, doctors, colleagues, or anyone else she uses to contact you. Carry a copy in your purse and car at all times.
Mom will be dumb enough to violate it within days, unless she is put in hospital for evaluation. Thus you call police (non emergency line) to report her. They will pay Mom a visit and warn her if she violates again, she will be arrested. One warning, next contact she makes, she will be arrested. You will be called, of course.
You DO NOT go bail her out! Mom will be released in 24 hrs, anyway, and go back to her hotel by Uber. County jails will not hold crazy senior women. DO NOT send any more money to the hotel, which will put you in violation of your own Order! Mom can get YOU arrested for funding her lifestyle.
If you are that obsessed or weak, you will loose. Wasting the Court's time with your drama will not work in your favor. Either do what you legally should, or end up screwed. Mom would be thrilled to turn the tables on her weak, wealthy daughter. It's fun for her to torture you for "attention" (aka money) right? Block Mom's emails, calls, stick to your Order, since if you do not, you will be seen as "mentally challenged" and not taken seriously anymore.
Otherwise, enjoy the cat and mouse game you play with Mom, pretending to actually "care" about this spoiled wacko you call your Mother. You obviously enjoy the high drama, since you are FUNDING IT.
Where is Mom's income (Social Security)? Hopefully if Mom gets 5150'd, while her medical evaluation is underway, you can find a Social Worker at said hospital to help get her placed in Memory Care. Refuse to fund her hotel, she can apply for Medicaid. Mom will be safe, fed and her meds supervised by 24/7 trained medical staff. She won't be allowed WiFi tools, or to leave the facility. If she doesn't have money stashed, she can't buy a phone or I-Pad to stalk you.
STOP allowing her to financially blackmail you!
Mom will be placed according to her mental/medical status (by the State as Guardian) with daily attention by staff. She won't get her luxury hotel or free house. She doesn't deserve any of it anyway.