I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
Me swallowing when she tried to treat me like her 5 year old, walking into the bathroom and screaming in a towel. Telling me she needs cleaning done, but watching every step I made to make sure I clean the right way, God forbid if I used the wrong rag!! Bottom line treating me like crap so she can get her own way. To the point that I thought she had dementia, because the gaslighting was so #&@$& bad . Normal people don't act this way!! One day I said to her about thinking to long when I ask her a question, and it feels like her brain is slowing down. Guess what happened? Next time she is right on the ball, every question, with a snap of a finger. I figured out what was taking so long, was because she was trying to figure out the best manipulated answer to give me.
Now, I don't allow any of the crap from her, she is completely normal!!!
I'm angry, I've been HAD , by my own mother, she didn't care how crazy she was making me! She didn't care a bit, as long as she got what she wanted out of me. I know for my own mental health I can't carry this anger, and I won't, but right now I just need to feel it and vent a little, or a lot.
My whine!!!!! The last week has felt more like February. I keep smiling saying to myself, nice weather will come!! Starting to get to me now. Rainy, freezing rain during the night. My positive thinking is not so positive right now! 😡
Krzy18 - welcome to Aging Care. I am so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, inadequate and resentful. I presume you are hands-on caregiving a senior relative. Caregivers must look after themselves. The caregiving job is a very difficult one and it is easy to put the needs of others before your own needs, so you end up burned out. You matter too!!! Please let us know a little more about your situation. It helps us to respond in a way that may be helpful. Meanwhile take some small breaks for yourself and consider whether or not you can continue in this role. There are alternatives. Not everyone is cut out to be a hands-on caregiver. I certainly am not. Others here are not too. here is no shame in that. If I am off the mark, I'm sorry -let us know more about your issues.
You don't know if Alder1525's uncle is being taken advantage of at all. Maybe he just likes to eat well and enjoys the company of his caregiver/neighbor. What's wrong with that? Even if a person has dementia they have a right to good food and companionship.
I used to get this kind of hassle from some client's adult children. They'd get upset because they didn't think mom and dad should be having expensive groceries. They didn't think their 'loved one' should be eating out in any restaurants better than a fast-food joint. This was because the grocery and restaurant bills that the client was paying for was cutting into their future inheritance.
I remember one care client in particular I worked for. He was an old Italian man from the old country too. His kids were concerned because he wasn't eating. He started eating when dishes like veal piccata and seafood fra diavolo started showing up in the house and he had someone to eat with and speak Italian with. I often brought him food from home that I cooked too. All of this had to be paid for and that upset his kids.
They thought he should just happily eat the garbage that Meals-on-Wheels sent and not spend any of his own money on himself. We gave that to the dog. He didn't drive so I'd take him to the Italian club he belonged to because he liked to play cards and they always had games going. We'd take him to the casino with my then FIL a couple times a month because he liked to play the slots. He paid me for gas because it was more than a hour's drive from his house. He always treated us to lunch or dinner at the casino and would give me a few bucks to play with. No was taking advantage of him. These trips were not on my work hours either.
He didn't spend excessive amounts of money, but he liked to live well and could afford it. So why shouldn't he have? He had all his ducks in a row much to the anger of his adult children. The lawyer who did his POA should have gotten a medal because he did it so that his kids couldn't just swoop in and take over. The guy enjoyed the last few years of his life. Should he have stayed lonely eating gross food so his kids could inherit more? He left them plenty.
About 10 years ago my friend’s mother had a “ trusted handyman “ whom she used for many years . Then the woman developed dementia. My friend was in the difficult position of not having POA, nor able to get her Mom to be diagnosed ( mom refused testing ) . My friend got a hold of her Mom’s check book . Her Mom had been writing VERY large checks to her “ handyman “ for , driving her to get her hair done and to the grocery store , as well as mowing and trimming bushes .
For example $300 per outing to go to the grocery store . $500 a week to mow .
Now recently you have come into the situation. However you are concerned as she buys some expensive items and keeps the change from shopping.
I think I need a little more information before responding much more. Did your uncle ask for your help? Are you his POA/health proxy or simply a concerned family member? Has your uncle been diagnosed with dementia? Has your uncle actually hired this neighbour to be his caregiver as in he pays her to do this?
We do see cases where seniors are taken advantage of by people who are "helping" them and family tries to intervene. I don't know if that is what is going on here. If your uncle is "of sound mind" he can make any arrangement he likes even if you think he is being taken advantage of. It can be hard for family to see this. If he has dementia and you are POA then you have an obligation to protect him and his resources. If he has dementia and you don't have POA it is much harder for you to have any influence..
You say you are chipping away at making some changes. A grocery card sounds like a very good idea. By no means should you be spending any of your own money. I'm not clear if your offer to buy his groceries for him means that you do it with your money or his - hopefully his.
Obviously your uncle enjoys having this lady do things for him and share meals with him. That's not small thing in a senior's life. I'd be very careful about trying to come between them as he is defending her. I am sure you want to be on his right side too.
More information helps us to respond more appropriately. This is a tricky situation. Good luck to you.
Are you personally paying for your uncle's groceries of your own pocket?
If you're not paying for the groceries and your uncle is fine with what's being spent and has no problem with it, then really it's none of your business and you don't need to worry about it.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and now am in the business of it. I've known many family members like you who were "concerned" because their elderly loved one were spending too much on their groceries. Did it ever occur to you that your uncle likes good food? Maybe this neighbor/caregiver (now there's dynamic right there) prepares the meals and eats with your uncle for company and he enjoys the company?
Maybe you should stop "chipping away" at your uncle about how he's spending his money. No one is asking you to shop, pay for or prepare his food. Instead of "chipping away" at him why not go have a meal with him and his caregiver. I bet he'd love the company.
The weather it is a-changin.
I’m new here and have had lots of issues with this situation. Just decided I needed a place to vent for those times I’m ready to hit the roof. Thanks for “listening.”
Golden, I will share our weather with you. We are cooking and could use some of that white stuff.
My whine is I had back to back colds which have bloomed into sinusitis . Meanwhile this is all kicking up the asthma as well . And tree pollen is moderate . Staying inside . Based on how I feel I will have to give in and start allergy shots . Allergy meds haven’t been working the last 6 months . I’m allergic to the world basically .
A record for March.
Golden, sorry and your insurance stuff, going up, are homeowners went way up too. We recently changed companies.
My whine is, back was really bothering me, went to Chiro did all my stretches, it got much better, then it came back with a vengeance, I was so mad. Then I figured it out, I wear orthopedic bras, well I stupidly saved my old bras just in case. So anyways I've been wearing the old bras in the other drawer for 2 weeks.
Switched back to the new ones and it's already getting better. Threw away the old ones and order another new one. I'm sure because my back was in a delicate state that it hurt it so quickly.
We have had no rain to speak of all winter and we are praying that we get some. Spring is our dry season, so hopefully!
Bosch has written me to say my "servicer" (I don't like the connotation) is ordering a new control unit and will contact me when he has it and can do the repair. I'm not holding my breath - just buying more dishwashing liquid!
Not sure this is a whine - the sky was white with snow today ❄❄🌨❄❄ and the ground is covered again. Pretty normal for March and still much better than it was up north which was minus 25C (minus 13F) a few days ago.
Anti-whine - my cell phone bill was correct this month and included the customer care they awarded me. I've set up to pay it a day late! So there!!! 🤣
I think that AnxietyNacy was wanting to change her name some time ago, ANYway, so this is, I guess, the good time for it? Anyway, I hope the admins can reset your old account, or restore it some way for you.
I once left Forum, and had to contact them to return. It was easily done by them to reset everything to my old account and my old email.
You have a long long history here of advice; I hate to have it simply disappear into the ether. You won't have to do the settings thing yourself. The admins can do it.
Good to be back! I got some catching up to do
That was a test seems to be working. 🙂
Strange about nacy but I expect they will figure it out eventually. She was an active poster.
Big flakes of snow came down this morning and the field is white again. ❄🌨❄ To be expected, I guess.