My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Wow, Jeanette! Nerve racking! We had a really bad storm here a few years ago, trees down and wrecked the shed. Wiped a path of hundred year old trees down at the local park. Worst storm I've ever seen. Feel so helpless when you have kids, elderly and pets during one. Glad you guys are alright and that your mom is able to relax and sleep tonite. Susan, so sorry for your losses. That's really rough. Hope, i watched the first season of the bachelor and couldn't believe women put themselves through that! No thanks! Katie, my mom just finished meds for 3rd UTI in a year...now have to check again and make sure it's all gone. Pretty sure it developed from Christmas day blow-out (first one ever). Freqflyer I hate filling out all those forms. I took mom to 3 specialist appts in the same day, same practice, and had to do it for each. 4 more appts in the next 30 days - i sure hope i don't have to update anything. Captain the stonework is something that will be enjoyed for generations - that is very cool! 57twin my mom's got a real sweet tooth, too. The popcorn just doesn't cut it unless you drizzle chocolate over it haha! I'm hoping for a good night's sleep. Going to get mom settled for the night. Then I'll be reading Elizabeth Gaskell and snuggling with the furkids. Blessings and peace to everyone and your loved ones.

Aw, your poor Mom, Jeanette - and poor you! Hopefully you can both get some much-neede rest tonight.

Possibly losing another elderly family member soon. It's so hard when they all start going ...seems like it happens too close together. We lost Dad and his brother 2 years ago (seems like yesterday), and now we're losing my mother's brother-in-law, her sister's husband. Her sister passed several years ago. Nearly lost my dad's sister a few months ago - she's still recovering in a nursing home and hoping to go home soon, but it was a close call.

Oh Katie..so sorry about the UTI...those are rough, but thankfully you caught it early on..Amazing what those do to our folks...

dee, never got the nap, actually started to try the car out and then this cold front started blowing in really hard and while it does not compare with what Jeanette is going through out there it was substantial enough to really make it seem very cold and since I didn't want to get out and get stuck in it, I just decided to wait...

I know you will be glad when those winds calm down and the rain goes away Jeanette. Praying you and your Mom stay safe through all this...and your Pibbles and kitties as well... :)

freqflyer...ugh..don't you hate having to fill out those ridiculous forms when there has not been one change...I never understood that...Recently I have noticed some of our healthcare providers have those online forms you can fill out and so that is already done when you get there...thank God!

I have no idea why I watch The Bachelor...but it is coming on and looks like I am getting roped in....

When my cousin visited my dad last before they left to winter in Florida she brought dad 4 king size Hersey bars. I snuck them home as dad does not need that much candy. At the end of each month they have an auction in which they can bid on items with the points they earn every month playing bingo, exercise etc.... Most of that stuff I take out of dad's room too. I think they may have gotten rid of the big candy dish and have a fancy popcorn machine which is less tempting to dad.

Whew what a day!! The storm rolled in around midnight with howling winds and sideway rain. We lost power around 9:00 a.m and finally came back on 5 hours later. These storms here are bigger than many of the Tropical Storms I've been through in FL. Steady 50 mph winds for hours and hours....

Best part was making grilled cheese sandwiches on the grill out back. haha... least she ate most of it this time.

There is nothing more nerve wracking than someone with AD/power outage and major storm outside, every few minutes it was "What's Happening"? "I'm cold" "I have to go to the bathroom". Poor thing was as nervous as I've seen her in quite awhile.

A nap would be awesome !!

Ugh...another UTI. It seems my Mom has them every few weeks because she has to have that catheter. Thankfully we caught it soon and she can start on the antibiotic. I am always afraid of delirium setting in from the infection again as we went through that twice in the last 8 months. The gloomy weather here doesn't help with my depression either. This was just a crazy Monday with this that and the other. At least one more day is over with, almost. One day closer to Spring and hopefully a sunnier day...

Took my parents to the eye doctor this afternoon... of course Dad forgot his Medicare card, and Mom didn't have her secondary insurance card, even though I reminded Dad to make sure everyone had their cards... even asked before we got into the car.

Then the front desk wanted a new 3-page registration form filled out, so I asked if I could just write SAME across every thing. No, they wanted it filled out. Good grief, my parents have been coming here for years, everything is the same. Ok, just write out their address and telephone number. Whew. How I hate filling out those forms, it's hard enough for me to remember the names of all MY OWN doctors, and all the prescription and over-the-counter meds. Plus sitting in the waiting room yelling in my Mom's ear [she's hard of hearing] all these questions 5 times overs until she understood I would have had a nervous break down :P

cracky is a football fan . her and the farm foreman speak their own language . if it aint differential gear ratios , i have no idea what theyre talking about .

my petty problems are working themselves out . my helper ' cracky ' needs to work a lot . the men at the farm have offered to let her work a full 8 hrs a day then knockoff and help me when i show up . shes really a hard worker . today i left at 3 ; 30 and she'll spend the next hour or so jointing up our stonework and has my work area ready when i get there in the mornings . good deal . i cannot work 7 - 8 hrs a day in this business without falling on my face bout every 4th day . cracky's getting her hours in , im relaxing and canning beef . theres more beef coming , ive got to keep this canner cycling for a few evenings .
canned beef = fork tender and almost instant dinner when ya come home too tired to cook much .

Hope, I know what you mean about leaving your mom alone, even just for 5 minutes. I keep thinking, what if something happens? She's here alone! Hope you get your car fixed soon. That's so stressful. I took 2 naps on Saturday and one yesterday. Sometimes you just gotta go for it. You're getting sleepy, Hope...veeeeery sleeeeeepy...zzzzz....

I'm embarrassed to admit I would like to just get a blanket and take a nap...Mama is taking one so I am sorely tempted...and it is really windy and getting colder again.

That is good news Pam..hope he continue to progress in a favorable direction...

dee...haha...that was funny..your Mom sounds like she can come out with some funny things like Mama does..used to a lot more than now ....I am sitting here debating whether to try going to pick up my meds...I need my BP ones but I am almost afraid my car will run hot..it is not far there but where I used to not worry about stuff like that now I have to think of contingencies...if my car goes kaput...Mama will be here alone....brother checked it yesterday..thinks it may have an issue with the fan motor, but again said it might not be...ok thanks ;)

Well, today the Dr confirmed no UTI, and dad is a bit steadier, although he was up most of the night again, and slept through the MC nurse visit. Just need to get a chest Xray for TB ruleout tomorrow and we will be able to move him tomorrow or Wed. Our Dr office RN is a doll, and making sure everything will be at MC in morning.

Hope, I know what you mean. I know that if mom goes before me, I will have terrible regrets over my impatience and not spending more quality time with her. I have a chance to make some memories - I need to make them good ones. I don't need to travel or have new cars or anything like that. However, I did dream last night that I won $44,000.00 (?) in the LOTTO and was so excited I was finally going to be able to get rid of my old van with 200,000 miles on it, and get a new SUV! Then I woke up to mom banging on the bed. Sigh. I am grateful that the van runs and gets us where we need to go, and that I don't owe anything on it. It will need to be replaced soon, though. Where am I going to get the money for that?! I can either sit and fret about it, or just take it a day at a time...today, I'm just going to worry about today. Found out my mom has multi-nodular goiter on thyroid and low t function. I was wondering why her skin was so dry and flaky, when it's always been so nice. I'm giving her weekly "spa" sessions - a gentle exfoliator followed by a rich body butter. She fights me all the time over bathing, but she feels so good when it's all done. It was nice to have her joking around last night. This morning she was still at it. The a.m. caregiver came and she kinda gets on mom's nerves with her fussing and bossing mom around. Caregiver told mom she was full of pis* and vinegar today. Mom retorted that caregiver was full of sh*t every day. Caregiver thinks mom's kidding. Um...nope. Hahaha! Out the door to work I went. Have fun, ladies!

I think we've all had our "mental moments". It seems we'd have to be non human not to. This is a difficult situation we're in. We all want the best for our family member but sometimes the realization of what we've given up is just so overwhelming. I came up with the following that helps me to keep things in perspective. I carry it on a 3x5 card in my purse and pull it out when things start looking bleak.
1. Today, I am one day closer to getting rid of the TV. (Before my folks moved
in I didn't have TV in my home. I miss the quiet.)
2. Today, I am one day closer to getting my home back.
3. Today, I am one day closer to getting my life back.
I know writing this out may seem silly to some, but it's a nice reminder to myself that someday this situation will end and life will go on.

dee, I know what you are talking about. Our whole lives have been shaped by being a caregiver. We don't change jobs or go on a trip to Australia, because it doesn't fit our caregiving needs. We worry about our own financial futures, but feel handicapped to do anything about it. I often think about what I'm going to do in the future when caregiving is over. Then I realize that my mother is immortal and I'm not. So I wonder if my last years on earth are going to be scrubbing the toilet, mopping the floors, cooking the dinners, etc., so she can sleep and watch the Waltons. I think about trying to rebuild my own life somehow, but I really have no clue in how to start, given where I am at the moment. I'm in the wrong house in the wrong city in the wrong state.

Must be one of those feeling desperate days. I hope tomorrow I will feel at more peace with a greater sense of direction.

Oh Lord dee...are you sure I didn't write your post? Different person almost identical set of circumstances...from all appearances (which do not really matter...not really) it appears I must have been one of the most irresponsible people financially...I left my job, have used all my retirement funds...almost lost my home to foreclosure and would have and may as well have but the developer who had all the right contacts somehow knew exactly what I need to pay off the mortgage and the two small liens that my EMPLOYER put on me after I left work for health insurance, most of which I did not owe and at least that did get removed from the lien) but long story short...all of my financial security is G O N E...I, like you, am pretty sure I will be working for the rest of my life...

Jessie..I went through the same thought processes you are going through right now, seemingly most of last year...I would get up, and notice that I am literally living so I can clean up poop, feed Mama and watch her sleep...24/7...over and over and over and over...I got really resentful...really angry...I have to admit that as awful as it sounds, I even screamed and cursed about my situation in the bathroom until I got it out of my system...and then Mama had a really bad case of flu, then a cold, then an abcess tooth, then another cold, and in short, I almost lost her several times this year and in my heart I was almost begging to get a do over...amazingly I have seen Mama improve healthwise again..and we have had littler glimmers of sweetness and precious moments and I have had extra time to make sure she knows just how much I love her and I hope that she would forgive me if I have ever made her feel like I did not want to be here....

I'm kind of embarrassed to be writing all this....but I think if Mama had passed during the middle of my nervous breakdown of sorts, I'm not sure I would have recovered...

In reality, we, those of us on this site, are not irresponsible..I think we are some of the strongest, most loyal folks out there..if we have had issues with finances or whatever it is because our hearts are so big and giving that we sometimes get lost in our own generosity...So I say all that to say that I think going through those times of thinking why the heck am I doing this, do eventually get replaced with the times when you know why you are there and I do believe there will be brighter days for all of us. Sadly, it will also mean our loved ones are gone, but I know you feelings are totally normal..I sure had them...

Mother just dozed peacefully through the chiropodist's visit - which I think says quite a lot for his skill and gentleness - while he and I had a nice chat over the pinging of clipped toenails. He always finishes her off with a foot massage and was very pleased with the state of her heels - said to keep them well moisturised, but no problems there that he could see. I woke her to see if she wanted to say thank you to him, but she just demanded to know if I'd chosen the right five numbers (?!) and went straight back to sleep.

Won't panic just yet. We're all entitled to an off day.

Jessie - we do get caught up and lose ourselves in the caregiving, don't we? Is there something you would like to do, or something you could work towards? If we have a life preserver things don't look so bleak. I'm struggling with this, too. I'm working a job that I have been at 27 years this month - same sh*t, different quarter of a century. How sad is that? I stayed at this job until my kids were off to college. My plans were to move into something more satisfying and meaningful - then mom had her stroke right after my youngest went to college. So I've been here another 6-1/2, going on 7 years, because I need the stability, some flexibility, and frankly cannot afford to financially start over somewhere else. I've almost lost my own house twice, and filed bankruptcy, plus used all my retirement funds up. Now I'm 51 - what do I want to be when I grow up? I still don't know. I do know that I love gardening and dogs. Hey, maybe I could start a very small dog-friendly landscaping business - home yards and parks designed for dogs and humans? It would take a lot of effort to get something like that going and I don't feel like I have it in me anymore. But, you never know. I have so much debt right now I will be working until I can't anymore. No retirement for me.

A big question I have today -- Is it really "right" that I should give up so much of my life so my mother can sleep half a day and watch the Waltons the other half? I thought this morning about what I need personally and I've gotten so lost in this caregiving role that I know longer know what *I* need. It is all about what everyone else needs. The world is out of balance, for sure.

I have no frets or woes this morning...I got to see my Mama smile last night...and this morning, I got to hear her sweet voice again for the first time in many days...I am at total peace and very happy.

Yes, Susan! Family brought my diabetic mom boxes of candies, cookies and kettle corn for Christmas - on top of the cookies I bake every year. Mom had her first blow-out on Christmas day from all that crap and then another one 2 days later. Mom has COPD, hypertension, diabetes, achalasia, and thyroid issues and has had 2 strokes and a heart attack. Think, people, think!

d*mnt,
fixin to work my 5th day in a row because the crack nazi needs the money . crack - ey is about 12 years younger than i am . theres a lot of stonework to do this year but usually in our kind of work you need a break about every 4th day .
on the bright side our flower planter is so b*tchin that its getting a steady stream of visitors from around the county . if i get my hands on some potting soil ill probly cram some weed seeds in it . be pickin buds by the time we get to the stone chimney out back ..

LOL Dee - well, if you're the cigarette nazi, you're in good company with me, the food nazi.

You hit the nail on the head - people that don't care for your elderly loved one don't get it. They just don't. They bring things into the house under the guise of being a 'gift" that you are trying to keep away from your loved one for their health's sake - and they bring it in such quantities that you can't possibly use it all in a reasonable amount of time.

The Christmas cookie incident from this past December is a case in point. Denial Sis (I'll call her DS for short) showed up out of the blue, no notice whatsoever (which annoys the *hell* out of me, and she knows it), when I was out of town visiting my grandkids for a day. She said she did it so that Mom would have someone there with her and not be alone, and thought they'd have fun making cookies together. Sure, great - glad she took the time to do that. But she left 3 gallon-sized ziploc bags of cookies when she left. I urged her to take most of them home, and so did Mom - even *she* said we didn't need to have that many cookies in the house, because she'd eat them. HELLO!?! Did Denial Sis take them? No, she left them behind. I ended up throwing 2 of the bags away and doling the rest out to mom a little at a time. Last summer, DS showed up with an entire fish of a type mom liked, as a gift. Probably cost her close to $20-$25. This darn thing was almost 3' long and about 8" tall from the back to the belly. How in the heck was I supposed to cook that and how were we supposed to eat it all?? It's enough to feed 5 people, easily. Nice gesture, but unrealistic. They just don't get it. The fish sat in the freezer until last weekend, when I finally threw it out, because I just couldn't see cooking that whole fish and then ending up throwing it out anyway, because we couldn't eat it all. This same sis keeps sending mom packages for holidays with candy and sweets in them. I don't know how to get it through to her that WE DON'T NEED THIS STUFF IN THE DANG HOUSE!! When Mom wants something sweet, and won't accept anything I offer, I will occasionally go get her a candy bar. ONE candy bar. Not 5. Not a whole package of candy bars. If we have the stuff in the house, we will *both* eat it, because it's here. Neither of us needs it.

This is a touchy subject in our family. I love it when the sibs that don't take care of mom are all for letting her have what she wants...yeah ok...are they going to deal with the consequences? No. Armchair quarterbacks. So I'm the bad guy. Let mom smoke. Really? Ok. Are you going to sleep on the hospital floor 3 nights in a row when her blood pressure skyrockets and she collapses? I hate being put in this position. Apparently I don't "get it". I smoked for a few years in my early twenties but quit when I got double pnuemonia. I do know how hard it is. My dad died at 57 from lung cancer and I helped take care of him when he was dying. I respect people's decision to smoke - it's relaxing and enjoyable - I get it, I really do - but you are also living independently. I second guess myself all the time even though she hasn't smoked in 6.5 years. Am I the cigarette nazi?

Susan my mom gets like that with cookies and chocolate. She is diabetic. Although she can't get up and help herself she will fuss and moan until you give her another cookie. She has no concept of keeping her carbs in check so I have to be the bad guy and tell her no. She was up most of the night banging on her bed and calling out. 5:30 a.m she was so agitated about having a bottle to feed the baby, she had to go to bathroom, she was cold, she was hungry, why was I frowning? Got her up snd started the day. She's fed, toileted, warm and falling asleep. I have to get ready for work. Ugh. I have such deep lines on my forehead and between my eyebrows.

Thinking of getting a small lunch cooler and putting small portions of good snacks in it before I go to bed at night, and leaving it on her table by her chair, so she has ready access to something and will be less interested in raiding the freezer or kitchen.

In thinking about this situation with Mom, I guess I'm going to have to do more work towards making sure she has what she needs at night before I go to bed. Left to her own devices, she no longer realizes the damage she's doing by eating so much sugar, or doesn't remember what she's eaten before eating more. She's *not* hungry - it's habit.

There's a lockable storage cabinet in another room. I guess that's where the bananas and all "visible" food is going to have to go from now on, including the bananas and oranges. You would think that fruit is a good thing and she should eat as much as she wants - but to be honest, if I let her, she will eat 5 bananas a day, plus ice cream bars and oranges. First and foremost, that's *not* healthy - that's a *lot* of sugar. Second, I'll never stop running to the store to buy more bananas and ice cream at this rate.

I feel terrible having to lock up food to keep it away from her. I know what one of my siblings would say (the one that's in denial about how bad Mom is getting) - "She's 74 years old, let her do what she wants! What harm can it do?" My response to that? There's *plenty* of harm it can do. She's not diabetic (amazingly), but that could always happen at any point as her system becomes unable to handle what she's doing to it. She didn't *always* eat this way - it's only in the past few years since her memory has started slipping that she just eats all the time because she forgets that she's eaten. I'm not doing this to be mean or controlling (though that's what denial sis would say). I'm doing it because she's eating herself right into her grave and she's undoing the progress we've made since I've moved in. She's started gaining weight again, and it's because I haven't been watching her intake closely enough, and putting things like this out of reach.

I guess that's on today's project list. Cleaning out the kitchen and putting visible foods that she will eat with abandon out of sight and therefore, out of mind. The ice cream bars will go in the big chest freezer (with a heavy tote on top of it so she doesn't try to open it when I'm sleeping) and the fruit will go in the cabinet to be doled out on a daily basis. I feel like a food Nazi. No bananas for you!

Thanks, Jeanette - Yes, I realize I'm going to have to hide the ice cream bars. I've already switched them out for the weight watchers brand, not the full sugar kind, but she ate two of them last night and she's gone back to raiding the bananas at night too. I had 7 bananas in the kitchen Saturday, now there are 2. That's far too many to eat in such a short time.

sigh - Susan, you know you have to either get rid of those or hide them right? She probably can't help it by now, it's more of a learned habit? Least that's what I heard. At this point it will be easier on both of you if you switch them with those yogurt bars or the skinny cow ones, that way it won't be so harmful on your mom and you can sleep a bit easier? I know... easier said than done.

I've been trying to watch the Grammy's.... wow, I know I'm old when I knew just about everyone in the memorial segment. Even worse, mom is still up wandering around... already kissed her in bed and got a big happy toofless smile from her. She's an annoying cutie pie at times :)

Susan, you'll figure out how to deal with this new phase... you will. It isn't as bad as it feels right now. Just take the cookie jar away ...