Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
At the risk of annoying you even more with unsolicited suggestions, CW, you can get some very soft lightweight headphones that she'd barely know were there. They're cordless, wish I could remember the brand name… look up 'cordless headphones' online, maybe?

There are also very comfortable ear*plugs* on the market, of course… ;)
(2)
Report

cwillie, you have my complete support for doing only what you can do. The sad thing about growing old is that you run out of things you can do. A person with dementia may even stop enjoying TV or looking out a window. The caregiver cannot fill in all the moments of life without totally sacrificing their own life. The cg has to take care of herself, as well as taking care of the elder. Trying to entertain them all day would drive any sane person crazy and make life a thing not worth living. We feel guilty about not spending our waking hours with them, but we really can't do it. It would be wonderful if family and friends came around to help with this, but that doesn't happen. So we do what we can.

I know you had to really be beside yourself to yell Shut up at her. I understand. I've gotten to that point a couple of times, too. I try to forgive myself, knowing I'm just human. It also helps me to get on here and talk about all the stuff I go through. cwillie, I am glad that you talked about this. Many of us know how you're feeling.
(4)
Report

Thanks Jessie, I know I can vent here and people understand, even though I risk the disapproval of a few. I was reading somewhere that one of the main stressors for caregivers is that we can't fix it no matter what we try. If she were a fussy baby I could gather her up in my arms and rock her to sleep.
(6)
Report

cwillie, so true! I had a rough week, too.
It is so frustrating to watch them decline and so little
we can do. And mine never listen even when there is
something I can do.
(2)
Report

the more you read about specific diseases and end of life issues , the more you can sympathize with what the patient is suffering in my opinion . i suspect most of us found this site initially because we were just about to snap . dementia isnt going to get better but how you deal with it can and probably must . after your parent is gone youll be doing a lot of looking back .
one of the most difficult times in your life -- reading helps . thats my point ..
(7)
Report

I have been at the hospital every day now and it looks like they have a handle on it. Some kind of orthostatic blood pressure problem. When she stands up her Bo goes down and so does she. The changed he medicine and it I stabilizing he blood pressure and pulse. Hoping she can come home tomorrow with home health providing PT.
(5)
Report

I'm glad to hear they've figured it out Shar! How are you? How is Hubs and the grandchild?
(1)
Report

My sister has mos blood pressure. It is positional. When laying down it is normal, sitting it drops, standing it drops even more and activity causes it to even more. She passed out once in a store. Nothing has worked well in regards to the meds the Dr Rx's for blood pressure.
(1)
Report

CWillie I cannot for the life of me see what the problem is (said with tongue nearly through cheek never mind in it!) How you cope is beyond me - I would have run out to the garage locked the door and screamed till there was no voice left. Anyone who suggests you should entertain her 24/7 needs their head testing and their tongues pulled out. It's tough enough managing the care you do let alone this becoming a full on 24/7 attempt to kill yourself by doing more hun. Huge kudos to you and a great big {{{{{}}}}}
(4)
Report

Timbuktu, you're not alone in needing to lose weight. I'm sure many of us here need to. Whether you are caring for someone at home or in a nursing home, there's still a great deal of stress and time consumption that goes with it.
(1)
Report

In the uk we have a sweet (candy) called chocolate peanuts and I have to say chocolate coated peanuts are a favourite of mine. Now I need to lose weight so what did I go and do last night? Made myself a sandwich with peanut butter one side and chocolate the other - Sadly it is rather too nice so I had another one!!!!!!! What time of last night ? oh about 3.30 when I had to get up to Mum - that's my lethal time - wake me up in the middle of the night and my brain says feed me ....feed me now - of course it never says lets try a nice salad shall we
(5)
Report

cwillie, Once while making my mother the dinner she asked for, liver and onions, she kept calling out for me again and again. She forgot I was making dinner. Is it important Mom? Can it wait Mom? I will be there in a few minutes Mom. I can't come right this minute Mom. I have something on the stove Mom. I have a soft voice so I had to speak up for her to hear but she thought I was mad at her and she told me she didn't mean to upset me. Then I had to take the pan off the fire, run into her room quickly explain I wasn't mad just trying to make dinner and couldn't leave the kitchen to talk. She wanted me to come sit with her. She even asked if there was something she could do to help, bless her heart. At that time she was bedridden, unable to do much but could partially feed herself depending on how much I was able to sit her up. I thanked her but said I just can not be in two places at the same time. I finished making her dinner, it seemed like it took forever with all the interruptions but really wasn't that long. I finally sat with my Mom while she ate her liver and onions. Oh, how I stressed while making the dinner. Thinking back I see that my Mom got her liver and onions, me by her side keeping her company and I got a break even if it wasn't the one I planned on.
When my mother could no longer use the computer for her solitaire games, or work her crossword or jigsaw puzzles and read her books then music became even more important. To change it up a bit I found and played songs that she didn't have in her library but that she grew up on. It helped her since she had more memory of her younger years. It was not easy to watch since she used to keep busy with her puzzles, books and watching baseball games. {{{cwillie}}}
(3)
Report

I have a silly whine today. I get so tired to my mother referring to herself as "we" or "us." I am going to have to start asking if she has a mouse in her pocket. It feels like she is trying to steal my identity and combine it with hers, like I'm just an extension of her. It is most unpleasant and dehumanizing, the way she does it.
(4)
Report

shilo,
it really helps the carer to put themselves in the elders position , as youve demonstrated . my mother was frustrated that she was going to die and someone ( way ) less deserving was going to have her house for nothing . one day she walked out front and started throwing tools out into the driveway as far as she could . i never interrupted her but when she was done i helped her back into the house safely . i knew she was frustrated and knew why . i would be too .
most people who own a home have sacrificed all else to get and pay for it . the turds who ended up with her home havent worked a total of 5 years in the last 45 . it was so unjust that i could have thrown some tools with her .
(4)
Report

cwillie, all you can do is be with her. My Mom was like that also, couldn't see, understand, walk or talk for 5 years. I told her things, whether or not she knew, I still told her. I held her hand and we put on lawrence welk, willie nelson, elvis, etc. I even watched the golden girls and in a brief sentence or two told her about it. I could get her to laugh, yet she laughed at nothing also. Yes other than cooking, bathing and feeding her , and running up and down to do my laundry, I was by her side. She was just scared, confused and needed me there. I also 5 hours a day spoon feeding her. Put yourself in her position, sit blindfolded and imagine being confused also, its scary. Hang in there, its worth every minute to make someone feel loved. Just lost my Mom 4 weeks ago and I now live with pride and relief knowing I did everything I could, everything that anyone would want in their last years. Try and get weekend help, or morning help, to give yourself a break. We also put a birdfeeder outside her window just for conversations that I could use once she couldn't see it anymore. We dont know what they hear or understand, they cannot let us know. Just imagine she knows everything . One thing I do know, they pick up on how you feel, if you are frustrated she will be sad, if you are happy she will be, etc. Make sure you tell her you love her and are always there for her, she will smile, inside or out. It doesnt last forever, although I know it cure feels like it. I was at the end of my rope! I mean it, little did I know she was too.
(7)
Report

Reversaroles, reading your words touch my heart. i could see my self in so many of your actions, just wanting to give the best possible care to the one we love. So much insight, I am sure you are a good friend to those around you. And i pray you are richly blessed for your efforts.
(4)
Report

cap, I hear you about the tools. I could join you throwing those tools. See how many of my relatives heads I could reach. Wonder if they would ricochet?
(5)
Report

JB, I can picture you asking your mother about little Topo Gigio.
(3)
Report

Shilo,

Why Topo Gigio?

I grew up LOVING Topo Gigio, yes I watched in México in Spanish. He wore a cute white and red horizontal stripes shirt. I begged mom for one, and I got it!
Hahaha, wore it to school and.... the kids started calling me Topo Gigio.
One day, my mom arrived at the school to pick me up (third grade), and the kids said: "Look, here comes Topo Gigio's MOM! Haha. I'm glad this is an anonymous posting, because I have never ever told anyone else!
Thanks for the laugh,
M88
(6)
Report

I had to look up what Topo Gigio was, and wondered if I was the JB mentioned. It is a mouse, so maybe. :3
(4)
Report

Mulata, JessieBelle mentioned possibly asking her mother if she was referring to herself and a mouse when her mother spoke in the plural form "we". That made me think of the mouse Topo Gigio. I was hoping it would lighten JB's mood just a little. I am glad it brought a good memory back for you.
(2)
Report

I envy you that have had and are having a decent relationship with their mother. I have a mother that actually seems please that I also probably have osteoarthritis, kind of a smiling "i told you so" look to the only person on this planet that will take care of her. Meanwhile, I took a break from going thru her health bill which are confusing,to write this. Right now I have 3 phone line tied up with her business, one to setup a kyphoplasty procedure, another to decipher a very expensive chemo bill, and another to her insurance company to also help decipher chemo bill and 2 other bills that look like she was double billed. Meanwhile it is beautiful outside and all I can do is be enmeshed with all her business while she merrily sits in her little art studio I set up for her. Also I now need to lose 100lbs.If my knee didn't hurt so bad I would go run out in traffic.
(4)
Report

timbuktu, I know exactly how you feel. My mother seems to always be wishing that I'll come down with something. Diabetes is her main wish for me. I tell her sorry, that I don't have it yet. She seems disappointed. Maybe she would like someone to share the inconvenience of it?? I don't know, but it is a feeling I get. I'm sure that I'll have a lot go wrong some day. If my mother is alive, I won't tell her, because it will give her ammunition to use against me. Isn't that a strange way for me to feel? My brother also won't tell her things, probably for the same reason.

I've been spending so many days now handling house repair projects that have been put off for years now. When I first came here, I put things off because I didn't realize how long I was going to be here. I've had workers do small things as they had to be done, but it is time to handle a major reconstruction. I was feeling really ragged this morning. To add to it, the rabbit is acting sick. I had to tell myself that it is all not so serious and to just set things up, then go on with life.

Life is not such fun anymore. It's like one dread on top of another. It helped when I did something this morning, though. I went in the living room and there set my mother in the dark, looking miserable like she has for 6.5+ years now. I said she needed to get up and start living again. She said she wouldn't care if she died. I told her she had been dying every day all day long for 10 years now. She needed to spend her days living, and not dying. I think that is good advice for us all.

I need to spend my days living and not dreading. Life is given to enjoy, not to dread.
(9)
Report

Welp. Realized today that my father's wallets and checkbooks were thrown out in a bag due to him taking them into hospital for surgery even though he was advised not to do that by many people, including multiple times and multiple occasions I warned him not to do that. He does it anyway and I've learned to just allow it because I truly cannot control his actions. I know he's not happy to lose his things, and I'm not happy about having to go through the process of canceling things and ordering replacements.

I suppose it's some help to know for sure they were discarded and not stolen, and I'm certain of that.
(3)
Report

It is Monday. Can't we just put things off until Tuesday?

Sorry about your sick rabbit, Jessebelle. What are the symptoms of a sick rabbit?
(1)
Report

Send, Yes you can put things off until the third Tuesday of the month.
(1)
Report

Jessie, we have that same issue with my FIL, back in the day when the 3 of us were still going out to eat in restaurants, whe approached by the waitress if we wanted a cocktail, he would answer, oh, WE don't drink, Umm No, you mig6not drink, but please don't answer for us, and then my husband would promptly order a Long Island Ice Tea, not necessarily because he actually wanted one, but just to show the Old Man that WE are not Him, and that WE have identities of our own! Hubby probably Needed that Ice Tea, after that anyhow! Lol! I know that I should probably be Drinking more, if only to deal with the stress of caregiving, but i rarely ever drink. He does this all of the time, and it's so frustrating!
Anothe rant: yesterday, after making sure that the Old Man had everything needed, including water, juice, dinner prepared, and ready in the fridge on a plate, cold chicken, potato salad, Cole slaw, everything he had asked for, as we were going out for a couple of hours to play cards at my sisters house, only 2 miles away, it was 6pm. As I was leaving the house, I asked him if there was anything else he thought he might need, and told him to be very careful, and to carry his cell phone in his pocket should he fall or need us for any reason. His response was "are we going to be home by 7:30pm" (his bedtime)? Umm, No, as we are going to be playing cards for awhile, but that I would lock the front door, and that he should just go to bed as usual. I guess that I walked right into it, but I said, Are you going to be alright? And his reply was "I suppose I'll have to be, won't I?" Why doe he always have to make us feel guilty, if we step out once and awhile? He never lets us feel like we should be able to do anything on our own, or leave the house together, without making some "poor me" comment! However when we are home, and having normal conversation, he says he has no problems being home on his own, it's always right as we are leaving, that he thinks of last minute things he Needs, just to hold us up, or make us feel bad, and its usually Me, as hubby is out warming up the car, and he thinks of ways to hold me up, and he has known for an hour or more that we are leaving, but waits until the last minute to ask for something, usually something dumb, like calling in a prescription or reading a piece of mail, or getting him something from the kitchen! Grrrrr!
(5)
Report

well he will have a happy mess to clean up... and maybe a wake up call too! I get that you feel bad,, but he is an A$$
(2)
Report

tacy, that is so bad it is hard to know what to say.
(1)
Report

Tacy, I would call APS anonymously, if I were you! That would definitely create the wake up call! As sad as this situation is, I am glad to hear that you didn't get sucked back into that quagmire of dysfunction, thats for sure!
(2)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter