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I am beside myself.


I was taking mom for an afternoon medical appointment - yes even on a Sunday, and went out to get the car open for her. I turn around and she's on the garage floor. I cried, I got upset, I helped her up to a sitting position, but of course I've thrown my back out and can't get her up. She refused 911 so I called my husband across town to help me get her.


He and I did get her up, put her in her rolling walker and got her back inside. Aside from a nasty cut on her hand she was mad/upset but otherwise unhurt. Of course, this is a patient on blood thinners so you know that falls are just terrific for someone like that. Her mobility with neuropathy is declining and she feels that the doctors are not doing enough to "reverse it and make me well again."


A couple of years ago she "crashed" and was in the hospital for days, and was discharged with "a family member to stay with patient until she is stronger." That family member was me. I told her gently but firmly if it happened again I could not do that level of care she needed - think cursing at me when emptying her commode and cursing at me trying to find her clothes, and accusing me of throwing things away when all I did was clean and straighten. Two months of that hell for me, before they threw her into a rehab because she would not improve or get well. She has no dementia or memory issues. She's been verbally and emotionally abusive all my life.


So I drew a boundary once I knew she was stable and ok that I went back home to my house with my husband and dog. Now she wants my brother to come out to "give (me) a break." My brother lives in a covid hotspot across the country and although he's taking every precaution, a 5 hour plane ride might change that quickly for him.


I will NOT take care of her physically. I've told her to get her depression and rage under control before I even approach that again - and I won't, even at that.


My nerves are shot. I'm a wreck. I've done this for too long. If she hadn't been so abusive all my life I bet I'd do more. But I can't. I do love my mom, but I just can't give my soul away again. I can't be cussed at while emptying her toilet again. All I did was help.


Thanks for listening.

It's time for a phone call to your local friendly assisted living facility. It'll kill 2 birds with one call- placement will provide her with the care and attention she needs and provide you with some well deserved relief from the stress of caregiving.
(8)
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Why would you subject yourself to an abusive person?

Why would you NOT call 911 when in need of a lift assist and a quick medical evaluation of a person on blood thinners?

Have you read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend? I think it would be abgood investment of your time.
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No long term solution to your mom's negative attitude and abusive behavior. Let's just assume if she has been this way all her life... she is not likely to change now.

If she has funds, she can live in one of the many assisted livings that exist. They also provide respite services so that you can get a temporary break but I would look for something long term. Like I said, the chances of her changing are not good. Most AL's are private pay and have extremely limited Medicaid beds if any at all. Medicare is a health insurance program and will not pay for custodial care or respite. If she does not have a dx of Alzheimer's she would not qualify for that organization's respite package either. If she is over 65, I would call the state's Office on Aging and explain the situation to one of their social workers. They will be able to advise you of any options that are available.
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And?

She wants the doctor to fix her?

Why would you call your husband across town to help you pick her up just because your mother didn't want EMS to come out? Your back is thrown out! Do you want your husband to throw his out too?

Why are you letting an abusive mother dictate to you?

If your brother wants to come let him. It's hers and his choice - not yours.

If rehab didn't help her what exactly are you expecting?

I'm sorry to sound harsh, however, you seem so confused about what to do next with the woman who yells at you while emptying her commode. She could live another 10 or 15 years? Do you want to keep doing this for that long? Her needs are only going to increase and, in all likelihood, so will her anger.
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So sorry this is what you are going through.

If ever, this scene happens again, Mom does not get to 'refuse 911', and should have been checked out due to the blood thinners. Not saying you were wrong. You helped fine.

The fact that she can order you around, demand, has been verbally abusive and emotionally abusive cursing you, and causes you to hurt your back speaks to the fact that she requires more care than you can provide. And you have been unable to stand up to her. Don't bother looking for family to provide care, she is too far advanced (depression and rage), period.

I fear that your history says you can be conned into bringing her home again, to your detriment, not able to be as strong as your commitment. It does sound like a very healthy and wise commitment to stop caring for her.

Just to help you out, and don't feel bad, be glad, YOU ARE FIRED!
If you need to have your doctor tell you this, go ahead. But to protect your own life and health, do not be her caregiver. As her daughter, detach with love.
You can learn how to do that.

{{{{{Hugs}}}} {{{{Bear hugs 🧸️}}}}

Then, read on the forum to learn how to change into a stronger, self-respecting human that people won't exploit or abuse ever again. You've got this!
I can read the hurt, and then the health in your last words. 🍵💞🍵

Sorry your Mom is that ill. So sorry you have lost the Mom you needed and who was never there for you.

Your husband will be happy that you are fired.

Take care, others have been in your place, are here on the forum helping others who have been recovering from just this same kind of hurt. It is okay to also be angry.
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Your post breaks my heart. It really does.

911 was the only choice for her after her fall. I don’t say this to upset you. Stress can make us temporarily insane.

You are so stressed that it is effecting your better judgment.

Many of us on this forum have been in similar situations and made decisions that we later regret.

I am happy to hear you say that this can’t continue.

Your life counts every bit as much as your mom’s life.

You have done your very best to satisfy your mom but it has cost you a high price.

You have paid your dues. Now it is time to retire. Please for all of your sakes, look into a facility for your mom.

Mom needs care, you and your husband need a life of your own.

I made the mistake of hanging on too long. Life is short. Make the most of it.
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Next time she falls, you need to call 911 if she wants you to or not. She really should be checked out because there's the potential of internal bleeding or a broken bone. Maybe an overnight stay then assisted living facility because it's not safe at home, neuropathy which means continued fall risk complicated by her blood thinners and enhanced injury. Do not let them release her to you or agree to care for her, you've already been there done that, you will end up sicker than her. If she has the funds and insists on living at home she needs to hire in home care herself. Take care of yourself first, you still haven't recovered from your last stint of taking care of her. Tough love is what is needed in this situation, not because you don't care about her or love her, but because you do. You just can't take care of her and deal with her abuse.
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My mother has neuropathy and has fallen 55x in Assisted Living the past few years. She finally went into a wheelchair fulltime in May of 2019 and has fallen 12x since. She, of course, blames me for "putting" her in a wheelchair. Not the neuropathy, me.

Just yesterday, for the 100th time, she's told me there IS a cure for neuropathy but nobody can be bothered to help her properly. This from a woman who sees the doctor weekly, has been to the hospital too many times to count, had neurologists tell her point blank there's nothing they can do for her.....and on and on.

All the medications given to her for her chronic neuropathy pain give her terrible side effects. I've had to take her to the ENT doctor a dozen times to administer the Epley maneuver for the chronic vertigo she was getting from all the Gabapentin she was taking for the neuropathy.

Round and round we go, like hamsters on a wheel, with her insisting there's an Answer out there that nobody's telling her about, especially her rotten daughter.

Every time there's a crisis, and there are tons, 911 is called so the ambulance can take her to the ER after the male nurse who stands 6'6 and weighs about 330 lbs picks her up off the floor in her room at the ALF.

When she was on blood thinners, she'd get such horrible bloody noses that she'd fall out of the bed with panic. The nurse would call 911, call me, and off we'd go, BACK to the ER yet again. Last time, the ER doc took a photo of the blood clot the size of a plum he pulled out of her nose to pin on the bulletin board for all the staff to see. He advised me to get her OFF of blood thinners immediately or she'd likely die of a nose bleed or a fall before she did of a DVT the blood thinners were trying to prevent.

If mother didn't live in Assisted Living, I'd have committed suicide by now.

You are not qualified to care for your mother and her neuropathy and chronic falls at home. Or SHE will likely outlive YOU, for the reasons discussed above. Did I mention my mother will be 94 on the 20th?

Get her into Assisted Living as soon as humanly possible, for both of your sakes. And good luck, you are going to need it.
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I have to agree, the blood thinners are doing more harm than good for her, in that she has not had a DVT and as of her last scan, her carotid arteries look good for her age. I have begged her to talk to the doctor about the blood thinners but they speak the gospel and I don't know what I'm talking about.

I just got back from her second fall of the day, again she was "fine and I don't need anyone" and we got her in bed. I told her if it happens during the night to call 911, not me, I will not take her to the ER, I will come over to secure the house and they can call me.

She did admit that this was too much for me, and I told her I was doing the best I can, but if she pulls another crash on me like she did a couple of years ago, it won't be me taking care of her at the house. I wont' be staying with her for her care. Even tonight after the second slip, she was "bring me this and bring me that," and "oh I need this and oh I need that." It didn't sound sincere, it was more, "Oh good, you're here."

I'm having some champagne tonight so that if there is another call someone else will have to do the driving. I even told her as much. All the cruel things she used to say to me came flooding back to me when I was getting that commode out again. I have to walk away. She could live another 20 years and me another 5 days for all we know.

Thanks lealonnie.
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I know it is hard, but when you Mum is crumpled on the garage floor, she is not the one who decides how she gets back up. Not unless she is capable of getting herself up.

First you tell her you have a bad back and cannot help. You offer to call 911. If she refuses, then you ask her how she plans to get up. You do not offer to call anyone else.

If she still refuses 911, hand her a cordless phone and leave. I know it sounds cruel, but unless you are firm in your boundaries she will continue to abuse you.

It sounds from your follow up post that she fell a second time today. Next time she calls to tell you she has fallen, tell her you are hanging up so she can call 911.

Picking her up is not your responsibility.
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I told her exactly this. "Do not call me, call 911 first, I will come and take care of the house" e.g. lock it up and secure it, "and they can be in touch." That, coupled with me not being able likely to get into the ER with her because we're in California only makes it more worrisome but all the same, if she's going to INSIST on her independence, then she can handle phone calls and communicate with medical people on her own. Her demand on being independent has made her more dependent than ever.

I've spoken to my brother we are going to have a family conversation that - ok, if you want to stay home, you will get someone to come in every day and pay for it. If you can't stay home, you will sell the place and go into assisted living and be helped. And, pay for it.

I'm investing in Long Term Care tomorrow. I'm not letting this happen to me. And by God if I continue with her the way I am I'll need long term care before I want it.
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You're not being harsh, trust me. I had it out with her the SECOND time she was on the floor tonight. I truly do not want my brother coming out because being on a plane for 5 hours would be very risky - he is not young either, and if he carried COVID in, we'd all be done for.

I told her there would not be a repeat of two years ago, "I am not going to stay here and try and care for you, it will not work," I said. I'm going to try and get her doctor on the phone in the morning to try and get her admitted. My husband told her, "You need rehab," and she said, "No I don't I can come back home."

"To who?"I said. She had no answer.

Her depression has gotten her again and she wants her needs met in this most destructive way and I will not honor this.
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Hadituptohere, you’ve got the right mindset here! Now stick to your boundaries!! Just think, your back is already injured. What if your husband had put his out or fallen wrong and broken his hip while helping you lift your mother the other night? You’d have an incapacitated husband and a mother who refuses to accept she’s lost her independence on your hands. In other words, you’d have a disaster! Really all it takes is one wrong move and you’ve badly injured yourself. I am not quite 40 and my back is likely permanently injured after 1 wrong lift!

Your mother is playing, what we here like to refer to as, “the charade of independence”. She’s not really independent anymore but thanks to you, she gets to pretend she is! So your mindset is right. if she wants to BE independent than she needs to act like it and that includes accepting a little outside help. It’s really not fair of her to place all of the burden on you, your husband and your brother. She can manage her own care and ask/call for help when She needs it, you are right about that. Good luck to you!!!!
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The doctors office just called me after I messaged them and said it was ER or 911 time.

So wish me luck she isn’t gonna like this, but I kinda don’t care.

thanks everyone
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Good luck to you! Wishing you all the best.
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Ugh! They’re talking about sending her home! She cannot eat or walk, why would they do this!!!

EDITED TO ADD: She just called, they’re admitting her.

What a rollercoaster this is. I am SO done. I’m working on plans with my siblings for in home care or Assisted Living after this. I’m just a few months shy of 50 but right now I feel 175 years old.
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Praying here. For your heart, and that with your mom in the hospital, that you get a good night’s sleep. Update when you can.
Colleen
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HIUPTH, please don't rely on what mom is telling you.

Tomorrow, get in touch with "discahrge planning" and let them know that she lives alone and that YOU are no longer able to assist.

Don't let them guilt or intimidate you.

And if mom is deemed competent to take care of her own affairs, step away and LET HER DO SO.
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Protect yourself. Do not allow yourself to be trapped into a web.

Make sure that your decision about not caring for your mom is known.

You have done more than your share. It’s up to her now. Allow her to make responsible decisions.

You cannot make decisions for her. You do have the opportunity to make decisions for yourself.

It sounds like you are on the right path. Stay on course.

Wishing you peace throughout facing these challenging situations.
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"She refused 911 so I called my husband across town to help me get her".

Hadit, I feel your pain. I'm sure each crises you will act, reflect, adapt & plan your next response. Well not all situations can be planned for, but with your new boundaries, a few can.

A few years ago I was fall callout person. Then when I needed more help I would call my DH too. Numerous falls later... we said no more. Called EMS but I would still rush over too. Then call EMS I am not coming - I'll meet you at the hospital. I am now at not turning up to the hospital & not picking up. Call EMS, talk to the medicos yourself, work out your own discharge plan. All I plan to be is a friendly visitor if the hospital stay is more than a few days.

Sounds harsh, but without my interference, the real needs are being seen faster.
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Had it,
My heart goes out to you. I was on a roller coaster with my dad. I felt 175 years old, too. It has made me rethink care for my NM. I will have to do things differently. I do know I will have to care for her remotely. I’m not sure what that will look like on down the road, but I cannot do hands on care again. I’m sending thoughts and prayers your way. I truly understand.
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"They're talking about sending me home tomorrow." Said mom. "So should we get an ambulance to bring me home?"

I asked her why and she told me because of her difficulty getting into the car.
I asked her then if she had talked to the attending doctors about her difficulty with that. Not really.

I told her I was concerned about what being home was going to look like. "how are you going to get your dinner or your coffee or your water?" She said, "Oh well I won't be leaving my bed much. I'm just so afraid of my mobility. And I think I need a wheelchair."

I asked her about maneuvering a wheelchair to the kitchen to cook and get to the table and all. "If you're afraid of your mobility issues, I'm trying to figure out how getting a wheelchair will get them back or improve them for you, and how you're going to put yourself to bed and shower and all that."

Not once did I say, "Oh sure I'll be there again, just like before, 24/7." Now I realize that rehab right now is scary sounding, but the one she went to before has had only one covid case, two months ago someone who was not involved in patient care. If I send her home she is guaranteed to lose all mobility and fall down for what could be the last time. They can keep her safe from all things, being at home cannot.

So we talked about the rehab place and she said, "Maybe that's the best idea then." Her words, not mine.

My brother and I are going to call her together later, and drive the point home. She didn't get better with me staying 24/7, my marriage suffered and let's face it my relationship with her didn't fare well either.

Wish me luck, again.
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Last time my mother was hospitalized in May of 19, it was for pneumonia. When they sent her to rehab after a week in the hospital, the doc told me beforehand, 'there comes a time when neuropathy requires they stay in a wheelchair; your mother is THERE now.' So, when I got her to rehab, the PT was trying to get her walking; she was doing her usual maneuver, falling backwards. It's a horrible thing to witness..........Idk if your mother does that? They don't know where they're at in space, so the natural inclination is to go BACKWARDS. When I saw that, I told the PT no more trying to get her to walk. She needs a w/c full time now. Help her learn to build upper arm strength and use her legs to 'walk' in the wheelchair, etc. Help her transfer, that type of thing. So they did; they kept her for the 3 weeks and she learned NOTHING. Nada. She's like a lump of deadweight in that wheelchair to THIS day. She 'can't' use her legs to 'walk' with the wheelchair, and is THE ONLY resident in the whole MC ALF that doesn't use her legs to walk with her w/c and has to be pushed around! She 'can't' use her ARMS either to rotate the wheels of the w/c, so she's like deadweight sitting there; I've never seen anything like it!
Anyway, I just wanted to say good luck and see if you think your mother is too far gone with the neuropathy to be 'taught' to walk again? Or if you think she'd be better off in the w/c and taught to function with IT? But then she'd need to go into managed care, really, b/c who can live alone and be in a w/c????
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Good for you for having those boundaries! I’m glad your Mom will be getting the care that you BOTH deserve!
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@lealonnie - Mom can walk. Her neuropathy is primarily in her hands, but not quite all the way in her legs or feet. Up until the other day she was on her own - with a walker, but up and around all the same. Mostly it is arthritis in her knees, but it can be managed. This is all about fear of falling, and dare I say getting her needs met again by 'bring me this and that' from her bed. This same thing happened two years ago and she wound up in rehab anyway after two months of me bringing her this and that, and being criticized while doing all of it. The main thing was that I did not jump to the idea of "ok I'll be there again, I'll give up my home and marriage so that you can get what you need." For her to suggest going to rehab services this time was huge for me. She did wonderfully well at this place the last time and really did try to NOT have to go back to it, up to a point.
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Maybe Mom can't see what the impact of being bedbound would be... or the immense crushing burden on you if you waited hand & foot... but she CAN see the sense of some rehab now. Yay! Celebrate that spark of common sense!

You've found what her resistance was too: fear of falling. Use that to keep reasoning that rehab is the safer option.

Use that safety angle again to get some home services in the door once she gets home. Just temporary... a trial etc.

Your stronger boundaries are already effecting positive change - for both of you.

Well done 😁

PS if you want to be bed-bound Mom, go ahead. But I don't support that & I won't turn up. You will get very hungry, very dirty & very smelly!
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UPDATE:

"No, I refuse to go to rehab with this virus going around."

Oh well, I tried.
It's not going to be me though but, I tried.
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Oh, dear. What did she say she IS going to do??
Cheering you on to keep your boundaries, friend!
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Unfortunately due to covid, yes there is risk in rehab. There is also risk at home (not coping, falls etc).

I suggest speaking directly to the hospital social worker/discharge planner.

See what Mom's options are. Probably resi rehab or rehab services in the home. If she agrees to home services & the staff feel she is safe for that option, that could happen.

But let the staff know what YOU are willing to do. They may have been told YOU will do everything. (Been there!!)
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@Beatty - believe me, my anxiety is high about the risk in rehab. No doubt in my mind about that. She told me about how risky it was. I asked her if she knew what the risk was while she was being attended to in the hospital...

And I even said that she is more at risk of falling at home than potentially contracting it. At least in some of our places out here there are safeguards from it, at home, whoops, down I go again. I can't bear the thought.

I intend to be in on the discharge planning discussion, I wasn't the first time and imagine my surprise when it said, "Daughter will stay with patient until patient can maintain regular home activities."

Says WHO! I love it when decisions are made outside my presence.

My brother also spoke to her and told her that Hadituptohere cannot do this alone, and she did say she knew that.
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