My "whine moment today." What's yours?

WillyJ...so sorry to hear of your losses.

Oh, no, willyj. Had she been ill for long? I am so sorry that death has visited twice in such a short time. I take comfort in knowing that they've just crossed over to the other side. We miss them here, but I know they are okay.

God bless America!!!
It's not bad enough that my wife passed on the 21st and we all were trying to find the Christmas Spirit.
What else could happen? Now my Mother has passed today at about 4:30.
What next?

I'm behind on posts today....had a homecare agency in today to do an evaluation and set up a meet & greet with 2-3 caregivers for Mom for some respite care for me. Not sure how I'm going to swing it financially, but it's the only way I'm ever going to get to see my younger son, since I have to travel for several days to do so, and taking Mom with me is no longer an option.

Fligirl, regarding the 78-yr-old mother OP with the issues - whatever happened "years ago" that he doesn't want to discuss is obviously serious. He was hospitalized (more than once), and had a restraining order placed against him. He says mom went to court and had it changed so he could move back in with her because otherwise he had no place to go once he was released from the hospital - he keeps saying it's not a "stay away" order, because mom had it changed in the court. I'm thinking mom had it changed under duress from the OP and she changed it without his older brother's knowledge. The older brother being an attorney, I can bet he'd have stopped it if he knew. Now that the older brother *does* know what the OP is really like, and just how ill he really is - and now that older brother has control of Mom due to her stroke, he's doing what he needs to do to protect Mom - and the rest of the family - from the OP's illness and his potentially damaging actions.

And yes, I know the OP on that thread may read this. Personally, maybe I'm being harsh, but I don't care. He needs help. He asks US for it, but won't take action on any advice given to him. It's part of the illness. Nothing will get better until he gets the help he needs. He is seriously almost to the point of involuntary commitment - especially if anyone really knew what's going on there - he's keeping everyone in his life at bay, so they don't *really* know.

I meant, it's weird knowing what the smoke is... not I weird, but then again may I is weird? hehe...

I never really gave much thought to cremation or burial, up until my father passed. It was his wish to be cremated and spread out in the Oregon wilderness. We did just that. Now, however, that I know what cremation entails... I notice things. Like the local funeral parlor - crematorium. Some days when I drive by it I see the giant furnace stack thing shooting out smoke... I weird knowing what that giant shooting smoke is...

I don't want to play MD with mother but she isn't satisfied with me telling her something isn't as big a deal as she thinks.It took a one time episode of sitting in an ER because of her screaming in pain for her to realize that she wasn't going to be admitted unless they saw something on an xray or mri and that her pain MD wasn't going to come running down to the ER and give her all the morphine she wanted.When I first took her to him he explained he wasn't going to be able to make her pain free, she has scoliosis with osteoarthritis,and that realistically he would try for a pain score of 2-4 which is basically what mine is every day only I don't get morphine.We sat in the ER for 6 hours and she got an eyeful and earful of what it is like in an ER these days,it isn't daycare,they gave her an injection of decadron and sent her home,I tried to tell her she was having muscle spasms which can be very painful but instead of using the methods of pain relief I offered she just knew she had to go to the ER. Now if she starts up with "I think this is new pain" we get a good hot steamy shower and then lay on an ice pack and this gives relief plus the fact she is on hi dose extended release morphine.Also now that she finally agreed to go to PT this also helps with pain relief.Believe me, I don't want to play MD, don't want the responsibility.

Captain, you're right about the Pope reaching out. It's time the Catholic Church got into the 21st century. The church lost a lot of people when the people divorced and walked away from the church because they were no longer welcomed, even though the divorce might not have been their fault. I tried going back but one time during Christmas Mass the Priest said it was time for Communion, that everyone was welcomed except those who were divorced. I never returned :(

ff,
the pope is so dam broke hes reaching out to gays , peds , divorcees , bikers , athiests , and im pretty sure i read about him this week offering pets everlasting heavenly riches . i think that for a faithful following hed be ok with not only cremation but also a reverently executed wood chipper funeral procedure .

oh man . hor heather brought me a small jar of homemade strawberry preserves that a friend of hers made and canned . ive never tasted better and may do something similar with the cherries next year .
im done canning for now . the last several quarts of potatoes were canned with ham bits and green beans in the jars . im just now at the age of 56 learning about proper nutrition . i was lacking carbohydrates and suffering lethargy for doing so . with this renewal of energy im going to get the root cellar built AND lay stone at the farm . this cellar will be accessible from the bunker / house . in the past i built them seperately from the house and had to brave the ice and snow to get dinner .
as far as getting along with relatives -- i just now sent my youngest sis a friendly email . im bettin both of us are relieved that the dumb d*mn sibling rivalry is behind us . hate / resentment blows . everybody loses ..

Oh, regarding some original postings..... I remember one time I was reading a rather long involved original post and thought I had seen this post before... I searched and searched the website using key word search. Then it dawned on me, the original post wasn't on here before, it was a Life Time Movie I saw a month prior :P Go figure.

hobbesmom, thanks for the update on cremation... sounds like something I had heard but hadn't verify. I will tell my Dad but he's so old school Catholic he might not change his mind. But it is worth a try.

Well said Capt.
What's canning today.
I opened a jar of cheese I canned as an experiement and it tasted like regular cheese. It was kind of crumbly but excellent for cooking. Now I need to open some bacon to see what that is like.

hope,
when your parents are gone your going to come to the realization that by default you have become one of the community elders . hate is not something you would want to portray to a generation of youth growing up in the hardest economy since the great depression . i dont particularily like my oldest sis but a few years ago when i was facing a horrendous hepc chemo treatment it was oldest sis who offered to care for me until i was back on my feet and able to fend for myself again . my parents are both gone now and friends are few and far between . i dont see my sis much but her home still represents a refuge in the eastern part of the county should my automobile break down and i need help . im at peace with my other sis and she would come running if i ever got into a bad situation . my cuz PIA has been trying and succeeding in hurting edna and i for 6 months . i will not give her the satisfaction of the outburst that shes hoping for and in fact i sat and had christmas dinner with her at nh this month . i walked to her car and got her camera for her . the three aforementioned people respect the hell out of me not because i can hate but because i can infuse calm when everyone else is letting their emotions run rampant . one of pia's sons offered to stomp my guts out at ednas doctors office . the next time i saw him was at hospital when edna had fallen and banged herself up -- i offered him fuel money to help with his unexpected midnight trip. ya see. they cant hate me, i wont permit it.
he who angers you , controls you . its hard to learn but d*mn worth it. i do not have an enemy in the world and considering what a difficult control freak i am -- thats saying something . your under extreme duress but with a little effort you can turn it into one of the strongest spurts of personal growth of your entire lifetime .

Freqflyer - per a priest who used to be my teacher, "No it was not Vatican II it was included in the 1989 funeral rite that was approved."

As far as our resident painter is concerned I don't think we are being told the whole story. I feel he is just enjoying all the attention we are paying to him. You can send him harsh comments and it is just water off a ducks back.
As far as the lady who is pregnant that is just a scam and when I see those and there have been several I hit the report button and the admins take them off.
Hope your parents were wonderful kind and caring people but they allowed family members to walk all over them. Just let them live the way they want their problem is them not you. You already know mama does not know whether they come or not. you are the person giving her the loving care but you are very tired. Follow up the respite care and have a rest. Hugs.
We haven't seen Roscoe for a while hopefully we don't tempt him out!
Tex I think you should not play MD with Mom stick with being a good RN. Observation then seek advice when you don't know what's going on. my rule is that if something is not getting worse I wait a bit and see if it is getting better then i know i don't need to do anything else. One of my kids came in and told me she had broken her arm at lunch time. (she was one of three) I told her to rest on the sofa till we finished lunch the we would go to the ER. It was not long before the arm miraculously recovered and she wanted her lunch. NPO for a broken arm till we had the x-ray.
I think with your mother agravating as it is when you have retired and want to please yourself you need to keep a step ahead of her. Get her on a bowel regime and check in her bowel movements every day and keep a few fleets in the house. You know she likes giving you the run around. She can't do it to hubby because he is so deaf he can just ignore her. He sits on his computer and surfaces when he is hungry and luckily likes to cook enough for everyone although he leave the place looking like a hurricane hit it. I hired a housecleaner today because I can't even manage the vacuume with out my back crippling me. hubby is welded to his laptop and surfaces banging his knife and fork on the table. We all have our crosses to carry some are just heavier than others.
Happy New Year everyone

Maybe some prayers would help.

I just looked at a few of the recent messages. He is really disconnected from anything people on the board are saying. I appreciate that some want to help, but he is still at square one and will be until he complies with the things that are being asked of him locally. In this case, taking his medications and finding a new place to live. It is the thing people on the board tell him, and I'm sure what his doctors and family tell him. I feel very bad for his family, since I know it has been a lifelong thing they've faced. A psychotic mind can seem creepy, like a person with advanced dementia can seem creepy. I personally wish he could be committed until he is stabilized if only to give his family some rest during this hard time.

I am bothered by something on the 78 stroke he keeps bringing up that when someone called the police and told him some of the "strange" things he did that he cannot remember gave me the creeps. Does anyone else think that maybe the mom does not want to see him is because he did something to her? He refuses to say what he did to get admitted to the hospital. I was going to ask him but thought better of it. I was just curious.

Minor whine...caring for my 95 year old mother with my husband. Developed a wicked cold and feel depressed and guilty that I can't do anything.

Freqflyer - as a daughter of a former nun...yes it's rather screwy but nothing bad involved (long story...[think The Sound of Music movie type thing) ...anti-cremation was pre-Vatican 2 = 1960s ish. In other words, that is no longer the case and hasn't been for quite some time. You may want to consult a local priest to confirm this. I am no longer a practicing Catholic, but I'm fairly sure there is also an official website regarding all things Catholic that could also confirm this.

Your father may still not want to be cremated - that is between you and he but it is NOT between him and the Catholic church. Google your local cremation society (cheaper than funeral homes) if he agrees.

This is not an easy topic to discuss. I don't envy you, but at least he should know where the Catholic church stands now regarding cremation.

JessieBelle, yes they are against cremation, claims it's a ruling by the Catholic Church. It would make everything a lot easier if there was cremation. I don't mind keeping ashes.

ff, are they against cremation?

Today had my parents at another meeting with the Elder Law attorney. One question had to do with burial and final arrangements. My Dad has two plots out in the mid-west where his parents and grandparents are buried, thus I understand him and my Mom wanting to be buried there....

It's just the logistics of doing it all. I can't be in two places at the same time. If one parent passes, the remaining parent would be too frail to travel, so I would need to be at their house to keep watch... thus I couldn't be at the funeral home out in the mid-west. The attorney asked Dad who could he call upon out in his old home State to represent the family. Dad never had thought about it, I guess he assumed that either he or Mom could fly out with me [only child, no children] and then I would drive 100 miles to his boyhood town..... well, that isn't going to happen.... Dad is going to have to re-think all of this. Ten years ago we could have arranged everything. My parents never expected to live this long [mid 90's].

Well, after expecting that my nephews might drift by at some point today....they did not....but their Dad..my brother did. He brought in a couple of gift bags and I have not even opened them up. I told him I did not need presents I thought they were coming. He told me..."well they wanted to but I told them you were tired and it probably would not be a good time"....as opposed to when??? they are both going out of town and will not return for a long time...I told him, did any of them ever think to have enough respect for me to ask ME if it would have been ok to come by? I told him I had had it with him and that whole d*mn bunch and that included his two sons. I also told him from now on if that sorry Ex MIL of his came rolling by she was NOT coming in this house. I told him this was the third Christmas in a row they had ruined and I had put up with it for 35 years and this was the end of the abuse for me. I left the house for a bit and let him visit with Mama and started on a little project outside and in a bit he came out and said he did not come by to start trouble. I told him well don't start any then. Then he started in on me with that smart alec tone he gets and let me tell you I flattened him. I told him he needed to hit the road and leave me alone. He started smarting off at me and then said what did I do??? I asked him how long did he have...and then he started like he was going to leave and I just said bye.....and he hollered something at me from the car that I don't even know what he said because I was so angry and I told him that he and every single one of them ought to be so ashamed of themselves and he told me I was the one who should be ashamed and I flipped him off and came in the house and closed the blinds. good riddance.

Well to be fair to my husband, who I have called a pig on a few of these discussions today,(he is very messy and never cleans) he fixed spagetthi for mom and me,it's really good, and to top it off, brough mine to me while I am laying in bed from my back hurting from all the housecleaning.He is still a messy pig but he is my messy pig.

texarkana I just got mom into a podiatrist too and same situation so many feet problems but nothing he can really help short of amputating some toes. Decided to go with regular nail cuttings done by him a special order pair of shoes through him and hope for the best for now. Going to put off surgery for as long as possible since amputation is the only option.

But like you said, the only one who is hurting is me and it does make me literally sick, physically and emotionally. I hope I am wrong, but I fear that Mama will not be here this time next year as she seems to be getting more and more frail but next year if I am alone, I can assure you I will NOT be going to visit any of them and they will NOT be coming here. I will celebrate all alone and be absolutely fine with it. I have had to live my entire adult life on my brother's inconsiderate planning and for Mama and Daddy's sake I just sucked it up and did it...but no more.

Oh Jeanette! Girl you said it exactly how I feel it...I think we must be kindred spirits...last night I could not go to sleep and then it hit me that all of this was bothering me a LOT more than my Mama...and that, as you said, most likely she did not even notice they didn't come and then had they come and there been any drama that is something she definitely does not need, nor do I. I saw something one time on Dr. Phil about people who, at the holidays, have an almost mission to make plans to make an appearance at everyone's home and thereby disrupt everyone's holiday season and that those people are, in fact, arrogant and rude because they are assuming everyone wants to see them and cannot live without a vision of them...I am misquoting the good doctor...but you get the drift...kind of like saying "I know you all will die if I don't let you see me so here I am in all my splendor"

I guess it has just always smacked of rudeness that my family has always been the last one on the list to be seen and if they run out of time then we are just out of luck...and so next year I vow, never again, don't even plan it...Christmas is a busy time so just do your thing and we'll catch you whenever and then they plan it and then, you got it, they don't show up...rude and arrogant for sure

Well my day has already changed.Mother is constipated, this is a big deal because of all the morphine she is on. I will give her this ,she alerted me first thing this am so less than 24 hrs. has gone by and she is drinking more miralax,I am just going next to the big gun, Castor Oil,she doesn't like it but understands it's better than going to the ER.This also means not going to PT today as she will need to be very near a toilet.Getting better at having a day's plans suddenly change,trying to accept that is just how it goes, there are other things I can do at the house that need to be done as my cold now seems to have passed.We have had so much rain in the last 24hrs. the ground is soaked ,the dogs don't want to go outside to do their business,of course they track in everything when they come back inside. It's on days like this, I wonder, if APS showed up at my door what would they think? I have been very sick with a cold for the last 6 days,have 8 dogs in the house,I have managed to keep up with the laundry, but this place really needs a good vacuuming which is what I will do today.My husband, basically all he does is cook and get groceries and I guess I should be grateful for that, he does nothing else except sit at the computer and tune the wo rld out which I can't blame him,but I do.He does make sure mother is fed, makes sure she gets extra fiber in her coffee and food but the rest is up to me.I get really mad at him but I have to let it go because I know he won't change, he is a type 2 diabetic, never checks his sugar, I quit asking him what it is, I get tired of his smart *ssed answers,and what's worse he is a retired nurse so he can't claim ignorance.I think he is just tired of us never having the house to ourselves, first it was his mom which was my first time in hell and now my mother just after I had retired.See none of our parents have ever had to take care of their own parents like he and I have had to.I get so tired of the responsibility,the worry,it's not like I can call in sick and somebody else shows up.It's bad enough worrying about my own ailments but having to play MD every morning,and what if I miss something,or don't catch something in time , and I am even harder on myself because I am a retired nurse so I feel like I should be on top of everything but I am only human but because I am a nurse I should be superhuman, but I am not.I get sick,have pain,if I ran to the MD with my mom every time she had a complaint I might as well just leave her in the ER or put her in a NH except she isn't sick enough or debilitated enough for LTC at present.I just get the feeling she wouldn't be satisfied unless I constantly kept a BP cuff on her arm,had her hooked up to an EKG monitor and literally stood at her bedside 24/7 and had the MD on the phone at the same time,basically just have her room like an ICU room.Her ailments are the ills of old age,osteoarthritis,I can't fix those things,just treat the symptoms.I guess I get tired of feeling like I dont' do "enough" I just don't know what "enough" is.