My "whine moment today." What's yours?

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My "whine moment today." What's yours?

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How do you cope when you have to care for your mother-in-law because your husband's family won't?
Is anyone in the same situation as me? My 79 year old mother has moderate dementia
How do I rise above my mother's insults and guilt trips, break out of this rut and get my life back?? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. What can I do?

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D daughter52 Jul 2014 · Answer 1 · 2014-07-25T09:12:12.000-0400

For those that are sick of this thread, I would like to stand in support of it. It is the one place I can come to when things are stressful. And, yes, I do whine a little but I also get some very helpful comments and advice to get me through.

A anonymous158299 Jul 2014 · Answer 2 · 2014-07-24T21:33:37.000-0400

( d*mmit ) .
jack me for some weed is not a literal term . its slang for " hit me up " ..

A anonymous158299 Jul 2014 · Answer 3 · 2014-07-24T21:30:26.000-0400

lol , happy hour . in 5 more years itll be coffee shop with little packets of herb . i say this because an old lady at ednas IL tried to jack me for some weed . i look the part but really dont care for it anymore -- too dam potent ..
im guessing the lady to be 65 + yrs old ..

5 57twin Jul 2014 · Answer 4 · 2014-07-24T21:18:45.000-0400

Hello all. Missed a few days as my cataract in my left eye must be growing again as vision still sucky! seven weeks till surgery too.
Anyhow took dad back to dentist for his three cavities-yikes expensive! Going to try to wean him off candy and switch to trail mix. Not sure how well he brushes teeth. Dentist suggested I supplement with a rinse which means either that is another task he will need help with in AL or when I see him I will have him rinse then.
I had sent an email to some of my cousins and aunts informing them of dads move to AL. One replied its difficult to know how things are going since mom passed away-hello just pick up the phone and call me.
Though my dad only lived with us for 4 months and I was mom and dads caregiver 3 months before that and I suppose actually going back about a year before they moved- well this week I think I am returning to the land of the living. Still not sleeping well but better, went back to the gym this week-first time since March. Eating less as I was stress eating a lot in June and gained some weight. also in about 3 weeks going back to work 2 days/week at a job I held almost 2 yrs ago.
Dad's AL has happy hour on friday with wine and beer-going to make this a permanent day to visit dad.

G golden23 Jul 2014 · Answer 5 · 2014-07-24T20:00:32.000-0400

loo - good thinking. Jessie too - We can't save them from all their bad choices - whether is it the appeal your (loo) mother made re driving, or eating sweets (jb). So we try to pick our battles according to what we feel is most important, what is most critical to their welfare, and in the case of driving, the welfare of others. We can't do it all, we can't prevent every crisis, but we can address, at least to some extent, those things that we think are most vital, and have to let go of some things. Even with the things we address, sometimes we will succeed and sometimes we won't. We all are battling the effects of disease - like cancer - sometimes the treatments work and sometimes they don't. There is an ongoing grieving as we see the disease progressing, and our ability to fight it diminishing.

V Veronica91 Jul 2014 · Answer 6 · 2014-07-24T18:39:12.000-0400

Abused Adult you need to fill out your profile before others can help you.

V Veronica91 Jul 2014 · Answer 7 · 2014-07-24T18:31:12.000-0400

Jessiebelle would it make sense to have some short acting Insulin available so you can cover spikes when Mom gets into something she shouldn't? i would not let Mom get her hands on it but if you have a sliding scale available would that work? she definitely should not take an extra dose of the long acting.

K kazzaa Jul 2014 · Answer 8 · 2014-07-24T18:28:44.000-0400

It was hot water! she had a shower and as she cant hear or wear her aid she wont hear the water running? I could turn water off at mains but would have to leave enough for her to make a cup of tea but i know shell go mad?
she is always leaving the hot water on too which is great for the bills coming in. I feel so sorry for her though as she was upset she left it on. What an awful illness just bloody cruel.

V Veronica91 Jul 2014 · Answer 9 · 2014-07-24T18:24:58.000-0400

Barbara51 is the house yours or Mom's?
Can you contact whatever is the association for the blind in the US.There maybe somewhere that he could be placed. he is going to need care for the rest of his life.
Do you actually want either or both to be living with you? If not tell your useless siblings that you have done your best but can't continue and you will be looking into placement for both of them. Do you have POA? It sounds as though both would do better in a supervised living situation where they would have the opportunity to engage in activities if they wish.

V Veronica91 Jul 2014 · Answer 10 · 2014-07-24T18:17:56.000-0400

At least she took a shower Kaz or did she just turn the water on? next time you go out turn off the water at the main.

A assandache7 Jul 2014 · Answer 11 · 2014-07-24T18:10:44.000-0400

Kazzaa please tell me it was only cold water not hot!!!

K kazzaa Jul 2014 · Answer 12 · 2014-07-24T17:00:43.000-0400

Mum left the shower running all day while i was out? i put up a sign "turn off shower" she pulled it down and said "im not an idiot".

Going to find some drugs!

B barbara51 Jul 2014 · Answer 13 · 2014-07-24T12:36:35.000-0400

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. None of my siblings want to know anything that is happening in my home with these two and it lifts a burden off my shoulders to know that I am not alone in my plight.

B barbara51 Jul 2014 · Answer 14 · 2014-07-24T12:35:22.000-0400

I have actually given some thought to go to the doctor myself. The stress of dealing with my 95 year old mother and 73 year old brother (Loosing his eyesight) is making me crazy. They do nothing but sit all day and stare at each other and the TV. Neither one of them can cook or clean up anything. And I still work everyday from home thank goodness. Otherwise I would be living at the funny farm.

L looloo Jul 2014 · Answer 15 · 2014-07-24T12:32:29.000-0400

daughter52, I don't do hands-on care for my mother, and couldn't possibly (we'd probably kill each other). I do all the other stuff though. She's very stubborn and totally uncooperative, and I don't have the time or energy to get into a battle of wills with an 84 year old woman with dementia. Our situation though, is that she needs to be in AL/Memory Care, and won't go. That's different from doing one's best to provide full time, round the clock in-home care. So I'm doing my best to provide responsible oversight/management, but not enable her to keep 'living independently' as she calls it.
This week, the one thing I let slide was when I discovered that my mother might very well try to attend a hearing at the DMV to get her license back. I found out about this several weeks ago, and frantically dropped everything else I was doing to try to cancel the appointment (explained who I was, faxed them the 25 page POA document). I never got confirmation one way or the other, and couldn't devote more time to this, so I just hoped for the best. I was mainly worried about her being embarassed--trying to make a case for herself, when she's 100% unable to. It's scheduled for tomorrow, and I lost a lot of sleep thinking about how to deal with this. My solution: back off. She'll have to suffer the consequences of whatever happens. I can't keep juggling every one ball up in the air all the time. I don't think there's any chance that she'll actually get her driving privileges back, but even if that were to occur, I get her mail, and wouldn't let her know about it. She's in no shape to drive. I'll only handle what's necessary to comply with the law, with her homeowners/community regulations, with what will keep her (and others) safe.

V Veronica91 Jul 2014 · Answer 16 · 2014-07-24T12:30:53.000-0400

Daughter 52 a lot of older people diabetic or not have a sugar addiction and you know how addictions are difficult to break especially if they don't want to. My FIl had heart failure and high cholesterol and was found frying nice fatty English sausages. He said that at his age he really did not care if was the quality of his life he was interested in. made perfect sense to me. He did go on to live to be 92.
So I would say let up on your loved one she is going to do what she wants regardless of what she is told. I realize it is "bad" for her but at the end of life what is "good' for anyone. You are doing your best and she is still relatively independent so continue to monitor her diabetes and adjust her insulin as necessary. Continue to make healthy meal choices but beyond that your job is done. Don't make your life and her miserable by trying to make her do what is healthy for her. ask yourself what bad habits do you have yourself? Yes say screw it and let her make her own decisions while she can and save your sanity and her happiness. The more you pull in one direction the more she will pull in the other.

J JessieBelle Jul 2014 · Answer 17 · 2014-07-24T12:18:26.000-0400

daughter, I know just what you mean. My mother tends to snack all day, then either forgets or fibs about it. I do what I can to keep anything really unhealthy out of her way, but crackers and sugar free things still have sugar in them. When her sugar gets too high, she wants to take an extra shot of long-acting insulin (Levemir). I tell her she can't do that and she flies into a rage. She used short-acting insulin in the past, so she doesn't really grasp the difference.

When someone has diabetes and dementia, we end up in a position of letting them eat things they want or sitting there watching them all day. For me the only solution is to keep the really unhealthy things away and not worry when her blood sugar goes up due to snacking. She is 87. I worry more about the nighttime hypoglycemic episodes, which is why I don't want her taking an extra shot of Levemir.

In the past year I've been comfortable as long as the glucose stays around 100-250. And I no longer sweat the occasional spike, since I know it will soon come back down. At 87, her long-term problems from the spikes is not so much of a concern. I worry much more when she has low blood sugar, since it can be quickly lethal.

D daughter52 Jul 2014 · Answer 18 · 2014-07-24T11:23:18.000-0400

I probably sound controlling and maybe I am a little. But when you care for someone who cannot care for themselves much anymore, you have to constantly be the one to do what needs to be done. That means one has to be responsible for 'organizing' their lives. I get weary of walking behind her, so to speak, and keeping her in line with what she should do.
She's diabetic, as well as suffering from vascular dementia. NOTHING you say to them sticks so you are constantly repeating--telling them over and over what they need to do. I am tired of hearing myself and having to say things. She is too because she makes a pissy, mad face at me every time I do. That wears on me too having to be the 'bad guy' all the time. To have to suffer the energy of her anger at me beats me up.
Her sugar issue is one example. I try vigorously to keep additional sugar from her diet. But she is a constant eater. She always has to have something in her mouth. So I keep healthy snacks around but she often bypasses them for the sugary crap. If she goes for a walk to our neighborhood clubhouse, she picks up the candy (not sugarless) and puts them in her pocket to snack on during the day. If I buy her low sugar ice cream, she sneaks it at least twice a day. If I buy her almond milk, she complains. Regular milk has milk sugar. If she goes to the clubhouse to get coffee, she puts sugarless packets in it and then goes to the freezer and puts ice cream (not sugarless) in her coffee too. And, of course, if I find out and tell her or take it from her, I get the attitude.
I'm very tired this morning. Sometimes I just want to say 'screw it' and just let her do what she wants. It's defeating and demoralizing.

V Veronica91 Jul 2014 · Answer 19 · 2014-07-24T10:42:55.000-0400

Linda could you and your husband think if things he would like to do and would be able and then issue the invitations. maybe not the entire group but those you feel would be most empathetic. I was gong to suggest as CM did that you take up golf too.
Are there other activities that would get you both out and about and provide some mental stimulation. Hubby I think you said is still working and driving but the chief problem is muscle weakness. Would it be possible to reach out to some of his coworkers and invite them maybe for a casual meal or perhaps to go to a movie or concert whatever interests you all.
All we see is the good side of Michael J Fox and he looks fabulous when we see him in public. But I wonder what happens when he gets home and collapses for a couple of days.
Is there any reason hubby can't use a golf cart? if he did that i bet some of his friends would be quick to hitch a ride

A anonymous158299 Jul 2014 · Answer 20 · 2014-07-24T08:40:47.000-0400

i dont have to whine just cause the thread says so . i am going to detox another day or more . big , full stone house coming up in about a month . ill work singlehandedly on it at least all winter as weather allows . very slow process -- very worth it in the end . just finished an incredible and effective hepc treatment . felt so good i made a marathon body building program out of the 12 weeks . body is saying , sit down you frigging idiot , cant you see we have a toxic minefield to clean up here ? probably not going to chicago as planned . it just seems too hurried for now . i dont need " hurried " . my brain is loaded with dead virus that has to be cleaned up too . ill go see my aunt and nurse " dorreens " ass after while . both are therapeudic for me .

C Countrymouse Jul 2014 · Answer 21 · 2014-07-24T08:21:56.000-0400

Or take up golf yourself…? :)

L Linda22 Jul 2014 · Answer 22 · 2014-07-24T06:29:06.000-0400

CM, I think part is not knowing how to handle it, part is thinking he's just fine. All most people know of PD is Michael J. Fox has it and look how great he's doing. When we decline an invite, no one asks if there's a way we can make it work. When we offers suggestions like a flatter golf course, they aren't interested. A few are a tad self absorbed so that doesn't help. I do hope he gets back to golfing for both his need for exercise and muscle strengthening and the mental boost of friends. I guess I'll need to do some of the planning to be sure reasonable accommodation is made.

C Countrymouse Jul 2014 · Answer 23 · 2014-07-24T05:16:34.000-0400

Linda, his friends getting awkward like that - do you think they maybe can't see what good they do him just by turning up occasionally? And have given up? Keep suggesting opportunities to them and lay it on with a trowel about 'good deed of the day' and maybe they'll come round more (if that's what you would like!). And could the understanding friend help things along too?

Which reminds me of my aunt's friend who had a stroke. And how I haven't been to see her. Oo. There are good logistical reasons for that, but there is also the bad reason that last time I went I did feel useless.

H hope22 Jul 2014 · Answer 24 · 2014-07-23T21:24:47.000-0400

Captain, yeah, they do some things well...and I think I am on the learning curve with the new one...I'm not upset so much at them in general, just, as usual, the bath people seem to be the worst offenders for complaining...that is the ONE thing the other one did right...ah well....what's done is done...I did have a nice chat with the mgr today and let her know what I needed otherwise not worth the bother...for either of us....I don't mind bathing Mama, the three times a week, for thirty minutes was a nice little break, BUT if I'm going to have to do most of the work now, what's the point..and especially the ones who do like to boss you around...nope...not in my home

J JeanetteB Jul 2014 · Answer 25 · 2014-07-23T21:08:16.000-0400

I have no clue why this thread has went as far as it did. If I had to guess though it's because we all get a bit tired and whine at times? Plus it is non topic conforming, just means we can whine or vent? It's not really that hard to keep up with either.. I spent hours reading threads that have 20 thousand plus on them. Hey, those long threads held more info than single questions.

Me1000, I also like everyones thread. How else do we learn? However, I would never single a thread out and say it was bad or toxic or whatever.

This is all of our lives.

So here is another whine... wait, no....it's wine, Pino Grigio YUM!
I am NOT trying to be offensive to anybody. At times I do like a nice chuckle within this thread, it makes me feel not so lonely or alone at caring for my mom. It is easy. Ha! Preaching to the choir.

A anonymous158299 Jul 2014 · Answer 26 · 2014-07-23T21:02:15.000-0400

that was a strong statement i guess . they done a good job but our home copped a bed bug infestation somehow and i was in the spotlight for a while . while everybody flipped out and dallied , mom and i destroyed the bugs . it can be done but it takes several weeks of making them expose themselves to DE .
aps even came out . my steps jived with what " wendy " had just been taught at a bed bug seminar . that bought some time ..
at the end told em all we werent vaccuming up our protective DE with the suspected bug carrying relatives visiting again . leave us the h*ll alone ..
im still venting a year later . d*mn that was a rough spot ..

H hope22 Jul 2014 · Answer 27 · 2014-07-23T20:29:07.000-0400

JeanetteB..hilarious! I seek out the "whine" thread...it's one of my favorites....

Captain, you made me LOL.....and I needed that a LOT today...and you summed it up great...especially after a day like today....hospice blows...thanks for the chuckle....

M Me1000 Jul 2014 · Answer 28 · 2014-07-23T19:09:41.000-0400

JeanetteB, I personally like everyone's threads, because its everyone as an individual thoughts and feelings as well interpretations. I always speak strange.. or in this case..type strange. I wish I had advice for everyone though, thats why I do not always answer a lot of questions.. maybe as I get more experience.

Plus, I was wandering everyone, when a thread is long such as yours JeanetteB, how do I know where to start reading from and respond? Id like to be more talkative with everyone here :) I dont want leave anyone out!!!

Anywho, that's cool to be the 1100 post!!! :)

Hugs all

L Linda22 Jul 2014 · Answer 29 · 2014-07-23T19:03:52.000-0400

I find our friends slipping away since my husband's PD symptoms changed last summer. I don't think most of the guys, save for one man, know quite how to handle it so they're ignoring it. He's in the early stages, he's still working and driving and all. He just can't stand for long periods or walk around a golf course (he's working on that slowly). I've made suggestions to his BF of things they could do, but this group seems to be really getting into golf. So any weekend plans, any little trips all involve a couple rounds of golf. I have my own little support group outside of these people for my mental health, but this has been my husband's main group. My frustration is that if I had a friend who couldn't do x and y, but can do z and q, I'd make plans for us to do z and q so we could spend time together. When his RLS was really bad last summer, they made plans to play a course that would have him sitting in a car for 4 hours round trip. He told them he could play if it were a local course, but nope, they went north and he stayed home. Yeah, time for new friends, but not an option.

J JeanetteB Jul 2014 · Answer 30 · 2014-07-23T18:51:06.000-0400

I'm having a "snarky" moment and wanted to be the 1100th post :D

My "whine moment today." What's yours?

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