I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
Autumn seems to bring a lot more than pretty leaves and cool weather. Seems to me it brings on serious dread/depression of the long months ahead. People here in the PNW pretend to have this "OH YAY" attitude as if they love 5 months of dark dreary and cold rainy foggy days on end. Personally, I don't believe them!!
I am loading up on Vitamin D and a good all around Vitamin supplement. You know, this is my 3rd winter here, each one I say I simply can't make another one without dying... yet, here I am, watching mom do her 5 mile, 3 hour trek around the house...
Jesse.... I so love your posts and way of thinking :) I'm finding my enrichment in my big pittie I rescued 9 months ago. Since she's a teenager compared to my other 3 geriatrics :D she makes me want to take her for long hikes along the river. Besides, winter steelhead are one the way up and I need an easily accessible place to land one. Such a tasty fish! I only get 3 hours 3 times a week and damn sure I will not waste those precious hours!!
SusanA...thanks... I am still hanging, although I really didn't think the time change would affect her like it did :/ boy oh boy.... it really brought out the not so good in her. Since I changed every light in this house to "daylight" lights, I sorta kinda helps...sorta....kinda... sigh. As hard as it is at times, I don't think I could bad talk about my mother. She wasn't always this way and one day she no longer will be this way either. One day I may be that way and I surely hope I am not talked about like a crazed person while sitting there listening.
hehe, so glad I missed the "cleaning" day posts!! Our house is clean, but it's not spotless. There is no rush to clean dishes... my OCD is the floors/carpet. The day y'all was talking cleaning, I was shampooing the carpets again. I do this monthly... geriatric dog and mom whom occasionally takes a whiz wherever. well.... Invest in a nice shampooer ;)
Countrymouse... I shall never look annoyingly at something else again without "laying my ears" back!! Too funny!! ( yes, I can move my ears)!
Feeeeeeeding time!
I am still smiling about you having your nails painted. There was an article in our local newspaper where this columnist took her 9 and 12 year sons to the nail place where she was having her nails painted.... the sons decided to have their toe nail done, and they didn't care what anyone thought about it. The nail salon used navy polish. Any negative remarks the boys got from friends or relatives, they just shrugged their shoulders and said "who cares". Good for them. They even got one of their friends to get his toe nails painted. Next time they plan to get the colors of their favorite football team :)
Its depressing.
brrrr
edna was sleeping this afternoon and i dont wake her up so even that bit of comraderie didnt transpire . dam'nt ..
When I work in the yard I can think clearly and I think my biggest issue is that I know I am going to lose her...only the good Lord knows when....I truly do not want it to be soon...I wish she would continue to live a long life as long as she is happy. Sometimes she seems to be happy, sometimes she looks like if she could raise her arms she would pinch my head off. And somewhere in the recesses of my mind I can still see her, the laughing, funny, loving Mama that was and is my best friend. I know I will live after she is gone because I will have to, but I just can't imagine how...and that is what is killing me...As I have said before, I literally cannot breathe at the very thought of her being gone. I don't want to think of it. I am not in denial at all...it is all too real...but I want to be able to do all this with some form of grace ...the way she would do it...and I feel like I am failing so miserably....I try to entertain her, make her laugh...and all the things that used to crack her up ...now she just looks at me....I never knew how much it would hurt.....until now....so I guess that is what is wrong with me....It's not that I'm having to be here...it's that I am dreading a life of not having to be here......
Well, this day ended better than yesterday...so I will get up tomorrow and make another go at it...and then another.....
3 years ago, I was working full time at a good job, with health insurance, benefits, retirement - the works. Suddenly, out of the blue, the economic downturn hit our industry, and my employer instituted the first layoffs they'd had in over 12 years. I found myself working 2 weeks, then unemployed for 2 weeks. What a nightmare. I had already been doing my Virtual Assistant work part time on the side, and my supervisor was well aware of it. So, I went to her and told her that with my next 2-week layoff period, I was going to see if I could build up my client list enough that I could work full time for myself. I did just that - I never went back. It was *not* an easy decision. I was like a cat being taken into the bathroom for a bath - I had all four limbs outstretched and hanging onto the doorframe of my old job, screeching, "Nooooo! I don't want to! It's SCARY!!" LOL But somewhere inside of me, there was a little voice saying, "Do it. Take the leap. Sh*t or get off the pot, already!" So I did. And I never looked back.
I didn't know why I felt so pushed to make that leap. Leaving a full time job with health insurance, retirement, etc - for an uncertain future as a freelancer with NO benefits at all, no health insurance, and questionable potential - it was really a frightening prospect. But I felt so strongly that I *needed* to do this, even if I didn't know why, that I finally just did it.
1.5 years after I made that leap, my father passed away, and I found myself moving in with Mom to take care of her. She would not have made it if I hadn't. She would have sunk into depression and quickly gone downhill.
Even when we don't know why, there's a reason for these things that happen to us.
I'm not proud when I allow the sadness and isolation to get to me...and firmly believe my Mama can sense all this...so I can't afford to let this prevail...for her sake as well as mine. I don't understand much in life anymore. I thought the older I got I would develop some kind of aha moment where it all made sense...it seldom does BUT I do know an awful lot of things have happened, even in my life, that it cannot be coincidence....I have to believe there is a higher purpose and meaning behind all of it. I have been working towards getting out in the sunshine all morning and finally got to point where I can do so, so here I go. Mama is snoozing, has eaten well, is all freshened up and cozy and they have started playing that great soothing holiday music on one of my favorite channels...so going to let Mama drift off to dreamland and I am drifting to the yards..even though now it may be only for a couple of hours or so. I see my cats are waiting for me...so it alawys makes me feel perkier to get out there and breathe....Have a fun outing with your aunt...I can just imagine how proud your Mom is of you....thanks for you always encouraging and motivational words Captain :)
moms eventual death led me to spend the next year caring for my aunt . the poor girl hadnt left her couch at IL in 2 - 3 years . we spent the last year hanging out and doing , in her words , " whatever the hell we want " . this has all felt like either destiny or a blessing in disguise . i have no reason not to think that the next chapter might be the one where good things come home to me .
think ill go see my aunt right now . that good thing might be one of those hot looking women at nh . lol
eh . we dont control things that " just happen " but we can rise to the occasion and make positive experiences out of them .
Then, the neighbors dog was in heat, kept getting out of the fence...they are sweet people...BUT...could care less about whether the dog gets injured, picked up, etc....well, yes, I have gotten attached to her, so I have spent the last six weeks repairing their fence and finally just told them I would pay for her spay if they would take her...so she is spayed thank God, but now she has pulled her lead out of the ground so I had to spend part of my morning getting her set back up (after I found her roaming the neighborhood again)...I don't know...no one seems to feel any sense of responsibility ...not even for their own selves....
I know I am going to have to make myself focus somehow and get back to living. I enjoy being in the yard and so today will venture out there and see what I can do....looking so forward to my doctor's appointment this Friday that I don't know how to act...hoping and praying that he will put me back on the meds that used to help....
I am a huge animal rescuer and while there is not a lot I can do these days with some of that activity, I still remain active doing what I can there. I enjoy my cats and my music...and even though food is the last thing I need to be thinking of as I sit here I love cooking...and I found an applesauce bar recipe that I think may find it's way into the oven today...Most likely I will eat only one of them, but just the smell of apples baking in the oven is comforting to me for some reason....
I do a lot of balking...because I want to have something here to serve with coffee when people come...but they don't come...if I could just wrap them in some neat fashion and hop on a bicycle and sell my treats that would be fun...but I can't leave the house....but it gives me ideas...I love my writing...so I write...only to myself...I used to write to the children I would have one day...but the children never happened so I write to me now....
You know, I think back to all the years when I was much younger and I have always been a hard worker...not only mentally, but I physically did things that most dare I say none of my other female friends would or could do....I'm not sure now why I did all that...or why my parents let me do it...sawing trees down and hauling timber, digging up concrete slab with the pick axe, learning how to be totally self sufficient..but hey...surprise!!!! a good thing I guess I learned all that stuff because here I am...needing to be totally self sufficient...so I guess things do work out the way they're supposed to....
I always believed God prepares each of us for what He has put us here for.....Maybe I was always a caregiver in training....it's funny...being outspoken has gotten me into a LOT of trouble throughout my life...not outspoken in a mean or arrogant way I don't think, just standing up and speaking out when no one else would do it...and I have always caught pure h*ll for doing it...until someone needed something to be done...then who are they gonna call......me....I think I just feel worn out..and I know that we all feel that way so please don't think I feel like the lone ranger ....thank you all
I personally think an answer to our feelings of estrangement is to find ways to feed our spirits that are starting to lag. How to do that differs from person to person. Some people find enrichment in horses. Other people in Nature. Others in religion. Another big one is volunteering for something important to us.
I am thankful you mentioned being in despair, because I am going down that road, too. It made me stop and think about what I needed to do to shake this foul mood and edginess that makes me want to hide in my room.
Something that really helps me is to find people who add to me, instead of taking away. There are certain people I am drawn to because I leave feeling better about me. They don't compliment or do things like that. It is more of a spiritual enrichment thing. I think I need to find a few of those people about right now.
I don't worry so much about my monetary future. I have always been an always will be a survivor...I find a way to make it...because I am a fighter and I know that is the only reason I am still hanging in here....but what sucks the life out of me is the abandonment because I was raised in such a loving home and this is so foreign to me...I don't even recognize these people...ah well, it is what it is...as depressed and disgusted as I am at them, they are to be pitied...it's not fun right now, but I'd still rather be me than them.
Capt has his own religeon but even then there is a purpose in everything. Capt has been cured of his hep c why was that he has not led an exemplery life. But he took care of his Mom and now has been spared to bring some joy to the end of Edna's life. He has had excellent care from the VA unlike some others. Why was that? There has to be a reason. Capt is helping himself not sitting on his ass collecting SSDI, he is being rewarded for his effort. He has a roof over his head by his own efforts. he is storing away all the free food or almost free food he can lay his hands on so he will be well fed over the winter. Does not concern him if it is not his favorite it is fuel for his body by his own effort.
Hope there is a future for you but it is not based on dreams it has to be based on action and helping yourself. Sadly Mama will not be with you for much longer and that will be a great loss. But what are your plans Hope,not dreams, plans?
What can you do now to prepare for the future? I realize you are tied to the house but you are on the computer. Should you be studying for something if you have spare time. You can tell Mama what you are doing, she will enjoy your sharing, she knows what is in her future but she must worry about you. there are so many things you can learn even if it is only a new hobby that you can become expert at.
You are in the deep well right now but remember the donkey who fell down the well and the farmer decided that as he was old and useless so he would just burry him in the well and save himself a lot of trouble. The farmer and his friends start shovelling dirt on to the donkeys back. The donkey is very sad and realizes what is happening and is ready to give up but with an another shovellful hitting his back he gets mad and shrugs the dirt off his back and climbs up on top of the pile. he keeps doing that untill the exhausted farmer and his friends throw on the last shovel and are ready to walk away. The donkey pops up his head,climbs out of the well gives a loud bray and trots off never to return. Are you a donkey or a farmer Hope?
im 56 yrs old and when i look back on life it seems it was a series of smackdowns . i wish i knew how to encourage you a bit . my life is boring as s*it right now and seems to lack purpose but i guess no one ever promised me exitement or stimulation . winter is staring me in the face and im getting rather old for the kind of work i do . the best i have for the future is the hope that something purposeful will come along. i guess im saying that even the uncertainty of dementia care for my mother gave me more of a purpose than i seem to have right now .
one doesnt have to read very much international news to see that we have life pretty good in the usa tho . were not embroiled in a civil war and starving . maybe we have it too good . without the struggle there is little to overcome ..
sorry . not much consolation but my intentions are good .
i envy my oldest son . his GF is a paramedic on the streets of gary indiana -- hes an obssessive housekeeper . she says good for him . if it was up to her shed be trashed on booze by noon every day on her days off . my kind of girl . lol
Presumably they recruited these people among the student body; the article doesn't say. It's written by a doctor-columnist who's essentially grumbling about wasting his breath. But then again who knows how unhealthy they'd all have got if they hadn't been nagged regularly? Perhaps they wouldn't even be around to be consulted!
If Mom would have stayed active instead of settling into this rut of not doing anything at all unless she absolutely has to, she would be in far better shape now - but now it's too late to change much. I am working with her on eating somewhat healthier, and she has started to lose some weight, but I have to be realistic about the fact that no matter how much weight she loses, the damage is already done. The "use it or lose it" rationale doesn't work on her, either.
After we kids left home, she stopped cleaning altogether except doing superficial things in the main rooms. Instead of throwing things out or donating, she would stick them in the empty bedrooms. Soon the house was stacked with useless stuff. It is why I mention that one thing that causes hoarding is laziness. It is easier to set something somewhere than it is to discard or donate it.
My mother could still have many good years left, but she is lazying herself out of existence. I encourage her to do things, and tell her to use it or lose it, but my words fall on deaf ears.