12 different caregivers have quit on my parents because of their attitudes. Can anyone offer advice?

Do your parents rudely treat the caregivers while in your presence? Or is this something they enjoy doing in private?
I always say, treat them according to the age they are behaving.
It's time for YOU to draw the line (obviously the 12 previous caregivers thought their lines had been crossed).
Sometimes the best solution is to take the matter out of their hands.They might put up a fight (aren't they already doing that??) but will be secretly happy that a decision has been made.
Go ahead, make arrangements for a facility to meet their needs. Someone needs to act like an adult.

My parents at 95, live in their own home with caregivers 24/7. They refuse to go to a facility. They started with agency A. Had a lot of no shows, people coming to work sick as a dog, being verbally abusive to dad. That group of people quickly began to take advantage of the situation-controlling my mother by saying NO we are not allowed to help you, fix breakfast for you, do your laundry. Mom had a complaint list a mile long every day-similar to other post-laundry folding, wrinkled blankets, sheets on the bed, dishes in the sink, improper management of catheter, etc. Manager says no they are supposed to take care of both even though dad is primary due to his conditions. CG were going out of the house to sit in their car talk on their phones, sleep in the other room. 6 months later, quite a few ladies never seen again, mom has had enough. We hire agency B. Shocker they are worse than agency A. We go back to Agency A after 2 weeks. I looked into facility while dad was in the hospital-was parents would be separated as dad is nursing 24/7 and mom would be assisted at low level-2 separate units. Mom refuse to consider. Parents and CG are doing a tad better, now that a schedule and very specific instructions were approved by manager and she checks in regularly with my parents with un announced visit. Different crew of ladies are on the job-which seems to be helping, also no very young ladies who after a day or so decided they did not have to anything my mother asked. Home care or facility care is not going to be perfect-it is a hard job as any caregiver will tell you. I looked at bringing my sister home earlier this year when her facility at the time was horrible-horrible food, loosing weight, injuries. Long wait list every where i look. Took months to find a new place-sis continues to decline-covid is not helping . Plus community is in total lockdown now due to staff getting covid. I thought they were doing okay caring for sis but now sis diagnosed with scabies that has been bothering her-scratching and bleeding for months. I looked at day care and maybe bringing sis here before covid but did not see anything i thought she would like in the first place-large groups and basically craft activities-not her thing. I was afraid sis would have meltdowns/combative like before, try to leave, not take her pills, all she has done before with me, get weird or afraid with my family members. The idea of having her in my house 24 7 scared me and felt the responsibility would be overwhelming-as other family caregivers have posted and confirmed the toll on their life and family on this site a million times.

Being told one is “not doing things the right way - like folding clothes” to me just doesn’t seem to be enough for a caregiver to quit. Much less 12. The caregivers I’ve been around are pro’s at dealing with difficult & stubborn elders. They know how to ignore the insults or deflect the dramarama. It’s a job and they are there to get it done.

If 12 have actually quit, there’s imho some kind of loads more serious backstory happening...... they are not quitting cause mom or dad told them to fold the towels with the edges placed inside the trifold....
So what’s the story? Are they being paid legally and properly? Like hired through an agency or if hired freelance they are having full FICA & tax reporting done? & are getting paid regularly?
As it’s live in caregiver, are they being provided their own private bedroom & full meals & time off? Both daily breaks and full days off in which they are not, again NOT, accountable at all to your folks?
Are your folks threatening in some way? Like racist slurs? Sexual stuff?
Is there something about how your folks live that isn’t safe? Maybe use of drugs beyond what’s prescribed? Hoarding? Unsecured guns? Aggressive pets? Maintenance needed that creates unsafe housing?

A dz caregivers quitting is beyond odd.
So, really what’s the backstory?

Yes, stop replacing them. Let your parents deal with the consequences of their actions. Do not run to their aid.

If you’re dealing with an agency and you let them know that your LOs are super unpleasant, you may be able to hire people who won’t care how unpleasant they are.
We started out by telling the agency AND the potential caregiver that our LO would be “rude”, and were able to get a VERY good caregiver who didn’t give a second thought to what LO said, cooked like a pro, and ignored EVERY COMPLAINT.
I TRULY HATE those commercials on TV that are bathed in sappy sugary sweet music, show a sweet, smiley faced “caring friend” serving an exquisitely crafted salad to an equally sweet, obviously grateful and adoring person.

REALITY?? NO WAY! NEVER HAPPENS!

They aren’t going to change if they have gone through that many caregivers!

This is horribly frustrating for you. I’m sorry.

Must be an agency, to be able to produce so many different live-in caregivers, especially ones with such thin skins that I can't even tell what the issue is; wanting things done 'the right way' seems to me to be a consequence of a disabled person expressing how your parents want things done by the employee. What they, or you, or any of the other respondents to your post see as unnatural or "rude" or "treated so rudely", and so on, about that sort of communication is unclear.

Do your parents agree that they need a live-in carer?

Let them know it's treat the Caregiver nice do they stay or back to a home they go.

Also, if you have a Live In, you should use a relief Caregiver one day a week so your Live In can have a 24 hr day off or give her two 12 hr shifts off. Believe me, they need the break.

If you do not already have durable power of attorneys both medical and financial over both of your parents, make appointments with an attorney immediately. Attorneys can determine whether or not their client understands those documents i.e. is competent to sign the documents. If your parents refuse, it is a terrible idea for you to take on the responsibility of your parents without having the authority. Without having authority it's not surprising that your parents ignore you when you try talking to them about it.

Also, your parents do NOT get to decide about going to a care home as if they live independently and in a bubble. If they don't start being nice to their caregivers, make it clear that you are NOT going to step in and enable their poor choices. Learn to say something like "Mom and dad, if you continue to drive away your caregivers, you will not be able to continue to live in your home and I will not step in to fill the void left by those helpers."

If one or both does have dementia, start looking for memory care now before a crisis happens.

In reading this my first thought was they are like children. "If we sabotage everything, then Lucie will come and do it for us."

If they feel they are independent, then let them find out they aren't. It sounds like to me you have told them what you can and can't do since there was a need for aides. Stick by your guns. Sorry Mom and Dad but thats why you hired aides. I cannot be here 24/7 and at your beck and call. Maybe u need to reconsider an Assisted Living where there are people who can help you.

The other thing is, wait till an emergency. One ends up in the hospital and goes to rehab. Then ur told they need 24/7 care and the other can't do it and the NH needs to discharge safely. At that point the one at home is told they won't release the other because they are not capable to care for them and you aren't either. Then the decision needs to be made they both go to an AL if they want to be together.

Well you say in your profile that one or perhaps both have dementia. This means they are no longer capable of being reasonable.

It also means they are no longer capable of making sound decisions.

If they need full time care, then they need to accept it in their home or live in a facility. Since they refuse to play nice with care givers in their home, they will eventually have the big problem that puts one or the other into hospital and that will be the end of living at home likely for both of them.

The thing is, you have to step back and let nature take its course. It is hard to watch someone crash, but often it is the only option.

Step away. If after 12 caregivers they've managed to run them all off in one way or another it's pretty clear that they aren't ever going to accept anyone. And they didn't like the care home either so it's obvious they want to "live independently" with no help (except probably you!) Let them try it for awhile, without you taking on the responsibility. Talking to them isn't going to help because they need to learn by experience. If they have no help for awhile they will either make it work somehow which means they don't need the caregivers, or they'll realize that they need help and will accept the caregivers, or the disaster will occur and they will be forced into a care facility. In any case hiring one more caregiver or having one more discussion isn't going to help. Just like children, they learn through experience, especially bad ones.

Well, sometimes we make our choices by not making choices--in your parent's case, if the are plowing through CG's at that rate, there won't be an agency that will work with them.

'They lived in a care home before and hated it, so that doesn't seem to be an option'.

Well, that was then, this is now. Stubborn or not, they need what is best for them. I'm sure you've talked to them pretty sincerely about this dynamic--how they need to treat their CG's if they want to stay in their home.

You don't say how involved you are in their day-to day.

Let them try to get by with NO help for a week or two. They have to come to the conclusion they need to A: be nicer or B: they'll lose the ability to live in their home.

Growing old is the pits. Not to excuse their behavior, but be aware of that. Do you have any kind of 'control' over them? If you don't have POA, you're kind of up a creek.

Whatever you do, DON'T run to their house and make it be all right for them. That just allows them to continue on in a negative way.

I'd be all about letting them deal on their own. (DO they drive?? That's one thing that must be addressed, for safety issues). If they have to go completely without help, they may be kinder, or it may be time to re-visit an assisted living facility.

They sound like they are going to be contrary and unhappy no matter what, so my advice is to step back and leave them to it. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to be sucked into their drama or step in to fill the void when they are in need, it's their choice to behave this way and they need to live with the consequences.