My "whine moment today." What's yours?

I have been debating on whether or not to even 'whine' about this. It's not like it's a new thing but her behavior last night just threw me into taking a long walk---and I never walk at night. I'm speaking about my mother and her vascular dementia/alzheimers. I still ask myself whether it's her personality, the disease, or both.
My mother talks out loud when no one is in the room. It is not uncommon, I know. But---how can I describe it---she says out loud what she is thinking and it is not always nice. Mostly I notice the things she says about me when she thinks I cannot hear.
Last night, after a reasonably good day for her with an outing and a visit to her sister, I fix her dinner and her meds and get ready for an evening--a moment-- of peace and reading my new book. All of a sudden I hear her get up from her room and begin (outside my door) singing loudly and complaining loudly (like muttering) about me and how selfish I am and how nobody cares and on an on..
This went on for a few minutes. I became surprised at the behavior out of the blue and was upset. Should I disturb her rant? Does she even realize I hear her? So I go for a long walk to get away from it. Now it's morning and she's not up yet. I wonder if she'll even remember. It upsets me though when I am doing all I can and she still thinks nasty thoughts about me.

Susan, I sympathise about the remote. God it's annoying. My mother was making the most amazing hashes of trying to change channel - trying to find out where she'd got to so that you could put it right was a bit like solving Rubik's Cube, especially with these new set ups so that every tv seems to have about seventeen different remotes that need pressing in the right order, digiboxes and flat screens and all that nause… and often the first I'd know about her wanting to watch something different would be when the volume shot to max and the entire neighbourhood was being rocked on its foundations. Anyway. The thing is, it'll get worse. I agree about the encouraging her to shift for herself as far as reasonable, for the sake of not letting her vegetate; and I know it's important to avoid 'learned helplessness'; but there comes a point when you just have to think "ok, that piece of brain territory is gone for good - give up and work on cultivating the others."

Mother was confidently telling the community dementia nurse yesterday that she could make telephone calls, look up contact details in her address book, manage the tv and her computer and was going to retake her driving test 'as soon as I'm a bit better.' I felt like a cruel robot sitting there saying "No, she can't. No. No. No. No…" The sad thing is that it's not that long since it was yes, she could. And the other sad thing is that I was kind of glad that she was so away with the fairies while the nurse was actually watching - you know that uncomfortable feeling that people might think you're making up melodramas and claiming your mother's worse than she really is?

CM - "away with the fairies" - I like that one. I'll have to remember that for future use! That could have applied to my dad in his last weeks, when his toxin levels were skyrocketing between dialysis treatments. He would see little Santa Clauses running around on the floor (don't step on them!), birds flying around the ceiling (and he would whistle bird calls at them), and eat imaginary items sitting in front of him on an imaginary tray with an imaginary spoon - and even act like he'd spilled some! He was also insistent that he had walked into the nursing home under his own steam (scary, since he'd not walked in months, worried he'd try it) and that he was able to walk out of the nursing home and drive home. We had to keep telling him gently that he needed to stay where he was and get better/stronger - even though we knew he would never come home again.

I know what you mean with the worry that someone will think you are making things up or making it seem worse than it is. I deal with that with one of my siblings. She's out of state 90% of the time, comes home every other month or so for a few days, and spends about 30 minutes with Mom when she's here. She sees nothing wrong with Mom at all - but she's not here when Mom leaves urine puddles on the floor, waste on the toilet seat or bath seat, needs help to get in and out of the tub, to walk, even to cover herself up in bed, because she can't reach behind herself to get the blanket.

daughter52, that would be awful to hear her thoughts about you. Even when we know there is dementia, we still search for some gratitude or simple courtesy. I don't think that part of us looking for normal fades, even after years of being around dementia.

I got a new whine today. I have a friend coming to visit tomorrow. I told my mother and she got mad. Why is she coming here? Mom is most unhappy now and giving me the stony treatment. Sigh.

??? Jessie, what's your mother's problem with your friend? You haven't gone and invited the Wicked Witch of the West or something...?

My friend is more like the good witch -- is it of the East? Mom is a hermit -- always has been. The stress of having someone come in for an hour or two is terrible to her.

Mums out gardening as we speak? miracle as she didnt spend one minute last year? I know its not funny but it is and if we didnt laugh wed cry. she came into the garden dressed properly with a long skirt and tshirt i was well impressed as usually she comes out in PJs anyway she was walking towards the tree and her diaper just fell down onto the grass!! lucky our neighbours cant see into the garden. Why oh WHY do they not wear pants?

JB mum is same cant stand 1.....anyone getting your attention and 2 she will have to behave and be normal! I know i go through it everytime but i dont think its malicious just tiring for them to be nice to people easier and less draining to be nasty and "away with the fairies" very irish saying!

My whine today is I officially have 2 bulging discs in my neck with bone spurs and am scheduled for surgery July 3. Would have done it sooner but mom has to many MD appts and a steroid injection procedure before then. Trying to get her tuned up for my husband before I have my surgery,.wish me luck.

Kazzaa, I think you're onto something. I do think it's more draining and personally unfulfilling for them to behave, be courteous, etc. And that they'd rather use their energy to gain attention, to stimulate themselves, to feel powerful for moment, by being rude. I can feel my mother's energy level drop after having to be civil, but it seems to increase when she's moody and hurtful. But, then again, she's always been that way.

Tex, keep us posted on your surgery. We're all pulling for you and hoping for the best result possible!

Is it permissable to post a 2nd whine of the day? This day just isn't going well at all. I'm trying to work, dealing with torrential downpours and thunderstorms that threaten to knock my power (and thus my internet) out at any moment, had to run the van to the shop for work to be done prior to our travel, PLUS....we have to attend a birthday party for family members tonight...on a weeknight...in the middle of the week...at 5pm. Are you kidding?

So, yes, my stress level is more than a little high today. I have to get all the day's work done before 4pm, take care of the van (done), and get Mom ready for the party. Thank God I have a small gift stash that I could pull from for the birthday gifts, or they'd be getting nothing.

Told Mom she needed to shower today. She hasn't been able to get in and out of the tub without help, and today, she's resisting showering. I go to pick up the van from the shop, and return to find her with her hair wet and combed back, saying, "I showered while you were gone!". Hm. Really? I was gone all of about 30 minutes - and considering that she can't get in and out of the tub without help, I'm immediately suspicious that she didn't shower at all...so I go into detective mode and start asking questions and looking around. "Mom, are you sure you showered and didn't just wash up at the sink?" - "Yes, I showered." - "Mom, if you showered, why aren't there more towels or any washcloths in the hamper?" - "I used washcloths, they're in the bottom of the hamper!" (no, they're not - her underwear and a single towel are in there, and she's a creature of habit - if she showered, there would be 2 towels and a washcloth in there.) So I check the tub - nearly dry - and the bathroom doesn't "smell" like she showered.

I'm so frustrated right now.....so now I have to tell her she absolutely cannot shower when I'm gone, and approach it from a safety aspect - not safe for her to do it when I'm gone - rather than approach it from the angry standpoint I'm at right now - that she didn't feel like showering, so to get me off her back, she wet her hair down, dried it on the towel and combed it, and took her underwear off and put them in the hamper, to make it look like she showered.

Susan my Mom does sneaky stuff to when not wanting to shower.. I'll ask her to shower then she just sits there and keeps peaking over at me hoping I'll get up and if I get up and walk out of the room she'll rush to her room and get dressed. When I say "you were suppose to shower", she'll say "well not now, I'm already dressed"! .

It's a vicious circle...

My whine for the day is grocery shopping for my parents. I find it somewhat amusing that if a product that my Mom likes all the sudden the manufacturer changes the design and color of the box or package, Mom doesn't like the product, it doesn't taste right.... but, Mom, it's the same product inside, only the packaging had changed.

I ran into the same problem when I bought Mom organic bananas instead of regular bananas, I thought she would enjoy trying them as I think they taste better. Mom doesn't like the word *organic* and makes a face whenever I say it. I tried to convince her that organic is how her Mother use to cook for the family.

Sigh... guess old habits are hard to change.

Tex big big hug! theres nothing worse than caregiving when youre in pain i just hope your husband copes and realises how much help you will need when you come out can you not get mum some respite when you come home? Best of luck feel so sorry for you as i have slipped discs in neck and back but not bad enough for surgery thankgod but stress is the worst thing for this i just hope can get a break when youre out!

HA! HA! looloo my mum was too! she used to clean the kitchen over and over when she was angry pre dementia. Liked to cause drama and crap just to get attention i went through h*ll with her and family a few years ago before we got diagnosis but i knew something was wrong as her moods were almost violent and shed tell family it was me and the stress i was causing her? my siblings even kicked me out one xmas. May i just add "the best xmas ive spent" no siblings and no mum to worry about it was bliss! but a horrible thing for them to do still to this day no apology?

Assa youre mums quite a character! they are sneaky though! last week not that i mind mum knocked over my skin toner (dont have much money so was annoyed but didnt show it) when i asked if shed seen it she started to laugh and that shed knocked it over that she would buy me a new one! THEN she said "i didnt think you would have noticed and i was going to fill it with water" i said well its yellow toner so i think i would have noticed? her reply i kid you not......."not if i peed in it". dont worry am keeping an eye on all my stuff from now on!!

My whine moment is I got gas in my care this morning so I could run errands, visit with my mom and go check on my sister who was hospitalized with pneumonia over the weekend.....after I got to my sis's house, 40 minute drive, my key would not come out of the ignition switch. Car repairs suck....

Oh poor SM you cant even write without saying "CARE" instead of "CAR" you need a break now!!

loo - my mother was always like that. Her BPD rages energized her. She would be spewing rage and ranting on her high horse, full of energy and the rest of us by the end of it were like limp dishrags. It hasn't changed. Where do they get the energy?

Kazza~when you are a caregiver you are a cargiver too....what can I say, LOL!!!

I think youre "away with the fairies" SM LOL

No oaten beliefs here...just a day in the life...moving on now..

Kazzaa - the skin toner - what fresh h*ll is this..? :-O

AC units left on all night in the down stairs (no one there) and left on all day upstairs (no one up there).I have to check on them all the time. My electric bill is going to shoot through the roof! Please turn them off. I know he was used to central AC but I do not have it nor an open checkbook! And today is the day my sister buys him an iphone (like I really have the time) to teach how to use an iphone!

Every time I do a little more organizing of my mother's finances, or need to handle the latest THING (because it seems like every day there's some new THING to take care of), I get a clearer view of how little she handled things, but how much she PRETENDED to handle things, or LIED and said she was taking care of things, but was actually just leaving it for someone else (me, I guess?). It's eye-opening, I'l tell you that.

After answering another endless repetitive question I got to thinking, why can't my mother ever answer a question I ask of her that actually makes sense? When she answers me it will be something totally off the topic...it's frustrating she can't comprehend anything anymore

my whine for today....

I was a grouchy, irritable jerk yesterday to everyone around me, and last night, when I apologized to Mom for being grouchy, she said, "You were fine, dear!"....thus making me feel like even more of a jerk.

I feel like such an a**.

:-(

I guess the only bright side of this dementia h*ll is when something goes wrong the short term memory part kicks in and we can get a reprieve. So don't feel bad, Susan, be happy that she is OK with it!

If anyone ever 'deserves' to be grouchy once in a while, it is a caregiving person. Yesterday I exploded when my husband knocked a plate that I treasured off the wall and I exploded with, "If you'd just stay in bed at night instead of roaming around with your flashlight, this would not have happened."

When he said, "It's not as if I did it on purpose - you don't have to get so mad!" I came back with, "Well, I get to be mad once in a while, too, don't I?" No answer to that.. and no mention of it today, so I guess it's over...

I know what you mean whippedat56. My mom's go-to response whenever I ask a question or try to bring up an interesting topic is, "This certainly is beautiful weather we're having..".

Took my mom out today to a couple stores, the bank and had lunch. We get back and her home oxygen isn't working. I had to call the company and they had me try a few things. They think they need to replace the whole unit. Luckily she has a back up canister. She us still in panic mode, but they said they will be out before 5pm.