My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Captain, I know there are a lot of moments these days when I can feel my Daddy's wisdom coming home to me...even though he has been gone 18 plus years now...I do know that life goes on...and the bad thing about loving folks so much is the pain that you feel when you lose them...but I am so thankful to have had the parents I have had...and in my heart I know I will be reunited with them again one day....I have to hold onto my faith more now than ever....Mama seems comfortable ...I'm so thankful for that...

hope,
youre struggling now but you will be content beyond words when your mother is no longer alive . my mothers wisdom helps me every day of my life even tho shes gone . just last week she told me to styrofoam my bunker walls . lol . her voice in my head said " theres no need to freeze your ass off to make a point about frugality . get 100 bucks worth of styrofoam d*ckhead ..

You know Veronica...that is true...even now, when I am tempted to start emoting about things that might be distressing to Mama, I talk to her about the day, the cozy rain, the fact that it is supposed to get cold again next week, etc...I'm not going to lose any moments talking about the inevitable..who knows, God could call me home before my Mama...Life is so uncertain...every moment such a blessing...no time to waste, no precious moments to lose.....

my mom was 16 yrs old during ww11 . they lived on a dirt farm and only survived by the logs , ginseng , sassafras , etc they could harvest from the forest . my aunt edna still has the familys ration booklets . i never fully appreciated how much hardship my mothers family endured till about 8 months before she died . an older man at the junkyard i was working at , upon hearing my mothers age ( 81 ) pointed out to me that she had been thru some dam difficult times . then i began listening to her stories in a whole different frame of mind . yea, they had a hard life . my mom lost two fingers to a chopping axe when she was ten years old . grandpa had malaria or some kind of bullshit and the whole family had to kick in to help him make the mortgage pmt . aunt edna has been thru it too but shes a little different . shed kill squirrels with a slingshot because ammo cost money , and of course i learned my food preperation / canning skills from edna . my mom struggled , edna made dinner happen . i love them both but edna is a fkn national treasure and a pioneer girl if one ever lived .

Captain...oh so true. I can remember back when Mama never seemed to stop talking...about everything and about nothing. I always listened but definitely there were times when I felt like I was going to start rolling my eyes or hit my head on the sheetrock ...and I also remembered thinking there will come a day when I'll wish she was here to talk to me...and she is still here with me, but she doesn't seem able to talk to me anymore...how i long to hear her voice...and I wonder what she is thinking...she just lies here and looks at me and I think positive loving thoughts and try my best to convey them to her in words and in thoughts as if by thinking them hard enough she will "grab" them from my mind...I pray she knows how much I love her...

Just before the holidays one of my cousins was talking to me about how she didn't realize Mama had gotten so frail and it made her want to hug hers all the more and make sure knew how much she loved her...I just got a message this afternoon that her Mom passed yesterday... I am in shock...her Mom seemed so much stronger than Mama and yet she is gone...I guess I say that to say we never know when we are going to be called home...and so it is important to never miss a moment to let folks know how much you love them. I will also confess that tonight when my brother called to check on Mama I decided I was the one who got wound up the other day and I apologized to him. I am glad I did. Life is just too short to hold grudges or be hurt at someone and I think seeing my Mama so frail knowing I could lose her at any moment makes it all the more real....I'm not wasting one more moment being angry...at anyone....

Cmshul maybe Mom is finding it depressing to have you calling and asking how she is every time. She's the same as always bored and hurting. Nothing has changed except the date. Can you perhaps start with a different question. "Hi Mom has it started snowing yet?" you can ask about her swollen feet later in the conversation.

Thanks captain. That's a different perspective.

Cmshul,
theyre old , dont feel well and a bit depressing but your mother needs you like never before . my mom has been gone for a year and 1/2 and i could really enjoy her fussing and complaining right now . in fact i wanted to ease up on her dying comfort meds to talk one more time but that would have been cruel . her body was shutting down in stages , she knew it was the end of life and only an ass would have let her come " to " again . listen to your mom . times have changed but human nature has not . shes a genius by any measure ..

Every time I call my Mom and ask how she is, she sighs and says, same as always. It's so depressing. I dread calling her.

Oh how I wished my Mom's hearing/eyesight were better, it is so very difficult to communicate with her. I can communicate with Dad but Dad isn't very helpful when it comes to grocery lists or items needed from Target, he figures that's Mom's *job* knowing what items to buy, so he doesn't pay attention... [sigh].

Mom understands the concept of computers and that I can place my order on-line... but for a while she thought I called in her and my grocery orders. Oh my gosh, imagine telephoning in two large grocery orders :P

I have to chuckle when Mom refers to the people who pick out her groceries at the on-line service as *she* or *her*, wouldn't Mom be surprised if it was a big burley guy doing her shopping :)

Now I want to do the same thing with Target, order on-line and have UPS deliver. Mom still thinks I will be driving to the store and going inside. Then Dad chimes in if I am going over there, for me to stop at the bank to make a deposit. TIME OUT. I am not driving over there. I am still in surgery recovery.... [sigh].

I'm really not appreciating feeling like a teenager again! I have lost all of my independence and freedom to do what I want when I want to do it.

Hope animals are wonderful when you are sick they know just the right things to do. I once smuggled a puppy into a patient's room in the days when that was a great sin.

Mama still has her cold, but wanted something to eat (drink) this morning...she looks a little brighter today and is resting well. bless her heart, but I am so thankful she appears comfortable. Her little cat is right beside her, snuggled up...she seems to bring her comfort.

There was a humanities class I was in my senior year of high school which dealt with the the stages of death and dying. The class had to participate by role playing. It was the year my father was fighting his battle with cancer. I was able to withdraw from the class and did since we were living those stages of death and dying. I didn't have to 'play act' any role.

my aunt isnt doing so well right now . i think she should be in the dementia wing instead of sitting at the nurses station in a wheelchair nodded out but pia wont even visit the dementia wing , just envisions it as some kind of asylum . i told the nurse with the dirty knees yesterday that they could be a little more assertive with pia if they wanted edna in the dementia ward . pia is an idiot but an idiot is usually pretty easy to bluff .
i took a day off and hor heather and i screwed 2 inch styrofoam to my inside bunker walls . the heating difference is phenomenal . a concrete block only has an r value of 1.7 . double block walls only provide 3.4 . 2 inches of styrofoam added an additional r - 7 so for the first time ever its really pleasant in here . i work out in the cold , i dont need to be cold at home too ..
supposed to get set up to lay stone in a basement today but with 100 % chance of rain im not too sure which direction we'll be going yet .

Hey all. I am on hour 36 of "I can't believe she won't sit the hell down". Needless to say, I am tired. Can't help but think she's HAS to be more tired than I am though? waaahhh... I finally closed my door at 3:30 a.m. and hoped for the best. She just couldn't click it off no matter what. Weird though, it's like she's being stubborn to the 100th fold? Her eyes take on this glazed yet intense blue eyes piercing look... scary. She was talking non-stop the entire time. When asked who she was talking to she just said "that man". Yikes :( Her p/t carer was here yesterday and today and noticed the same thing. Nothing has changed, her medicine was upped a few weeks ago and so far I thought it was all going so well.

I've been battling a sinus infection with the headache from hell so that doesn't make anything better.

Well... If this is the happier New Year they can take it the hell back! :p

When my friend had breast cancer I treated her like I had before she had the cancer. When she talked about the cancer I listened. I felt helpless in the face of it and so did she. We were both hopeful. One thing I remember so strong is she asked me if I wanted to see her scar. I told her no -- that I hadn't wanted to see her before the surgery and I didn't want to begin now. I still wonder if I should have looked at the scar. She may have needed for me to see it.

I miss my girlfriend. She lived for another four years before the cancer came back. By that time I had moved out of town. She came to visit me and I went to visit her, but I always felt I let her down by not being there for her. I know it is a silly thought, since she had a wonderful husband and friends to help her. I just wish it could have been me helping. I'll never get that opportunity to be close again.

For any who is interested the website is onpoint.wbur.org and it was hour 2 January 2, 2015 "how we Grieve".

Tex this morning I was listening to public radio and the national talk show host had the program on death as it seems he recently lost his spouse as while this isn't about cancer he had a rabbi on who addressed the difficulty of saying the right words in this situation and he said what people want most at difficult times is to be touched and that is what they will remember vs saying some awkward words. It was a good but difficult program to listen to this morning. I think when a serious illness or death occurs people are not comfortable with touching the grief stricken and make it up by those awkward phrases we have all heard.

hope you are honestly preparing yourself for what you know is to come and as the nurse told you you are doing everything right for mama's comfort and that is all you can do. i was jsut afraid you were in denial and felt if only you tried harder it would make a difference. Many people towards the end of life really don't want to eat and we automatically feel we should encourage them to keep their strength up. actually the opposite is true. It is part of natures way of ensuring bodily comfort by not overloading the body with nutrition they are becoming unable to process. people often say "If only we could have an IV she is so dehydrated" yes ahe is dhydrated but if you load someone up with fluids it puts too much stress on the heart and can cause a build up of fluids in the body which is very stressful. Dehydration is actually good at this stage because it releases endorphins that contribute to comfort. don't change your behaviour or routine Mama is used to that and probably hates to see you sitting looking at her with sad eyes. Just keep talking to her and loving her. you are making sure her journey is peaceful by walking beside her for as long as you are able. Think of it as driving a dear friend to a train station going on to the platform and giving a hug through the window before the train pulls away. You can run alongside but the speed picks up and you stand there with tears in your eyes waving till it goes out of sight. Mama is getting ready to board that train so cherish the time you have left and let tomorrow take care of itself. You are starting the very hardest part of caregiving.

Texarkana, been there, done that, wearing the pink t-shirt... when I was dealing with breast cancer I preferred to surround myself with people who would be saying "D**n, that really sucks, tell me more about what you are going through" because that was exactly how I was feeling and it was a good opening line to get me talking. I needed a sounding board because everyone else was tip toeing around me.

I hated it whenever someone said to me *just relax*, those became fighting words to me because there was no way to relax. Or if someone said *you will be ok* because how would they know how I will be. Yes, I was grumpy, and with good reason. I was also dealing with aging parents during that recovery who I never told about my cancer.

But I was also opened up to new ideas, such as looking into new diets, like the macrobiotic diet, mainly vegetarian and eating seaweed [which is a required taste].

Veronica yes, I have talked to her nurse...Mama has had a cold, and anything these days is rough on her...but while you can try and be positive, I think it is important that I be honest with myself too....she is obviously frail.....I feel she is declining. The nurse told me I am doing all I need to be doing....I just hate that she is now getting to where she does not want to eat...but I know it is not good to force it on folks either....yall pray for Mama and me.....I know God will give us strength to get through what we have to go through....I was just hoping it was not gong to be this soon.....maybe it's just the meds she had been on wearing off...just knowing I need to be prepared....

Hope can you talk this over with the hospice social worker and if you are ready ask the RN what she thinks about these developements. follow your heart Hope that is all you can do.

I am kind of glad all the holiday hoopla is over and hopefully things can return to as normal as they ever get....Mama is not eating much lately, so that is troublesome. She is not responding to much of anything these days EXCEPT for when I am in pain...which from what I have read with dementia and alzheimers, is pretty common....laughing at inappropriate situations...this morning I woke up to a sprained ankle, from what I can't remember. I fell in the kitchen last week but did not think anything happened as a result of that...nonetheless I am walking with a severe limp today which of all things is bringing a smille to Mama's face...and as freakish as I may sound...I am glad...it is so hard to see Mama so despondent...and now that she is not eating........I can't deny I am worried...again....all this time I have tended to sit right here with her, kind of like I am watching for something...and I need others opinions....I think I might need to just make sure she is comfy and has what she needs and not force her to eat when she does not want it..but I need to be about my other household activities to keep my sanity....I can't just sit here looking at her...while she lies here and just stares at me....I am praying hard because I think I am entering what could be a really difficult phase of this disease with her....

Looking for suggestions on what to say to a friend whose breast cancer seems to be worsening. She isn't a close friend but I use to ride horses with her,she has completed chemo but to afraid to get surgery which she needs and now emails me a tumor has been found on her kidney. I just don't know the words to write her, I feel as a nurse I should know what to say but right now I just sit at a loss at what to write. I have emailed her I would try to help her with hay or feed,tried to think what would ease my mind if I were in her situation(I would be afraid for my pets). I almost didn't email her because I knew I wouldn't be getting good news but didn't want to distance myself from her just to keep from having to deal with it. I just don't know what to say.

I am trying the tough love approach with my parents. I am still in recovery mode after having surgery, but I was able to drive from my house down to my parents as they live about 6 houses from me. I left off some grocery items that my sig other and I picked up at the store earlier in the morning when I was renewing some pills at the pharmacy [otherwise we wouldn't have gone to the store].

Well, guess Dad thought I was 100% ok since I drove down to their house, so he wanted me to take him for a hair cut. Nope, sorry, Dad, maybe in a few weeks because I still can't drive on the main roads yet, still have brain fog from the surgery. Then I mentioned if he and Mom were living in Ashby Ponds [retirement community] he could walk to the on-site barber shop any time he wanted. Dad said once again the place sounds nice, maybe in a couple years they will move.... let's see, in a couple of years they will be 95 and 99. Makes me wonder what universe my Dad lives in... [sigh].

freqflyer, Mom likes her shiny red one with the hand brakes also. My sister told me it was only $27.00 after Medicaid paid they're portion. Seriously worth it folks.

Hi guy's, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I sure hope 2015 is Better for All!!! My Whine of the moment, is my whine EVERY DAY, and getting worse!!! My FIL lives w/ my husband and I in our home for the past 10 years, but that's my whine, lol. Just my intro... But my FIL HUMS, STAMMERS, Talks to himself, sorta SING-SONGY, hyyahmbabmasya like, and it drives us Crazy, and its getting worse every week!!! What is that??? HELP!! When I mention it to him he gets very defensive, denies it that bad, and says we all do weird things, but I don't think so.... Is it dementia? A weird tick? He didn't do this in the begining of living with us. If I persist in the question of it he can get really nasty, which is coming out more and more anyway. How to approach or just let it go and get earplugs? He's nearly 85, I'm tired of this, I want our life post kids back!! Wait, he moved in 1 week, after youngest moved out! We've never had a post kids period of our life yet!!! Uugggg!!!! I feel better now!!! Just venting!! Thanks, Stacey b.

Gosh your lungs are going to get so healthy in 2015 Tex.
I think you are old enough to decide on your own wardrobe but as you know she is only happy when she is needling you. may be you should catch your husband's deafness and pretend you can't hear her. She will hate having to shout at you. Make a sign and put it round your neck. "CAN'T HEAR YOU MOTHER"

Well I have already started to try one of my new year resolutions. It's a sorta of do it at home cognitive behavioral therapy for myself. Instead of getting "p*ssed off"with my mom's constant complaints,(this is the woman of 45 MD visits for 2014) I am trying to do actual deep breathing after one of these verbal "drive by's".Tonite just before the household(meaning me) shuts down for the night so I can get up at 0500 for her first pain med of the day she informs me " don't you think it is a little bit cold in the house" she sweetly and passively aggressively says.Now we live in the south,it is 65 degrees in the house which would be fine with her if it were July( because then it's "don't you think it is to hot in the house?".She is saying this as she is scooping out huge spoonfuls of sherbert she has just taken out of the freezer (what the what?)I made myself take 2 deep breaths, ask her as neutrally as I could "is the heater in your room not working" ,also " if I have to make it so hot in the house I have to leave you will be living alone and you know you can't do that",also offered to give her my electric blanket, reminded her that her hemoglobin and hematocrit were normal 28days ago(I have the lab results print out),offered to have her thyroid rechecked again, reminded her that she has Raynaud's which will give the sensation of cold and also "do you think eating frozen sherbert is going to help".Even before she moved in we had disconnected the gas heat from the central air and just used our gas logs if a little heat was needed but the house is well insulated. Her room with her electric heater keeps her room about 75-80 degrees and I know this because the nanny cam I have in it gives out a temp reading on the monitor and also it feels like she could grow orchids in her room.Her other little remark is again that she doesn't think " a person should have to wear insulated underwear in the house".Well, I do, I frequently go in and out of the house,because of all the dogs and the horses I dress for the weather ,I have purple ones, grey ones ,black ones and I am looking for some pink ones(they are bottoms but look like leggings and aren't thick,look like exercise pants) but she says it in this Miss Manners tone of voice like the fashion police are going to get me.I live in the country, there is no one around and the local wildlife so far have not complained.Again, I moved Zsa Zsa Gabor to Little House on the Prairie. I remember when she still lived with my father and my husband and I would visit, they had put timers on the hot water tank and didn't tell us and that was something else to find out in the middle of the shower, that is something my husband and I would have never done to my parents when they frequently visitied us.Also ,she had been living in her new house for 4 years before she finally bought a bed for either my husband or myself to lie in on the many times she called us to come up and fix something,(she actually had him sleeping on the floor, he has had 2 back surgeries.She only bought the bed after I told her there was no way we were coming back up there until she provided a decent place to sleep.Money wasn't a problem,at the time the bed issue came up she had just spent $1800 dollars for a small piece of stained glass to be installed and she can't get a cheap *ss bed/mattress for the only 2 people in the world she has to call on when she needs something?Okay,gotta deep breath again.