12 different caregivers have quit on my parents because of their attitudes. Can anyone offer advice?

I have no answers for you but would be in the exact same situation if I could arrange home care for my 84 year old mom. Your parents sound like sweethearts compared with mine, whom we call Satan due to her lack of filter, verbal abuse and filthy language. In rehab now, she wants to return to her home but medical staff say she needs 24/7 care. Even tho agencies swear up and down their staffs could handle anything mom dishes out, I feel certain it would only take her demanding they get the you-know-what out of her house and that poor care staff would be out the door, even with me as POA and paying the bill. I feel for you!

Well thats the situation..TWO options.. so tell them straight. YOU are not their slave. either they accept home help or go back into a care home. give them one week to smarten up.
My father was like that. kept firing the carers but then if he liked one he would give her more money, even tho its against the law here. and it became real hell for my sister to manage.
Home help must be aware, can you ask them to let you know the complaints or the firing and then go and have a right family fight regarding their total patheticness.

MIL late stage alzhimer has not slept in 4 days. We are having to grinde the food, even the rice. Whats going on? Any advice?

Your parents wants you to be more available to care for them. I had the opportunity to care form an aging mother who had three grown children. The son and his wife lived around the corner from their family home. One day the mother asked me to walk with her to her son house. We could walk from her backyard into the son's yard. Once she saw his jeep gone, she knew they had went to the mountains. She came back to her house and while I was sitting outside on the patio she hit me in the hit with a broom and told me to leave her property. She knew as long as I was there her son and his wife would not be there to help her. She was put out of every assistant living facility her children place her in. Nevertheless, I stopped working and did not sue the patient because I understood her rationale for hitting me. It had nothing to do with me but to do with her children taking care of her. The patient was 90 years old at the time. It is the caregiver responsibility to ask questions. It is your parents home and they want someone who can do things their way. Nevertheless, they want someone who is going to show genuine love and care and not just drawing a pay check. Believe me they know when you genuine care for them. You need to be more visual and their behavior will change when you begin to listen to their complaints and do something about it. I hope this help your situation.

Frances73, about the no-kneeling rule - how do these agencies' caregivers help clients get their socks on?

It appears that lucie65 has left the building.

Just stay strong and hang in there no matter what and always tell them how much that you really love and care for them and just remember that your still a young person.

Find a care giver that can say ok ..and ask them fold the towells and show the care giver how they want it done ..sin charlina..some times its respect they want dignity respect its hard to.have some one do every thing for u ask them to help u.and show u how they like things done get them.involved with the activity ..let them.show u.how they like there food done ..then they will get there self respect back..

I googled "anger and dementia" and found this (there are many articles). I worked with a very abusive woman and it took me a while to realize it was part of her dementia. I gave her (and me) time outs. This helped a lot. Realize that your parents' behavior will not likely change. You do the best you can and that is all you can do.

When Caregivers Are Abused-How to address anger and aggression from a loved one with dementia---by Marc Agronin, M.D.

Determine the cause of the abusive behavior
A geriatric psychiatrist or other clinician who has specific training in both mental health and neurocognitive disorders can help you understand why one is suddenly cruel or angry. 4 most likely causes can be summarized by four D's:
DENIAL, DEPRESSION, DELUSIONS, DISINHIBITION___________

Denial. Some people are oblivious to their cognitive changes and tend to get angry and erupt at anyone who suggests that they are impaired.
DEPRESSION_______________
Depression is extremely common in the setting of neurocognitive disorders, sometimes as a result of knowing the diagnosis but more commonly due to pathologic changes in brain structure and chemistry. Depression may manifest in irritability or anger instead of sadness, and is accompanied by symptoms such as insomnia, poor appetite and weight loss, lack of energy and interest, and physical aches and pains.
DELUSIONS________________
These are defined as false but fixed or deeply held beliefs, and more than half of people with Alzheimer's and other neurocognitive disorders tend to have them at some point. Delusions often involve paranoia (they might believe that someone is trying to harm or steal from them) or jealousy (accusing one's partner or spouse of having an affair, for instance). Delusional beliefs cannot be altered by logical reasoning or argument, and can lead to intense fear and anger.
DISINHIBITION_____________
Characterized by inappropriate, uncharacteristic or strange behaviors, disinhibition is seen in early stages of frontotemporal dementia and in later stages of Alzheimer's. In addition to verbally abusive or inappropriate comments, it may include behaviors that seem out of control, crude or embarrassing.

3. Treatment
Once the doctor has a hypothesis of what may be driving the verbal abuse, a relevant treatment plan can be devised. Denial is difficult to address but does not always require confronting the person with the diagnosis. Instead, the doctor needs to build a supportive relationship around issues that the afflicted person is concerned about, such as poor sleep or nervousness. Depression can be successfully treated with both antidepressant medication and various forms of talk therapy. Delusions often require antipsychotic medications, while disinhibition may respond to certain medications that temper the lack of brain control.

Imho, as one ages into their elder years, they are not actually able to change the way that they do things easily at all, i.e. if they've always gotten up at 4:30 A.M., they will still want to arise that early. I tried to amend things with my mother such as the time that she arose daily because, after all, there was not a whole lot thay occupied her day, so there was no real need to arise that early. But it was to no avail - I wasted my words. Similarly, your parents may not be willing/"able" to change. Prayers sent.

Are they able to understand what their choices factually are? Adjust to the fact that their lives have changed and they need to be flexible and very cooperative with their caregiver? Hint: Don't treat people who are trying to help you rudely. Because if you do you will soon drive away the potential helpers you need in order to stay in your home. I'm curious - what do they think will happen if they drive potential carers away. Do they expect you to move in? Unless you are willing to do so, have you been downright blunt about the fact that you are not a solution?

we all have certain ways we like things. You might have to tell them "look, either show the care person how you want it done or do it yourself".  And if they personally can't do it (and if they need help doing lots of things), ask them what difference does it make how things are folded.  And just because they were in a care home before and didn't like it, oh well....they will have to learn to adjust.  it sounds like they are throwing "tantrums" and when they get what they want, they know what to do the next time, and they push the stakes higher each time until people give in.  Maybe someone just needs to say "no" this is how it is being done now and just continue on with the task.  Now being rude to the care people is not right.......are they suffering from dementia starting?  that is a phase that they can go thru.  If not, it might be because they are in pain and hate the fact that they have to have others do things for them.  If they keep acting up and forcing people to either quit or they tell them to leave, you need to let them know that they will soon be put into an assisted living place, no ifs, and, or buts because there is no one else willing to come to the house and YOU can NOT do it either.  wishing you luck on this

This is not a problem you can solve for them. The only thing you can do now is to make sure they both subscribe to a home monitoring system like Lifeline.

Unfortunately it will take an emergency to change their minds. I just pray it will not be a life-threatening one.

TRyan to find someone they know to help them. Don't use the word care for them. I am always a helper. Find someone from your church or again, someone they know or someone close by but not to put caregivers that work for a company, but a regular person just needing extra income always seems to be a better fit. Someone who is a right fit for them is out there, be patient.

Your parents seem incredibly spoiled and likely have always treated service people like servants in one way or another. They left a care home because they hated it. Let them suffer the consequences of their own behavior and do not help them find new caregivers. They will come around when the burden of caring for themselves becomes more important than the exacting standards they place on others. Your parents need to learn this lesson the hard way. Unfortunately, word gets around about people like your parents and pretty soon, no agency or person will be willing to take them on. They sound like they have enough money to stay in their home, but not the survival instincts to make it happen. Too bad. Unfortunately, their inflexibility will also increase the risk of accidents in the home, poor nutrition, etc, so it’s important that you step up your physical presence in the home to evaluate emerging risks.

I also HATE those TV commercials that try to make it look like sweet, peaceful, all is well. Just more lies! I have no help from anyone and his family and children don't even call to check on us. I float between, denial, anger, recement, being grateful, feeling trapped, I can do this, I can't do this, planning, waiting and what if and when.
Nothing any harder than being a care giver 7/24. It has been 15 years with Alzheimer's and 40 years of other major health problems and hospitalizations. Prayer and others prayers, a few good Doc is where I give credit to my survival. I try to be grateful for what my husband can still do for himself but, I need to stay one step ahead with planning everything. and constant stress and trying to figure things out and wonder "what does this mean". My own health is suffering, but what about "for better for worse, richer, poorer, till death do us part". What about memory care when Doc suggest it, . It is not that easy and to figure out how to pay for everything. When I read about folks who have it harder, my heart goes out. The only thing that I know is that God is in control and I have more decisions to make and will do my best to get it right. Thank You for "listening"
My best to all!

So odd because my cranky parents were so charming and sweet to their caregivers but not family. I did make sure their caregivers had experience with seniors with dementia and multiple issues. Only one was not a good fit and I let her go. Most of the time senior caregivers know just how to handle difficult clients. Make sure your parents understand unless they behave they will need to go back to a facility. Repeatedly I tell my mom about Adult Protective Services because unless she walks everyday she will become weaker and not be able to live alone( with caregivers and family visits).

No agency.!!!!!
Try finding one person. Strange people coming and going scared the h*ll out of them.
I am a caregiver, and have had 4 seniors I have cared for over the years . Most for over 6 years.

JBryan,
Peffect answer. I have done this and it works

Might be time to have a "sit down, lay your cards on the table talk"
Tell them , not an option, that if they do not accept the help that they need in the house you will have NO option but to find another "care home", Assisted Living place for them. And once there they will not be able to come back home. They can not live alone and care for themselves and you can not do it.
Sure they are not going to like having someone help them out but that is the way it has to be.
Make a list of the things that they need help with, get their input on this as well
Have them explain how they want things done (within reason) and present this to the caregivers. (I had to laugh at this when I read about folding clothes right...my husband never folded towels, he said he couldn't fold them the way I wanted them folded. I told him as long as they fit on the shelf I did not care how they were folded. Funnier yet..I had moved in with him, he had lived in the house his whole life as he had ben born on the front porch! NO excuse for not knowing how to fold towels!)
No one wants to admit they are in need of help. To do so is giving up a big part of your independence and that is difficult. We fight for independence from the time we are born and to give up some of that is hard.
Tell them if this does not work out there will not be an option 2 it will be moving to a facility where they can be cared for.

Not sure if this has been suggested, but I got to a point where when the Caregiver showed up (first few times I was there) we would pretend it was 'my old friend from school' and 'oh, well here"s Michelle mom, remember her?'. And have conversations as if wed known each other for a long time (just basic how's it going, how's the kids, etc...). Eventually, she'd show up, knock and come on in and slowly but surely work up to the "well, I'm going to have grilled cheese and soup, would you like some?'.... 'Or, I'm going to fold these towels real quick, would you like to help?". Instead of a Caregiver, it was their 'old friend' (or long lost cousin, or whoever it was they liked)....We got them very involved with whatever Caregiver was doing. Didn't matter how bad the folding went (matching socks is a great brain game too) and my mom, for example, loved to have someone read to her, so - I'd have the caregiver say, '" oh, listen to this part' and keep reading until your parent\s say to stop. Don't let them know he\she is actually working for them, rather an old friend stopping by to chat or do things together. Worked for a little while for us. Best wishes to you!

She said live in care givers. I take that to mean one person there on call 24/7. That may be a bit much for one person dealing with 2 people.

Seems that it's time for YOU to level with THEM about how you perceive YOUR responsibility. Let them know that on-looking authorities are WATCHING YOU to see that tou have the ability to help your parents - - that if they keep doing whay they're doing, even though they want YOU to help them, the State will step in, without THEIR consent, or YOURS, and take over their care, and strip THEM of their rights, and YOU, of making any choices on their behalf.

So explain, if THAT'S want they want, then keep doing what they're doing, because that is the eventuality of what will happen.

IF you try to reason with them, in all sincerity, and they're not able to "get it", then it's time to realize that they are incapable of making decisions in their own best interest, and you must do what you must do, sooner rather than later - - that is, NOW...

They are frustrated and sick and old and they hurt. Are they struggling with depression? Accompany them to a primary care visit. If they are prescribed any antidepressants, consider consulting with a geriatric psychiatrist. Watch for appropriate dosages and medicine interactions during the first 30 days.

Certainly 12 is a high number of quitters- are their other factors besides the grouchy behavior? Low pay? Unreasonable requests? Infrequent pay? General unkindness? Impossible schedules/long hours? Are the former employees qualified or trained to perform the requested tasks? Contact those who quit to see if they are willing to provide an “exit interview” to reduce future turnover.

Perhaps a tweak (higher pay) will make the difference. The certified CNAs who worked with my parents and grandparents were trained to be understanding regarding negative geriatric behaviors.

Maybe hiring 2 to “tag team” is a solution for unusual or demanding schedules.

If you or a sibling can become more involved as a point person, future problems can be mitigated.

My mother’s moods come and go. Give her 5 minutes and she changes from queen B to sweet as pie. It is the age and the decline. So I agree with those who say find someone who can let it wash over them and move on past it to get the job done. A thick skin and the knowledge that “this too shall pass” are needed!

Experienced care givers know different techniques of how to care for difficult people. I see this in my mother's assisted living facility and I've learned a lot from them. When you hire a caregiver, ask them if they have ever dealt with a difficult person. If not, and you want to hire them, perhaps you can send them to get some additional training. Consult with a social worker to find out what your options are. Sometimes parents will accept advice from someone else, rather than their children.

I agree with the comments pointing out that most caregivers grow thick skins quite quickly. The incident I remember best (because I reported it without thinking in my handover notes and people in our office laughed at me) ran: "G_ greeted me with 'go away' but soon cheered up and was able to engage fully in his morning routine."

Mind you, for the G_ in question, that was pretty mild. I was also on the receiving end of "you don't get any prettier, do you?" "do what you want, you stupid cow" and a few unprintable expletives. The key thing about this particular client, though, was that we all of us - and some of my co-workers heard much, much worse from him - really cared about this man's wellbeing. Usually, if you spoke civilly to him he was civil in return; but there were days when his miserable life made him desperate and foul-mouthed. I can't truly blame him for anything he said.

There was a long-running battle about food. It was our job to make sure that if he didn't eat a meal, he at least had food to hand that he could help himself to. G did not agree: "I SAID, I'M NOT HUNGRY!!!" I watched one sweet girl, who can't be more than 24 years old, carefully arrange a plate full of G's known preferred snacks in the kitchen; then just as we were about to leave and lock up, she darted into his room, popped the plate on his table and ran like the wind.

So - the OP's parents may be hard to please, but it is a rare client who stands out for intolerable rudeness. I'd be interested to know exactly how many caregivers have resigned in protest, and how many have been let go.

I had a similar problem with my parents. Dad needed a lot of help after a stroke but was too stubborn to admit it. Mom was too frail to do the physical things he needed done and too small to help him when he fell.

I had a tough talk with him, telling him he was risking Mom's health and safety by not having help come in. And that I was not going to quit my well-paying job to be their caregiver, not happening!

We hired an agency who sent a worker on 3 times a day. Some they liked, some they hated. Mom did the same thing, complaining to me that they didn’t do things the way she wanted. I told her she was their employer and it was up to her to give them directions, they aren’t mind readers!

Also, my parents were not accustomed to having an employee and were pretty uncomfortable with giving directions. Maybe you could sit down with your parents and get a list of issues that bother them. Then review that list with the next caregiver and discuss it with everyone concerned to agree on what is most important.

Mom wanted the carer to scrub her kitchen floor on her hands and knees the way mom always "used to," I told her no one would do that anymore, I didn’t do that myself and certainly wouldn’t do it for her.

If they are still competent to understand a conversation, you can explain it to them as - you have two choices. Be a little kinder to those who are there to help or return to the care home they were in before.

You might ask them what they hated about the facility. And for each thing they hated, is it better with Ms Caretaker doing it for you in your own home? Would you want to be talked to the way you talk to Ms Caretaker? No. It is rude and she doesn't deserve it. So. . . do you want to live at home with caretakers helping you out - or - do you want to return to the facility? You have a choice.

I would also do some kind of covert observation - get a camera that you can see what's going on. It seems a little odd that they were able to run off 12 caregivers. Most people in that field are used to some pretty mouthy patients. There could be some real over the top abuse from your parents. Definitely figure that out before assuming you've only had some weaklings that can't handle some clothes folding criticism.

Seems they have reached the point where living at home is no longer an option. I would suggest assisted living, but if they need somebody to "do everything" for them, they need a total care residential facility.

They probably have a lot of fear and anxiety since they are dependent on others for their care. Please talk to their doctor. They may benefit from antianxiety medications as well as strict routines - easier to get both well-monitored in a residential facility.