My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Katie - What you wrote is all normal grieving and it is very rough. (((((hugs)))))) We all go through it sooner or later. They should teach about it in school!

Sharyn M and Katie, I'm sorry you feel slighted. Whatever you are feeling and going through is valid. I'm wondering, in terms of lack of response, if it is because of the large volumes of posts or the fear of not knowing what to say in the face of psychological distress or adverse circumstances. There is also fatigue/busy schedules. Another feature of these posts is that there does not seem to be a way to cut and paste/include the other person's message in your response. That's hard for people with memory problems, especially factual information and names. I think someone should come out with a print or e-book on how to respond to people who have gone through trauma, like "what to say to someone when you don't know what to say.

Katie, please don't take your grief somewhere by yourself. You are loved here and have so much to contribute. If you aren't in a grief group please at least get a book about grief. When I got a divorce, my mom gave me a book on grief because you really go through the same process. I think that many of our most knowledgable people have left the thread because their loved ones have passed. Fortunately Gershun is still here. (Hugs), but many others have left and I for one miss them! I know that I have been out of it a bit but I long to see and hear from some of you who have left us. I think we should start a thread for those people to share their feelings.
And thanks to all of you for your comments. I have checked her temp and she usually runs one when she has a UTI. I am looking for a knowledgeable doctor to take her to, because her current PC has made comments to me implying that they can't stay forever. I said something about praying about something and she said prayers are for the weak. That statement made me decide it is time to get a new doc.

What is it with these doctors who seem to think that at 80 or above life is at an end so why bother? How many on this site are caring for elders in their 90s or even beyond... if they are still fit and active it should be a priority to keep them that way, not only for their own sake but for the caregivers as well!!!

Snow? What is Snow? We didn't get one flake this year, and I love it! Oh well, maybe next year.
Tacy, thanks for the explaination. Some people never learn!
Sheradale, glad you are getting some improvement with your shots,
Katie, I wish you were feeling better with the grieving of your Mom, I do know that it takes time, and is different for everyone. What Sheradale said, 30 odd years ago, when I was going through my divorce, in my grieving process, my emotions ju6shut down, and my memory of that entire year. I couldn't cry, sleep, remember things, I don't even remember my kids barely from that time period. We all go through it in a different way. For me, in dealing with my own parents dying, it was really tough as we lost 3 parents in 14 months, so there wasn't even time to grieve properly. Then, after my Mom died (our last of the 3), I began to take time on my own to sit outside, and to just close my eyes in a sort of meditation, and allow myself to feel, and remember them, and to let it out. This made my husband uncomfortable at first, as I was disappearing for an hour, and would come in from crying at times, but it helped me in that way, and he got over asking me about it. Now, so many years later, I'm at peace with things. I felt cheated, as they all were only 74 and 75, still so young. But God has his own plan, and they are still with me, just in a different way. God help you in your quest for peace and acceptance of the loss of your Sweet Mom. The missing them never goes away though, and we have to accept that as beautiful memories.

Hi all,

Yogagirl, you are taking on so much... be careful, it's very easy to burn out, and so very hard to re-charge.

Grief. I hate that word, even more, I just hate it period. Will it ever lessen it's firm grip? Why do I have to file my mother's taxes? She's dead, they no longer have to pay out SS or Medicare to her, isn't that enough?

Mother's Day is the 8th, her birthday is the 11th, her death day the 27th. So many reminders ...if I could think of them and smile at all the wonderful happy memories it would be okay but.... I think of them and all I can see is their final painful months and then having to be strong enough to hold them while they died. Trying to sleep but all you can see is their faces and how different they looked.

Perhaps this would be easier if I still lived in another state when they passed and wasn't the one that spent years alone with them. Who knows. I dislike my brothers, yet I wish things were like they used to be. Maybe if I had caring family in my life it would be easier. The list of "maybe's" is endless....

Finally went to the docs the other day. It's been 10 months since I saw him. He was also my mother's doc and he too, reminds me of her. I see his name on her death certificate.... anyway, I told him to switch my anti-depressants and start me back on the weight loss pills. This has been like being in a giant vortex of one nightmare creates another and another. That's another thing, I could see how he looked at me while I struggled to explain what was going on with me, it's hard to do when the tears are flowing, your throat is constricted and your chest in that vice grip. Although I'm sure it's not true for all men, but they do seem to handle death easier. Me? I just fall apart at a thought or mention or picture....it makes me feel pretty helpless at times. Go see a psych he says, go to grief counseling he says, exercise he says, blah blah blah. I've did all that, tried all that and the awfuls are still here. Time, he says, time will help. His nurse said her mother still falls apart and it's been 10 years since her mom died. I can't imagine ...going through this for another 9 years. Let's see, going through menopause, hot flashes, weight gain, death of both parent's, now comes the depression, more weight gain, anti-depressant that makes me gain more weight, anxiety, PTSD, taxes.... makes me think this is just a very cruel joke that never ends. It's like I know what I HAVE to do but just can't seem to do it. Or simply just don't care enough anymore to do it? Haven't decided which one yet :/

The weather is beyond gorgeous here in the PNW. Tree's are blooming, tulips, wildflowers and everything in-between. Fake it till I make it seems to be the answer these days. Force myself to take the girls out, force myself to mow the grass, till the garden, plant flowers and veggies... I long for the day that I have energy and motivation to WANT to participate in life again. Even reading these posts sends me into a tailspin of grief and memories.

Maybe when her taxes are filed, the month of May is over and these new meds kick in, I will hopefully have a better outlook.... maybe

My biggest regret in life is when, about 10 years Before my Mom's Uterine Cancer diagnosis, she at about age 64, had some irregular vaginal bleeding, a pinkish watery discharge, and the Dr's did a biopsy and a D&C, scraping og her uterus. The Dr Told us that she stopped counting polyps at 100! But that it was biopsied as Negative. But how can you biopsy 100+ polyps. I wish we had a that time, pushed really hard for a hysterectomy, as she could very well still be with us today. Her symptoms returned 10 years later, only to biopsy and find advanced Cancer. I definitely feel cheated. I often thought about pursuing those answers, but ours is not a pushy lawsuit happy family, but I'll bet we would have won, had we
pressed forward. It's those kind of regrets that are sometimes hard to deal with, as I really miss my Mom.
I'm sorry some of you are feeling a bit snubbed on different forums. I hope it isn't me who has made you feel that way. I do admit that I have been very self absorbed lately with my own personal issues, my FIL'S rapid decline and the loss of our dear friend. I definitely don't want anyone to feel like their issues aren't as important as my own! I know that I write long and windy posts, but I don't know how to do it any other way. I think the world of you all, and you and your stuff is every bit as important as mine! I'll be more mindful of you all!

So many of you are struggling with grief, I must say it paints a pretty bleak picture of the future for those of us still in the trenches. Maybe it is better to have them placed in care, to create some distance and to lift that burden of life and death from our shoulders?

I do think that some of what you are experiencing Jeanette is part of the reality of getting older, it is hard for life not to seem stale and flat when we realize many of our dreams will never be realized. I wish I knew how you could recapture a little of that joie de vivre. ((hugs))

Jeanette, I think to some extent, that we do have to Fake it til we Make it, or else we crack up! I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling with your grieving. Maybe once the taxes are done the final time, things will improve. I'm sure the isolation doesn't help, being in your Moms home, amongst all of your folks things, and all those memories can be difficult. While I'm sure it's wonderful to have your parents home, to have received that wonderful gift, most of us get to move on more, dinstance ourselves from their home, and that can be a good thing and a bad thing, I'm not sure which. Whichever way, its still painful. Still, I do believe that time is the answer, and the pain does lesson, and you/we are left with the good memories of our parents. God bless,

Here is the update on mom's fall.
I tried to take her to her Dr the next morning,
but she was in too much pain to get in
the car so I called 911. My sis met us at the ER.
We had one of those long, miserable, waits.
Finally they x-rayed her and said she has new multiple rib
fractures and old spinal fractures.
After another short wait of about 4 hrs, they
admitted her to a regular room.
She was loving the attention and the tray of food
until my sis and got up to go, then mom got angry.

Thank You Golden and everybody. I guess I need a lot of time to get through this and everything else going on. Day at a time. {{Hugs}} to all of you!

Okay let's try this again. Jeanette, your mom only passed a few months ago. You are asking too much of yourself to bounce back after spending most of the last years of your life focusing on her. Even if she had passed somewhere else, there is usually no bond as strong as mother daughter bonds. I can't even imagine what a basket case I will be and I am the executrix of her estate so I will have to deal with all that you are doing as well.
Doctors don't really understand and can't have empathy with you unless they have gone through it themselves. The advice they give is good. Get active, give it time, go to support groups, etc. it is just that you want so badly for it to be over because you started your grieving before she actually passed.
My advice, follow what the doctor says and keep coming back here where people understand.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and good thoughts.

I'm a bundle of nerves because the hospital
wants to discharge her. We may need to place her and
it feels so rushed on Friday afternoon, no less.

Yoga girl, I am so sorry for what they are doing to you. My mom crack some ribs a couple of years ago and we also had to beg the hospital to keep her over night because she lived alone and I had to get her bed into our house and move her stuff in. That was how she came to live with me. You have to watch her because there is a likelihood that she could have difficulty breathing because of the cracked ribs. My mom has COPD and developed pneumonia about a month after moving in.

Yogagirl, Hope your Mom is feeling better soon. I don't know why those ER waits are always so long. I am hoping for a quick recovery.

Jeanette, that is a good way to put it...fake it till we make it! I feel like I have to put on a stoic face at the tax place, the dentists, lawyers, etc. etc. I find I do best when I am in an unfamiliar place where no one knows me.

Cwillie, I feel like I am not keeping up with this World and have that jaded feeling. I am hoping that will go away at some point and I will find some enthusiasm for something.

Stacey, It is hard to be in or near Mom's home. In my case I am across the street and we took her into our home the last year and a half. I am still having trouble going into her room here though a few weeks ago I painted it a brighter color. I now don't believe I had the energy to do that.

Sharadale, That is also so true...I think we start our grieving for our failing parent long before they pass on. The parent is no longer the same strong person they once were and declining so we go through the grieving process again and again....

YogaGirl, I'm so sorry to learn of your mother's fall and the stress you're going through now.

If I calculate correctly, she was admitted yesterday but the hospital is trying to discharge her now, presumably to a rehab facility for rehab from the fractures?

I'm not positive about this, and will admit that lately I've had some difficulty keeping some issues straight, but I believe that a hospital stay of 3 days is necessary for Medicare to pay for a rehab facility. If I'm wrong, hopefully someone will correct me. After years of these kinds of issues, sometimes they get all mixed up in my brain.

If you don't have a specific facility in mind, try to get some family help to check out ones recommended by the discharge planner. Not all are even decent.

And I know it's hard, but be firm with the doctors in getting the information you want. You have that right!

Good luck with addressing this issue.

Hi Jeanette! , quickly, just wanted to add this about taxes. 1) isn't there a way to just sign the tax form blank, send it in and the IRS will figure the taxes based on what they know? 2) Filing for an extension can ease the pressure you are under. However, if you think Mother may have owed taxes, one would have to send that in to be posted on time with the extension.
Others may know more, thus info just passed by my awareness from talking to my tax attorney years ago.Hope this is a viable way for you to have the pressure of April 15th lifted off your shoulders.
Later, I will go backwards, reading everyone's posts. It has been a long time since seeing our Jeannette here.

Wow, this is the busiest I have seen this thread in ages. Jeanette!!! Good to see you on here. Sorry you are having a tough time girl! I know we have spoken lots about our grief and how it never seems to get better. Katie you are not alone in how you feel. I think sometimes it would of been easier if I had not loved my Mom as much as I did but then I would never of experienced all the joy of my deep bond with her. People always say "oh she would want you to go on and be happy" I know that and know if she were here right now she would look at me with her sweet face and tell me to be happy, don't waste your time grieving, we will meet again and till then remember me with fondness but don't lose your life by grieving.
I recognize this to be true but I just can't stop missing her.

Jeanette, Katie, Luckylu, myself and all of you who have lost loved ones recently or even long ago, keep the faith and remember you are not alone. Life will get better........at least I think it will. In the meantime don't beat yourself up for grieving. If you need to cry, cry. If people around you don't get it. Too bad for them. Find things that make you happy. Whatever that might be. I feel a bond with all of you.

Just be aware if you file an extension for your taxes and you owe money, you will have to pay interest and a possible penalty.

Gershun! Thank you so much for responding to everyone who is grieving. This is exactly why we need those of you who have lost loved ones as an active member of our community! Hugs and love to all of you. I know someday I will be reaching out for your help.

GardenArtist, You are exactly right!

Rehab won't take her, private memory care arrangements take time,
dad is at home and agitated asking to be taken to the hospital to see
her. They are both angry and confused.

We probably will take her home and tell her the rehab was full,
then take her to memory care. That is what sis and I discussed.
We shall see...

Katie and Gershun...My husband is tired of me being "down"too and thinks I should just be able to move on and for things to go back to how they were before Mother's journey began when I waited on him a lot more,etc.He wants me to come back to bed with him too and I'm trying to get back.We are both alittle jumpy for some reaon....There were so many changes and everything stopped at once and I think it shocked my system somehow and I too was numb for the first month maybe but now I feel knocked to my knees.I miss my s...weet little monster SO much and I told her everything and she glowed with her love for me and others and it's like the lights went out in our house and in my world....
I have found 2 books helpful on grief.One day when I went to get the mail,a nice lady that had lost her Mother also,left a book in our mailbox.It is called "Healing After Loss"by Martha Whitmore Hickman with daily meditations for working through grief and you read a page each day.The other one,I found at Barnes &Noble called How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies and it's by Therse A.RandoPh,D. which seems pretty helpful.
Falls Are Evil!!!............................To all,take care

Yoga and GA, that was our experience - my mom had to be in the hospital admitted as "in-patient", as opposed to "under observation" for Medicare to cover rehab. Also, she had to be in the hospital 3 days ( the doc said "over three midnights").

Yogagirl, it sounds as though you have been thinking ahead and have a plan in place, good. I hope everything works out the way you want it to, at least right now you know she is safe and being looked after. I'm glad you have family to back you up!

We learned something really important with my mom's hospital stay - hospitals are apt to classify someone as "under observation" due to Medicare restrictions. We were told that just because someone has been admitted and is there a couple days, they may still be classified as "under observation". That can mean Medicare not paying some bills. There was a really good article in the AARP newsletter about this.

Yes, the 3 midnights rule is very important. Make sure they do that, raise holy heck until they change status to INPATIENT and do not let them mess around. Otherwise they pay with Medicare Part B only, and you will pay thousands for the room (plus co-pays for all the Part B, and perhaps some non-covered items will be 100% your resp).

Wow, these hospital and Medicare rules are so confusing! Thank you all for bringing that to light! Ya got to know your stuff!
Yogagirl, I'm so sorry you are going through this with your Mom! I hope she will heal quickly and you get good home care, and paon meds, poor dear! You certainly didn't need all of this heaped up on your already full plate! You take care!

c... c.... c...
What do you want mom?
Nothing

c...c...c...
Shall we get up mom?
NO, I don't want to get up!

c...c...c...
(Thinking that she doesn't know me today) Who are you calling for mom, who do you want?
I'm NOT calling anyone.
Well mom, yes you are calling. What am I supposed to do when you call?
Ignore it.
It's not that easy mom.

c...c...c... can you turn me over? (repeat)
(mumbling) oh shut up old woman.... grumble grumble grumble

Cwillie, I read your comment on a recent post about how involved we should be when our LO'S are in a Nursing home. I guess that is exactly my concern should we get to the point of placing my FIL. I mean, who Is going to be there at his beck and call if he is in some sort of nursing facility? I think I would be constantly worrying if his every need is being met? I guess that at some point you do have to place your trust that they are being well cared for, and of course picking and researching the facility is of utmost importance, but the incredible guilt I know that every person feels when they do have to place a parent must be fierce! I know that most of us get to this point, and sometimes it's taken out of our hands if the parent goes directly from hospital to nursing facility directly due to injury or ilness, but when they have been in your home for as long as we've had my FIL (12 years ), and must make this decision, damn, its hard! And as adamant as my FIL is about Never going into care, how do you do it? Its probably why my husband and I talk nonstop about this exact issue, and are subconsciously waiting for the decision to be taken out of our hands, by some sort of accident or whatever. We are chickens**ts, and don't want to be the bad guys. Obviously not the right way to go about it, and I think it's time we started visiting nearby places and face up to this responsibility! And then oncethey Are placed, is every single visit miserable, with you parent constantly complaining about Everything? Will this even Be easier for us ultimately, or harder? I honestly don't know! Ugg, and D@#n D@#n D@#n, and this is just the beginning! I think you guys are going to be hearing a lot from me in the coming months, Sorry!