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Will it be easier or harder? I think that it will be easier in some ways and harder in other.
Obviously you will have you lives back as a couple, but that in in itself may be a huge adjustment after sharing your home for so long. You will be freed of the burden of physical care, you will no longer have to take him into account whenever you shop or visit or want to plan a holiday.
On the flip side, he may very well turn into one of those grumpy old men who complains that you dumped him in a home and tries to make you feel bad every time you visit. So unless you are psychologically prepared for that it may be very hard. I think deep in your hearts you still feel you would be letting him down. Try to look on the move in a more positive way, make a list of all the things that will be available to him there that you can not provide... if he is cantankerous and chooses not to take advantage of the pluses that is all on him, not you and hubs!
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Thank you Cwillie, I know you are right! Once again, we are having the same old conversation, and it always gets anxious, meanwhile, he sits in his lounge chair, oblivious that we feel like the wheels are falling off. Beginning my research Today!
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Stacey you are enabling your FIL by being at his beck and call and you jolly well know that woman! And just one small question hun cos I adore you and your sense of humour - who in this world do you know who has their every need met?

I would start by placing him into respite so you can have a week away. No arguments just very factual - you are going into respite because we are going to the moon and back and will be unable to care for you for a week. It's no up for discussion we need to have some quality time together with some sun on our backs - end of conversation - if he gets arsey tell him it is that or a permanent position in such a facility because you ARE going to have some one on one time.
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Jude, I know! I've been looking into LTC facilities all afternoon, as well as a couple that do do respite care, which would almost be like a trial run. Hubby and I agreed that we will start touring a few this next week. Now that is progress! I thank you all for putting up with me and my whining so much recently!
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I meant to say LOOKING ONLINE FOR LTC FACILITIES NEAR BY.
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Stacey, you're not whining - far from it. You're approaching the situation rationally and objectively, and trying like most people in your situation to balance the emotional with the practical aspects. It's not an easy thing to do.
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Stacey hun you are entitle to express your frustration babes. FIL is not some sweet old gent that is amenable now is he?

Remember the rules about visiting facilities. Go without an appointment and go more than once, use all your senses especially smell to get a real feel for the place. Ask about the ratio of staff to residents - they should know that for day and for night. Ask about religious facilitation. ask to see the kitchens, ask to see menus, ask to see entertainment diary, ask to see anything you can think of that is on your list of must haves - oh and you need a list of must haves!!!!! xxxx
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Stacey, Phoenix is right about all the things to look for. I also found when looking for a place when my Mom had rehab, that the mood of the staff was telling. The last place Mom was in for a few months before she came home was the best. I found that when I walked through this better place that the employees were friendlier and made eye contact. The bad places they just scowled when I walked through like they were unhappy with their jobs and afraid of what me, the visitor, might see. Also look at other residents. The good place had people clean and dozing in wheelchairs, whereas the bad one had people agitated or crying. Not to say that some of this might not happen anywhere, but in the bad one it was the norm.
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Stacey, Another very important consideration is the location of the AL. An AL that's fairly close to your home will make visits to check on your FIL and the inevitable emergency runs to deliver supplies and meds much easier. Also, it might be a good idea to see what services are available on the premises. Is there a barber/beauty shop? Are blood draws and podiatrist visits available on site? I know that this is a big and stressful decision. The very best of luck!
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AWESOME! Thank you all for your wonderful tips, I'm writing them down fast and furious! I have 4 within 2.5 miles, and even more if i choose, but their ratimgs aren't as good. So, if ther is a five point rating, and they are only given 3 stars overall on a point scale, should I still check them out? And I do know not to talk in advance with the Old Man, as well as not discuss ratings with him, and oh God, this whole thing is making me feel sick! Maybe I'm just sick of thinking and talking about it! Thaks Ya'll! It does mean a lot that you are helping me through this! I should start my own thread, and not hijack this one, sorry guys!
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Stacey, I tend to think ratings are very subjective. Also 5 star facilities rely on the quality of the employees and that can change often, right from ownership level down to housekeeping and kitchen staff.
I do think that a good management team makes for happier employees and happier residents, but I have also seen upper management thwarted at every attempt to reform by entrenched older employees who are resistant to change. Check out the 3 and 4 star places if you have the time, you may be pleasantly surprised.
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Thanks Cwillie, I was thinking that too!
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Stacey another thing, something we were told by my Mom's caseworker before we had found a place for her. Don't be fooled by the big, modern looking nursing homes. I lot of the time they spent all their resources on that and the staff are not as happy or nice. The first place we had my Mom in was old but the staff were wonderful and happy, then they rebuilt it into a fancier place, fired most of the staff at the old place and my Mom was very unhappy there, in fact she died two mths. after being moved there.
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Stacy try and hang around the parking lot and talk to other visitors. This will give you the most honest view of the place.
Ask if she can take any of her own belongings with her especially something like a favorite arm chair or recliner. There is nothing worse that being forced to sit for many hours in an uncomfortable chair for the sake of "being out of bed"
Are their windows in the rooms? By that I mean something other than a pane of class looking out on a brick wall. These things may seem small but in that kind of a room a patient soon feels they are in solitary confinement especially if they get the bed by the door.
Ask to sit in a room for half an hour and see if you could tolerate it full time. Note the smells and the noise level. Look at things from your own point of view. Just because Mom or Dad is 87 and on the dementia journey does not mean that will be content with a crazy room mate who sits up all night and sings and keeps coming over and touching you. She turns up the thermostat to 80 and you get the nurse to turn it down and as she returns to the room she flicks it back up as she walks past. Sorry I was just whining but you get the drift.
Of no help or particular interest I once worked in a hospital where the geriatric wards were part of the old Dickens workhouse. Indescribable!!!!!
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Stacey, Also, a smaller place might be willing to throw in some extra services that aren't typically included in their base rent. My dad's independent living was supposed to supply two meals in the dining room plus the ingredients for a resident-prepared continental breakfast in a common area. When my dad rented his apartment, they gave him a no-cost upgrade to breakfast in the dining room. They also chose to provide him with linen service (sheets and pillowcases only, not towels) even though they usually didn't supply that for people in independent living. You should probably be prepared to pay a nonrefundable deposit to the assisted living place. My dad's deposit was $2,000.
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My whine moment:
I think I finally understand what upsets me the most about the reaction that others have to my parents' Alzheimer's. They don't understand the tragedy of the disease.
When the 2 towers fell on 9/11, everyone was shocked. Some families didn't know for months what had happened to their loved ones.
Their loss was wrong and they had people to blame for those losses.
Our hearts ached for the families.

We cried out for justice so the President declared war on those responsible.
We didn't expect the families to heal quickly. We understood that such a tragedy would devastate them for a long time.
I'm not trying to diminsh their experiences. But is a caregiver's experience any less tragic?

When someone dies with Alzheimer's, we say that they're in a better place and that its God's will.

That its just life.
Then we go our separate ways.
We expect the families to grieve their loss quickly and move on.

We expect them to Thank God for their blessings.
We don't see the sleepless nights.
We don't see the nightmares.
We don't see the overwhelming bureacracy
We don't see all the shattered hopes and dreams.
We don't see the the devastation and hopelessness.
We don't cry out for justice.
The President is busy fighting other wars
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No offense Calysta but comparing people suffering from Alzheimer's and what their families go through to 9 11 is an unfair comparison. Madmen from the middle east hating because of some screwed up ideas that they have been brainwashed into thinking and then going out and killing innocent men, women and children from all ages, walks of life etc. and the carnage of shattered lives they leave behind. Alzheimer's being a medical condition that people basically are born with if you really think about it cause its genetic is devastating to them and their families but hardly the same thing.

I'm not trying to make light of your suffering cause trust me I know what you are going through but I don't really think you can compare the two things.
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I get the point you are trying to make Calysta, we go to war, literally, over the tragedy of a few thousand while seemingly ignoring the hundreds of thousands who are suffering and dying of dementia. But just as dementia seems invisible so too is the battle to defeat it. Millions, indeed billions, of dollars are spent on health care and research around the world. There are resources available out there, even if they are not as robust as we might wish for. This "war" is still ongoing, we may not be able to declare victory in out lifetimes, but we are winning small battles every day.
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What is it about grieving people or caregivers that makes some others behave so badly towards them??? It seems that people like to kick others when they are down. Thus far since Mom died I have had to deal with indifference from in-laws and a few others, an attempted extortion of 5 figures from an ex business partner of our family only 2 weeks after Mom died, who also calls herself a "minister"
( she did NOT get away with this), Then yesterday an 85 yr old ex neighbor who lived next to Mom for 14 years calls asking about my selling Mom's home for friends of hers and did not offer condolences until 10 minutes into the conversation just kept telling me about her friends wanting Mom's home. We are not ready to sell yet.(and for that I will raise the price if I did sell to her, haha!) I actually thought she did not know Mom was gone! What the &%%%% is the matter with some people?? Maybe all this nasty thoughtless behavior is why I have been so depressed and very angry lately. Time to put on my helmet and sharpen my sword too. Why the bad behavior towards people grieving and caregivers?
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Oh Katie, for you the wound is still raw so you may be taking offence where none is intended. The neighbour was on a mission for her friends and wanted to speak to you before you made other plans, some people do sell up and move on with obscene haste. The business partner was also operating under the same idea, get her claim in before you settle the estate. The fact that the claim has no merit is something else entirely, some people are truly clueless about finances and she must have felt it was legitimate??
We have already talked on the thread about society's need to put bad things aside and move on. Grief is uncomfortable, and surely you have put it behind you, it has been weeks, after all!
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Katie, life has moved on for the people you know. Each of us handles grief in our own way and in our own time. Most people have lived life more separate from their parents when they are old, so the grief for them is not intense. Intense grief is recognized for spouses or children, but not so much for elderly parents. Please don't be so hard on neighbors and friends for not recognizing the extent of grief that you are feeling. Are you talking to a therapist to help you work through this? It may help to ease the hurt you are feeling.

Your neighbor meant no harm calling about the house. To tell the truth, if someone called me the day my mother died and wanted to buy the house, I would be glad. It would be one step closer to moving down the road from the hardship I've been living. We all look at these things differently.
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cwillie, This partner is a greedy person and has pulled stuff before but never anything like this. She knew exactly what she was doing and hoped I would be so weak and stupid as to not catch it. One thing I do wonder about is possible dementia beginning on her part ...though she was this way before but never quite this brazen. Maybe dementia makes already bad traits in a person even worse. As for the ex neighbor...I would never be so brash as to ask for a dead person's things or especially without giving condolence first off, but I would not do this at all. Such behavior makes me cringe. Reminds me of circling vultures. She did just lose the chance for the place by being so cold. She never was the sharpest tack in the box though. I see our society of "you can have it your way" causing a lot of nasty inconsiderate behavior. Usually people like this dig themselves in so deep somewhere they can't get out. I also don't know too many people who can put grief behind them after only a few weeks. ...my Mom's passing is just too fresh as is all the tumult I went through beforehand.
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I want to add that when I was caring for my Mom and knew she would pass on I thought I would move forward much easier. I thought I would immediately do this and that. No one knows how one will feel until after this happens. You may be surprised at how you feel. I am.
Thanks to all of you that were there for me during the time I cared for my Mom 24/7 when she was bedridden. {{Hugs}}, Katie...
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Katie, losing parents is the natural order of life. People over 50 tend to understand because they have lost one or more parent. Believe me, I do know how I will feel when my mother dies, but we are not as close as you were to your mother.
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I think anyone who is grieving needs to have their feelings validated. I have suffered a great deal of loss and I agree that you don't know how you will react until it happens. I don't think anyone puts grief behind them in a few weeks - the literature on grief supports that. People may go into denial but the pain is still there.
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JessieBelle, so based on what you are telling me about the seeming levels of closeness to our parents, I guess I am in the wrong place here.
Death of a parent is also not new to me. I lost my Dad when I was age 35. And so many more people close to me, as I am sure many others here have as well throughout our lives.
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Katie, I don't think Cwillie was saying YOU have to put it behind you in only a few weeks, but that others perceive that you should have been able to, and of course they are wrong in their thinking, or have never lost someone they have truly Loved before. Its like getting those few days off work to arrange your own parents funeral, then immediately people seem to think you have moved passed it, and can return to your original post, unscathed. No, in my opinion, it could take eons, but by that time, your position has been given to somebody else, as it is a business after all. The whole walk a mile in my shoes doesn't impact people, until they are faced with doing it. No, people don't understand, and unfortunately probably never will, and that is what we have to somehow accept. They are desensitized to other pain, and it is sad! Perhaps you and I and most of the caregivers here do get it, and maybe it was the way in which we were raised, but life does go on, while we are grieving, and there's no way to ever stop that. Also, people are uncomfortable with death and grieving, they don't know what to say, or how to act, and if they've said, I'm so sorry once, they are not sure if You want it brought back up, over and over. So I suggest that you be brave, cut them off and say, "this is still early days for me yet, and I'm not ready to discuss my Mother's things, house, business with anyone yet". If saying that does not stop them in their tracks, nothing will, and they are just plain rude. Try to accept that people are ignorant of the grieving process, and pay them no mind. I'm sorry you are struggling so!
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I don't think there is really a time line for grief or loss, you feel what you feel for how ever long. my mom still cries over the death of her mother, which was 20 years ago
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Katie, You are exactly correct, in that we often think that after doing something for so long that we can just go out and start doing this and that right away.

We cannot, and it was good of you to point that out.
Sorry that you and others are hurting so.
Keep sharing, we care!
Love, from Send.
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Katie I hear you! Its been almost a year since my dear Mom died. Am I feeling better?
No!

Maybe all these people in your life and mine need a big dose of reality. Maybe when they lose something that was so very important to them they will understand. Or not. Who cares anyways. I understand Katie.
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