12 different caregivers have quit on my parents because of their attitudes. Can anyone offer advice?

They sound like they are going to be contrary and unhappy no matter what, so my advice is to step back and leave them to it. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to be sucked into their drama or step in to fill the void when they are in need, it's their choice to behave this way and they need to live with the consequences.

Well, sometimes we make our choices by not making choices--in your parent's case, if the are plowing through CG's at that rate, there won't be an agency that will work with them.

'They lived in a care home before and hated it, so that doesn't seem to be an option'.

Well, that was then, this is now. Stubborn or not, they need what is best for them. I'm sure you've talked to them pretty sincerely about this dynamic--how they need to treat their CG's if they want to stay in their home.

You don't say how involved you are in their day-to day.

Let them try to get by with NO help for a week or two. They have to come to the conclusion they need to A: be nicer or B: they'll lose the ability to live in their home.

Growing old is the pits. Not to excuse their behavior, but be aware of that. Do you have any kind of 'control' over them? If you don't have POA, you're kind of up a creek.

Whatever you do, DON'T run to their house and make it be all right for them. That just allows them to continue on in a negative way.

I'd be all about letting them deal on their own. (DO they drive?? That's one thing that must be addressed, for safety issues). If they have to go completely without help, they may be kinder, or it may be time to re-visit an assisted living facility.

Step away. If after 12 caregivers they've managed to run them all off in one way or another it's pretty clear that they aren't ever going to accept anyone. And they didn't like the care home either so it's obvious they want to "live independently" with no help (except probably you!) Let them try it for awhile, without you taking on the responsibility. Talking to them isn't going to help because they need to learn by experience. If they have no help for awhile they will either make it work somehow which means they don't need the caregivers, or they'll realize that they need help and will accept the caregivers, or the disaster will occur and they will be forced into a care facility. In any case hiring one more caregiver or having one more discussion isn't going to help. Just like children, they learn through experience, especially bad ones.

Well you say in your profile that one or perhaps both have dementia. This means they are no longer capable of being reasonable.

It also means they are no longer capable of making sound decisions.

If they need full time care, then they need to accept it in their home or live in a facility. Since they refuse to play nice with care givers in their home, they will eventually have the big problem that puts one or the other into hospital and that will be the end of living at home likely for both of them.

The thing is, you have to step back and let nature take its course. It is hard to watch someone crash, but often it is the only option.

In reading this my first thought was they are like children. "If we sabotage everything, then Lucie will come and do it for us."

If they feel they are independent, then let them find out they aren't. It sounds like to me you have told them what you can and can't do since there was a need for aides. Stick by your guns. Sorry Mom and Dad but thats why you hired aides. I cannot be here 24/7 and at your beck and call. Maybe u need to reconsider an Assisted Living where there are people who can help you.

The other thing is, wait till an emergency. One ends up in the hospital and goes to rehab. Then ur told they need 24/7 care and the other can't do it and the NH needs to discharge safely. At that point the one at home is told they won't release the other because they are not capable to care for them and you aren't either. Then the decision needs to be made they both go to an AL if they want to be together.

If you do not already have durable power of attorneys both medical and financial over both of your parents, make appointments with an attorney immediately. Attorneys can determine whether or not their client understands those documents i.e. is competent to sign the documents. If your parents refuse, it is a terrible idea for you to take on the responsibility of your parents without having the authority. Without having authority it's not surprising that your parents ignore you when you try talking to them about it.

Also, your parents do NOT get to decide about going to a care home as if they live independently and in a bubble. If they don't start being nice to their caregivers, make it clear that you are NOT going to step in and enable their poor choices. Learn to say something like "Mom and dad, if you continue to drive away your caregivers, you will not be able to continue to live in your home and I will not step in to fill the void left by those helpers."

If one or both does have dementia, start looking for memory care now before a crisis happens.

Let them know it's treat the Caregiver nice do they stay or back to a home they go.

Also, if you have a Live In, you should use a relief Caregiver one day a week so your Live In can have a 24 hr day off or give her two 12 hr shifts off. Believe me, they need the break.

Do your parents agree that they need a live-in carer?

Must be an agency, to be able to produce so many different live-in caregivers, especially ones with such thin skins that I can't even tell what the issue is; wanting things done 'the right way' seems to me to be a consequence of a disabled person expressing how your parents want things done by the employee. What they, or you, or any of the other respondents to your post see as unnatural or "rude" or "treated so rudely", and so on, about that sort of communication is unclear.

They aren’t going to change if they have gone through that many caregivers!

This is horribly frustrating for you. I’m sorry.

If you’re dealing with an agency and you let them know that your LOs are super unpleasant, you may be able to hire people who won’t care how unpleasant they are.
We started out by telling the agency AND the potential caregiver that our LO would be “rude”, and were able to get a VERY good caregiver who didn’t give a second thought to what LO said, cooked like a pro, and ignored EVERY COMPLAINT.
I TRULY HATE those commercials on TV that are bathed in sappy sugary sweet music, show a sweet, smiley faced “caring friend” serving an exquisitely crafted salad to an equally sweet, obviously grateful and adoring person.

REALITY?? NO WAY! NEVER HAPPENS!

Yes, stop replacing them. Let your parents deal with the consequences of their actions. Do not run to their aid.

Being told one is “not doing things the right way - like folding clothes” to me just doesn’t seem to be enough for a caregiver to quit. Much less 12. The caregivers I’ve been around are pro’s at dealing with difficult & stubborn elders. They know how to ignore the insults or deflect the dramarama. It’s a job and they are there to get it done.

If 12 have actually quit, there’s imho some kind of loads more serious backstory happening...... they are not quitting cause mom or dad told them to fold the towels with the edges placed inside the trifold....
So what’s the story? Are they being paid legally and properly? Like hired through an agency or if hired freelance they are having full FICA & tax reporting done? & are getting paid regularly?
As it’s live in caregiver, are they being provided their own private bedroom & full meals & time off? Both daily breaks and full days off in which they are not, again NOT, accountable at all to your folks?
Are your folks threatening in some way? Like racist slurs? Sexual stuff?
Is there something about how your folks live that isn’t safe? Maybe use of drugs beyond what’s prescribed? Hoarding? Unsecured guns? Aggressive pets? Maintenance needed that creates unsafe housing?

A dz caregivers quitting is beyond odd.
So, really what’s the backstory?

My parents at 95, live in their own home with caregivers 24/7. They refuse to go to a facility. They started with agency A. Had a lot of no shows, people coming to work sick as a dog, being verbally abusive to dad. That group of people quickly began to take advantage of the situation-controlling my mother by saying NO we are not allowed to help you, fix breakfast for you, do your laundry. Mom had a complaint list a mile long every day-similar to other post-laundry folding, wrinkled blankets, sheets on the bed, dishes in the sink, improper management of catheter, etc. Manager says no they are supposed to take care of both even though dad is primary due to his conditions. CG were going out of the house to sit in their car talk on their phones, sleep in the other room. 6 months later, quite a few ladies never seen again, mom has had enough. We hire agency B. Shocker they are worse than agency A. We go back to Agency A after 2 weeks. I looked into facility while dad was in the hospital-was parents would be separated as dad is nursing 24/7 and mom would be assisted at low level-2 separate units. Mom refuse to consider. Parents and CG are doing a tad better, now that a schedule and very specific instructions were approved by manager and she checks in regularly with my parents with un announced visit. Different crew of ladies are on the job-which seems to be helping, also no very young ladies who after a day or so decided they did not have to anything my mother asked. Home care or facility care is not going to be perfect-it is a hard job as any caregiver will tell you. I looked at bringing my sister home earlier this year when her facility at the time was horrible-horrible food, loosing weight, injuries. Long wait list every where i look. Took months to find a new place-sis continues to decline-covid is not helping . Plus community is in total lockdown now due to staff getting covid. I thought they were doing okay caring for sis but now sis diagnosed with scabies that has been bothering her-scratching and bleeding for months. I looked at day care and maybe bringing sis here before covid but did not see anything i thought she would like in the first place-large groups and basically craft activities-not her thing. I was afraid sis would have meltdowns/combative like before, try to leave, not take her pills, all she has done before with me, get weird or afraid with my family members. The idea of having her in my house 24 7 scared me and felt the responsibility would be overwhelming-as other family caregivers have posted and confirmed the toll on their life and family on this site a million times.

Do your parents rudely treat the caregivers while in your presence? Or is this something they enjoy doing in private?
I always say, treat them according to the age they are behaving.
It's time for YOU to draw the line (obviously the 12 previous caregivers thought their lines had been crossed).
Sometimes the best solution is to take the matter out of their hands.They might put up a fight (aren't they already doing that??) but will be secretly happy that a decision has been made.
Go ahead, make arrangements for a facility to meet their needs. Someone needs to act like an adult.

Seems they have reached the point where living at home is no longer an option. I would suggest assisted living, but if they need somebody to "do everything" for them, they need a total care residential facility.

They probably have a lot of fear and anxiety since they are dependent on others for their care. Please talk to their doctor. They may benefit from antianxiety medications as well as strict routines - easier to get both well-monitored in a residential facility.

If they are still competent to understand a conversation, you can explain it to them as - you have two choices. Be a little kinder to those who are there to help or return to the care home they were in before.

You might ask them what they hated about the facility. And for each thing they hated, is it better with Ms Caretaker doing it for you in your own home? Would you want to be talked to the way you talk to Ms Caretaker? No. It is rude and she doesn't deserve it. So. . . do you want to live at home with caretakers helping you out - or - do you want to return to the facility? You have a choice.

I would also do some kind of covert observation - get a camera that you can see what's going on. It seems a little odd that they were able to run off 12 caregivers. Most people in that field are used to some pretty mouthy patients. There could be some real over the top abuse from your parents. Definitely figure that out before assuming you've only had some weaklings that can't handle some clothes folding criticism.

I had a similar problem with my parents. Dad needed a lot of help after a stroke but was too stubborn to admit it. Mom was too frail to do the physical things he needed done and too small to help him when he fell.

I had a tough talk with him, telling him he was risking Mom's health and safety by not having help come in. And that I was not going to quit my well-paying job to be their caregiver, not happening!

We hired an agency who sent a worker on 3 times a day. Some they liked, some they hated. Mom did the same thing, complaining to me that they didn’t do things the way she wanted. I told her she was their employer and it was up to her to give them directions, they aren’t mind readers!

Also, my parents were not accustomed to having an employee and were pretty uncomfortable with giving directions. Maybe you could sit down with your parents and get a list of issues that bother them. Then review that list with the next caregiver and discuss it with everyone concerned to agree on what is most important.

Mom wanted the carer to scrub her kitchen floor on her hands and knees the way mom always "used to," I told her no one would do that anymore, I didn’t do that myself and certainly wouldn’t do it for her.

I agree with the comments pointing out that most caregivers grow thick skins quite quickly. The incident I remember best (because I reported it without thinking in my handover notes and people in our office laughed at me) ran: "G_ greeted me with 'go away' but soon cheered up and was able to engage fully in his morning routine."

Mind you, for the G_ in question, that was pretty mild. I was also on the receiving end of "you don't get any prettier, do you?" "do what you want, you stupid cow" and a few unprintable expletives. The key thing about this particular client, though, was that we all of us - and some of my co-workers heard much, much worse from him - really cared about this man's wellbeing. Usually, if you spoke civilly to him he was civil in return; but there were days when his miserable life made him desperate and foul-mouthed. I can't truly blame him for anything he said.

There was a long-running battle about food. It was our job to make sure that if he didn't eat a meal, he at least had food to hand that he could help himself to. G did not agree: "I SAID, I'M NOT HUNGRY!!!" I watched one sweet girl, who can't be more than 24 years old, carefully arrange a plate full of G's known preferred snacks in the kitchen; then just as we were about to leave and lock up, she darted into his room, popped the plate on his table and ran like the wind.

So - the OP's parents may be hard to please, but it is a rare client who stands out for intolerable rudeness. I'd be interested to know exactly how many caregivers have resigned in protest, and how many have been let go.

Experienced care givers know different techniques of how to care for difficult people. I see this in my mother's assisted living facility and I've learned a lot from them. When you hire a caregiver, ask them if they have ever dealt with a difficult person. If not, and you want to hire them, perhaps you can send them to get some additional training. Consult with a social worker to find out what your options are. Sometimes parents will accept advice from someone else, rather than their children.

My mother’s moods come and go. Give her 5 minutes and she changes from queen B to sweet as pie. It is the age and the decline. So I agree with those who say find someone who can let it wash over them and move on past it to get the job done. A thick skin and the knowledge that “this too shall pass” are needed!

They are frustrated and sick and old and they hurt. Are they struggling with depression? Accompany them to a primary care visit. If they are prescribed any antidepressants, consider consulting with a geriatric psychiatrist. Watch for appropriate dosages and medicine interactions during the first 30 days.

Certainly 12 is a high number of quitters- are their other factors besides the grouchy behavior? Low pay? Unreasonable requests? Infrequent pay? General unkindness? Impossible schedules/long hours? Are the former employees qualified or trained to perform the requested tasks? Contact those who quit to see if they are willing to provide an “exit interview” to reduce future turnover.

Perhaps a tweak (higher pay) will make the difference. The certified CNAs who worked with my parents and grandparents were trained to be understanding regarding negative geriatric behaviors.

Maybe hiring 2 to “tag team” is a solution for unusual or demanding schedules.

If you or a sibling can become more involved as a point person, future problems can be mitigated.

Seems that it's time for YOU to level with THEM about how you perceive YOUR responsibility. Let them know that on-looking authorities are WATCHING YOU to see that tou have the ability to help your parents - - that if they keep doing whay they're doing, even though they want YOU to help them, the State will step in, without THEIR consent, or YOURS, and take over their care, and strip THEM of their rights, and YOU, of making any choices on their behalf.

So explain, if THAT'S want they want, then keep doing what they're doing, because that is the eventuality of what will happen.

IF you try to reason with them, in all sincerity, and they're not able to "get it", then it's time to realize that they are incapable of making decisions in their own best interest, and you must do what you must do, sooner rather than later - - that is, NOW...

She said live in care givers. I take that to mean one person there on call 24/7. That may be a bit much for one person dealing with 2 people.

Not sure if this has been suggested, but I got to a point where when the Caregiver showed up (first few times I was there) we would pretend it was 'my old friend from school' and 'oh, well here"s Michelle mom, remember her?'. And have conversations as if wed known each other for a long time (just basic how's it going, how's the kids, etc...). Eventually, she'd show up, knock and come on in and slowly but surely work up to the "well, I'm going to have grilled cheese and soup, would you like some?'.... 'Or, I'm going to fold these towels real quick, would you like to help?". Instead of a Caregiver, it was their 'old friend' (or long lost cousin, or whoever it was they liked)....We got them very involved with whatever Caregiver was doing. Didn't matter how bad the folding went (matching socks is a great brain game too) and my mom, for example, loved to have someone read to her, so - I'd have the caregiver say, '" oh, listen to this part' and keep reading until your parent\s say to stop. Don't let them know he\she is actually working for them, rather an old friend stopping by to chat or do things together. Worked for a little while for us. Best wishes to you!

Might be time to have a "sit down, lay your cards on the table talk"
Tell them , not an option, that if they do not accept the help that they need in the house you will have NO option but to find another "care home", Assisted Living place for them. And once there they will not be able to come back home. They can not live alone and care for themselves and you can not do it.
Sure they are not going to like having someone help them out but that is the way it has to be.
Make a list of the things that they need help with, get their input on this as well
Have them explain how they want things done (within reason) and present this to the caregivers. (I had to laugh at this when I read about folding clothes right...my husband never folded towels, he said he couldn't fold them the way I wanted them folded. I told him as long as they fit on the shelf I did not care how they were folded. Funnier yet..I had moved in with him, he had lived in the house his whole life as he had ben born on the front porch! NO excuse for not knowing how to fold towels!)
No one wants to admit they are in need of help. To do so is giving up a big part of your independence and that is difficult. We fight for independence from the time we are born and to give up some of that is hard.
Tell them if this does not work out there will not be an option 2 it will be moving to a facility where they can be cared for.

JBryan,
Peffect answer. I have done this and it works

No agency.!!!!!
Try finding one person. Strange people coming and going scared the h*ll out of them.
I am a caregiver, and have had 4 seniors I have cared for over the years . Most for over 6 years.

So odd because my cranky parents were so charming and sweet to their caregivers but not family. I did make sure their caregivers had experience with seniors with dementia and multiple issues. Only one was not a good fit and I let her go. Most of the time senior caregivers know just how to handle difficult clients. Make sure your parents understand unless they behave they will need to go back to a facility. Repeatedly I tell my mom about Adult Protective Services because unless she walks everyday she will become weaker and not be able to live alone( with caregivers and family visits).

I also HATE those TV commercials that try to make it look like sweet, peaceful, all is well. Just more lies! I have no help from anyone and his family and children don't even call to check on us. I float between, denial, anger, recement, being grateful, feeling trapped, I can do this, I can't do this, planning, waiting and what if and when.
Nothing any harder than being a care giver 7/24. It has been 15 years with Alzheimer's and 40 years of other major health problems and hospitalizations. Prayer and others prayers, a few good Doc is where I give credit to my survival. I try to be grateful for what my husband can still do for himself but, I need to stay one step ahead with planning everything. and constant stress and trying to figure things out and wonder "what does this mean". My own health is suffering, but what about "for better for worse, richer, poorer, till death do us part". What about memory care when Doc suggest it, . It is not that easy and to figure out how to pay for everything. When I read about folks who have it harder, my heart goes out. The only thing that I know is that God is in control and I have more decisions to make and will do my best to get it right. Thank You for "listening"
My best to all!