My "whine moment today." What's yours?

I detest moving and like you, it was always a doityourselfer.

Sure thing Jude. I assume it is BYOB...bring your own boxes! Hope you don't mind if we bring a little of the other stuff too!

Well I feel for you all but I now have the PERFECT solution. We are moving as you may or may not know and now all I have to say is "fabulous that means you can help me pack up a whole room - you dont mind giving me a hand do you.....Oh you have something planned for that weekend shame perhaps the following one??

Hope, so glad you are feeling more positive now.
My SIL invited herself when talking to my husband, apparently only for one maybe two nights a month for can't remember how long, because I flipped out after "invited herself." Under normal circumstances it would have been reasonable to ask but there isn't much normal here at the momment. Anyhow I was very upset and annoyed as I felt I had been put in an awkward position and knew I wouldn't cope with her on top of everything else. I didn't want the the thing that pushed me over the edge so I could no longer care for Mum to be someone elses selfishness. Knew I would get bad mouthed from rest of the family but told OH I was going to tell her it wasn't going to be possible. Bless him he said he had already told her. I can relate to the feelings of relief. Sorry that turned out to be a bit long winnded.

Ha ha !! I do love this thread!! We talk about EVERYTHING in our lives and I think it's simply wonderful and I do agree with the person who said this site was our mental health therapy!

Jessie, wow... your post on avoidance is SPOT ON! After years of mainly being alone with your mother, or other loved one dealing with health issues, it seems we tend to prefer being alone after all is said and done. For sure I do. I won't answer my phone, reply to texts or emails for daysssss. I know people are concerned about me but honestly I am okay for the most part and just don't want to talk about it anymore, least not right now. The other day at the Dr's office (mom and I shared same Dr) the nurse went to hug me....NO! Stay back please... just can't handle another crying bout. I finally returned the many calls and texts from a life long girlfriend, she knew both my parents very well as we took turns staying at each others house and trouble making during our teens...even during our adult life when I'd visit my parents in AZ we would all meet up for lunch (she lives in AZ)... anywho, yes I finally called her back and 2.5 hours later we finally said good-bye see you soon! I guess what I'm getting at is yes, enjoy your time alone but don't cut people out, we still love those people and it wasn't their fault we isolated ourselves. I have been doing exactly as Jessie mentioned, getting out and making myself meet people, go places and explore this town and surroundings which I wasn't able to do for 3 years.

Spiders? HA! Mom could spot a spider a mile away, especially those on the ceiling or walls. I will always get a chuckle remembering mom in her hospital bed, barely audible anymore, pointing at a black spot on the ceiling :D one word came out, spider...hehehehe. Oh how I miss my sweet cutie pie... tears ...sigh. Maybe I do need mental health, I can't even write about her without sobbing...

Well, day one of pool construction is completed. They will finish it tomorrow. Uhm, it is quite a bit bigger than I imagined. LOL I've used that wal-mart blow up ring pool for 2 years... guess a grown ups pool is a bit intimidating!! Now I just need to figure out how my big pibble is going to be able to jump in? I think home depot has already made stairs she can climb up and plunge in...think I shall take a trip and check it out. My young friend Chris came by yesterday while they were working on the pool. We devised a plan to install slide...now this slide will be from the roof with a upswing and in the air and to the pool you go! LOL, I think I shall never grow up :) speaking of never growing up, still no word from my son. Pretty painful considering all I've done for him. If I could get all the money back I have spent to help him... let's just say I could buy that house on the river I have always dreamed of. Oh well... what can I do that I've not already done?

Well, I was just checking on you girls, you know, inside my mind and heart I feel that your are are all family. You all have helped me through the most difficult time in my life and I do hope I have helped you in some way or the other...now I'm still on here getting support as I crawl my way back to life. It's not easy either. Still haven't touched anything of moms. Oh...on Father's Day we will reunite mom with daddy. I thought it was a good day to do this....if ever there was a good day.

Hang in their girls and know I am always thinking of you!

I have to admit knowing i have set forth the ground rules i am feeling light as a feather now as she can't say she was not warned. Since she's coming i may as well just go somewhere and let her sit with Mama. Right? Thinking i might get my hair done. ..hehe..this might work out after all. ...buwahahaha...im suddenly feeling delirious with power

Fruit salad and iced coffee sound so wonderful right now!!....It is very hot here today and that just would be perfect.
I think the bugs are getting active because of heat or impending storms. I had to go after a huge wasp in the kitchen window yesterday. I think SO must have let him in when he went out the door to go to work. Then today there was one of those huge black ants that snuck in somehow. Better bugs though than pesky visitors or braggarts to take my time that I need to care for Mom.

Darn you Hope. Now I need iced coffee. LOL

Hope - If your cousin gets bored while she is visiting you suggest she visit your other relatives while she is there. You don't want to monopolize her time now do you?

Mooching fad???? Moving fast...ugh

Oh wow...yall got it right. .all of it. My cousin i fear is beginning to exhibit signs of early dementia and that may be part of it but she also has never had to do this kind of stuff and so she doesn't truly get what a toll it can take. This morning i texted her and just kind of laid down the ground rules. .i don't feel that great, will not be cooking, have things that must be done and so as long as you are able to wait on yourself and entertain yourself so be it. She replied that she would just wait and come next week when i could sit down and enjoy her visit. I quickly let her know this is not a passing fad this is my life and next week will be no different. Just needed to let her know the truth as she already knows anyway because i have told her over and over. So long story short she is coming but i have let her know it is not and never will be a vacation for me.

This lady is part of a family ..Daddys side...and right here let me say Daddy was NOTHING like them. They all lived their entire lives within spitting dustance of each other and all of them were users. Daddy helped all of them all their lives but it was not appreciated. They were never mind to my Mama for sure but this cousin was but as she has gotten Olde she had gotten really lazy and since her parents have passed she talks of nothing but having no reason to live, being useless, etc. .so while i feel sad for her it is also not the best mindset to be around me these days. .anyway i won't say more on that. .i need to be on Dr. Phil for all that. The ground rules have been laid out so it will not be a surprise but yall are right that she sees it as a vacation. ..what the heck is a vacation anyway. ..thanks for listening. ..again. ..and for all the input. ..jessie, i appreciate yours as well. .i think part of the thing for me is that i know i am a loner. I used to think that made me odd, but it's just how i roll and i like it that way. ..thew few times i have actually stepped out and tried to be more groupish i knew it was not me and never would be. Mama was a lot like that. Oh i also let her know i was not mooching fad this morning so i could just remove the pressure of having things perfect. ..which was always how i had to have it in my earlier days. ..now i know that does not matter if i am exhausted before it even begins. I did manage to totally clean out the fridge and i do mean totally. I am craving a good fit salad and so will fix a big bowl of that and that will make for easy light meals. .nothing better than fresh fruit salad and coffee during the summer to me. .. 10-4

Veronica91, wish we lived closer, you and I could enjoy a sandwich for a hour and half and think nothing of it. I am a slow eater, too. My ex use to get up from dinner when he was finished, leaving me there... eventually I complained that I hated eating half my dinners alone :(

Through the years I started to dislike having overnight guests, mainly because it was too exhausting for me. Both ex and sig other think all I need to do was put on fresh sheets on the bed, and that was it.

Hello, all the cleaning that was involved... like making the guest bathroom, that sig other uses on a regular basis, not look like the restroom at the Exxon station. Putting away of stuff, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the cat boxes, defuzzing the house, getting those cobwebs off the vaulted ceilings... then the grocery shopping and hoping I had everything, I am no Martha Stewart, so cooking was a challenge [more like a science project that went bad]. Cleaning the cars, time to get the dirt off from this past winter and the maple seeds off the carpeting. Then planning on what the guest were going to do... and thinking where to eat out when out... do I want to spend part of my day at the outlet mall... really?

And ex and sig other wondered why I was bowing out of sight seeing... too tired :P

Oh dear, Hope.

Let me say this much: does it matter if this person thinks you are a b--- or whatever? Really? Stop and think about it - would it really bother you if she didn't come to visit anymore after you told her you just aren't up to company right now?

I'm all for having company and family around if I am ready for it, but I don't do well with unexpected visitors and my family knows it. I have politely asked them to call first before they come to visit Mom so I can make sure she is awake, cleaned up, dressed, fed, etc. What's the point of them showing up if she's sleeping? Do they really want to see her flashing them her underthings (and part of her undercarriage because her brief is bunched up) when she swings her legs out of bed and her nightgown is bunched up around her hips? Do they want to watch her shuffle to the bathroom, dripping pee on the floor all the way there? Nope - and Mom doesn't want them to see her that way either. So they respect my wishes (usually) and call first. I like to have the house neatened up a bit and make sure Mom is ready for company.

You have every right to say no to visitors if you are not up to it, and if this particular person causes the problems you've described in the past, I can see why the thought of a visit sends your anxiety skyrocketing. You are already a caregiver for one person - you shouldn't have to provide the same for a visiting relative. If they can't care for themselves properly while in your home, they should bring a caregiver with them or not visit.

Sorry if that's not a popular opinion, but that's how I feel.

Jude - Amen! Amen! Amen! I have no interest in hearing what others have had the pleasure of buying or how they spent their leisure time or vacation (whatever that is...gets added to that word dating that seems to have lost its meaning).

Hope - I kept reading your posts and kept getting agitated wanting to answer them. Maybe I have some understanding of what you mean, maybe not. There have been several people come into our home including aides that take it upon themselves to change my mother's tv channels to whatever they want to watch. The shows are not things my mother watches and in fact have caused her nightmares. The tv is there for her pleasure and entertainment, not theirs. Also, my mother has A-fib and some shows are scary causing her heart rate to rise. Yes these individuals had been instructed not to change the channel but did so anyway because they had to watch their Oprah or Jerry Springer shows. Point is, it is disruptive to the person who you are trying to care for.

I have always kept myself company and prefer it that way. My mother on the other hand loves people. We couldn't be more opposite. It has been a huge struggle since December. For several months she couldn't even talk much and I had to due most of the talking. We both hated it! She hated that she couldn't speak and I hated that I had to speak!!! Anyway, in taking care of my mother I have always tried to make sure she has people to talk with, company, people her own age. It has been extremely difficult to do in the area we live in now with no adult daycare center that is medicaid approved but that is another discussion. My point was even though I am a loner, I try to make sure my mother has company besides me to communicate with. That is partly why I am upset about the aide that started. They have nothing in common. The aide is a very young person who sits starring at her cell phone and has no clue what to say to my mother.
Well Hope, I am going to stop because I started talking about you and your mother's needs when someone intrudes...I mean visits and I got of track talking about my mother and I so better to stop and regroup my thoughts. I must need something to eat or drink.

JessieBelle, I also have panic attacks with agoraphobia, a wall flower who eventually found good excuses not to attend gatherings.... oh how I hated office parties, but one co-worker said it right when she said to me "I see these people all day, why do I want to see them at night?" :P

I am also very shy yet I will do my Saturday morning volunteer work at a local hospital at the front information desk, and I love it. Doesn't make sense, does it.

Admittedly, three days is a long time for a visit. I believe this is a situation where I would have made a hotel reservation for the guest so they could visit during the day and go to the hotel at night. I realize, though, that many people couldn't afford to do that. (I really can't, either, but weighing the cost of the hotel vs going crazy, I would have made the reservation.)

When all else fails to get out of a stressful situation, I fall back on my "This too shall pass" mantra. That mantra has gotten me through the most stressful times.

Thank you ladies. That is all in trying to say. I def prefer my own company but an hour or so visit can be nice, and while this cousin knows all of this this truly to her is a vacation and that is exactly what she calls it. The rest of our family treat her badly and i guess that is why i feel bad for her but more and more it is hard to feel bad for her when she will not get up and do one thing for herself. ..let alone for me. She knows i do not like our need ri lengthy visit so why she just let's me know she's coming for one and why o don't just say sorry, no you're not is a mystery. The last time she came i had to let her know o simply was not physically or emotionally able to handle it these days
..you recall the lady visit where she would not bathe abs i finally had to make her because i was getting physical ill. Then she put her dirty disposable pants IN MY WASH LOAD at the end of the cycle and anyone who has mistakenly done that knows what a disaster it is. Oh well, i should have nipped it in the bud immediately so now must fave the music. I am not rushing to do one thing. If she gets here early so be it. She is not company so she can just help herself or so without. This old girl is done waiting on folks. I hope she wears her hearing aid. She usually won't and so i have to yell to even get her to hear me. And them i have to repeat myself. She is actually harder to handle than sweet Mama...toodles ladies. .thanks for letting me yammer on

Caught sight of a small black thing on the kitchen floor which moved away as I got closer, chased it stomped on it and found it was a feather!.

I have always preferred my own company and very happy to spend many hours alone doing my own thing whatever it is.
Now as my own health declines there is a rule that i can no longer deal with overnight visitors and entertaining people for meals is totally out of the question because the effort of preparing a simple meal results in so much back pain i just need to lie down rather than enjoy jolly company and in any case I have to eat so slowly everyone would be sitting watching me. I do have to remind hubby that if any friends think they can use us for free accommodation they can think again.
Dear Hope you know what i would reply to your cousin with her 11th hour notification. Looking forward to seeing you could you please shop for the following items on your way because Mama only eats Ensure and that is also often my meal of choice in the evening when I am just too exhausted to cook. i am planning this menu for your visit so if there is something you prefer feel free to substitute. I will make a dish of brownies if you can pick up a box of mix and some eggs I think I ate the last one for breakfast. Oh and if you want cereal for breakfast we are very low on milk do what feels good for you (within limits!!!!!!)

Speaking of insects, last night I felt a critter crawling so I turned on the light. Huge black ant almost an inch long! Took pillow to bathroom sink and turned on water and knocked into sink. Very strong ant. Thought I flushed down drain but crawled back out! Filled sink with hot water and sprayed with hair spray numerous times- it was the first item I grabbed. Finally it went on its journey down the drain.....

Hope if and when this cousin come over before she has a chance to settle in I would inform her how the visit is going to be. Seems like she does not understand your committment to your mother. I suppose she thinks of her visit like a vacation. You are busy enough with your mother and do not need to "wait" on another person your home is not a hotel.

Ditto Katie gawd help anyone who thinks I want to talk about THEIR holidays, their visit to wherever or what new thing they bought. nor do I want to see their new car nor have a look at pics of their new house or anything else that I might just be so envious of that I would have to kick their butt from here to eternity.

As you can tell I am not the enviouse sort!!!!!!! giggles

I see both sides. While it can be good to socialize a bit for an hour or so over coffee or tea, waiting on someone for days while taking care of a bedridden loved one is a bit much to ask. Perhaps the cousin could be told to only come for an hour or two? I know...this may not be easy. All would be well if the visitor would be understanding and reasonable.....People just don't seem to understand what we caregivers go through and that we are exhausted most of the time. Once I got Mom cleaned up and ready to sleep and she has gone to sleep evenings, I just want to sit quietly for a bit to think or meditate.

Avoidance and me......I just don't like people! Actually that's not totally true I just hate being let down again and again. So I have a mantra now. I would love to see you where are you taking us for lunch. or if you can't go out then Fantastic your shout for pizza then with NO ! after it.

One particular person I can think no longer visits after I asked her to make the tea while I dealt with Mum and when she said no I ordered her a taxi to take her home. She said I thought you were taking me home...Then you thought wrong ...why would I take you home when you can't even make a cup of tea to help out.

I'm sorry I am just plain old blunt these days and if they don't like it they know where the door is...failing that I show them where it is!!!!

Keep the faith ladies and gents xxxx

Dear Hope it seems like you and I are the only ones posting at this time.But no one thinks you are bad for not wanting an intrusive visitor so stop beating yourself up about it. You have a right to feel how you feel.

Calm down and just take each moment as it comes. I find with me anyways that a lot of times I dread things and dread things and then when it actually happens its not as bad as I feared it would be. I think thats what Jessie was getting at.

Just remember no one is judging you on this site. Gripe away if it makes you feel better.

One more thing i need to say and then i will stop...all of our situations are similar, and yet all are different. I only wish my A Mama could complain or guys at me, i wish she could get up and follow me around, i wish i could still argue Wirth her. I wish i could leave the house and do things with friends. A totally bedfast person is not easy. ..none of our situations are. I stand by my gripe that it is rude of someone who is basically lazy and knows my situation to just plan a three day all expense paid trip to my house and not even tell me until 10:00 tonight and anyone who thinks they would be ok with it let me know and I'll be more than happy to send her your way

Im actually a solitary soul anyway, always have been. There is always something i can find to intrigue myself. That is one thing that helps me through all this. ..i simply don't need or want people breathing down my neck..never have. .i done miss people. ..i miss getting out and about on excursions where i might meet many folks. I have learned the hard way that most people cannot be trusted. ..there are true souls around but not many. ..but then that's just me..were all different. .which is what males this old world tick

While i do understand what Jessie is saying and agree for the most part. .and i do not know everyone's specific situation. ..my Mama has been totally bedfast for a year and a half. ..period to that she was chair bound so to speak. I swear to god i am too d*mn tired 99% of the time to entertain and serve coffee to d*mn company. If they want to stop by for an hour or so, share a cup with me, fine, but for anyone to see anything but she unadulterated h*ll in having to clean up after, cook for and reminds to go pee before they piss on your sofa. .no thanks. ..i do nothing all day long but wear myself down to a d*mn nub daddy in and out and the lady thing i need is a seconds one to wait on.

Thank you, Gershun. I have a history of panic attacks with agoraphobia. I also have the tendency toward avoidant personality disorder. I am horribly shy if I let myself be. The only ways I've found to keep from falling into a pit of isolation is to make myself get out and be around people. With caregiving it can be a challenge, because it is so easy to lock yourself away with the person you're caring for. They can become the only focus.

Hope, I wouldn't even notice if someone came in complaining, since I live with day-long complaining at times. And really, so what if the channel gets changed? The world will keep turning. You don't have to wait on her. You can tell her where things are and tell her to make herself at home. What I'm really hoping is that you'll actually enjoy the visit. Maybe the only thing that will lift your spirits is watching her leave, but at least that is something. Just think of it as therapy. Free therapy is always good.

Actually JessieBelle what you said just now is right on!! I don't know about Hope's situation but with me I do avoid people a lot. I always had my Mom and she was my best friend too so I didn't think I needed other people. Now that she is gone I realize I should of nurtured my other relationships more.

So actually your opinion was very welcome and a fresh perspective. Thank-you!