My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Well done jeanette give your self a big pat on the back. What's next an enema?
Dee you don't have to do the full frontal thing to get that cream in. Have Mom lie on her side and bend her top leg and you can just slip the applicater in. If she is very dry and it is uncomfortable getting it in just lube the tube with some KY. If she is not in Depends have her wear her underpants with a panty liner to cut down on the mess.

Thanks everyone for the kind words and support - it really did help. My heart was really hurting after another door being slammed (figuratively) by my estranged son, effectively cutting me off completely from his life - but then he communicated with his sister and wished her a happy Easter. Ouch. Then that crap with my SIL's relative at breakfast was just the last straw and I lost it.

Book - to be honest, we have about 20 different conversations going on at once when we're at family gatherings like this - it's just that this particular person thinks all conversations have to be led by her, involve her, or ended by her. I just couldn't believe she was so incredibly rude. Ugh. I messaged my brother as soon as I got home from breakfast and let him know that in the future, if she's going to be there, we're not coming. He completely understands - he can't stand her either.

I do feel some better today - not crying every 20 minutes is a huge improvement over yesterday. Getting things accomplished. Daughter and grandkids will be here in a couple of days, so I'm getting things ready for that. Took mom to the dr. for her med-check bloodwork (med check appt. next week), and had a meeting with the attorney to deal with the will, POA and Ladybird Deed on the house. The POA needs to be updated with new "medicaid language" to be completely effective. Shipped out some packages for a client, sent a package to one of my grandkids and started cleaning off my desk. Plus doing several loads of laundry - which is every day anymore. And...looking out the window, I guess I need to take down the Christmas lights. LOL

Ran a couple errands locally and saw a cop car going lights flashing. Yup to dad's AL. paramedics already there and I helped moved all residents including dad to dining room to keep them out of living room so they assess the resident in distress. They did take this resident to hospital via ambulance. I was worried that dad would remember this scene from mom's passing.
Deep down maybe he did as about an hour later I got a call sawing dad was all upset his house was sold where is the money. I spoke with dad who was all upset so I wolfed down my lunch and sped back. He was in living room again but I quickly spoke with aides who said he was calming down. The activities director did take him outside after I got the call and walked him around trying to calm him down too. I greeted dad and asked him what's up but he must have forgotten already. So we looked at some photos, then went to his room so I could hang his coat up and put Easter candy in his candy dish. Just killing some time just in case he started up. All seemed ok now. Just part of the disease talking but still hard to deal with when it occurs.

I am a prisoner in my own home. My husband with beginning Alz will not let me out of his sight. Having someone else here with him while I go out...no way!!! I can go somewhere only If he takes me...he can still drive but.....

Susan, sorry but that woman sounds like a real b*tch. What a narcissistic, socially unfiltered, rude person! She sounds very insecure. Good grief, I would not be able to tolerate that woman for one minute. Forget her, honey...she ain't worth your time let alone your tears.

Jeanette, amazing what we thought we'd never be able to do huh? Geez, started my Ma on that estrace estrogen cream...I fill the applicator and let her do the rest...most of it gets on her hands and legs - going to check to see if there's suppository form. I can don gloves and do the rectal thing - why do I have such a hard time with this? Ugh.

Question for you all...do any of your loved ones ever curse at you out of the blue? I mean, words they would NEVER have said pre-dementia? I'm going to check for a UTI since there's other stuff going on, but just wondered. I was trying to put her to bed last night and she thought I was putting her in a cave (I pointed out to her it was her bedroom, her freshly painted robin's egg blue walls, her new bedspread, etc.). She denied it as her room and started screaming help, help! I calmly asked her, Ma how many caves have you seen that are painted robin's egg blue? Then the cursing - whoa, such language! She was really out of it last night, cursing and screaming and being hateful...so NOT like my Ma. Then the banging on the bed, throughout the night. Geez, I hope that is NOT going to start again...there's NO WAY I can do that again - 6 1/2 years of it was enough. I'm 51 and feel way older than that.

I think the weather plays a HUGE role in caregiving. I swear every winter I'm dying. Constant whining and complaining. Spring rolls around and it's as if I actually start to bloom!! LOL!

So, received a message from the ex husband.... " sorry to hear about your moms declining health, shes such a great woman, always liked her... wish her and you the very best" now, he had to go directly to my page and scroll through it quite a bit to find that since I don't post anymore. Creepy knowing he's creepin around my page!!

I am very proud of myself today. I, and I alone gave mom a suppository and helped her through all of it from beginning to end. YAY ME!

New whine -- Elder care is probably a lot easier (and a lot less depressing) in areas that don't have so much rain. I get so tired of the rain. It adds the extra straw to the camel's back when you have to take your parent somewhere. Always nice to get drenched getting them in and out of the car, then driving on the slick roads.

P.S... we do this also in restaurants...Sometimes, I have to lean to my neighbor and ask, "What did so and so say? I couldn't hear him from here. We're sitting on the wrong end of the table!"

Susan, I guess it would be wrong, the next time she says you cannot look at her to just do it and be rude just as she accused you? Look her in the eye, and say, "I'm not looking at you because you are so rude, I'm having problem keeping my mouth shut. Politeness means people take turns talking, not hogging the whole conversation."

By the way, is that how you all interact when eating a meal? D*rn, that means my family is rude. We can all be seated on the porch around the food table, and there is an ongoing 4 different conversations. Sometimes, I'm torn on which conversation to listen to. Oh, yeah, the boring conversation with nephew-in-law.. who is looking at me while talking. D*rn, the conversation between SIL and fave sis is juicy gossip! Nah, I'm not interested on people in Facebook (between 2 nieces) since I don't know the people they're talking about. THAT is pretty much how most of our meals are like. Very lively, no one person hogging the whole conversation.

Susan, I've got what my mother would call an "old-fashioned" expression on my face reading about that lunch encounter - I do think your SIL might have pulled her relative up short, don't you? Obviously you'd have been out of line to tell her to eff off, but SIL could have done it for you. Should have done, I think. But there must be something wrong with the relative, no? What normally-mannered person speaks audibly about someone to someone else when that first someone is sitting right there? It's weird, like referring to yourself in the third person is weird - not just whimsical but actually a bit not quite right. Don't fall into the trap I did of failing to recognise for so many decades that one of my SILs is a bone fide nutcase and not just monumentally tactless and unkind.

And anyway poo to her. She doesn't matter. Like Jeanette says, just give her a good metaphorical swat and brush her away.

Oh my gosh Susan!! I am SO sorry you had to endure such stupidity from an idiot!

Knowing my I'd probably whacked her with the Sunday paper, swearing their was a giant spider on her head or at least spilled my coffee on her! Nervy hag.

Oh, spoke to my son today, they are out of town working, in San Francisco. We only spoke or a few minutes but I found time to ask him if he was still madly in love with the girl from MN. OF COURSE he is....of course he's leaving South Florida and moving to frozen ground. Of course of course.... silly ole mom, why ever would I think otherwise? Bon Voyage son.

Susan she must like to hear herself talk. She is trying to get to you but she is not worth your time.
Easter not a big holiday for me so hubs and I went over to dads and took him out for ice cream which was harder to do as many places are closed. We went to Cherry Berry, a frozen yogurt place that sells by the ounce. Their bowls are way to big and dads eyes bigger than his stomach but ate about 80%. Good thing as he was wondering about going home and does recognize his AL as home. He has been pretty good the last few days I hope that can continue for a while.

I agree Susan. She is not worth you getting upset over. It's amazing how fast the words from someone who really shouldn't matter in our lives at all, can bring us even further down! I think a lot of us are in a fragile emotional state to begin with and then a few harsh nasty words and we end up in tears. People need to back off! I hope that your Easter gets better!

Susan, she sounds like she is just a jerk and not worth your time to worry about. Really, who cares what she thinks or says? She is like a squawking hen.

Fried chicken, anyone?

I have to whine/vent a bit. My anger, hurt and depression over recent events are getting the better of me today, and the nasty comments of someone at breakfast this morning just put me over the edge.

Why is it that some people simply can't keep their big mouths shut when they have an opinion - that they seem to have no "filter" in that regard and just let it fly when they think something? At breakfast today with family, my SIL's relative - who is not known for her tact - kept talking to us from the other end of the table, and in between her comments, would address my SIL and make nasty cutting remarks about me. I HEARD EVERY FREAKING WORD. It was "oh they had a nice church service on Friday at the nursing home, you and your mom should have come." She stopped talking, so I commented on mom's ring that she was wearing and how nice it looked. So then she turns to my SIL and says "well (my name here) interrupted me - she's rude!". Then resumes talking about the church service to the table in general. Then stops and tells my SIL "she (my name again) won't even make eye contact with me!" So then she attempts to engage ME in direct conversation, asking about my low-carb diet, etc - so I answered her as politely as possible, considering she's already trashed me verbally - and she AGAIN turns to my SIL and makes a disparaging comment about my weight - again, I can hear everything she says.

Now, this woman is not elderly, does not have dementia or any other sort of disease or mental issue. She is just rude and mean. She always has been. If she is at a birthday party for a child, everyone MUST be quiet while HER gift (or the one her children gave to the birthday boy/girl) is opened, and then must express the appropriate awe that she gave such a wonderful gift, while she beams and smiles and takes all the credit for having selected the gift. She even goes to the point of telling everyone to be quiet while the gift is opened - she tells grown adults "Shhh! Listen!" like we're all 2 years old.

Add this to all the other stress already going on in my life, and I'm a mess today. I've been crying every 20 minutes or so, or it feels like it. I'm trying to throw myself into making a nice Easter dinner for Mom and I, but holidays like this are the worst for me. I keep thinking about my son that won't speak to me or have any contact with me, my other son 600 miles away that I rarely see, and my daughter, who is in a rotten marriage and moving back home with me this week. And then there's the care I have to provide for Mom, which is becoming increasingly difficult. (not in the big scheme of things - others here have it far worse than I do.) And now I'm wondering why I'm even posting this at all. What's the point.

Veronica, work is my sanity, and a good excuse to say "no" to some things my parents want me to do.... "no can do, I am working".

My Dad was wondering why I was still working.... "well, Dad, women of my generation weren't paid the same as our male counterparts, we got much less, thus I need to work many more years to catch up to have the same retirement."

FF here you are at 68 and still working that is an achievement in itself. Of course you can't lift a bowling ball, I can barely lift a gallon of milk and it something does not have wheels it does not get moved.
I too worked till 68 and probably could have continued to 70 but when patients started telling me I shouldn't have to be doing this at my age it was time to quit.

Jessie, wouldn't that be great if someone would do a follow-up article like you said "How to Be the Child of Someone Who Lives to 100."

Or some TV cable show like Bravo or Discovery which has reality shows... do a show showing 4 different Caregivers each with their own set of issues caring for someone older, and follow them for a season. And leave nothing on the cutting room floor.

Even basic age decline is rough on our elders, I see what it is doing to my parents [mid-90's]. Just six years ago they were still walking 2 miles a day, rain or shine, and had been doing that for decades... just six years ago they were still doing twice a week volunteer work at the local hospital....

Just six years ago my parents were still driving anywhere they wanted, going on short trips, doing their own grocery shopping, etc. Just six years ago they were still able to watch a movie all the way through on TV. And Mom use to have me over for dinner Sunday evenings, and she would do all the cooking.

All the above had stopped due to normal age decline. Go bowling at 104? Here I am 68 years old and if I lifted a bowling ball it probably would throw out my back :P

There are people who do live to be 100 and beyond and seem to be fit and in good overall health. I don't think that they are the majority however, which is what makes articles such as those in Parade very misleading. They don't mention the dementia or other issues.

Of course it is always news when someone local has a milestone birthday party, politicians show up and, and news crews ask the secret to their longevity. I often wonder how many other birthday celebrants are delusional or bed bound that we never hear about. Recently our nurse told my mother that she thinks everyone should get a medal who lives past 90. Mom said "What for?"

Often the TV stations show very old people. Most of the time they look like no one is at home. Instead of rejoicing, I think poor thing. I can see that they are a wreck, but their bodies keep going. I don't know if they have any enjoyment left or if they are just existing. I don't want to live to the age where I am just existing with the help of people around me.

I have not read the Parade article about living to 100 yet but I also think there should be a follow up. I am thinking it does not address Alzheimers or dementia,loss of the ability to walk or stand, loss of appetite, hallucinations and UTIs and the four figure monthly cost of keeping someone in a nursing home, or the stress of the caregivers that care for a person that lives to be 100. When people are young they think life will go on as is and that the infirmities of aging won't happen to them simply because they don't want them to happen. The loss of quality of life is the real issue no one wants to see that has not experienced someone living to this age. Those that can go bowling at 100 or in their 90's are exceptional, not the norm. How I wish they would be strong and able to do anything up until the last minute of life and then go peacefully.

Jessiebelle, I agree with what you said about the laughter. Dad is more confused now. Nicer. We actually had some good laughs. Yet, I know, that something is wrong. He woke up from the nap today, and was yelling at the invisible person at the foot of his bed. I cannot tell if he's yelling at a hallucination or at the spirit. 2 weeks ago - his urine was tested. No UTI. His last vitals taken yesterday - showed that his blood pressure has gone up....He gets weekly visits by the home care nurse.

My Dad read that column in parade, about living to a hundred. This after yesterday when he went into a coma, and I thought this was it. I thought to myself, I will give you five years of my life, then 95 to 100 will be in a nursing home. I hate the holidays. Yesterday all day cooking and cleaning. Easter Sunday 50 non helpers will descend on the house, for brunch, leave a mess. I am so tired. Now it is 6 30am I am up to finish cleaning the house. ugh

ff, I think that someone needs to write a follow-up article: How to Be the Child of Someone Who Lives to 100. I'm sure Parade won't do it, because they want to look at the rosy side of things on Sunday morning. Sometimes my mother says that she could live to be 100 and it feels like someone tossed a grenade my way. What a terrible way to feel, but I know I can't go on another 12 years like the last five have been. And I have it so much easier than Goldengirl, because I don't have to do the really dirty things and I can leave the house for a few hours without worrying.

Goldengirl, there are so many things that we do. It is so hard living life for two people. With children, you are living for even more than that. Thank goodness you finally have some help.

I thought today again about how caregiving can be living a life without joy, particularly when we have emotionally difficult parents. On the bright side -- my mother laughed this afternoon. She actually laughed. I have not heard her laugh in over 5 years, probably much longer. I was startled. It was music to my ears. Was that my mother laughing that loud? Cool. Maybe the new antidepressant is working?? I hope. Things would be so much easier if she wasn't so negative all the time. I hate the negativity!

theres a new life ahead for all of you . there will still be the same stream of annoyances but after the challenge and accomplishments of elder care you'll smackdown those annoyances and stay focused on repairing your life . there is everything to do , not the least of which is retaking control of your emotions . im 2 yrs post and its garden time , my first in 7 years . gettin " it " back slowly and methodically . you will too .

I saw in Sunday's "Parade" newspaper magazine an article "The Cheater's Guide to Living to 100" about people wanting to live into their early 100's... the article painted such a bright rosy picture.... talked about a woman who is 104 who is still bowling, etc.

The article gave ideas on how to reach that 100 mark if you are still in your 50's, such as good veggie/fish diet, exercise, etc..... but not once did the article even mention serious memory issues which none of us have any control over.

With so many of us in that 50-70 range who are dealing with the stress of helping elderly parents or a sick spouse, I doubt many of us here would even reach a 100.... I doubt I would even reach 90 or even 80.

Goldengirl, I hope you do not think I was judging you... I wasn't. I was observing the use of the word "hate" and I was hoping you'd find some time for respite for YOU before these emotions become all to much.

If your mother has the means or outside caregiving, then she needs to use them, or YOU need to use them for her/you. Even with assets she may qualify for services through Senior Aging and disabilities. Use all help you can get....

There are way too many of us that DO walk in your shoes everyday, some are filled with more muck than others.... so, if you thought I was judging you, I apologize. From your words I felt you were/are very close to burning that proverbial candle on both ends.

I would just like to thank everyone who gave encouraging words, a hug or just understanding of my previous post. I have been taking care of my mother for the past 8 almost 9 years, by myself, until 6 months ago when my siblings had no choice but to help. My feelings and emotions were all over the place on a daily basis. Some days I was so frustrated, angry, upset, depressed, sad, hopeless, etc. So for almost 9 years I kept all the feelings bottled up because I had no one to talk to....and then I would feel guilty and ashamed because I had these feelings and thoughts. So I was very relieved and happy when I found these caregiving forums. The first day I stumbled upon it, I just cried as I read the post. I just kept thinking, "I am not alone, and their is nothing wrong with me." I loved being able to post about whatever was bothering me or on my mind, or just feelings I was having for that day, that moment, without being judged. Their are some posts that I can truly related to and their are some that I can't, but I empathize because although our lives are different, care-giving is real for everyone. So I never judged, or frowned upon anyone's post....because after all that was their post, their life, their feelings.....We can not judge anyone on here because we have not walked in their shoes and we do not know the full detail of their situation. Hence this forum to free your mind so you won't explode or have a stroke/heart attack or to get words of encouragement from someone who has been there or is going through something similar.

I could tell the people who understood where that post was coming from....not once in my post did I say I "hated" my mother....I have been carrying for her for almost 9 years. Like I said it has only been since 6 months ago that my siblings stepped in on a regular basis....and that being because she basically needs 24/7 care. During this time I have also been a single mother of 2. It wasn't until 3 years ago that I took on a full-time, career job. Before that I gave up several jobs in order to care for her. My siblings take turns being with her while I am at work, which I go to at 4 AM and work until 1230 PM. I am in nursing and work with Spinal Cord Injury patients. I am then with her for the rest of the day and night. My mother is chronically ill with a respiratory disease. She will eventually die due to her lungs shutting down, her heart giving out or her body just getting tired. She is not demented and is in her right mind. There is a lot she could do, but she CHOOSES not to do. She has assets so she does not qualify for Medicaid which would pay for home health, nursing home, respite, adult day care. Medicare and her private insurance does not pay for these things except for skilled care.
So, with just a brief overview, there are many things coming at me on any given day. Some days emotions/feelings get overwhelming and one just needs to let them out....