I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
So my mom's morning caregiver was hit by a car in a parking lot and has hairline fractures in her ribs, hip and pelvis. She is in rehab now. I hope she recovers...she is 71. She was with us for over a year. She couldn't transfer mom or anything but she was super reliable, loved my mom and the dogs, and after 6 years of unrelenting stress from previous caregiver issues (continual calloffs/slackoffs/drama), I was sooo glad to find her and never worried when I was at work. My daughter is able to cover her shift temporarily - WHEW - but now I have to find a permanent replacement. Thankfully our afternoon caregiver is just as reliable and takes excellent care of mom...wish she could work all day!
No words, just hugs. Give a shout if you need to talk.
I know I am a sad cow and I blether on about mums skin but I really do take care of it. Every other day now although there was a time when it was every day I soak her feet in warm water with honey and vinegar in it for about 20 minutes. The when it is softer I use flake away which is an exfoliant and gently massage it in - There are hundreds of exfoliants on the market but choose one that is gentle on the skin I use honey and caster suugar if I run out.
Then I pat the skin dry and apply moisturiser - not any opld moisturiser but one special designed for dry cracked heels. It's thicker and stays on better and longer. If your mum doesnt get up at night then the old remedy of vaseline (ok ok I know some people dont approve but it works) on freshy washed and dried feet (as before) then pop bed socks on her. In the morning wash it all off with a good soak and dry and moisturise. You should see a difference in a week BUT DONT USE IT IF SHES GETS UP AT NIGHT its too slippery.
PS When my feet get dry I use vaseline but I wrap my feet in cling film and then pop socks on (this is probably why I am single!)
You sound in your post like you are in a good head space right now and I hope you continue to feel like that. God Bless you!!
I am so pleased that she went peacefully with her hand in yours. You were her hero, and my (and others, I'm sure) inspiration. I think you are emotionally prepared for what comes next but I will keep praying for you to continue to have the strength and courage you have shown us all over these last few years.
My dear friend, I don't know what else to say right now, and am having a hard time typing, with these tears in my eyes. Please know they are tears of joy. She is home and pain free and you are free to start a new life, knowing that you went above and beyond what most people would have done. God Bless you both.
Well, there is another angel in heaven - mom passed so sweet and peaceful at 1:10 P.M. yesterday afternoon. My wonderful mother waited long enough for someone to be here with me before she started the actively dying process. Paige, her nurse and now an awesome friend was here... I held moms hand and cradled her head, Paige stroked her legs. Having Paige was such a blessing, she talked me through each stage as mom went through them, explained what was happening and what was next. There was no pain, no suffering just quietly slipping away to eternal peace.
My brothers and sis in law arrived 5 minutes after her passing. That too was a blessing for me!! It was much quieter and more personal for me to be with mom, they wouldn't have actually been with her but probably sitting outside, they're not that sensitive....I had a pretty nice talk with them afterwards concerning this house and whatever money is left. I told them I was staying here and would like for us to be as much as a family as possible, it is what mom n dad wanted. I asked them if it was what they felt was the right thing to do and split whatever money is left I'd do that just to keep peace BUT I'd like to at least have enough to keep me going for several months so I could have time to grieve and find myself after years of caretaking... I did a great job of taking care of mom and they know it. I just want all the pain and anger of these past 3 years to end now. They think that's fine since they really didn't do anything as far as helping me, and trust me, we are not talking about a lot of money, less than 15K and enough to give me time to start life again. The 1 miserly brother wanted to fuss a bit because he thought there should be more, well... the more part was spent on mothers care. I guess he thinks we magically lived on nothing and the people who do yard work, car repairs, sit with mom a few hours a week all do it for free. Whatever....
Oddly enough, I am doing OK. My sis in law stayed with me (bros had to go to work) and helped me prepare mom for friends who wanted to stop by for one last goodbye. The funeral home came for her and sis in law took me out to eat wherever I wanted... she was actually very kind yesterday and is going with me today to the funeral place to finish everything. Today feels no different than the past few months. Mom hadn't been talking or eating for quite awhile now, she mainly slept so being alone is being alone like I am today. However, I can now leave the house whenever I want/need to. Ha! I have no more excuses but must now go out and face the big bad world again!! Scary !!
I look around and realize that I haven't made near enough progress on getting things in order with paperwork, arrangements, etc for both myself and Mom, and I need to kick that into high gear. Now that Mom is home and seems to be improving, I'm hoping I can spend some time on the weekends to do that.
Not much of a whine from me today - things are actually going pretty well today for the first time in weeks.
-Got the shipment of the correct size incontinence briefs yesterday - YAY. No more ripping the too-small ones down the sides and inserting them in her undies like a pad, only to have them bunch up and leak anyway.
- Homecare nurse came yesterday and physical therapist came today. PT wanted to know if she needed help showering and if they could provide a home care aide (at 100% coverage by Medicare) for the duration of her homecare to help with showering - YES they can! I'll take whatever break I can get right now.
-Mom still has restless times where she plays "cricket" in the bed (rubbing her dry, scaly feet together, the sound of which is maddening to me - and before anyone says it, lotion does not help, we've tried it all and are still working on it) - but for the most part, she is sleeping better now that her medical issues have been addressed. She will actually sleep for hours now, rather than popping up and down every 10 minutes - which is also maddening when it happens.
-I splurged and ordered myself an adjustable bed this week. I've been sleeping on Mom and Dad's old flat mattress, which is at least 40 years old. More than time for a change in that. I'm sure I will sleep better with my head elevated a bit. It's also a twin size instead of a full, so my bedroom/laundry room will gain some much needed space.
So, all in all, things are going ok. I need to get us back on our regular eating regimen - there's been a lot of quick/fast meals since she came home because I don't have a lot of time to cook, but now that things have settled down a bit, I need to stock back up on groceries (we're out of *everything*) and get us back on track. I don't want to lose the progress we've made in the past year. Mom's cholesterol went down 60 points in the past year and I don't want that to go back up.
It is a sobering reality for caregivers. We assume there will be life beyond the caregiving, but nothing is guaranteed. It does make me think about if I want to spend my final days like this and how it can be better. We can make things so much about who we're caring for and forget about ourselves. How could we be happier or at least a lot less miserable?
With his strength and weight you may be in physical danger due to his dementia and being unable to control his actions from here on in. I know you feel mortified but this is out of your control so don't be afraid to visit this eatery alone or with a friend. Going to church is another issue. lots of things to think about but remember none of this is your fault and you have kept him home for many many years.
When my mother's breathing had changed and I noticed that her back was very hot to the touch, I knew death was close. I had no family to talk to either. It was late in the evening and I went in to check on her. She didn't appear to be in pain, but the lingering didn't seem fair. I actually got mad at God and said 'What kind of a God let's people hang on like this; in this miserable state?"
And just as I was about to leave the room, I turned around, stroked her forehead and said 'Ya did good Grandma - we'll be fine". As soon as I said that, she made one little gasp and was gone. Those final days were a little scarey and self-doubt beat me up some about the choices I had made & talking to God that way - but I'm glad I was there with her.
But you have to listen to your inner-self and do what's right for you and yours. This isn't like a race that you can win, lose or finish. It's about enduring and being able to move forward in peace.
My heart and tears are with you this evening. Sam
Katie you are also right. My Mom would not want me to stall my life. She wanted the best for me always and I know she still would.
Jessie yes in time I will seek out activities where I can get out of myself. Right now I would be useless trying to do that but eventually.
Babalou you are right. My husband needs to give his head a shake. After I read your post I said to him "someone on the aging care website thinks you need help" I didn't use your name. His comeback was "tell them to mind their own business" LOL Little does he know that you all probably know my business better than he could ever hope to.
Anyhow, you are all right. Two weeks is nothing. I am being too hard on myself. Its a process. I'll try to be more patient. I guess I just don't want to hurt but I guess I will just have to.
One thing that may help you to deal with grief is to reach out to help other people. Grief is very personal and we end up looking inside to how sad we feel and how depressed we are. We think about the person and about how we miss the person. When it comes time, it may help to take the focus outside of yourself and think about your mother being okay on the other side. Then turn your focus on other things and people. I believe we often consciously have to get outside ourselves for healing to come in. It is time, other people, and other enjoyments that bring in the healing. Maybe your husband and you can talk about this if you think he is open to it. I am glad he is with you to help you with the healing.
everyone grieves at their own pace. My sister lost her estranged 23-year-old daughter several years ago, and it took her over 2 years to stop crying every time she thought of her or heard a certain song, or saw something she knew her daughter would have liked. She never got to say goodbye to or reconcile with her daughter before she died, and that affected the grieving process in a major way for her. Her husband is not an emotional sort and gets impatient with her very easily - he made her life h*ll for the 2 years that it took her to get through this. Every time she cried, he'd roll his eyes and say, "Again?!? Get over it already!" He's not high on my list of relatives, obviously.
My father passed away 2.5 years ago, and although I occasionally feel sad that he's gone, his actions in my childhood scarred me for life and even though I still loved him as a father, I was able to go through the grieving process very quickly and it was over and done with for me.
Maybe you and hubby need to visit a grief therapist to discuss this process so he can understand it a little better. Everyone goes through this process differently - there is no set timeframe for the stages of grief. You were very close to your mother, and it is only natural that you would be grieving for some time - and it's only been 2 weeks. You've barely had time for it to sink in that she's really gone, let alone get through all the stages of grief.
update:
Mom is now on Coumadin/Warfarin as a blood thinner, at a cost of $7 per month vs $95 - $285. Much relieved.
Homecare nurse said today she couldn't visit until new doc was approved, and miracle of miracles, she called him and he readily accepted responsibility for signing the home care nurse's orders since he knew Mom's records are en route from her old doc and he had already seen her at the NH. I like this guy already.
Physical therapy will start sometime this week or early next week, and for a few weeks, Mom will have someone here pretty much every day for both PT and OT, plus the homecare nurse.
Mom seems very tired over the past 48 hours, not sure what's up there. Nurse checked her all over today and said everything seems fine, but we'll just watch that.
Although their advice was probably well intentioned I didn't heed it. I enjoyed my Mom's company more than anyone else I knew and we were more than just Mother and daughter. We were best friends.
So now here I am, two weeks after her death and I'm thinking yeah, maybe I should have found other friends etc. etc. My brothers and sisters have always been distant and aloof. They seem to have gone on with their lifes already. One or two calls the day after my mom died and that was it.
I have a husband who is getting very impatient with me and I am like a record player stuck in a groove right now. I can't seem to move forward.
Any suggestions anybody?
Shilio the anesthesia they use for endoscopy is actually conscious sedation not the full anesthetic used for big operations. The patient comes out of it fully away within minutes. There is no surgeon involved the GI does it. there will be an anesthesiologist in the room and she will have to be cleared for anesthesia but the after effects should be minimal. the whole thing should only take about 20 minutes, another 30 in recovery and all being well home. This is a procedure usually done without anesthesia just with sedation. Hope all goes well.
I had researched the INR testing at home and will now go ahead as my PCG is moving to an office 30 miles away and I want to still keep seeing her . I know how to adjust the dose myself so no worries there if there is a delay in communications. i pretty much did it when there was a FNP cover while she was on maternity leave and they were often a day late calling. We have an internet system where you can get test results online and send messages to the Dr, request appointments, drug refills etc. hubby complains about it but i actually find it easy to use and very convenient. I believe the whole country will be hooked up like than soon. Was supposed to happen this year but as usual things take time and a lot of practices had trouble affording the system.
Veronica - I used to test my mother's INR at home when she was on Coumadin. You could either call it in to the company or sign-in on-line and enter your reading which was much quicker than the phone call. It worked well if you didn't have any problems. I didn't run into a problem until I came across a bad batch of test strips and had to call the company for help. They talked to me as if I didn't know how to use the equipment at all and made me go step by step through the procedure retesting my mother. In the end it was faulty test strips, not faulty tester. They sent a new box of strips and problem solved. Of course, the company tried to bill Medicare for the extra strips which I was nasty enough to call Medicare and tell them the strips were a replacement box and should not have been charged. Medicare reversed the payment to the company.
XXX
Good luck hun