My "whine moment today." What's yours?

man i do not want to go to town today but if im going to make coconut creme pie its pretty hard to fake milk .

Jessie...oh how horrible...I would NEVER hire someone off the street to do a major job like that either...and you're right,...there are a LOT of people who would fake an injury to get money out of a homeowners insurance company...and the person who will pay will be the homeowner..and our parents generation always handled things by just paying for the repairs themselves and being nice...we don't live in that kind of world anymore...and people are savvy as to what they can get away with. I suppose that is one reason I ended up handling so much of Mama and Daddy's affairs...they were too nice and I got tired of watching people take advantage of their honorable nature....It made me hardened to a large extent...but I have seen too many people taken advantage of ...bless your heart...and your parents...I only know you on here, but that makes me furious for you and your parents...I hope karma bites that man in the hiney one day soon...

BTW, I wasn't living here then. If I had been, we would have had a roofing company come in. They could knock the work out in a couple of days. Some people are penny wise, pound foolish.

I wouldn't be surprised if there are people who would fake an accident and injury to cash in on some of that home insurance money. If we hired someone who wasn't insured, our insurance company would be most unhappy with us, and our premiums would probably show their discontent. I'd rather pay a bit more for someone with credentials and references that can be checked with the BBB and Angie's List.

My parents hired an uninsured person to do their roof about 10 years ago. He started having back trouble after he took off part of their roof. He left it that way for over two weeks -- no tarp, nothing. I talked to my mother every day, telling her to get someone in to finish the job. She wouldn't do it. Finally a torrential rain came. There was so much damage to the uncovered part of the house. My parents didn't even file insurance or have a damage crew out to dry things out. They just paid some thousands to have someone professional do the roof and fix the ceilings and walls. Unfortunately, they didn't tend to the moisture, so the damage is still extensive.

The uninsured worked didn't have the money they paid him, so he swore he would cut their grass for free for the rest of their lives. That lasted a little over a year before he said he had to start charging again. I guess he hoped they would die soon.

It was exasperating. I told them not to hire this guy, because I knew he wasn't dependable. I told them over and over to get the roof back on the house. My mother was so busy being "nice" that she wouldn't act. It is a good lesson on why not to hire an unlicensed, uninsured person, even if you think you know him.

Jessie..sadly that is true ....and the liability issue is a very real concern...we live in a very litigious society and there is a host of people who would sue you in a minute if they were working for you and had an "accident"....having spent most of my career as a claims investigator I saw it happen all the time.

We have people going door to door here occasionally, looking for work. When I talk to them I can see that they look unlicensed and uninsured. I don't even ask. I just say we don't have anything that needs doing. My biggest concern is liability if they should hurt themselves. If I call someone, I'll know who I am talking to before I schedule a service. These are sadly not the old days when you could lend a brother a hand by letting him do some work for you. The hand gets bitten too often now.

freq...I agree not all door to door types are bad ....I guess it's just like any other issue...diligence....I am usually out in the yard when I'm not caring for Mama and I think a lot of the ones who stop by think I am having a hard time when they see me raking, sawing, dragging logs, etc...but oddly ..yard work helps me think things through and focus...and is excellent exercise...now that my hip is not hurting ....tahnk you Lord!!!....I will be able to enjoy my yard work again.....I am so jubilant about being pain free...it has been a very very long time....and again, why on earth I waiting so long I do not know...stubborn maybe????? :)

Captain, you are so right, the good companies don't need to knock on doors to get business. I should know this since I was a landlord for decades and dealt with craft people the whole time... I always went back to those who did outstanding work and didn't bug me for more work.

Our subdivision lets a lot of workmen going door-to-door because the ages of the houses, average 35 years old... yep, time for new roofs, new windows, new siding, new gutters, new driveways, trees cut down.

Earlier this year I did have a person who was grinding up tree branches, who was going door to door, to drag out whatever limbs and branches they could find, the cost was very reasonable. They spent most of the day in our subdivision doing work.

hope, same here regarding being barefoot or in the colder months those fuzzy socks.... the socks are so comfy, but a bit of challenge to walk on wooden floors... oh well, good exercise for keeping one's balance in check :)

The gutter company called me this morning [sigh] as they wanted to reschedule the day for the tech to come out to give a quote.... the fellow on the other end of the phone was very polite, so I was polite back... told him our work schedules have changed plus I am caring for very elderly parents so right now it would be impossible to set a new date and time, as I never know from one minute to the next.... he laughed, but it was a laugh of knowing what I was going through, he said "hang in there, Mam"... told him to call after the first of the year. Yeah, I know the company will call me back then, but I won't be answering.

Thanks Veronica..I agree! I am focusing on the here and now for sure....I don't want to miss one sweet moment with Mama....I know that whatever comes I will be able to handle it....Mama raised me that way :) We never know what tomorrow holds anyway...so many things going on out there...I don't believe in being fearful of the future, but we need to always enjoy what's before us or we surely can miss out on a lot.

I am so happy to report that for the first time in I can't remember when, I am in no pain whatsoever ....the meds my doctor put me on, in addition to something for my nerves, is already kicking in apparently. I had gotten to a point where I literally walked with a limp and the other night was in so much pain that had I had someone to sit with Mama I most likely would have gone to the ER...and I am not one to give in to pain...but it was frightening...but today...pain free!!!! I feel like I can do anything...sooo thankful....why on earth did I not do that a LONG time ago... :)

Fun note......I am notorious for running around barefoot....or else just wearing those little fuzzy socks that are so cozy..problem is I lose one or go through them so fast I wanted a different alternative...

Ladies houseshoes are too flimsy, too cutesy, too many bows, elastic, etc etc...so I was in the dollar store the other day and spied a pair of men's basic houseshoes...of coulrse you have to buy a much smaller size but Oh my goodness!!!! I am in heaven in these shoes...they are just inexpensive plain old men's houseshoes..I'm sure I am not the first one to discover it...but I am living in these things...and I'm sure my feet are thankful...they are so cozy

freq...I agree with Captain re the gutter installation folks...also, I remember very recently in our neighborhood we had a highly regarded security company going door to door with a "special deal"..I normally don't answer the door anymore for any of these kinds of folks but like you, on that day, got caught right there in the door...Thankfully I was not in the market and so he left but left his name and number with me in case I changed my mind...soon after, on our local news, we were informed there was a scam going around door to door purporting to be the very security company and they were in fact scam artists...I remembered at the time he came..."I don't remember them ever going door to door for business because they are so well known they don't have to"...

It's sad that there are so many looking to make a buck and run or do a shoddy job and be gone from the area but I think they also know which neighborhoods are more elderly saturated...ours is....and so we get a lot more of that...On another note, we do have one guy who comes around on a regular basis but we have known him for years and years and he always did odd jobs for my Mama and Daddy and he is reputable and does excellent work so I am thankful when he comes by...he is a hard worker...but those folks you don't know.....yep...I'd avoid those for sure...

I so agree Captain....I do feel a huge sense of calm, even now..and know how blessed I am to be here..as all of us know it isn't easy...but then anything worth doing and anything worth having is easy to obtain. But just as true, nothing on earth can take that kind of peace away from us....

Hi Hope Capt is right some dynamic force has put you where you are to take care of Mama when she needs you the most. You know it is God.
I know you are able to manage things wonderfully on your own and have to build up trust with strangers. Hospice is there for you to call in the darkest hours of the night, not necessarily to tell you what to do but also to be a friendly voice when you are at your lowest point. Try and concentrate on the here and now the future will take care of itself. After all you have been through you know you will be able to survive and their is something waiting around the corner. The important thing is when a door opens don't slam it shut. Many hugs.

Hey Capt no ones going to sue you as you well know. mostly it's just idle threaths they only go after the ones with deep pockets. yours may be deep but they are full of holes so the blanety blank lawyers won't get a dime.

hope,
some kind of dynamic forces have put you back with your mother during her biggest hour of need in her lifetime and when its over youll feel so blessed that you wont give a dam about anyone elses approval . my life is still one of hard labor and difficulty but theres a calm that defies explanation . its like ; sue me , if you need one fork and one spoon that badly .. suckers !!

freq,
look around until you see a custom home being built . not a subdivision but a high end custom home . stop and ask about their gutter men . these builders " command " the cream of the crop in subcontractors and theyre a close knit community . most of these subs operate by reputation and word of mouth and havent the need to even advertise . these are the true mom n pop operators and theyd take a loss to protect their reputation. they are the ones in construction for the long haul . they certainly dont need to pound on doors and flim flam people .

Veronica, yes, I agree....Mama is on Ensure, well actually has been since December 2013...she drinks only that and I have one of those wonderful little blenders so I add things like apples, applesauce, peanut butter, even bananas on moderation, sweet potatoes, pretty much any of the fruited baby foods...(not all at once of course..lol) but I bump up the ensure with those and also to just have a variety in flavor other than just the vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. The doctor has always told me this was great and so far she has done wonderfully and I'm guessing the extra fluid from the all ensure diet along with her water is great...but the sudden lack of urine output continues to frighten me, and yet, I know this is part of the process. The hospice nurse came out today and checked on her, her temp is back to normal again and she has been very talkative today and enjoying herself...last night when her temp had soared and I was afraid, I almost called hospice for them to send a nurse, but then I already knew what they would do and it was the same thing I was already doing...Mama was sleeping and seemed to be comfortable and I knew her body was doing what it is supposed to be doing and so I just kept monitoring her and kept an eye on her. I hope that was the right thing to do but I think it was because it makes me feel like I will be able to handle things as they happen without panicking ...I want things to be as calm and normal for her as possible. I want the people who love her to be able to see her and I hope they realize they need to be doing that....I can't even describe the feelings I have now. I feel so sad...but I also feel blessed to be here...I feel lonely and I feel afraid...but I feel some comfort knowing Mama has lived an exemplary life and is ready. I try hard to let her know I am ok and that my brother and I are ok. I told her the other day we would always look out for one another and I do mean that....this is hard but so far we are hanging in there...and tonight is quiet and peaceful and she is taking another nap. I took some pictures and am about to load them onto my laptop so she can see them when she wakes up..or in the AM whenever she feels more like seeing them...and I am having me a good hot cup of coffee.....I love you all....thank you for making me feel so much less alone.....

Jessie, my parents live in the same subdivision where I live... so I know this gutter company must have rang their doorbell, too. I feel safe about them and door-to-door salespeople. My Mom rarely hears the doorbell, and my Dad can hear it but it takes him about 3 to 5 minutes to get up out of his recliner and walk to the front door.... by then the salesman has left :)

No more answering the front door unless I know ahead of time someone is coming... sorry, Girl Scouts and high school marching bands :(

Hope can you encourage Mama to drink. Water is good but if she does not go for that whatever she fancies but stay away from the caffiene Is she retaining fluid? If you press on her lower legs does it leave a dent? does her face look swollen? If so have the hospice nurse check her out and ask for a diuretic if she is not already taking one. This is the hardest time while you watch your loved on slowly prepare to leave this life. It is rarely sudden at home - just a slow fading away. Let Mama take the lead her body will tell her what to do. nothing needs to be done because it is good for her. Comfort care is the reason why hospice is there. if she refuses food and drink that is fine she does not need it. this is why hospice will not give artificial nutrition. It just puts another stress on the body that can't cope because it is old tired and worn out. all she needs now is your love and you are giving plenty of that. keep telling her that and reassure her that you will be OK when she is gone. Share with her what you might do and let her know you will miss her so much but know she is in God's loving arms. It is OK to lie beside her and hold her even sleep a while together.

Don't agree to anything unless you have initiated the contact. That is also true for what appear to be trusted organizations like the sheriff's annual camp for disabled kids. Because they called you you have no idea whether they are who they are or not.

ff, that is horrible and scary. Thanks for the heads up!

Door to door salesmen.... normally I don't answer the door but the salesman happened to have seen me, so little old polite me answers the door. Actually he was from a company who's name I was quite familiar with, but never used. The company had a sales event on gutters and I was interested in what he had to say as it was on my list to replace or have fix the gutters. So we set up an appointment for a tech to come out at Sat at 5pm to give me a quote.

The next day I wanted to reschedule the appointment because darkness takes over rather quickly at 5pm. Then there was a voice mail message saying the appointment would take 90 minutes..... say what?.... 90 minutes to figure out a quote for gutters? Red flag.

Sig other called to cancel appointment. The company gave him a hard time, said I signed paperwork to have the gutters installed, yada, yada, yada. More red flags. I fired off a calm and collective email saying I was within the Federal law 3 days *cooling off* period for anything that was signed regarding door to door salespeople. So far I haven't heard squat back.

Now I can see how elderly or people with memory issues can get tangled up with door-to-door salespeople. The paperwork I signed I was told was to guarantee that I would get the sales event price should I order gutters. I know, my fault for not reading the fine print and asking for a copy. I was too tired to bother.

I was just so surprised this well known local company was strong arming potential customers this way.

Jessie, there's an old story about a member of the House of Lords who was congratulated by a younger peer and asked "so how does it feel to be 90?!" He drily replied: "better than the alternative."

I suppose what we'd like some higher authority to tell us is when, exactly, being old ceases to be better than the alternative. Of course there's always Mother Nature, but nowadays we tend to insist on a second opinion.

Well, I got my doctor's appt over with and just feeling some relief at knowing that all the blood work is in process and so everything is being checked on...he does not think my leg is a blood clot and that is a huge relief...I am already on my meds, including one for depression...LONG OVERDUE....

Mama is much better today mentally and has really made up for not eating yesterday. BUT...the urine output, though better, is still not normal ...and yes, i know that at her age of 90 she is not going to get better...And so I have that deep down feeling where there is a knowing that it is coming...and it hurts...but it hurts more to think of how much Mama does not want to linger in a state where she is not enjoying her life....Right now she is laughing again, and we have had some very precious moments today thank God...I live for those...I wander around in our yard, where Mama worked so lovingly and diligently for all those years...I see all the flowers, wild and otherwise, that are there because she put them there...the colors are so vibrant and I want to show them all to her. I try to take pictures and upload them to my laptop so she can enjoy them too....But knowing that my Mama will never walk in that yard with me again...feels like someone is pulling all the air out of my lungs....I try to remember that when that time comes and she is gone from here physically, I have to hang on to the firm belief in my heart and soul that she will still be with me...and she will be happy and whole again...and as she used to comfort me as a small child and tell me when I would lose a beloved pet, she would tell me..."you don't need to worry about them anymore, they are OK now...they are a lot better than you are, their suffering is over"..... I know it's coming...but I don't think today...and maybe not for a while...or a long while...only God knows. But in the meantime, I am making the most out of our time and thinking back to all those years when I lived away from home and would worry about her so much and wished I was closer and wanting to be closer and couldn't figure out how on earth to get here and yet, here I am...and God handled all that...and so He will handle the rest. I think I'm going to go get those pictures now.....

in my mother and aunts cases ALL of the organs are diseased .
my whine today . i spent 75 bucks freshening up chainsaw blades and made 60 for a load of wood . man , getting ahead is a jerky process in this economic climate . still have the 70 bucks from yesterdays truck repair to make back . S*IT !!

Litldogtoo, that was so well written and so true. This makes me think of one of the questions I find most tiring: How's your mother? I say she is fine or the same, whichever seems best. Maybe I just say that she is old and she is going to continue being old until she is gone. I know the people asking are just being polite, but they ask the same question each time you talk to them. They don't realize that each person we talk to ask us the same question.

Maybe we should just say "still old," but that feels a bit crass. :-/

There is an excellent book by a man named Sherwin Nuland, "How We Die" ...

Our parents are too old. It's a fact, and it shouldn't be hurtful if a doctor tells you that.

And once they lose their ability to think, what's the point? No, I'm not for killing them off before their time, but at some point we have to accept the fact that they die because their bodies just can't pump the blood through the 80 plus year old veins that have had blood pumped through them for, well, 80 years plus.

While it's hurtful, it's fact. And at some point we need to accept fact, at some point we are all going to die. I know my mom is too old at the age of 91. She's just too old.

Note: doctors don't usually put the death as age related, there's always some cause they use, heart failure (which is true, the heart failed because the heart was 'too old', or kidney failure, (yes, the kidney's fail because they are 'too old'.

We cannot expect our elders to be around forever and once we understand that with our brains, not our hearts, we will all be better off.

Head colds running rampant here, my wife, me, then dad, now my wife again.... Dad does not listen, waits to take meds, gets worse. Then throwing up and diarrhea for a few days. Throws up in the sink not the toilet..... Has hourly descriptions of the oblations. Daily calls to the Dr. Now wet wheezing, that's it, hes going to the Dr. today. Was supposed to be my wife's and I week of alone time while he went to my sisters. Maybe next week? Have to go to a family event for 3 days so no quiet time for us. Need a get away! My bro and sister have no responsibility but my sister now checks in all the time because she is the nurse (me EMT) and she is 8 hours away........ I think I can manage. But I just want to run away! Far away......................... but alas I have to work..... at home...... with it all......... There are days I yearn for the office.

i think it'd be an accurate statement to say that the last few months of an ailing parents life the primary carer is in a terminal state of grief and shock . maybe these are the very emotions that cause us to push thru the exhaustion and do the best job we can on the elders behalf . when they cease to exist there is definately a sense of relief that they are no longer suffering but then theres that deafening silence . i had to get out of my moms house in a matter of hours after she passed away . my domestic partner was gone and the place seemed foreign and lifeless .
good luck to you hope . youve had a lot of personal turmoil . try to be as cheerful with mom as possible under the circumstances . its the smiles and laughter that youll remember after shes gone . my aunt in spite of her age and dementia is one who keeps it light and chuckles a lot . ill have great memories of the many hearty laughs weve had . my mom was ill with bipolar most of her life so the laughs were few and far between . caring for her in her final months was tense and difficult . men dont handle the crying jags very well ..