I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
Stacey, Fil won't need all those cozy clothes, so have a yard sale-buy him something nice to wear to his grand-daughter's wedding.
Mallory, So many white underwear here too. Sometimes I forget that we just need to keep tabs on our husband's clothes or they multiply-never throwing anything away. Sorry you are missing your Mom.
Finally some nice springlike temps here, I can smell that someone in the neighbourhood is barbecuing. I do have a whine though (but after two mojitos it doesn't seem that bad, really). Copied from my personal rants...
Life was so much simpler when my mother's care was a matter of being reactive to an immediate need, operating in crisis mode. My new motto of "one day at a time" doesn't work so well when I am forced to make plans for the long term. Of course part of the problen lies in the fact that the future is cloaked in shadow and nothing is certain.
I reached out for an assesment of my mother's needs and now am left with dealing with the answers. Mother's hearing loss is such that she would not benefit from simple hearing amplifiers or even unmolded hearing aids, but they are willing to do an in home assessment and make recommendations. So do I want to invest in new hearing aids? There is no doubt that she will benefit from being able to listen to her music, and perhaps can even be more aware of the world around her.
O.T. has come in and advised that the best solution for our transfer problems would be to install lifts. She may not be quite ready for them yet, but there are days when she can not stand at all and if I keep her with me til the end those days will likely increase. It seems the logical choice, so why am I so resistant to the idea?
I think what I'm weighed down with is the need to make decisions that force me to get off the fence and decare "this is it, I'm in it until the end". Is this best for mom? Am I using her needs to escape facing the emptiness of my own life? And even if I am, is that really so terribly wrong?
when your every thought and action is executed to sustain someone else , you arent likely to have much of a life of your own . nothing ive ever done has been easy but end of life care for my mom was without a doubt the most difficult . it creeps up on you until you find yourself napping when the patient naps and with one ear open at that .
youll get your life back and walk with more confidence than youve ever known .
Today the thermostat went out. I've checked the batteries, wiring, circuit breakers, furnace... and not sure what to do next, but thankfully the weather isn't critically low temps anymore and I can wait until tomorrow to put in a service call.
I'm kinda over the "This Old Broken House" theme around here. Been over it for a long time, but it still happens.
In other news -- this is a fantastic thread! I haven't visited it much in a year or so, but I have much whine, and this is the spot for it! Very happy to take advantage of this thread, and get a little lift and support for the feelings of frustration. 🌺 Big hugs to all of you, and thanks for being here.
I wish I knew why I keep trying to have a relationship with my brothers here. Honestly, I keep getting trounced on and bullied by them. I must like being punished and upset... I always wanted brothers who loved and protected their little sister, maybe that's why I keep trying to obtain something I never had?
My oldest brother I have not seen since we scattered moms ashes with dads.. 10 months now. The next oldest I've seen maybe 3 times, but I keep trying. Yesterday I told him I was taking my dogs for a ride and would stop by and help him with his floor that was damaged by a kitchen leak... I'm gonna make this a condensed version of what happened because honestly, I am disgusted and embarrassed that I allowed some things to continue.
He screamed, yes screamed at me 3 time, 2 for such trivial things, like stepping on an area of flooring (nothing was hurt) and suggesting that the lump in the floor was from moisture expanding, Oh God why did I say that? I should have left then but I didn't. 2 times he smacked G.G. in the face for jumping up on him. She's a friggin puppy, a big puppy still a puppy that was excited and happy...I should have smacked him across the face and ran like hell from him, but I didn't...
He was showing me on his computer used motorhomes he was looking to buy and trying to stay under 15k. Ok. Nice. Then here it comes, the moment of truth ... he asked if I still had the large silver dollar coin collection that 60 years ago belonged to my grandmother, then my parent's... through the years my dad had cashed some in, especially when silver was worth $50.00 an ounce... sure I said, it's still right where it was and would stay. He kind of bitched about it, thinking I should go cash some in to give him his portion. First off, there is no his portion. But I kept my mouth shut... again, I am TRYING!!
My oldest brother comes by, barely speaks to me... oh well right? We are all outside leaving and the oldest bro is bragging on his new to him truck he bought... I'm ooohhing and ahhhing and TRYING, then they ganged up on me. Brother Ken again asked about those coins, this time in front of Bill, a very different tone in his voice. He literally is screaming at me over and over, spit flying from his mouth saying "So YOU ARE TELLING US IT IS ALL YOURS RIGHT? Oh God, I am floored... he keeps screaming at me and I finally muttered, yes it is. Then the oldest brother standing next to me, with a sneer on his face says what's wrong with giving us our portion? You know, our parent's weren't wealthy and those coins MIGHT be worth 4 thousand dollars. Yup, that's it... so this is all about a $1,000.00 dollars.
Sadly, I am on of those that choke up, cry and can't talk when I get angry.
For years I whined and cried on this thread trying to keep sane while dealing with my mom. For a solid year plus I didn't sleep watching my mother pace and stare off into a corner trying to figure out how to get out. When she forgot how to "push", I reached in and pulled it out for God's sake... like many on here, I did things for both of my parent's that I thought I would never be able to do. Both of them, died in my arms while I stroked there hair, so they would find comfort on their new journey. What did my brothers do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Nothing nothing nothing!!!! They never helped me. They wouldn't see their own mother for months!!! Not only were my parent's dying, but my emotional well being was dying... but I did it. I did it like a trooper and if I say so myself, did a fine ass job taking care of them because I loved them.
I had such different expectations when I left my life that I loved in Florida and moved here... I never dreamed dad would die within 6 month from cancer. I never fully understood how devastating Alzheimer's was and just what it would detail being her full time carer.
When dad died, I gave each of my brothers (3) $7,000.00. I didn't HAVE to do that, rightfully and legally it reverted to mom, but I did it, for dad and to keep peace. Big mistake. When mom died, I gave the 2 brothers here, $2,000.00. There wasn't but 10 or so thousand left from moms account. I didn't have to give them that, but I did, to keep peace. Huge mistake. What do these people think they are entitled to? WHAT? Someone please tell me...
I wish I could go back and file a claim for wages against that $25,000.00....
Most of all, I wish my family would have been just that. Family.
Talk about scare!!! The wind is blowing a bit harder than usual, and we have a Modesto Ash tree in the front yard that was splitting in 2, as we waited for the tree service to come........AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH......................I put mom in the last room farthest from this tree, did not tell her exactly what was going on, but just to stay there a while ...
Resolved, now all the humongous branches are strung on the grass / front of house / who cares.
I got so scared I gave myself a headache because my husband was trying TO TIE some rope...................aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh..................
forget it.
the tree is history.
I am in the room napping, if you need me, you know where to find me! : ^ )
M88
im thinking about having my home either transferred to my youngest son or adding him as a joint owner . i know a banker lady who can advise me on the matter . on the other hand the system makes sense to me . if one of my kids or a g - kid wants a home and property that someone else has worked a lifetime for , they could earn it by providing care to allow me to stay here . if they dont , perhaps the state should seize it for their costs .
jeanette ,
i didnt care for my sisters much before mom passed away . nothing has changed . i still dont particularily like them .
Going out for the ice cream tonight. C h o c o l a t e !
Jeanette....beautifully expressed (you brought tears to my eyes) but horribly sad posts....I am so very sorry that your remaining family have shown themselves to be a bunch of heartless, greedy a**holes....deep breath and move on sweetie....you tried your best (and your best is up there w/the BEST)....time to just look out for and care for, YOU....
Worried about P, his wife.....she just came thru broken hip, surgery, rehab, moving out of their longtime house to AL....all in in the last 3 months....jeez...that, alone, would throw anyone, let alone someone in their late 80's, for a loop....
These were an active, totally mentally sharp couple (I posted previously about how proud I was that, after P broke her hip, J had informed everyone that they had researched and looked at AL, and he knew that the time was right...voluntarily!!!)
Guess it's just another cautionary tale: Damn....even if you manage to keep your mind....your body will betray you....OTOH...88 or 89YO, mostly active years, is a damn good run.
Just hope sweet P (no pun intended) is OK....guess I'll know more after the visitstion on Sunday....
True though what you said. Being on this site has made me more aware of my mind and keeping it sharp but then there is always the body breaking down too. I've been making an effort to get back into exercise and it really helps both the mind and the body. Too bad the metabolism slows down as you age too. I used to be able to go on the treadmill and weigh myself the next day and I had dropped a pound. Now I could stay on the treadmill continuously for days and would not lose anything. Sigh..............
No, I am not giving up anything else. It wouldn't matter what I did nor did not do, they are who they are I s'pose. Funny how 1 particular brother has mentioned a few times I chose to take care of them, nobody made me do it. If it was him, he'd of put em in a home.
There was nothing kept secretive from them. They sat here on the back porch a few days, yes, just a few days after mom died and acknowledged they didn't do shit to help but still felt they were entitled to something... I asked them what? Just what would it take, since they both knew there was barely anything left, to make them happy, that I didn't want any problems, just peace...I should have known better.
I spent the entire day wondering why, just why would they do this. Neither of them need the money. Especially just to have an extra thousand dollars to plunk out on a motorhome? Why is it necessary to be mean and hurtful. Be a freakin adult man, say what the hell it is that you feel you are entitled to!!
Personally, I am ashamed of them. I am beyond disgusted. Holy shit though.... they were still our parents. How could they?? Cap, indeed, however, it's not so much that I didn't like them, I didn't know them prior to these past 4 years and I do not know them now... what tiny fraction I do know... makes me realize that is all I ever need care to.
Seriously, if you are the primary caregiver and do not receive an income, but left every single thing in life.... seek out an Elder Law Attorney. Hopefully your siblings will not be like mine were.... hey, if you have everything in place, and no one harasses you, keep it to yourself.... if they do start being greedy little beings, then you are covered.
I just wanted to say that - it's your story and others that help me realize that I must choose a different path and not stay on as my father's caregiver. I get it that everyone's situation is different, but it would be extremely hurtful to me if I stay in my caregiving role. Everyone sacrifices for their own reasons, and sometimes the reason is just that we're giving people and don't know how else to respond to family or loved one's time of need.
It's very late and I'm not sure I'm making any coherent point, lol. I'm touched by your situation. I'm so, so, so sorry that siblings can act like that. Please take care of yourself, and protect your feelings if you can.
Jeanette, thanks for sharing, and advice about the greedy little beings, often called siblings, but they don't act like it.
Veronica that's great news...
P.S. Don't need details to pray for your continued improvement!
i get you .
when the elders are gone you look around and realize that youre " it " .
maybe we dont want to be " it " . maybe we yearn for the days that the cops had us pulled over on washington street and were bug - eye- dly searching the contents of our 1965 oldsmobile ashtray .
roach dope .
it was our last , but anticipated resort ..