My "whine moment today." What's yours?

57twin - thanks for the thought - not sure how that would work or who I would contact about it. I suspect we're just going to have to continue using the pads until she hits the NH stage and then they'll have to find a way to deal with it there. I'm going to call them sometime in the next week (when mom is sleeping) to see if they have any suggestions.

Jeanette - I guess it's just one of those times when things feel a little overwhelming. I have 2 relatives or near-relatives (like my sis-in-law's mother) who are elderly and declining very rapidly and it's hard to watch, knowing that one day relatively soon, that's going to be Mom. She's already going downhill faster than expected, but one of these days, it's going to be a very marked decline. I was thinking yesterday, "How do I determine when she needs to go to the NH, finally? Do I wait til she has a stroke or some other major medical issue, or at some point, do I just say 'that's it' for me?"

I know I will wait until it's absolutely necessary, and hopefully, the decision is taken out of my hands - she knows that if she becomes completely unable to walk anymore, or requires any lifting, that she will need to go to a NH. She doesn't like the idea, but she understands. We've had long talks about this.

SusanA have you thought of havjng someone make custom underpants for your mom?
That could help you out.

Susan, I got the stages info off the Alz.org website. The tissue problem is mention in stage 6. They say it isn't good to go by the stages anymore and some docs just don't believe in them. So... you can't judge purely on that. I thought it interesting how SO many go through the same exact issues.

If I go by these stages, mom has been in early stage 7 for 6 months or more.

Nothing in set in stone

Why the doldrums? Is it 34 outside and heavily raining since yesterday? LOL I barely got the trash cans to the curb. Those giant raindrops felt like frozen water. If ya wanna do an ice bucket challenge all you need to do is step outside!!

I probably should do some cooking and cleaning tonight - that always helps get me out of the doldrums.

Thanks, Jeanette -

Is there a link to a site with the stages of AD that you're mentioning? I'd like to have that at hand to refer to. Pretty sure mom is in the late beginning to middle stages here. One sister keeps insisting that she's just depressed, but trust me...she's not here every day 24/7 to see what I see. No one is.

Have been thinking some long thoughts today.

SusanA, putting the used tissue in the waste basket is part of it all. They actually use that to describe one of the stages in AD. Go figure huh? Now why would that be such a universal problem?

Here's an interesting twist. Me personally, am happier that my mom's 80% incontinent. Those endless trips to the bathroom where nothing happens have ended. At first those dreaded BM's started to get to me... especially after a bout of constipation from H*LL!! I've got a system going to make things easier on her and me. Finding a way to accomplish this particular change in major important for YOUR sanity. A good bathroom spray, diaper genie, vast amounts of baby wipes, gloves, desitin and a lovely cleansing spray that's safe on the buns is my saving grace :)

Funny how one thinks one can't do certain things until one is tasked to do it. The will to survive is a strong force.

I'll bet if anyone IN CONGRESS had to do some of this stuff themselves, note the word, themselves.... they'd do something better than $55,000 to massage bunnies...

Now that I got that off my chest, when poop happens, you need to ramp up your Nurse Ratched...

Attendant Warren: Good morning, Miss Ratched.
Nurse Ratched: Good morning.
Attendant Washington: Good morning, Miss Ratched.
Nurse Ratched: Mr. Washington.
Miller: Morning.
Nurse Ratched: Good morning.
Nurse Pilbow: Good morning, Miss Ratched.
Nurse Ratched: Good morning.
Attendant Washington: Morning, Bancini.
Bancini: Morning.
Attendant Washington: How do you feel?
Bancini: Rested.
Nurse Pilbow: Medication time. Medication time. (Except here you would say, "Shower Time, Shower Time"

Litldog -

I had the same conversation this morning with Mom, but not about raisins:

Me: (upon getting out of bed and finding Mom's BM in the toilet, no paper with it, so she not only didn't flush, she didn't WIPE) Mom, you need to shower this morning.

Mom: Yeah...later.

Me: No, Mom, you need to do it this morning. You had a BM without wiping, so you're not clean. You need to shower.

Mom: I did? Uh oh. Ok.

(an hour passes, and she lays down for a nap)

Me: Mom, after breakfast, you need to shower.

Mom: Ok.

(Breakfast is eaten and she sits for another 20 minutes or so...)

Me: Ok, let's get in the shower, Mom.

Mom: (looking wistfully at her bed) But I want to lay down....

Me: No, Mom - you need to shower now. You can lay down afterwards. Let's get it over with and then you can lay down. You had a BM in the toilet this morning with no paper - so you didn't wipe.

Mom: (looking insulted) I did too wipe!

Me: Mom, there was no paper in the toilet - just your BM - so no, you didn't wipe.

Mom: I put the toilet paper in the trash.

Me: .......... (stunned silence, not sure what to say to that - but almost 100% certain she DIDN'T put the toilet paper in the trash - I empty that can every morning when I take my own shower, and I would have seen/smelled it if it was in the trash can!)

Mom: (putting on the pouty spoiled child face and voice) Really? I just want to lay down....

Me: No Mom....shower. Now. Come on, let me help you get up and get in there.

Mom: I can do it myself (and she gets up and shuffles to the bathroom, with me following her all the way so she doesn't get sidetracked and sit on the bed on the way through...otherwise she won't get up again)

(30 minutes pass while she sits in the bathroom doing nothing....)

Me: Mom?? Are you ready to get in the shower?

Mom: Yeah...in a minute.

(10 mins later)

Me: Mom?? Let me help you get in the shower.

Mom: Ok

(Finally gets in the shower...)

At this point, I just come out and collapse into my chair. It takes an act of Congress to accomplish some of the things we do every day....I swear.....

Tex -- sorry your mom is such a pain. And I'm sorry she has such an awful effect on you. All I can suggest is that you do your best to keep to your original plans for your day, but accept that it won't be the serenity-filled day you thought it would be. I have noticed that, when that sort of thing happens to me (my day is sabotaged because I don't have enough boundary setting skills), it's important to remind myself that I'm LEARNING how to deal with this. Resume as much of your plans as possible, even though your blankey-blank mother got in your head again. See if, at the end of your day, you feel just a little better for not letting her torpedo everything. Good luck! hugs...

Raisins!

Me: Where did all the raisins go?'

Mom: I don't know (flat affect)

Me: Are you putting them on your Raisin Bran?

Mom: No

Me: Well, where did they go?

Mom: I don't know.

Me: Did Gremlins come in the night and take them (BIG MISTAKE)

Mom: (and this is kind of funny because she can't say Gremlins so she says something else, all very seriously) "What are 'Gemerlins (whatever) "I hope not!"

Not one to give up, I keep on...

Me: Well, where did they go?

Mom: Maybe someone took them. (again flat affect)

And it went on, and on, and on, until I just decided it was no longer funny.

Circular, circular where will it stop :)

She's in there now watching The Price Is Right. (All I can hear right now is, "A NEW CAR! "

Before, she was watching Let's Make A Deal, her new show. Seriously, ma, rap music?

SusanA - I know the feeling. My mom and her sister are the last of eighteen children, all of whom made up the family traditions. My mom has is getting worse, by aunt just told me she was diagnosed with 'early Alz' and started talking about Santa Claus, which wouldn't be so bad except she's one of Jehovah's Witnesses and they don't believe in Santa Claus. Me thinks her diagnosis has advanced to a bit more than 'early' :)

At any rate, my aunt is my favorite aunt and I've always wished she was my mother, not my own mother.

I'm an only child and while I have three children of my own, we're all separated by living in different states.

So, it's getting lonely out there ...

Tex, can you get out of the house while Mom is out? Get some time to yourself? You need to do something for yourself today.

Thanks for the suggestion, FF - I have tried them - male, female, and unisex - all of them have the same problem - too short.

Well, mom won this morning. Right now she is in her bedroom with my friend ,and mom is just happily animated,she has someone to supervise,meanwhile I gave up to my anxiety and have already taken Valium. You just don't know what it was like being a kid around this woman.Right now I am curled up in bed and feel like pulling the covers over my head and just staying here. I cancelled my massage, won't be going to the gym, and will only go to the barn to just feed, SHE wins again.Her behavior towards me as kid was emotional abuse with the ever present threat of it going physical.My husband knows to just stay away from me when MOM triggers something in me and I had warned him her behavior would escalate in some way when I told her I would start riding again. She sees the resuming of my riding and trailriding with others as my independence and she just can't stand it.Well, she got her wish, I am miserable, staying in my bed in my room hiding and this is where I will be all day and she probably will go out shopping and out to eat and have an even better time knowing I am miserable.

Last night on the telephone my Dad said he is going to start driving again... he's been off the road for 6 years now because of age related decline [did he think he became younger during that time frame?]. Six years ago he damaged the right front tire/rim of their car in two separate incidents while driving because he was driving too close to the curb due to poor eyesight.

The reason Dad wants to start driving was because I told them last month I had to limit my driving due to serious panic attacks I get while driving.... great, let's throw some major guilt onto my illness, just what I need :P

Dad grumbled, and I once again said that if he and Mom had moved to that retirement community years ago, they would have free transportation to go shopping or to the doctor [I will drive my folks to the doctor if it is near by].

Then I read Dad the riot act, that if he and Mom were in a serious accident that he would lose his house and all his wealth. Everything they worked so hard for the past 70 years. [I hate confrontation, so I am shaking just typing this]. I didn't mention injury because $$$ speaks louder with my parents.

Another UPDATE: After I made it very clear to mother that she may be looking at an ER trip where I would NOT be sitting in the waiting room or be at her bedside in the ER due to a fecal impaction, guess what, it was a miracle. The second glass of miralax my husband made her worked. She described it as "the blessed event has occurred." I asked her how "blessed" was it ,she said enough to stay out of the ER. I again, calmly, which wasn't easy for me, went over why it was important for her to communicate to me if she was even slightly straining to have a bm so we could catch "something" early. But made it very clear I wasn't sitting in an ER for hours because of constipation, I know this sounds mean but you have no idea what a narcissistic person she is. This forum has really been the only place I have been able to "talk" to other children of Narcissistic mothers. They will make you think you are crazy, and to outsiders they present the face of a "normal" human being and if you say anything about their behavior in front of outsiders then you are looked at as crazy ,or just a mean old daughter.I am trying not to let this episode upset me, she knows. the effect her behavior has on me, she wins if I let this ruin my day.She will just sit back and enjoy the aftermath.All I planned to do today was go to the barn for a while,take care of the horses, then go to the gym to use the treadmill, get a 20minute swim and the go to my massage. This is heaven for me,the massage is why I am not on pain meds,I had 2 back surgeries in the last 11 months, the last one on my neck this july. My husband will be here, as well as my friend who is coming over that was going to take her shopping, but I told her she needed to be near a toilet with the extra miralax we gave her.It remains to be seen if she will still go shopping as she has stated she still thinks she will go. See what I mean, she goes from I'm constipated to I' m going shopping .I made the mistake of letting her see me get upset that she hadn't told us that she was having trouble with constipation that probably made her day.Now she will probably go shopping today,out to eat with my friend, and I will cancel all my plans and just stay in bed because right now this has just triggered depression and anxiety on my part(my therapist says I have PTSD) I sure do where mom is concerned. You folks that have these NARC parents know what I mean.

Susan, have you tried men's size incontinence underwear, plus using a pad, for your Mom?

UPDATE: Well the shoe dropped this am,just as I was getting my am coffee,(remains to be seen how hard the shoe will hit the floor) Mother announces she is constipated and that it has been coming on for 3 days. Now constipation is bad but especially for someone like her that is on so much morphine,she and I have had many discussions on how important she go every 24hrs. that if she even thinks she is having a problem she is to let me know.In fact the month 2yrs. ago she came to live with me she had developed an ileus(part of her intestine basically stopped working) and she had only started taking 30mg morphine a day, she is now on 200 mg morphine a day,she almost had to have surgery, so she knows that constipation for her can indeed be life threatening. Well in my last post I had let he know I was going to start riding my horse again which meant I would actually be getting around other people. I told my husband , you watch , "something" is coming up, she has that tone in her voice.Well now this am she announces she is constipated and it has been coming on for 3 days. She is supposed to go shopping and out to eat today with my friend who is paid for this. I just looked at her and said well you are the one that decided to wait 3 days to tell anyone , if you don't go I'll just call the paramedics and they will take you to the ER and they can deal with it at the hospital but I am going about my day. We are trying small amounts of mag citrate right now but I had her on an every 24hr schedule and she was very good about letting me know is she was even having to strain and I would step up her meds for this and it would be immediately taken care of. I guess this was her "ace in the hole" to try and disrupt my plans but I got news for her, she has good insurance and I will send her to the ER, and the thing is I am not even sure if she is telling the truth or not. She has been eating regular meals, never had complaint of nausea, vomiting, abdominal tenderness, and she isn't one to not complaine, she is first in line, Well ,I guess time will tell today.

I should say I'm very thankful that Mom's memory issues ONLY extend to the point of forgetting to wipe and/or flush the toilet or to go to the bathroom and change her incontinence pad....so many others here have far more severe issues. It's just frustrating at times having to constantly remind, remind, remind...and to have her act like a petulant child - to the point where she actually pouts, sticks her lower lip out and speaks in a whiny, high-pitched little girl's voice when I ask her to do things that she *knows* she should do - things that are for her own good, like showering or using the bathroom when she's been a couple of hours without going!

Not sure that would work - but I appreciate the suggestion. I'm foreseeing issues with the suspenders rubbing on mom's skin and causing sores, plus the fact that the undergarments are far too short for the suspenders to be much help. There's a significant amount of "backside" being left uncovered here. It's not that they fall down, because they're tight enough around her middle, but they aren't tall enough - no amount of stretching or pulling is going to make them tall enough. I'm still searching for a solution.

But then there's the other issue that lurks in the back of my mind - if I move her into those undergarments, I fear she will simply sit there and urinate in them and not even bother to go to the bathroom, since she will know the undergarment will absorb it. She already does that with the pads and has lost the sensation below the waist to realize that she's wet. I keep after it and after her to use the bathroom frequently enough that we're *almost* able to keep it completely under control, but not quite. She'll have a few good days but then go a few weeks where I'm washing 3-4 loads of laundry a day that are nothing but her chair pads (the blue/white fabric pads like they use in the hospital), underwear and clothing.

Today's a shower day...got up to find she had a BM in the toilet but didn't wipe or flush...so she's GOT to get a shower.

This may sound silly but have you thought of holding them up with suspenders?

Thanks Hope and Veronica -

Mom does use incontinence pads - she uses the Poise overnight pads - the heaviest with the most coverage front to back and side to side. She changes them when she remembers (which is rarely) or when I remind her (which is every time she goes to the bathroom) - but we usually end up doing the "bathroom dance", because she goes in, sits there for 20-30 minutes until I'm calling to her through the door to see if she's ok, then she comes out, having NOT changed the pad. I ask if she did, she says she did, then stops and says, "I *think* I did...." so I go check the trash can for a used pad, and find she didn't - so back in the bathroom she goes. This can go on for 4-5 bathroom trips some days. I told her she's going to wear a path right through the floor with all this. LOL

I insisted on her using the pads when I moved in and realized she was leaking urine all over the place and not cleaning up. She was wearing nothing but underwear at that point, so you can just about imagine the smell. The house smelled *so* bad from her urine leaks, her not showering at all (she couldn't tell me the last time she showered before I moved in - and the tub had a layer of dust in the bottom - so it had been a LONG time), Dad not being able to shower because of his leg wounds, and on top of that, the *smell* of his leg wounds. I don't think either of them had showered in over a year. (shudder) You needed a gas mask to walk in here. At the very least, the house smells better now.

I had a huge box of samples of incontinence undergarments sent from an online company, in all brands and all in the largest sizes they had - none worked. Mom is very short and very heavy, and has....well, to put it bluntly, she's got a big backside that sticks out quite a bit...and the undergarments will all go around her just fine, but they aren't tall enough to cover her backside. They stop just below the top of her "crack". (Sorry, that sounds bad...lol...no other way to say it.) We've all had ill-fitting underwear or cothing at some point that kept sliding down our butts...so we know how uncomfortable that is. I can't imagine dealing with it every day. Also, if she were to have something other than a urine accident, the result would be the equivalent of an infant having a diaper blowout. Trying to avoid that. So far, she doesn't have those kind of accidents (thank God, I know many of you deal with that on a daily basis) - so I'm counting my blessings and dealing with it as best I can. I suspect the washing machine will have to be replaced soon, though. I'm wearing it right out.

got an email this am that a fellows whole house had shifted on its foundation . that could only mean improper water channeling has his house sitting in a mudhole . masonry goes on almost year round but it sometimes gets a little miserable in the winter . ive been surviving the last few years by working hourly to help the homeowner fix the most intricate part of his repair then peeling off and leaving him with the knowlege to finish it up himself . they dont have much money , you have to use some imagination to make it affordable for them . to be " gender " fair , many homeowners have been women too and theyll flat get muddy with ya to save some money .
read an interesting story last week about the lumber jills in the uk in ww11 . women picked up the logging and sawmill work and i dont mean with modern chainsaws .
got the phsyco upstairs a big load of wood on the truck . she dont think she'll need more but she will . we aint heatin the upstairs with the kitchen oven this winter . her dad is out of town again . i have to wear the growl around here till he gets back ..

Susan have you tried using the Poise pads in her regular underwear?
Using extra large underwaer on an ambulatory patient does allow them to leak around the legs. Try putting regular well fitting underwear over the protective one to keep them up snug against the body. If the patient is bed bound those that stick together at the side can provide better protection but tend to be hot and that may irritate the skin.
Sorry about your uncle but it sounds as though he is peaceful and his parting should be merciful.

FF I can only admire Robin Williams action in the light of his diagnosis. He could have gone somewhere that physician assisted suicide is possible but he chose to spare his family the pain of this. It was not an easy way to die but probaly the cleanest and well thought out. may he rest in peace.

Capt I suspect you will have to look further than the drug cart for your narcotics in the NH. I thought you would be more inovative than that and have a still bubbling in the bathroom

" re energized "
i personally feel like 3 feet of beat up monkey d**k . masonry work is still near non existant and ive cut a trainload of firewood since this time last year . got all of docs wood caught up and have moved to the forestry to cut more firewood . it pays exactly nothing . on jan 1 my quota rolls over and i can cut 20 more loads of firewood from the forestry . opec can cram it up their square asses , im keeping central indiana heated -- at least till my spine blows or docs house is ready to stone .
my aunt is doing pretty well . she gets her hearing aid in about a week and i hope it really helps her comprehension and QOL . shes at nh because of lack of living options moreso than dementia . i hope shes around for years . if my back blows her and i may become roommates . ill bust in and out of that narcotics cart like freakin houdini .. theyll buy me booze in a grand compromise ..
always thinkin ahead -----

On a happy note, I had a road trip today to empty out the storage unit from my old home town and so now I officailly have NOTHING there anymore..which now is actually a pretty good feeling. The colors here are glorious this year and my cousin , who stayed with Mama while I was gone, brought me a new TSO cd and it was great! On the way back I ran in a Bath and Body store and bought up a bunch of stocking stuffers and the foaming hand soaps that I love so much. Soap is a weakness, as is the vanilla bean noel frangrance, so I treated myself to some of that too....came home to a crock pot of chili which hit the spot on this cold day...we had a great time.....wonderful day! I feel re energized!!

Susan, bless your heart...have you looked on line as well for the undergarments...Mama is not a large woman but we get the xl diapers because they just provide better coverage...there are some companies online who have larger size ones.. ....I know the feeling of laundry...it seems like my washing machine never rests....

Jeanette...yay girl! I love that you are doing that for the rescues! I have started working on some of the two sided fringe edge blankets to try to raise money for rescues....like you, I am not able to do the transports and fosters as much as I would like these days...but I love making the blankets and a lot of folks love them....I made a huge one for Mama, has pretty red cardinals on one side and a pale buttercup yellow on the other...everyone who sees it loves it. I am making them smaller for cats and dogs but hoping I can do this to help in my own way to help raise money and help me feel productive at the same time on the side....

On a cozy note, Mama sure is snuggled in over here with her little cat all curled up beside her....such a sweet sight... :)

Darn. Hit "post" too soon.

Stripped the bed and started the washer. She's going through an increasing amount of clothing, bedding and underwear lately. I wish I could find protective undergarments to fit her. They fit "around" her, but they aren't tall enough - they only come to just below the crack of her backside (sorry, but no other way to say it). I can't imagine how uncomfortable that would be all day long, feeling like your undergarments are slipping down your backside because they're not tall enough to reach your waist.

Hm. Well, that's a new one. Mom just got up from one of her many naps, dribbled urine on the floor (not unusual) and as she was doing it, she covered up the bed (which IS unusual - she *never* covers it up, just leaves it unmade unless I make it up myself). Once she went into the bathroom to clean up, I checked the bed - sure enough, there was a wet spot in the middle where she was sitting. (sigh)

So now I guess we're hiding the problem instead of dealing with it. Good thing I'm here, I guess...I can't imagine what the house would smell like otherwise. I asked her to please not cover up the bed when it's wet - she gave me a blank look and said, "Oh, I didn't realize it was wet!" (In her defense, maybe she didn't realize it, but this is a whole new level of "off" for her.)