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Bingo, Your MIL has terminal cancer. She will be gone in less than a year in all likelihood. Since this is not going to be a decades long slog, why not help out? The length of time makes all the difference as far as caregiving goes. This can be handled for the short term. Tell your husband what you can and cannot do to help and go from there. Then get the necessary help in place.

I think this is a better approach than a divorce which will not leave you in a good financial situation.

wishing you all the best.
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@WilliMartin

You will never get a moment of judgment from me about not wanting to be a caregiver at home. I wiped a$$ and dealt with the equipment, the dementia, the complaining, the confabulating, the asinine stubbornness, and the nonsense for 25 years as a homecare CNA (I was an APCNA which is equal to an LPN or LVN) before opening a homecare business. I'm still dealing with a lot of the asinine stubborness and nonsense from clients. So I get it.

Here's the thing though. Both of us chose the work we went into. No one forced you to go into nursing and no one forced me to stay in the homecare field. I made excellent money in the private-care industry and you made even better money as a nurse.

If your husband's care is too much for you, that's okay. You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep him warm as that wise saying around here goes. He can be put into care. Yes, you will have hard feelings about it, as everyone does and there will be people who will try to guilt-trip you over it. You have to do what's best for not just your husband, but yourself. If people don't understand, screw them.
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Hi all, she’s had it for 4.5 years. She is living with it, not dying from it, yet. I have four kids (homeschooled) and not a lot of time, unless I want to continue having heart palpitations and wearing down my teeth. I think he might “get it” now after another talk yesterday. I needed a break from it all. I can’t devote hours to anguishing over her situation. I wish there were more hours in the day. I think there are more resources to explore. It’s just been incredibly stressful because we are so intertwined with them. And I will try to better, too.
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Ive been visiting my father for two weeks. I’ve been bringing DH who my father loves. My father’s face lights up when he sees him. He makes the effort to have a conversation with him. It’s extraordinary.

When I go to see him alone, I don’t get the same response. He will wake up to eat and then goes back to sleep and all he wants to know is where my husband is. And it is not for lack of trying on my end.

Stupid stuff, I know. But I know now he is still there and he really doesn’t care if I am visiting if I’m there without my DH.

Just a stupid trivial whine. My father is lucky that he has a son-in-law who visits. His other two do not.
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Hothouse, the family joke with my daughter and myself is her saying "You love J. more than me" and I will own that I am CRAZY about my son-in-law.
When you think about it, it is the mom and daughter who have a lifetime of giving one another advice and trying to protect (manage) one another's lives. While the son-in-law is just gently "there" as a friend, with no advice and no management.

Take advantage of this.
Send hubby to visit once in a while and put your feet up, eat bon bons and watch bad TV.
Your note kind of tickled me, much I know it might be annoying.
The caregiver is often the least liked person in the house!
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Catching up here -

Way - yup we are Ok, thankfully.

Llama -thanks for the hugs and prayers.

Frogster -I'm sorry That is so hard!!!

Bingo - how are you doing? I hope that talk worked. You need to protect your health.

Hothouse - not nice at all. Your hub is kind to visit.

Alva - good idea for Hothouse's hub to make a few visits on his own.

Finally the insurance company has gotten things straight - I think!!! The car damaged by the moose still sits in its parking space here. R doesn't want me to drive it as the power steering is partly gone since the accident. Today I got a phone call from a manager (I had complained) saying the garage of our choice had been authorized by her to proceed, which is great, but I haven't anything in writing. They authorized the wrong garage to begin with. Hopefully we are on track now and I can get a courtesy car and get my own repaired before the snow .comes to stay.

Other than that the trip was great and I want another holiday soon!!! Folks, they really are good for you!
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I stopped. I have food in the house and offer to prepare simple meals for her (ie. Oatmeal or steak/baked). I’ll make a pot of chili or spaghetti to have on hand and make batches of cookies to have on hand. She does not have Alz nor dementia and knows to ask specifically if there is something she wants me to pick up from the market or cook. I have been preparing more of the food I prefer which has been very good for my mental and physical health. She likes to eat toast and make it for herself. 💪🤗
….that said, my whine for today is how annoying it is to hear that bacon isn’t crispy enough, the gravy is too salty, and turkey should not be seasoned with garlic. 🤪
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Sorry to hear you are not appreciated, TY. Sounds like nothing would please her. I'm glad you are looking after yourself more.
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I'm tired of dealing with nursing home issues by myself. I would never stop but it'd be nice to have someone to share it with. My sister can complain about my mom's nursing home but it stresses me out. I know I can be too nice but she doesn't give advice on how to fix things. Her answer is changing nursing homes. I think nursing homes will never be perfect. They have short staff usually and some care more than others.
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Sanchez, Yes I’m sick of it too. Three years and counting.
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My whine is that no one wants my MIL, yet no one seems to understand that as her non-blood relative who is stuck watching her the majority of the time, I don’t want her either! We asked to split 50/50 with MIL’s daughter so I could have my life back, and she said NO. I can’t stand these people and their hypocrisy.
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Oh so many things to whine about. Today is the absolute hell I’m in because the nursing home is giving me grief about my father’s Medicaid reapplication. I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. I had to call the lawyer who is giving me a hard time because he is not on the same page as the nursing home administrator. I thought it was all finally resolved only to have my sister call me today worried about some additional issue about this reapplication.

It ruined my and my sister’s Thanksgivings. I think the only reason my father is sticking around is to make my life miserable. This is torturous.

I wish I could turn back the clock and did not sell our parents’ house. There were good reasons that we did last year but this I can’t handle.

I wish it were over.
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sancheza - my sis complained too but never helped. I had to reduce then cut contact with her. It stressed me out too,

oaktree - that's very frustrating. I think all yiu can do is cut back on the time you are available and let the others deal with the difference. As long as you take thr most part of the burden, they will take advantage of you. Set some limits - say that from next week you are only available for on certain days from this time to that time. Make it to suit you. You are being used and only you can stop that.

Hothouse - I am so sorry. Prayers that the reapplication go through with no more problems. ((((hugs))))
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I’m tired of being home all day and all night with my parents. I’m tired of not being able to go out anywhere in the evenings. I’m tired of missing opportunities to socialize with people outside of my parents and sister.
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Tell how you plan to stop what you are doing that ends up in you feeling 'tired'.
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My whine moment is lasting weeks- so grateful this site exists.
The holidays!!!! I resent making all the arrangements.-Arranging to meet his kids and grandkids, choosing, purchasing, wrapping gifts, repeating a million times to him where we are going, what time we are leaving, etc, etc. and etc. Then making sure he is presentable( he forgets his partials or to shave) only to have him pull the whole thing off so well his family thinks he is not so bad. (Showtimers)
Of course I want this - I want to preserve his dignity and make a good family memory, but, arghh!
I have made one adjustment this year.
I am allowing myself to not decorate for Christmas…only some minimal things and not entertain anyone. No baking either. Still there is some guilt there… is it my responsibility to make his holiday festive??? He doesn’t care and I don’t seem to either.
I know the members here understand.
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beniptal45 - I think we understand. It's hard getting "me" time when you are a caregiver. Is there anything you can do to make your quality of life better?

JDWZP1 - if he doesn't care and neither do you, then do what you want to do -don't do what you don't want to do. Nothi g to feel guilty about. You are not doing anything wrong. Over time I have given up most of the holiday chores -decorating, baking and so on. If I do a little it's because I want to, nor because I feel I have to. Iyt makes this season a lot less stressful.
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