My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Gershun, my mom died 4 years ago - she had taken antidepressants herself for years after my brother died before his 30th birthday. Mom told me that she would have drowned in grief if she had not been able to get some help, and that she would NEVER have wished that for me. We were speaking at the time about different events and losses, but I've hung onto that thought any time I felt guilty about HOW I grieved. Just as none of us love exactly the same, none of us grieve exactly the same. Just know that we all grieve with you right now and hope that pain shared is pain lessened. (hugs)

My wife tells me a carry too much guilt..... not sure why, I get that from mom, she worried about everyone, dad not so much. Dad has the "everyone will do it for me" mentality and I have the "I will do it myself with out asking you" mentality, "if you offer, OK but if not I am fine". I worry way too much, the rest of the family could care less so it has been laid at my feet. Not sure how to get rid of the guilt.....

Gershun, I understand what you are saying. We can feel guilty if we are not as sad as we think we should be. We can feel guilty if we let a few moments go by without thinking of the one we lost. We can feel guilty if we have a day that we don't feel bad. It's like if we don't feel bad enough that it means we didn't care enough.

I like to think our loved ones ARE looking down from the other side, but what they're thinking is, "Enjoy your life and I'll enjoy mine here until I see you again." There is no blame or bad thoughts for people they loved.

Hey Jeanette, yes I know all about guilt. Guilt is my middle name and my picture is beside that word in the dictionary.

You are probably right about controlling those emotions. I think its either the antidepressant or God is carrying me right now. I don't know if you've heard of that Footprints in the Sand poem about someone asking God how come in the hardest times of his life there was only one set of footprints in the sand and God replied its because it was during those times I was carrying you.

Either way I would probably be in a facility right now if God and the antidepressant wasn't helping me.

You sound like a kindred spirit Jeanette. Its comforting to know I'm not going through this alone. ((((( hugs))))

Donna, I did the same thing. Started those antidepressants a month before arriving here. Somewhere during that time I took time off from them, all I can say is HOLY H*LL did I turn into a psycho or what? There was just too much stress in life and it made a huge difference. Guess what I'm getting at is it's nicer all the way around to have more control over your emotions, even if it's a slightly detached way. Oddly I felt the same way as you, up until I read your post. I've read how hard this has been on you and it has been hard for a long time. I certainly don't think your mom would want you falling apart all the time. She knows you need to be happy again and live your life just as my mother would have wanted.

Some people in life feel more guilty at just about everything. Sheesh, I know I do. Heck if I don't take my dogs for some sort of fun time a few times a week I feel guilty. Guilt should be my middle name and I've been this way all my life. Some describe it as being tenderhearted and it's a good quality to have. Ha, it's a bad quality to have if it's interfering with your life. Go on and live your life now. Grieve and heal at the same time and push those thoughts from your head. I understand though...I really do. (((hugs)))

oops, I meant probably not properly.

I started taking an antidepressant shortly before my Mom died and I find it really masks feelings which worries me a bit. I'm thinking I am not grieving properly for my Mom and maybe it would be better if I could just feel what I am supposed to feel.

I know this is properly a stupid thought but I sometimes think my Mom is looking down from heaven and thinking Donna (my real name) is not as sad for me as I thought she would be. Which is definitely not the case. I am devastated but almost in a detached way. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Jeanette, glad things are going so well for you. Here's a good thought for things to continue in that manner!

Spent the day driving across the state to see my grandkids and daughter, all went well. Sis spent the day with mom after about 30 mins of instruction from me on everything. I need to make a list to keep at hand for such days, I guess, because I always worry I forgot something. (And yes, I did - forgot to tell sis to actually step into the bathroom with Mom when she goes so she can be sure she changes her incont. brief if it's wet. She didn't, beacause I didn't tell her to, so I have no one to blame but myself that Mom's brief was soaked when I got home.) And God bless her, she did the dirty dishes that were in the sink - there weren't that many, but it sure was nice to see them done when I got home.

Wanted to get my hair cut and do some thrift shopping today while I was out, but being Sunday, nothing opened until noon, which didn't work for my schedule today, darn it. Still and all, got a little time in with my grandkids before I had to drive back home. Wish it could have been more time, but I'll take what I can get.

Today just went by way too fast. Going to hit the sack and try to get up early and catch up on things I should have done today!

Katie222
That show is Hilarious! I swear my sister is just like Hyacinth!

I liked the episode where the Buckets are trying to get to the cruise ship and they get lost, their car gets stuck in mud in a field of cows...
No whine today....just tired and a little scared of what will befall my poor Mom. She will be home tomorrow and I have her room all ready including fresh flowers she likes.

CM at least the clarinet is taking your mind off other things and probably his too.

Jeanette give those horses a good grooming their winter coats must be coming out in hand fulls by now and they itch like crazy. Get the shedding blade to those fat rumps and your peace will last forever.

CM, you can't seriously mean your SO is actually prancing about the house playing the clarinet? HAHAHA!!! hehe, sounds like a triple helmet day :D

Agreed Veronica, Jude does seem to have an interesting hectic life!

Yesterday I mentioned my brother coming over to have the "talk". After mullin it over, his request isn't that unreasonable. Basically they wanted about 25 % of what's left of the money that was provided for moms care. There wasn't a huge amount left anyway. They tried to include the absent brother in another state but that one I will not budge about. He wrote mom off as dead 2 years ago. Besides, he's 52 and retired on 6 figures a year. The house is mine, it's contents as well as daddy's jeep. I feel confident that dad and mom be more than okay with this. This will proved me enough to take some time off before plunging back into the workforce. It was the parent's wish to get me back home to Oregon to be with my brothers. They had always said once they go we probably wouldn't be around each other as they were the tie that bound us.

Now, if I could just get out of my routine of not wanting to move until late afternoon it will all be ok. Haha, it's 2:30 and I'm just now going to take both dogs out for a ride and maybe splash in the river, then I will stop by my brothers house and scratch his horses :) He's said we'd start going horseback riding now... his horses are way too chubby :) ah... please let this feeling of peace last longer than a few days.

Cheers!

Veronica91, love that show. My favorite was when Hyacinth and Richard when to an estate sale at a castle... she bid on the Dowager Lady Ursula's homemade gooseberry wine, and had a few sips of the wine.

Veronica I just had a pretty grim childhood and didnt do a lot to improve in fact I locked a lot of it away for over 30 years now it is coming back to bite me on the arse I guess. Perhaps caring for mum is my way of assuaging the guilt I feel about my life - who knows what goes on in our brains?

I am having moving problems not the house all seems to be going along at the right pace... I mean about mum moving stuff - I go in and it takes me 5 minutes or a lot longer to find things she has squirreled away. Now I know to look in the fridge but now I am finding things in her commode and I do mean in her commode, She puts the weirdest things in the wierdest places handkerchiefs are in the bin dirty tissues in her pocket, face cream in her handbag her purse in her make up bag and of course SHE has never touched any of them!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

Clarinet practice is hotting up as ex-SO rediscovers his embouchure: we're onto "when all the saints" now. Mercy... (sob!)

Jude you live such an interesting life!
Mrs Bucket would have sent hubby out to deal with that.
The best one I saw was Hyacinth being run away on a horse panicking but showing she was a very expeienced horsewoman while poor Emmet was practically being held on by his sister

OMG - my mother has taken to telephoning me sobbing and wanting to die from her top level excellent nursing home! Hers is an attention-wanting neediness that NO HUMAN can ever fill. The calling tantrums are a symptom of stuffed anger for their aging challenges. In a more aware moment, my mother said that she will be going through things that neither I or my husband can help with. We, in turn, have and will have our own - you too! One life to a customer in reality and you need to protect yours cause she'll just turn and find another 'ventee'. God Bless - perhaps you can call her first and change this pattern.

Sorry this is so distressing for you Shilo but as you realize Mom no longer has the ability to to know what she is saying or recognize who she is speaking to. If you find when she calls for one of your sisters and she has a genuine need try not to let it bother you. I know that is hard but so many caregivers have no support from family even when they live next door. I do not have an explanation for that so continue to vent. I would keep them in the loop about Mom's condition but not expect a reply. You know you are doing your best and that is what matters. Take advantage of any respite available in your area and don't be afraid to use Mom's money for necessary equipment and supplies she needs just keep a good record. The vultures will circle when Mom dies if there is money involved.

Gershun, i had a tattoo done aftwr my Mom died. She was 59, I was 43. It was that of a Hummingbird. Part of my grieving process. No, i was no teenagers, the tatto is on my hip. Since I'm waaaayyyy past by bikini years, the only people who see it are the ones I show it to. I say GO FOR IT! The tattoo is all about Mom, and it's only for me.

Absoluely echo that Lourdes

Jeanette, its a Blessing to have been thwrw with her when she passed. I know, i was with my Mom. I actually crawled into bed with her and held her head whispering in her ear that it was time, that i would be alright. It was time for her ro go home. She released her last breath in my arms. She and I were borh at peace. God is good. Now step out ther and LIVE. No matter what anyone says, you did right by her. YOU KNOW THAT. GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Oh gosh how the vultures seem to be circling around this weekend. Isn't enough that we do the care all week and hope to have a tiny break of maybe 20 mins or so at the weekend when the 'family' and I use that term very loosely decide they want to throw in their 2 pennorth into the mix.

Just to let you see what I mean Mum has gone to church this morning and they have a luncheon - all care is on hand to support her and I thought fantastic I have 2 hours to me....WRONG. My erstwhile brother who is not allowed within a mile of my mum has obviously been watching the house and has turned up about 5 mins after she had gone demanding to come in. now bearing in mind there was a situation shall we call it that happened between us when I was 11 there wasn't a chance in hell he was getting through especially as he was drunk and half past ten in the morning for heavens sake. A slight row ensued with him constantly ringing the bell (took the battery out ...now ring that you $%^&) so then he started hammering on the door. Of course I stayed calm NOT. IN the end I picked up the phoned and opened the door ...he wasn't to know I hadnt dialled 911 (999 over here). I said into the phone police please....... waitied and then before I could utter another word he ran out of the front gate and cycled off. What happened to my calm day? It just got blown out of the water but a least he knows now that I wont take any crap from him either

oops clicked too soon

So, I have written our "meeting" up in wordpad and will post it tomorrow. Mainly because I, one day might like to look back on this or....even better, have them actually read my life the past 2 years.

Shilo, sad as it is, it is not your mother's fault...my mom actually said my name once in the past 3 years. As far as she knew I was daddy's new girlfriend coming aboard to replace her....

Veronica, once again I bow to your knowledge and never ending compassion. He is angry, however, his anger stems from his selfishness. No Veronica, I can't turn him away. sigh, we shall see, I am getting awfully tired ya know?

Good point you touched on, those 2 choices we have now that all is said and done... I CHOOSE to live and be happy. I don't like darkness and I especially do not like being so sad for so long. Whenever I feel like it's safe to crawl out from under my rock... I get pushed back. Earlier today I got a call from 2nd oldest bro... said he was coming by to see how I was and that he wanted to talk about "stuff". Well, we all know stuff means money. Just to give you a glimpse into our long conversation, I started it with "how dare you be so selfish and insensitive to even think of talking about that, OUR mother has been gone 3 days. SHAME on you".!! He had the somewhat decency to look ashamed...

Well all I have to say is I am glad I don't have kids. My sister has been having the same problem with her kids. One is addicted to oxycontin, the other married a woman who had three kids from three different men and is old enough to be his mother.

Countrymouse I am glad that I didn't have to go through my Mom's things. We did all that when we transitioned her into the nursing home. So there wasn't much to go through when she passed.

I am thinking of getting a tattoo of my Mom and Dad from a picture of them when they were on their honeymoon. I am a little old to be getting a tattoo but I think it would give me some kind of strange comfort to have my mom tattooed on my body for life. Am I weird? Oh well if I am who cares. It would be my very first tattoo.

CM, Jeanette and Lourdes - we are all in somewhat of the same boat, regarding our kids. I've told my kids many times, "you know, it's my job to love you - and I always will - but that doesn't mean I have to LIKE you." - and right now, I don't like my son. I still love him, but I don't like who he has become.

My whine...recently my mother has been calling out her other children's names. A couple times she has asked for help and said one of her other daughter's names, not mine. In over 15 years not one of her other children have helped when she has needed it. Why she is calling out their name is beyond me. (She may not want to bother me and think it is their turn to help out.) It hurts and angers me when she càlls out for one of her other daughters. It would be easier if she called out someones name that I didn't know or another daughter that helped out once in a while. I say it hurts because I know it is the disease doing its damage. I say it angers me because it brings up the fact there are other family members...nowhere in site. We have no one to help us, no one to lean on during this time. Whine over for now anyway as my mom needs help.

FF do you have someone you can go and stay with for the next month. Sounds as though parents and SO need sometime without you. You did not fall down and break your shoulder on purpose so let them get over it. If they want to see you they can call a cab and come visit. They want to be independent so let them be.

I am just sorry I do not have any comfort for those who are so sad tonight.Those who have passed had loving people to care for them which is a wish I have for everyone.
Tears are good not for your swollen eyes but they do help to wash away the pain.Life goes on and things do get better. There are two choices, come out and face the world when you are ready or spend the rest of your life living in depression under a rock. There is no way to speed up grief, it is different for everyone. Do not do anything in a hurry if you don't have to.
Jeanette your son is very angry right now and he is chaneling that anger towards you paroting whatever new wife is putting into his head. These women just want to be taken care of with money. He can't do that because you have always bailed him out. When she is gone can you turn him away when he comes knocking on the door? by all means help him but don't let him become a leach.